BUT, But. but . . .
Today is day five! So, I see progress. I wont elaborate; sometimes the less said the better at this stage, in a sort of "Don't over dwell or give it too much attention, but don't take your eye off it for a second, either" sort of way.
I've finally re-started the decorating! Clearing that top shelf, to find the Hanneka portraits, kick started me and I've been pretty much non-stop ever since. The kids have all agreed (!?) to swap rooms, which works out well . . . leaving me downstairs in the lounge. I'm OK with that, I have all I need in this room, and it will be a luxury to have a room for myself at last . . . Yeah well, let's put this thing in perspective, I've been "In the middle of decorating" since I moved in, yes, twelve years! The kids' rooms have all been decorated twice but the lounge, never having been a priority, remains untouched. It's OK, but not what I would choose . . . I dare say I'll have plenty of time to think about what I would choose . . . what I will choose. Possibly another twelve years? No no no.
Bernie, Bro's dog, came to stay with us today, he often has a day, or two, here. We needed to go into town and as it wasn't quite raining, we decided to do it this morning . . . Opticians, Doctors, the Bank and two parks later, we came home in the rain and settled into an armchair each (Hamper and I) for a rest. Dozing off, lying in the chair sideways with my legs over the arm of the chair, I could sense Bernie next to me wondering if he dare jump up onto me, and where or how he would settle once he was up . . . He thought carefully, assessing it all from various angles. I pretended to be asleep, knowing that he wouldn't be able to resist trying it eventually . . . I was right.
Half an hour later I woke up feeling as though I'd undergone a spinal anaesthetic; numb from the chest down . . . He's a soppy fool that dog! my laptop was on the table, right in front of me . . . close enough to click on Webcam and capture this . . .
He's not a small dog at four feet tall and no lightweight either. We love him, he loves us and I can't wait to go camping with him. He enjoys every second of it and smiles the whole time.
The misbehaving jet stream, which is apparently to blame for two months of grey sky, intermittent drizzles and downpours, and floods . . . is finally moving!!
Sunshine and summer heat are on the way. Wonderful. I must say I do feel very positive about . . . well, everything really. I like that; looking forward to things; camping, decorating, changing, progressing . . . all of it.Well . . . I think on that optimistic note, I'll go to bed. Some old footage of Roy Harper was unearthed this week and put on You Tube. As it's one of my favourite songs, I'm gonna have to bring it here to round off the day.
Many things to be grateful for today, and many people here in the Blogosphere too. Thanks for being here and helping me to believe this would happen . . . It's happening x
Dogs are such silly creatures - they all think they are lap dogs! Dex has to have a morning cuddle - usually between Gary and I - on his back and turns his head to each of us for kisses. He will often try to sit in my lap when he's asking to go for his walk.
ReplyDeleteHi Jeannie, I saw a "Dex" yesterday in ths park. He came up to Bernie for a sniff so I managed to get a stroke of his head and called him Dex. They do love some silliness. So pleased to read your good news last night.
DeleteGreat to read this positive post. Long may it continue. My dog likes to sit on me and he is 30kgs. certainly not a puppy anymore. Everyone who comes to my house ends up covered in dog hair!
ReplyDeleteLove to you , KG> xxx
Hi Kiwigirl . . . I thought of you in Asda on Wednesday; this black guy started folowing me around and finally tried a "Yo" in the pizza aisle. He was a good looking bloke and I was flattered but he was also a badman type . . . so I kicked my hormones into place and stayed close to the freezers to cool down! Phew.
DeleteHope all is well with you, with love x
Day 5? Yay you that's awesome - hang in there and then it will be day 6. I'm on day 3, baby steps, but they all add up to a healthier mind and life.
ReplyDeleteWhen you make the lounge (your room) a priority and decorate it, does that mean you are then making yourself a priority? That would be ace.
Omg I hope that jet stream moves. We've been lucky in that we haven't flooded or anything like a lot of folk, but the never-ending glumness is sooo depressing. We all need summers after such long, endless winters xx
Yeah! day 6 now. As you say they all add up to equal progress in all areas.
DeleteYep, when I've finished the kids' rooms, I will be a priority . . . I really am looking forward to that stage.
Since yesterday I've heard so many folk talking of the jet stream moving . . . everyone is more than ready for it. We do need, at least, a few weeks of sun and warm, like now!
Well done on day three . . . maybe four now x
Morning
ReplyDeleteThat's fantastic news ! & the sun is shining, & now it's my turn to be pleased for you.
Great tune by the way ! x
Hey . . . Sat morning now and the sun is shining! I've gone a week with one tiny slip (which I'm not gonna count as I fell asleep after 6 lines and was so pissed of with myself the next morning that I chucked the rest!) . . So It's my first week ever. Ever. Buzzing. Off to decorate again. If I get any problems with decorating, I'll ask you.
