Come what may, I'm posting today!

Sometimes I struggle to find any quiet in my day. My head's spinning with it . . . Stropster playing his guitar, Hamper G "talking" to Galah, her imaginary friend, on the phone, I keep putting off writing until it's the right time, or a better time, and it just never is.

Last week was hectic with appointments, assessments, shopping or some such thing every morning, which meant I didn't return home in the morning after the school walk until lunch time. Stropster comes home for lunch, which then leaves me a couple of hours to do the "keeping my head above water" chores and it's school time again . . . then cooking and washing blah di blah. Hamper G is sometimes so tired from school that she needs a nap at four whilst I'm cooking, all good, but after a nap and her dinner she is full of energy again until half nine, ten . . . half ten? and on and on we go . . .

Anyway that wasn't the case today (written on Monday). I had no appointments and came straight home from school at 9.30 am, it was dark and grey and raining. I curled up in my chair with a blanket and slept through until it was almost time to go to school again. I did feel a slight twinge of guilt at wasting the day, but I also felt a bigger twinge of I must have needed the sleep. So I kind of wasted my "quiet alone time" instead of appreciating it . . . I probably didn't waste it, I made the most of it by sleeping, but you know what mean. O well. It's sodding noisy now that's all I know.

Right that's my griping over with and it's two hours later now and quiet. I might have some more griping to do, I'm not sure, yet.

Stropster passed his driving theory test today so he's buzzing and he can put in for the practical test next . . . He also got a wage rise so all is good in his world and despite my moaning about him playing the guitar he's progressing well and I do normally enjoy listening to him play . . . just not tonight.

Geekster is in France with his Dad. His Dad lives here locally but he bought a real nice farmhouse in France during our last attempt at a relationship. There was talk of us living there and it is a beautiful place . . . but there you go. A beautiful house doth not a relationship make.

I went to the city N/A last Wednesday, there were three men there. It felt slightly awkward for some reason but I think I'll try it again. They were all rather keen to suggest other larger meetings to me but they're all evening meetings and I can't get over to the city of an evening . . .

I had what I thought was a mental health assessment this week, but it wasn't, it was an assessment for CBT (cognitive behaviour Therapy) re the phobia . . . so after an hour of interview, I realised I'd told them all sorts of irrelevant information as I wasn't aware that the interview was only phobia related, until the end! . . .  I'll be hearing from them soon. The full mental health assessment to decide where we go with treatment and medication is not until next month. Until then, my GP has doubled my dose of Prozac. I said I didn't feel much different apart from complacent and unmotivated . . . she said this wouldn't be the pills, they should make me feel motivated . . . we shall see!

I still feel very stuck in this addiction. I did have another of those lucid frightening reality moments at 3.15 this morning. I sat up in bed full of fear and terror, wandering how the hell things had gotten back here again? . . . and how it must stop, and it will stop, and how will it stop? and when will it stop? My heart was racing and I couldn't settle again for some time. It was possibly only 15 minutes but it felt like hours. I don't know, I really don't. And now Hamper G's Dad has just called from prison and I ignored the phone . . . five times. Sometimes I can't do phone calls, sometimes I can't do jovial . . . or even normal.

Well a right misery post this is turning out to be, I knew it would, which is why I've been waiting, hoping I would lighten up a bit . . but No.

I mean, throughout the day with all of it's distractions all is well. On our way back from school this afternoon we collected a selection of amazing Autumn leaves and made a tree collage to send to Hamper G's Dad and another one to send to my Dad. We had a good time reading Hamper G's reader book from school, she's doing very well and loves the feeling of learning and achieving but when it's just me in my own head, which it is here, then I really get to wandering . . .

I do wonder if  I'll ever be that healthy, free, creative version of me that I should be, living life to it's, and my, full potential. I know it's all down to me to make that happen, and I can perfectly imagine how it would be, it's not too far fetched or ridiculous. It doesn't rely on any big money or anything other than what I have really. It's do-able. So why the hell don't I get on and do it, make it happen?

(Tuesday morning)
I would say sorry for such a miserable post, but I wont because, really, I'm not. I mean, I'm a tad pissed off that I still feel like this but I don't feel there's much point in apologising for myself.
I do, however, hope that my next post is slightly more cheerful . . . I think I've been saying this for a while.

I will reply to the comments on my previous post, I almost did this morning and then decided I should post this first. So I will, right now. I'm not going to edit or dwell on making this readable. I will post and move on.

Before I do, I will thank every person who is reading here. Whether you've been here for the whole year or just a day, thankyou. With love, as always x x x