Uncomfortably numb

Once again I click on new post and don't know what to say.

I have several draft posts started at various times this week. One of them begins, and ends;
"Well I'll be buggered if I'm gonna let this shit stop me writing . . ." hmmmm.

I had an appointment with my Drugs worker yesterday. She said she had never seen me so flat. Neither up nor down, no motivation, no plans. No laughter, no tears.
I asked her, could this be the Prozac? She answered,well it could be, but these are also symptoms of the depression, which they are trying to treat with Prozac . . . It may be that they need to up the dose . . . what? Without knowing whether the damn pills are the cause. This is how I see it.
These are symptoms of depression, Prozac are anti-depressants, how can they be causing symptoms of depression  . . .  ?

I seem to be going round in circles . . . again.

So. Round and round I go.

Back to school yesterday, that's two mornings I've had to leave little Hamper G stood alone crying in a crowded class room, it breaks my heart and I don't know how much longer I would be able to do this. She made many friends locally over the holidays and spent so much time across the road on the park with a large group of girls, aged seven to eleven . . . but, of course, they all go the local school, where there are no places available. She feels lonely, lost and afraid and as her Mother, those are the last feelings on earth that I want her to feel. I know, I know, there are kids out there going through real trauma . . . and I realise, in comparison, this is nothing. But at the time it feels huge.

I let Hamper G and her Dad down on the prison visit. I never thought I would do that. I could just not face it . . . I've re-booked for a week today. Yes, I keep on hoping, praying, wishing that something will change. I know it has to be me that makes the changes but I still can't find that missing bit of me, that strength, fight, the motivation that kick started the changes last time.

This post reflects pretty much how I feel; dull, empty, miserable and stuck. I do feel bad even posting this, but I am aware, and grateful, that many of you truly care about me, so I thought it right that I up-date.

I want nothing more than to get back to where I was. Busy, motivated and feeling as though I was right on the edge of something good . . .

Thanks for still reading here. I am still reading all of your blogs and though I often click on "post a comment" . . I sit and stare at the empty box or type, delete, type, delete . . . thinking it all sounds wrong. 

I so hope my next post is not like this . . .

Hey, I've just been to the chemist to pick up my script. One bit of good news, I weighed myself there and I'm down to 63kg from 70kg. My aim was, and still is, 60kg, so I'm almost there. Woopidoo! slim and miserable ;-)

I know one should never apologise for the truth, so I won't, but really, I do wish I had something more positive to write about . . .  I can list many things that I know I'm grateful for, but I just can't feel the gratitude, or much else really.

Love and thanks to all x