Some things change ... and some don't

So after a few tours of blogland I find a lot of the bloggers from my reading list have gone, some to wordpress and some just gone. Maybe they will be back. I suppose some things change in three years. And some don't. Something I will change this time is I wont tell my drugs worker or my Mum/family about the blog, it got to a point where I was having to be a bit careful what I wrote, rather defeating the object. "Geekster" knows about the blog, but it's of little interest to him. He passed ten O levels! and is half way through his two years study for A levels; maths, physics, chemistry and music technology. He's progressing well with piano and guitar and music in general. "Stropster" celebrated his 21st birthday last week, no longer a stroppy teenager; a qualified, hard working mechanic, still with his first love and still prone to the odd outburst but hey all things considered. And Hamper G well shes 9! she's just been on her first residential trip with the school for three nights, unfortunately she came back with a virus and has had to stay home this week. She still idolises her mostly absent dad, no prizes for guessing where he is again.."HMP somewhere". I will leave that one there.

I read a few blogs today. One subject cropped up a few times and struck a chord with me, it got me thinking. Why is it so damned hard to get clean/stay clean? Why, when we vow for the 300th time that this time is the one, that we mean it and want it, does it not happen? We imagine the life we could have, who we would be, where we could go and what we could do, all the changes we could make, how much better we will feel, look, the list goes on. All that would be gained by giving up one thing. Hell, the finances alone would make it worth it and yet that would be the smallest gain. Why, when its so obviously worth trading in, can't we do it? I know its not that simple and of course I have no answers, but the parents, friends, partners, children of addicts everywhere ask themselves the same thing. Is it because we just don't really see it for the hopeless disease that it really is. Are our hopes and dreams simply unrealistic. Would it be like listening to someone with an incurable or almost incurable illness (obesity, diabetes, aids ) making the same plans. Yes of course they would trade it in for a wonderful future, but they cant. Can we? Really? In seventeen years of Heroin addiction I still only know two other addicts who stayed clean. I know many addicts who are no longer here. I didn't know until just now that obesity was classed as almost incurable.

Every so often I will see another addict in town looking well, smiling, fresh from rehab or prison telling me how good life is, swearing they will never go back to that crap and I try so hard to hope that the next time I see them they wont be standing down some alley on their mobile, not smiling. but they usually are.This is very depressing. Frightening even. We know it will kill us, why isn't that enough reason to stop.

I don't even want to think about it any more, no of course I don't. I've written this post in bits, as and when I've had time this afternoon and evening so I have been thinking about it most of today and nothing has changed. It all feels so helpless.

Well I think that will do for now, its almost midnight, again . I had forgotten how long this blogging thing took, but at least I haven't spent the evening smoking one thing and another. I will be back. Thanks to anyone reading xx