Saturday night 22.22

O ya bugger I am exhausted . . . We just got in from the school's Summer fete. I thought we best show our faces and Hamper G had heard there would be a bouncy castle; there was but it wasn't as big as those at the carnival. It passed a few hours that should've been spent cleaning, washing, mowing, blah di blah . . . Tommorow.

Now I've pulled my skeleton out of the cupboard and flicked over it with a duster, I feel ready to continue with my story . . . I understand that it's not lighthearted or comfortable reading but it was a dark time . . . I struggled to balance it; to spare the details yet include some of the events that caused the changes in our relationship. I might flash back in the future to random incidents . . . but for now I'm more than ready for the escape! which is also more tragedy than comedy . . . but I can't re-write the past . . .

Talking of which, I was chatting to Mum the other day about how I (and my elder sister) had zero self-confidence or any sense of worth in my teens and 20's  . . . and 30's, and yet looking back at old photos it's hard to imagine "that girl" in the photos, felt that way in her head . . . She said "You were on cannabis though!" . . . O right, that'd be why then . . . that being a well known side effect of cannabis . . . Not.
In fact, smoking cannabis and drinking alcohol boosted my confidence, gave me the courage to speak, to sing . . . it took away the crippling shyness that made me blush, or sometimes even run from the room, if someone was to ask me a question. Always a sense of being "less than" forged by unfavourable comparisons to other people's children . . . "Why can't you be more like Mrs X's daughter?"  . . . "Why don't you open your mouth when you sing in church like Mr Y's daughter"
Hmmm . . . "because I didn't have Mrs X or Mr Y to build me up, love and nurture me; make me feel worthy of that love and nurturing"
Anyway . . . I allowed her to kid herself that cannabis was to blame for my lack of self-belief . . . I wasn't smoking cannabis at twelve, I was too busy being "loved" by middle age paedo tramps beacuse I was flattered that they would love me. OK, I'll stop there. I'm just saying, I won't re-write the past to please or make it comfortable. It wasn't.

So . . .

I managed to stay clean for seven days this week. I would say WayHay!! but having slipped up on day eight, I've sort of missed the wayhay moment! Some of those days were amazingly easy, there was hardly any battle, just the occasional "NO, I will not even consider it today . . . come back and chat tomorrow, (to self) today is not an option, I am staying clean" . . . the desire had all but gone.
I shared this at N/A on Wednesday . . . It's just as well I had something to share. There were just the three of us; the Chairbloke (tough guy), the woman who has five years clean from drink, downers and speed, and me . . . The Chairbloke opened the meeting; he slumped himself into a chair and growled;
" I don't even fucking wanna be here. But then again I don't want to be at home either. Or anyfuckingwhere else . . . I've had a crap "load of bollox" week, I feel like a bag of shit . . . And don't know why the fuck I'm even here" . . . Nice. (there may have been a few more expletives but you get the gist)
The woman asked him,
"Who are you here for?"
"You lot innit?. . . I aint here for myself am I? I'm all done!" was his reply.
"You might as well go now if that's your attitude" she said . . . But he stayed to huff and puff and eat his way through our readings and shares. Ignorant git.

Hmmmm. Not a good atmosphere for a meeting but we carried on, then finished early. Tough guy did briefly share that he had become cynical at the Buddhist centre three weeks ago, had lost his peace and hadn't faced up to going back. I asked after the meeting if he might go back this Friday, and if so, could I get a lift there with him please? . . . I didn't hear from him on Friday so I will look to see if there is a bus route to this place; I'd love to go, I will find a way. Of course.

I put enough money away in the last two weeks for Geekster to have all new Summer clothes to take to Spain next Monday. He's going with his best friend Marley and family (our next door neighbours).
Stropster had his third driving lesson this afternoon, he was almost satisfied that he'd only stalled twice . . . He said the instructor was more than happy with him . . . but Stropster is not as forgiving (of himself or anyone else . . . yet) as the driving instructor. He's agreed to come to the Doctor with me to be referred for anger management courses . . . nip it in the bud as it were. It could be an age/hormone thing but I'm not prepared to take the risk of thinking it will pass with age . . . in case it doesn't.

Hamper G is now settled in school, only two more weeks and the school closes for the Summer holidays . . . I'm so looking forward to camping in Wales this summer. I've paid extra for the "panoramic view pitch" . . . and borrowed a huge trailer tent with "proper" beds, a good size cooker and sink, electrical hook up for fridge, kettle, toaster, laptop, fairy lights etc etc . . . I really am happy and grateful to be able to do this . . .

 . . . And this. Thanks to everyone reading x