Nothing has changed …

 Well well well …..

No editing   I’m 60. And nothing has changed.  … nothing.  Well yeah, the boys have grown and flown.  The girl has grown and is turning into me.  …

So so much I could write about  

I’ve been reading through some old posts that were full of hope .. hopes of getting clean and starting again.  I’ve given up hope of getting clean it just won’t happen   But I carry on living, pretty much a miracle in itself considering the abuse I’ve given my lungs etc.

I would like to start writing here again   I’m testing the waters I guess  

I had a good support network on here and I just abandoned it all , story of my life … what can I say?  I loved you all and still do   I’ve been reading through old comments,  you were all so lovely…

Nothing has changed   Not for better or worse   Maybe that’s not a bad thing ? 

Thanks anyone who is reading   Love you 

Good Intentions, Wretched fleas and Alien Invasion!

Two posts in two days? steady on now. 

I've been to the Dr today, it seems I have a virus causing swollen glands, throat infection and a nasty headache/sick feeling that went on for two days. I've been told to rest for a few days and I will try. I didn't have to try whilst I had that headache, I just couldn't move but now that's subsided I am having to force myself to rest. 

I decided a fairly restful chore would be to go through the pile of paperwork that's gradually built up, over several months, on the corner of this table where my laptop lives. Generally it's stuff that's been dealt with and could either be binned or filed into 'paid bills' file or kids' school reports drawer  etc. There are receipts and old shopping lists. And other lists ... every so often when I feel motivated, optimistic, strong and deluded, I write a list of the changes I need, and intend at the time to make.

In this pile of paperwork there were three such lists ... the headings vary; Goals for 2016/ Things to achieve this Summer/What I would need to do to be normal/ Shit I just can't do) but mostly the contents are the same. I don't even know why I write such lists. Its not like I don't know by now what I need to do to improve my life and health. Do I need to refer to a piece of paper to remind me where I'm going wrong. Or maybe I think by writing it out it's more likely to happen. I don't know, but just in case I ever throw all of those lists away and cant remember what it was i was supposed to be doing, I will copy one of them out here. It doesn't matter which one ... They all start off with the changes that would make the biggest difference; those that never get done ... and finish up with 4 or 5 less ambitious tasks that I manage to do maybe 50% of the time ... O dear. It's a good job that I can smile about such things really.  Sometimes.

Stop smoking cigarettes
Stop smoking heroin
Decorate the house
Sort out the garden
Get teeth fixed
Loose another 14 pounds (7kilos)
Drink more water
Practice meditation/mindfulness
Walk more
Regular pedicures
Do Pelvic Floor exercises (for more than two minutes)
Do face exercises (ditto)
Use honey instead of sugar ... now that one I can manage!
Drink the juice 6 lemons per day (good for lungs)

ps De-Flea Edster

Of course, smiling or not, there is nothing I would like more than to see all of these things ticked off ... or even just the top five, rather than the bottom five! Hey ho, for now I shall rest and be thankful that headache has gone.

That was written last night. I've felt much better today and caught up on the heap of chores that had built up over the last few days.  I've treated Ed the cat for fleas and vacuumed everything thats vacuumable in case of flea eggs ... perishing, wretched, damned things!

I awoke feeling fearful from an extremely vivid dream this morning. I never read Sci-Fi and certainly hadn't seen anything on TV that might have influenced my dreams. Nothing ...
 I was hiding in a warehouse with my Brother. We were looking out through a small crack in the door to see fifty, sixty ... maybe more, enormous alien craft crashing down onto the mountains in Wales. These craft were similar to shipping containers, but more the size of a mighty ship and they were all orange. I was terrified ... My Brother was telling me that there were warnings in the Bible about this ... Then we were watching a report on a TV in the warehouse; it was explaining that these aliens wanted to use the 'technology of our eyes'. It showed someones head strapped close in front of a screen with hundreds of images zooming past ... this is how we were going to be used.  For taking in and recording images ... how utterly bizarre. And that was it. More than enough. I rarely have vivid dreams and never have I dreamt of aliens or such like. 

Well, thats me off to bed. Quite enough for one day. 
Thanks for being here, Goodnight xx 
 

Update

A quick update. I say quick because I feel so down about everything that I don't really want to dwell on it all. Also I have a banging headache and the laptop screen is making me feel sick. I just feel I should write something. Maybe I shouldn't. I know its helped in the past sometimes. I'm too tired and ill to go over the sentences and phrasing in any attempt to make it flow. If I post this, it will be just as its written right now. Live. 

I know how I would like my life to be and its all within reach. I'm not wishing for mansions, millions etc.  Its all possible and wouldn't even take very long to achieve in the grand scheme of things, say a year, which is no time at all. Yes, there would still be room for plenty of improvement and growth after a year, but the main structure could be built in that year. Maybe even less. So why why why can I not just make a start, why am I so fucking stuck, paralysed, why can I not do it? I can't put it down to laziness, I'm not generally lazy. I am at the moment as I'm ill, but when I'm well there's no stopping me.  It's not as if i would have to wait long for some sort of result either. Within hours of stopping cigarettes I know I start to feel better, and certainly within days of stopping, or even weaning down from Heroin I would feel better, look better, have more energy, more enthusiasm. more creativity, more money. The rewards are almost immediate so I can't put it down to impatience.   

