Update

A quick update. I say quick because I feel so down about everything that I don't really want to dwell on it all. Also I have a banging headache and the laptop screen is making me feel sick. I just feel I should write something. Maybe I shouldn't. I know its helped in the past sometimes. I'm too tired and ill to go over the sentences and phrasing in any attempt to make it flow. If I post this, it will be just as its written right now. Live. 

I know how I would like my life to be and its all within reach. I'm not wishing for mansions, millions etc.  Its all possible and wouldn't even take very long to achieve in the grand scheme of things, say a year, which is no time at all. Yes, there would still be room for plenty of improvement and growth after a year, but the main structure could be built in that year. Maybe even less. So why why why can I not just make a start, why am I so fucking stuck, paralysed, why can I not do it? I can't put it down to laziness, I'm not generally lazy. I am at the moment as I'm ill, but when I'm well there's no stopping me.  It's not as if i would have to wait long for some sort of result either. Within hours of stopping cigarettes I know I start to feel better, and certainly within days of stopping, or even weaning down from Heroin I would feel better, look better, have more energy, more enthusiasm. more creativity, more money. The rewards are almost immediate so I can't put it down to impatience.   

This is some headache. I mean this is hurting real bad. I'm drinking lots of water in case its de- hydration but its not going. I don't often get a headache that I know will lead to me being sick, maybe three of four times in the last ten years, but this is one of them. I've no idea what has caused it but I'm pretty sure if I could be sick it would pass.I have to lie down and close my eyes.

No one is gonna come along and do this for me. Other than me.  Its making me feel sick the more i think about it. This is one crappy update, I realise that, but it is an update. 

Its the next day now, my head still hurts but not as bad. I'm still stuck. Nothing has changed and I  honestly cant see how anything will ever change. It might sound strange but its like despite whatever my head says, my body just carries on doing the same thing like some fucked up robot thats got stuck on a programme of self-destruct. I'm sure that sounds like a cop out. It doesn't really matter how it sounds. Thats how it feels. No wonder my head hurts.

Well I promised to keep on posting and this is all I have at the minute, so this will do.

Thank you to anyone taking time to read this. I'll be back soon. With Love X 

ps. On a happy note, Ed the cat has brought fleas in again! Yay!!