DeleteGreat tune indeed! have a good un mate x
That is the bigest lap dog I ever seen.The pix is to cute with the 2 of you so close.The song is nice and relaxing I thouhgt he was not going to sing thats a nice surprise.XoXoXo
ReplyDeleteHi Bev, I got the dog again tomorrow, he might as well live here!
DeleteI'm glad you listened to the song Bev, thanks :-)
We got some sun today . . . Yeah! Gotta hang washing out then do some decorating . . . hopefully I can finish writing part two of "escape" tonight (without falling asleep)
Have a good day Bev, thanks for being here x x
My comment disappeared...or did I hit publish without realizing???? Anyhow, happy DAY Six. Your dog is adorable. You have a big dog that thinks its little, I have a little dog who things she's big.
ReplyDeleteDay seven now!
DeleteHe's Bro's dog Barbara . . . but he spends a lot of time here as they work. They are funny animals, he follows me everywhere, like even to the toilet. He waits outside the door for me!
I hope things are smoooth for you Barbara, I often think about you. Take care, be strong and thanks for being here x x x
What a wonderful dog pic! I love our dogs - can't imagine life without them.
ReplyDeleteDay Six done...off to day seven!
Sherry . . . Yeah!! day Seven . . . That's a week! the first week in twelve long years!! And the sun is out! how good does it get? . . . Back later, hopefully with another episode.
DeleteHave a good day Sherry x x
Heya Bugerlugs,
ReplyDeleteLove your upbeat post and I'm so happy you have hit the day five mark! You are well on your way and I'm super excited for you. One of my son's therapists gave him a really cool suggestion which was to set a time frame where he would not use, say six weeks. Everytime he had the urge he was to remind himself that he has to make it to that six week mark. The therapist said that if he made it, he would feel so much pride in himself for getting through six whole weeks that he would want to set a new goal instead of getting back on the roller coaster and then feeling guilt and shame. Kind of an interesting approach, I thought.
Looking forward to reading The Escape-part 2. Oh and I'm so glad you found the picture of Higgins and posted it. Neat to be able to put the face to the story. I can see why he captured your heart. :-)
Hope the sun is shining your way today,
Summer
Hi Summer . . . Yep we have sun today! well so far, anyway, let's hope it lasts the day.
DeleteI've done my first week ever in 12 yrs. I did have one tiny slip but I'm not counting it as I fell asleep after one quarter of the bag (I smoke it) and I was so cross the next morning that I threw away the rest! Now, that's unheard of. So I'm calling it a week.
I don't know if a six week time frame would work for most addicts. I'm only saying this because the only "clean junkies" I've ever seen are at N/A . . . where they say "just for today" and believe me, sometimes one day can feel like a lifetime. Even to the point of saying "just for this morning" or "just for this hour". Has he tried N/A Summer?
I'm hoping to finish part two of the Escape tonight, after a day of decorating . . . although if the sun keeps shining I might have to do some gardening and make the most of the weather.
I'm glad I found the photo . . . I sat thinking about it all last night; I don't think I ever found that passion again, with anyone . . . then again, I could be wrong. Once I start trawling through the memories I may well be surprised!
Enjoy the weekend Summer x x
One week is awesome! I wouldn't count the little oops either. You tossed it (YAY!!) and it's done. Good for you! You mentioned NA, I'm curious what kind of support you have if you don't mind me asking?
DeleteMy son tried NA and claimed he really liked it. But he only went when I drove him and only one of those times did he even suggest it. The rest of the time I was like "hey, let's do a meeting" and he would grumble along. I'm pretty well mortified that I didn't get that I was trying to manage his illness....but I meant well anyway. He never got a sponsor and once he started Outpatient Rehab, he never went back to NA. I don't really get it. He says he wants to get better but he puts forth very little effort into his own recovery but will do all sorts of scary things to get the drugs.
My first thought when you mention not having passion with anyone else that you can recall is that your still young. Life might surprise you, ya know? You might surprise you! Just when we're sure we don't want a man is about the time one seems to pop up and be too irresistible to say no too. ;-)
Your weekend of decorating, writing and gardening sounds fabulous.
Big hugs,
Summer
Hi Summer, I don't have any support at the minute in N/A as I need to be totally clean from gear and methadone to be able to do the steps and get a sponsor.
DeleteI do try to go once a week though, as I find it encouraging to meet addicts who have actually got clean; it's the only place I've ever seen this.