This is some headache. I mean this is hurting real bad. I'm drinking lots of water in case its de- hydration but its not going. I don't often get a headache that I know will lead to me being sick, maybe three of four times in the last ten years, but this is one of them. I've no idea what has caused it but I'm pretty sure if I could be sick it would pass.I have to lie down and close my eyes.

No one is gonna come along and do this for me. Other than me.  Its making me feel sick the more i think about it. This is one crappy update, I realise that, but it is an update. 

Its the next day now, my head still hurts but not as bad. I'm still stuck. Nothing has changed and I  honestly cant see how anything will ever change. It might sound strange but its like despite whatever my head says, my body just carries on doing the same thing like some fucked up robot thats got stuck on a programme of self-destruct. I'm sure that sounds like a cop out. It doesn't really matter how it sounds. Thats how it feels. No wonder my head hurts.

Well I promised to keep on posting and this is all I have at the minute, so this will do.

Thank you to anyone taking time to read this. I'll be back soon. With Love X 

ps. On a happy note, Ed the cat has brought fleas in again! Yay!!

Midnight Musings ...

There are a few things I would like to sit and write about; thoughts to untangle and make some sense of but its late already so maybe not. I went through my 'Blogs that I follow' list earlier. Very few people are still posting. If I had been asked a few weeks ago, before I came back to Blog, to name three or four Bloggers who I thought would still be posting on a weekly or daily basis, I would have been spot on. They all either keep chickens, grow their own fruit/vegetables or tend to animals/people/gardens and blogs. Some manage to do all of the above ... and more. Reliable and consistent spring to mind. Hmmmm.

There are days when I tick almost everything off of my 'to do' list. Other days, in fact most, I'm more likely to add to the list. I do seem to be rather all or nothing, which is possibly why I wouldn't be very sucessful at growing my own veg/flowers/chickens etc. It may well explain why I quit smoking for a month or so, swear blind that I will never ever touch another stinking rotten cigarette ... and then, well we all know what then. Ho hummm

I'm going to change the description on my header, not only is it out of date and pretty badly written; who starts a sentence with a word in brackets ?... but it kind of pisses me off when I read it, for obvious reasons. Not badly pisses me off, I just get a quick glimpse of all the hope I felt as I wrote it. And how I seriously imagined it would track my progress leading up to my wonderful, clean, sociable 50th birthday party. Ha! hmmmmm

Now, something that really does get on my nerves is the amount of  people using the term 'rocked up' as in 'arrived' or 'turned up'. I'd heard younguns say; you rock that cap or shades etc. as in 'wear them well'  but 'rocking up' is being used by middle aged tv presenters and the likes. I dont know when it arrived, but I'm hearing it everywhere, casually thrown into sentences as if its always been there. Why rocked up? Who rocks up anywhere, unless they are on a rocker, or off their rocker?  I just don't get it. I couldn't casually throw it in even if I dared myself ... maybe its just me.

And finally, because its almost 2am!! I learned today that to benefit from using a walking stick or cane, it has to be used on the opposite side to the injury, pain, replacement joint etc. I had no idea! ...  I've had a nasty evil burning pain in the top arch of my left hip for nigh on a week now... Dr Google tells me it Bursitis, which I had never heard of until now. We shall see what 'Dr please don't Google it' says on Thursday when I rock up rocking my stick!  On the right side.

Goodnight Lads n Lasses xx

I'll take care of you ...

I've put off posting for several days now, feeling irritable and growly. After a short paragraph of moaning about nothing, I've abandoned each post as a draft. I'm wondering if I sit here and have a good ole gripe about something, will I feel any better? Will I feel any worse? Do I even know what's getting me down? Am I just having a moment week of self pity? I hope not, I don't like the sound of that. I suspect I am though.

Just now I would like to have someone strong by my side. Someone capable and kind. Caring,  helpful and generous. Someone who would say; I'll take care of things for now, you rest. I'll get you a coffee, a sandwich, a meal ...  I'll pay the bills this month. I'll go get the washing in ... I'll clean the loo, the floor, the windows ... I'll fix the gate, the garden, your mind ... decorate the bedroom and lounge ... mow the lawn ... put the bins out ... blah blah blah.

Is that it. No, there's more.

So after writing that last line, not wanting this to turn into a gripe fest, I had a break and went downstairs ... I put the rubbish out (because no one else will) and almost tripped over Geekster's (£90) trainers that had been left on the outside doorstep."Why are these outside?"... "O I got cow muck on them over the field"... I see, so will it miraculously disappear if they are left on the doorstep? Or will they just be left out here in the rain to rot? Or will 'the faires' come along and fix them? 
"Someone's in a bad mood" he's right there.

Any more?

