I'm a mess

I'm a mess.

There, I've said it. I really am an utter mess. Along with my house, that's an utter mess too. And my hair, and teeth. And lungs, well that's a whole post in itself. In fact every sentence contained in this initial post could possibly be a whole post in itself. Okay, maybe not my hair, unless it was one of those blogs, which its not.

I have so much I want to write about. I'm not sure where to start, but I'm determined to make a start. Connecting with you good, non-judgemental folk really helped me in the past. Being brutally honest with myself and you, helped. Just having to think enough to write helped really ... So, here goes.

It's sunny and warm out there, Spring is here for sure and I'm not ready. Its far easier to hide in the Winter; hoods up, gloves and boots, scarf around the face, head down against the wind. I feel like I'm about to be exposed. I am. People are out there mowing lawns and stuff... Normal stuff doing normal people ... Ha! Or vice-versa (a genuine mistake) I know, I know, what's normal and all that... but you know what I mean. Normal is what 90% of the street are doing on this sunny Sunday afternoon. I don't think I can even pretend normal anymore. The garden is a mess too. Fuck, this is all a bit depressing but I gotta start with the truth. Maybe not the whole of it, I would be here for days.

Lets throw a positive note in here, I have stopped smoking (cigarettes)... Okay, that's a lie. I have almost stopped smoking. I'm using nicotine patches and have cut right back to maybe two small, teeny weeny roll ups a day ... maybe three. Definitely not fifteen or twenty, as was the case. So, that's good eh. I'm teaching Geekster and Hamper G to play the piano, which has forced me back to the piano, another positive.

Hamper G (8) is begging me to take her to the park... This is my worst nightmare, maybe not my very worst, but certainly one of them. This is me about to be exposed. I only have a pair of very furry, very warm Ugg boots, I cant go out in those today! O God, I can't face it, it will be packed out with normality ... Normal families in their brand new, normal spring outfits, that they have been itching to wear ... Am I mad?

And yet, I can't say no... "How long now Mum?".. "C'mon Mum, you need some fresh air" Do I? The sweat is prickling on my nose just thinking about it. O Lord. I haven't got time to edit or mess around with this. I will be back for sure, as soon as I possibly can.

I have missed you all. I could happily sit here and write all day. I am being dragged away. Mentally, I am kicking and screaming. I hope its not too warm  out there for a jumper, at the very least. I am scared but I'm going. Exposure therapy!

Thank you for being here. I love you all.