The Good Stuff ...

 Its been a long busy day and I'm tired. The sky is amazing but my phone/camera wouldn't do it justice.
 A couple of weeks ago at half term, we packed up my Brother's campervan and Sister-in-law's Grandad's 70's trailer tent and set off to North Wales for a week. It marked the two year anniversary of 'Bro and wife' taking on the three little ones, they are now legally adopted.
When they first brought them to live with them they were aged 1, 2 and 3 ... a handful even for an experienced parent. The five of them have blossomed together, six with Bernie the dog, it's been a huge change for him too. Now its hard to imagine a time when they weren't here. I can't post close up pictures of them. They are beautiful, generous, happy, and full of love and gratitude. It was the first time they had been camping for more than one night and the weather was perfect. Even the locals were shocked; a full uninterrupted week of sun in Wales!
We hired a beach hut and passed each day hanging out by the sea, the beach cafe, the outdoor paddling pool and the park; all within fifty paces ...  perfect. We set up a BBQ there so we could eat in the early evening and by the time we got back to the tents/van at night the kids were whacked. So were we.
My Dad's wife still lives and works there. We scattered his ashes out in the sea, it was what he wanted and the timing was perfect, spending the week there with him gradually drifting out to sea...

The view from the campervan, Bernie and Hamper G

 

Bro and me in the sea with kids. I didn't intend to go in fully clothed, I started out paddling and kept going further in as it was surprisingly warm...

love and light

 

When we were kids at the beach, my Dad always built us a sand-car or boat or whatever else it became during the day. I used to really look forward to it, I do the same now for our/their kids and it was great to see them enjoying and adapting it... I think Hamper G was Cleopatra in her bath of Asses' milk.

The 'grown ups', Stropster and Geekster, stayed home and looked after the house and Eddy the cat. There may have been a couple of parties but no damage. I can't believe how responsible they are, all things considered.
Camping in Wales is always my happiest time, I hope you enjoyed it too.. I'll be back real soon. Love and Thanks xx

Some things change ... and some don't

So after a few tours of blogland I find a lot of the bloggers from my reading list have gone, some to wordpress and some just gone. Maybe they will be back. I suppose some things change in three years. And some don't. Something I will change this time is I wont tell my drugs worker or my Mum/family about the blog, it got to a point where I was having to be a bit careful what I wrote, rather defeating the object. "Geekster" knows about the blog, but it's of little interest to him. He passed ten O levels! and is half way through his two years study for A levels; maths, physics, chemistry and music technology. He's progressing well with piano and guitar and music in general. "Stropster" celebrated his 21st birthday last week, no longer a stroppy teenager; a qualified, hard working mechanic, still with his first love and still prone to the odd outburst but hey all things considered. And Hamper G well shes 9! she's just been on her first residential trip with the school for three nights, unfortunately she came back with a virus and has had to stay home this week. She still idolises her mostly absent dad, no prizes for guessing where he is again.."HMP somewhere". I will leave that one there.

I read a few blogs today. One subject cropped up a few times and struck a chord with me, it got me thinking. Why is it so damned hard to get clean/stay clean? Why, when we vow for the 300th time that this time is the one, that we mean it and want it, does it not happen? We imagine the life we could have, who we would be, where we could go and what we could do, all the changes we could make, how much better we will feel, look, the list goes on. All that would be gained by giving up one thing. Hell, the finances alone would make it worth it and yet that would be the smallest gain. Why, when its so obviously worth trading in, can't we do it? I know its not that simple and of course I have no answers, but the parents, friends, partners, children of addicts everywhere ask themselves the same thing. Is it because we just don't really see it for the hopeless disease that it really is. Are our hopes and dreams simply unrealistic. Would it be like listening to someone with an incurable or almost incurable illness (obesity, diabetes, aids ) making the same plans. Yes of course they would trade it in for a wonderful future, but they cant. Can we? Really? In seventeen years of Heroin addiction I still only know two other addicts who stayed clean. I know many addicts who are no longer here. I didn't know until just now that obesity was classed as almost incurable.

Every so often I will see another addict in town looking well, smiling, fresh from rehab or prison telling me how good life is, swearing they will never go back to that crap and I try so hard to hope that the next time I see them they wont be standing down some alley on their mobile, not smiling. but they usually are.This is very depressing. Frightening even. We know it will kill us, why isn't that enough reason to stop.

I don't even want to think about it any more, no of course I don't. I've written this post in bits, as and when I've had time this afternoon and evening so I have been thinking about it most of today and nothing has changed. It all feels so helpless.

Well I think that will do for now, its almost midnight, again . I had forgotten how long this blogging thing took, but at least I haven't spent the evening smoking one thing and another. I will be back. Thanks to anyone reading xx

A Rare Event!

Very rarely the full moon of June; the honeymoon, more often called the strawberry moon as strawberry picking begins, coincides with the Summer Solstice. The last time was 1967 and the next time will be 2062. 

Slightly more often than this, I sneak over to my blog and sit and wonder why? So many whys. Too many whys and then I run away. This time I didn't run away. I began to catch up on your blogs, re-read comments that have been left here. I realised, yet again, how lucky I had been to have such support and love and understanding from so many good people ... I was overwhelmed and angry with myself and I almost ran away again. I tried to work out why; why I run away from so much good. More whys followed...

I sat up till the early hours (last  night) reading here, wondering why and if... if I could start again, why not, if not and so on. I read through a few of my posts, the last handful only made it as drafts but even so, I just know that I always felt better, in some way or another, after writing a post ... every time.

This is starting to look like a post, to feel like a post in that I feel connected somehow already and that feels like a good start.

It's gone midnight and I could write all night. Or I could post this and come back and keep coming back as they say. I am sorry that it has been such a long time, I have no excuse other than I am slightly bonkers and tend towards self destruction but I am trying to change. Still. When I can focus I am trying to grasp the basics of mindfullness and self-discipline.  I am sure these are necessary to make some of the changes that I need to make. I guess I need to learn to focus first. Now there's a strange word, focus.

Lordy its nearly 1am, its taken almost an hour to write four lines. Focus indeed. I really will be back. I hope I get a chance to reconnect with you. I have truly thought about you all at some point over the years and missed you. I'm sending hugs and love and thanks to you.