Buckets of sweat, buckets of tears . . .

I saw my drugs worker this afernoon and I'm beginning to trust her. I realised today that she's genuinely willing and possibly able to help me. This a first for me with a drugs worker. Usually they prescribe your meds, do urine tests and threaten to stop your script if you can't produce a clean sample. Yeah, that's helpful. I've only had this new worker for a few months and she actually wants to uncover the reasons for this behaviour. She wants to help me.
My half an hour appointment ran into an hour with buckets of tears; another first for me, in front of anyone other than a partner. We proper dragged some stuff out from under that rug and examined it closely.
At the end of the hour, as I was leaving, she said "I'll come out for a fag with you, I think I need one after that . . . I do care you know". . . and would you believe it, she had tears in her eyes. We talked some more outside. The first thing she suggested I do, other than stay clean for today, is to write a letter to my Dad, no matter whether I send it or not. It would possibly be easier to write if I imagine I'm not going to send it. But I will take her advice, for sure, and write the letter.

Other good news came half way through our prison visit on Monday. The guard stopped at our table and said "Come on then, off we go, you've got twenty minutes" I looked at LQ (Hamper G's dad) with some concern . . .??
"C'mon he said, go get my crutches from the desk"
We were then escorted out into a courtyard, where the sun was just breaking through the clouds. There was a park . . . O wow, with a slide and climbing frame and a few other play areas.
I'd read about this park on the prison website, but knowing that a prisoner has to be on "enhanced" to receive such privileges  . . . and knowing LQ has been on "basic" (ie no privileges) for two years, this would mean two promotions; once to "standard", then to "enhanced". I thought there was no chance of this ever happening. I never mentioned the park to Hamper G.
I didn't cry at the time, but fuck, I've cried since. I've cried a lot today. I can't believe he would ever tow the line to such an extent to get twenty minutes on the park with his daughter. He must have been so excited and yet he didn't even mention it. He is not one for towing any kind of line, especially where screws are concerned. But he did, what a week.

Hamper G stayed at school for lunch today. I picked her up at 1.15pm rather than 12.00pm. One of the teachers/helpers said that Hamper is secretly beginning to enjoy being there. She has the impression that Hamper G is weighing up every person and situation in her own time, then gradually, and only when she feels safe, she is joining in. That sounds about right, I was reassured just to know that this helper had taken the time to think about how Hamper's mind was working. Good. There were only a couple of tears this morning, a major improvement. A much better start to the day.

The sun has shone relentlessly since the visit to the prison park. It is so so hot. I've not yet got back into the swing of my workout and weights as I'm still getting used to walking four or five miles a day. I've stuck to my healthy eating plan though, I'll weigh in tomorrow  . . . I must have lost two kilos in sweat alone, and then all those tears. I'll try and make myself do some skipping, weights and work out tomorrow. I was feeling the benefit from it . . . and I will again.

So all in all, I reckon I have much to be grateful for here. The main thing being that I got through today clean. I'm sure this all sounds a bit familiar and possibly rather boring . . . but to me it's quite exciting. With each slip I learn something new. With each new thing I learn, my hope is renewed, my outlook brightened. I'm sure I can find less dangerous ways of learning, but a lot was revealed from this latest relapse.

Well, it's almost midnight and I have another full and busy day tomorrow. Six hours of hamster  house cleaning for starters.
I'm thankful you good folk are still reading here, still encouraging me and supporting me. I really am, I hope you know that.

Goodnight, sleep well x