I definitely find the "Just for today" helps, it sounds so simple, but really it's got me through every day that I've done clean. Also committing the whole issue to a higher power. A lot of people are put off by this as they see it as "religion" or "God stuff" . . . I'm OK with "God stuff" as I believe in God, but there are folk there who don't believe in God and can still work with this. It is really a matter of seeing that, as a person, we are powerless over this and then praying to whichever higher power we choose, to help remove the obssession, the cravings, to help us to see the good that comes from saying No.
I could write so much about this. I know many addicts, myself included, who say they/we want to get better but appear to do very little about it, yet go to great lengths to score. It is very hard to break free, I've even heard drugs workers say "If you want to stop, you will stop" . . . if only that were true.
In the depths of this addiction, we are controlled by it, no matter how much we want to stop, it is no longer about what we want. We lose that strength, the person we were before the addiction is (temporarily) lost . . . along with our will power and sense of self. It's hard to explain. Once I found I could go just one day without . . . and then two, I started to get glimpses of who I was in reality, as opposed to the addict . . . Once you can stand back just a little way from it, it's much easier to see how powerful and controlling it is. I try to keep this in mind, as it sometimes takes only one small slip to be blindfolded and right back in the depths of it again. Cunning and baffling as they say in N/A. Sorry this is long!
And yes, who knows what's round the corner. I can't imagine being in a relationship again, but 8 months ago I couldn't imagine going one day without gear . . . All things are possible.
Hugs and love to you Summer x
Wow, thank you so much for that great response. Not long at all, by the way. I really appreciate your truthfulness. What you say, makes good sense to me. I wish my son had a friend like you! You have so much wisdom to pass on.
DeleteI hope you can get into a support system with NA very soon. I think it would be so great for you to have a sponsor and I also think you have much to offer. You really do have a very special gift. You could write an incredible autobiography, ya know.
Love and hugs to you, my friend!
Summer
I really want an 秋田犬 akita inu from Japan. Especially an American akita. They're meant to be even bigger and furrier. I'd especially like a female one. As they're 1 less likely to fight with other dogs down the park and 2 more likely to have puppies :-)
ReplyDeleteBecause 秋田犬 akita inus are quite big, a lot of people go instead for a 柴犬 shiba inu, that looks exactly the same and is often used in films to play 秋田 akita puppies. 柴犬 shiba inu means "brushwood doggie" in Japanese...
Hi Gledwood, My kids often ask for a dog . . but it's a No no. We borrow Bernie often enough and they're a massive responsibilty. Three kids and "20 odd" hamsters are enough for me! When I've taken the six pups to the pet shop, I think that leaves me with 19.
DeleteIf you enjoy dogs, would you consider advertising as a dog walker? . . . It would get you out, and be a good way of earning cash.
When you said on your recent post that after you've posted you walk away thinking, why did I write that? . . and hearing dumb comments. I just wondered, were they your own dumb comments or ours? ;-)
Hope your weekend goes well Gledwood. We got some sun here today . . . for now! x x
5 days - :-D Congrats! Glad things are good - gratitude changes the attitude and all that stuff
ReplyDelete7 days now! a quarter of a bag sliup up mid week but I'm not counting it as I fell asleep and threw the rest away in the morning!
DeleteNice bit of sunshine today and a massive clear out of one room . . . hoping to paint ceiling tomorrow.
Yes, much to be grateful for here. Hope all is well with you x x
You and Bernie look very happy together.
ReplyDeleteYeah! Good to have you back Twisted Scottish Bastard. Bernie is due here any minute now, for the day. I saved him a plate of roast dinner (and gravy) last night . . . He's gonna be so happy!
ReplyDeleteI hope all is well with you. Thanks for being here x
The lounge sounds wonderful..mama needs a room of her own.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter has a Boston terrier (google if haven't seen one. They are comical dogs). He has these huge, doleful eyes (they always look like they are getting ready to cry), and he will stand there looking at me in the chair. I simply have to let him come up!
Hey Lou! Good to "see" you :-)
DeleteYes, it's the thought of us all having our own room that's driving me on . . . could be a while yet as there are endless interruptions with the kids off school.
I'll google Boston terier, I don't think I've seen one. I swear Bernie understands every word I say.
Another sunny day here! x x
bugerlugs63 I should re decorate to.Will you be decribing the room.I know it will be special.Will it be purple?Yesterday I was thinking about wall paper not doing it just thinking how pretty the place would look with little flowers al over it.
ReplyDeleteHey Bev, I'll do some photos of the rooms. I should do "before" and "After" . . . I will. Did loads of clearing today to empty the rooms, but as it was sunny I found some work to do outside too. It was a scorcher (for UK). Take care Bev x
ReplyDeleteHere to bugerlugs.
ReplyDeleteYour dog seems to love you a lot. I find dogs much easier to deal with than many people.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I know that feeling Syd x
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