I ignored the heap of pots and plates that need washing; the line full of dry washing that needs bringing in; the pile of clean, wet washing that needs hanging out; the load of clean, dry washing that needs putting away; the washing basket full of bedding waiting to be washed ... washing, washing, more sodding washing! I fed Eddy because no one else will and I wouldn't ignore that sort of thing. I don't often feel like this.

I don't feel any better or worse for moaning.  Still irritable. It will pass and I will get on with doing the chores without a second thought. It's just the way it is, for now.

The Good Stuff ...

 Its been a long busy day and I'm tired. The sky is amazing but my phone/camera wouldn't do it justice.
 A couple of weeks ago at half term, we packed up my Brother's campervan and Sister-in-law's Grandad's 70's trailer tent and set off to North Wales for a week. It marked the two year anniversary of 'Bro and wife' taking on the three little ones, they are now legally adopted.
When they first brought them to live with them they were aged 1, 2 and 3 ... a handful even for an experienced parent. The five of them have blossomed together, six with Bernie the dog, it's been a huge change for him too. Now its hard to imagine a time when they weren't here. I can't post close up pictures of them. They are beautiful, generous, happy, and full of love and gratitude. It was the first time they had been camping for more than one night and the weather was perfect. Even the locals were shocked; a full uninterrupted week of sun in Wales!
We hired a beach hut and passed each day hanging out by the sea, the beach cafe, the outdoor paddling pool and the park; all within fifty paces ...  perfect. We set up a BBQ there so we could eat in the early evening and by the time we got back to the tents/van at night the kids were whacked. So were we.
My Dad's wife still lives and works there. We scattered his ashes out in the sea, it was what he wanted and the timing was perfect, spending the week there with him gradually drifting out to sea...

The view from the campervan, Bernie and Hamper G

 

Bro and me in the sea with kids. I didn't intend to go in fully clothed, I started out paddling and kept going further in as it was surprisingly warm...

love and light

 

When we were kids at the beach, my Dad always built us a sand-car or boat or whatever else it became during the day. I used to really look forward to it, I do the same now for our/their kids and it was great to see them enjoying and adapting it... I think Hamper G was Cleopatra in her bath of Asses' milk.

The 'grown ups', Stropster and Geekster, stayed home and looked after the house and Eddy the cat. There may have been a couple of parties but no damage. I can't believe how responsible they are, all things considered.
Camping in Wales is always my happiest time, I hope you enjoyed it too.. I'll be back real soon. Love and Thanks xx

Some things change ... and some don't

So after a few tours of blogland I find a lot of the bloggers from my reading list have gone, some to wordpress and some just gone. Maybe they will be back. I suppose some things change in three years. And some don't. Something I will change this time is I wont tell my drugs worker or my Mum/family about the blog, it got to a point where I was having to be a bit careful what I wrote, rather defeating the object. "Geekster" knows about the blog, but it's of little interest to him. He passed ten O levels! and is half way through his two years study for A levels; maths, physics, chemistry and music technology. He's progressing well with piano and guitar and music in general. "Stropster" celebrated his 21st birthday last week, no longer a stroppy teenager; a qualified, hard working mechanic, still with his first love and still prone to the odd outburst but hey all things considered. And Hamper G well shes 9! she's just been on her first residential trip with the school for three nights, unfortunately she came back with a virus and has had to stay home this week. She still idolises her mostly absent dad, no prizes for guessing where he is again.."HMP somewhere". I will leave that one there.

I read a few blogs today. One subject cropped up a few times and struck a chord with me, it got me thinking. Why is it so damned hard to get clean/stay clean? Why, when we vow for the 300th time that this time is the one, that we mean it and want it, does it not happen? We imagine the life we could have, who we would be, where we could go and what we could do, all the changes we could make, how much better we will feel, look, the list goes on. All that would be gained by giving up one thing. Hell, the finances alone would make it worth it and yet that would be the smallest gain. Why, when its so obviously worth trading in, can't we do it? I know its not that simple and of course I have no answers, but the parents, friends, partners, children of addicts everywhere ask themselves the same thing. Is it because we just don't really see it for the hopeless disease that it really is. Are our hopes and dreams simply unrealistic. Would it be like listening to someone with an incurable or almost incurable illness (obesity, diabetes, aids ) making the same plans. Yes of course they would trade it in for a wonderful future, but they cant. Can we? Really? In seventeen years of Heroin addiction I still only know two other addicts who stayed clean. I know many addicts who are no longer here. I didn't know until just now that obesity was classed as almost incurable.

Every so often I will see another addict in town looking well, smiling, fresh from rehab or prison telling me how good life is, swearing they will never go back to that crap and I try so hard to hope that the next time I see them they wont be standing down some alley on their mobile, not smiling. but they usually are.This is very depressing. Frightening even. We know it will kill us, why isn't that enough reason to stop.

I don't even want to think about it any more, no of course I don't. I've written this post in bits, as and when I've had time this afternoon and evening so I have been thinking about it most of today and nothing has changed. It all feels so helpless.

Well I think that will do for now, its almost midnight, again . I had forgotten how long this blogging thing took, but at least I haven't spent the evening smoking one thing and another. I will be back. Thanks to anyone reading xx