Right then . . . I'm getting sick of hearing myself saying the same thing here. No, really I am. I've spent some time writing Eliza's escape (part two) and worked my way through daily life, which is not to be underestimated, as any mother will know. I've cleaned out all the hamster tanks, caught up with the blogs on my list and found some time to comment. I've even passed a few evenings teaching Stropster some new tunes on the guitar . . . but I've avoided updating as I'm a bit fed up with myself .
Saturday was good; I was full of energy and enjoyed a manic house cleaning day, reminiscent of my manic cleaning days that used to occur, without fail, one day before my period.
Sunday, I was utterly exhausted . . . I packed Geeksters clothes ready for his holiday in Spain with the neighbours and had an early night.
Monday . . . after almost two years of menopausal symptoms, I started my period again! Just what I wanted. I feel heavy, tired and proper yuk . . . I know I said at one point that I would give anything to have my periods back . . . but one or the other . . . not both!! Along with the hormonal changes and mood swings that accompanied this sudden change, the permanent grey skies and pouring rain have driven me round the bend . . . Fortunately with Geekster away, Hamper G at school and Stropster at work, I have been able to rest for most of the week.
Might I just add here, along with this "menstrual surprise" I was even more surprised to feel the return of . . . yes! (drum roll) . . . my sexual appetite!! O Mon Dieu . . . let's hope that passes ;-)
No, these are not excuses. I no longer look for something or someone to blame. I've used for four days now and I'm pissed of with myself. Real pissed off. Yes, well, I know what I need to do then don't I? uh huh.
I sometimes wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Despite knowing how much better I feel and look after three or four clean days, not to mention the money saved towards our holiday (only 3 weeks away!) . . . I continue to take this well trodden road . . . like it might, all of a sudden, lead to somewhere new, somewhere good?! . . . I mean, bang, bang! (head against wall).
Then there's the tragic tale of Eva Rausing, and her husband; heir to the several billion pound Tetra-Pak fortune . . . Luxury homes all over the world, four beautiful children . . . everything she could ever want . . . plus a heroin/cocaine addiction. They've donated millions to addiction charities and I dare say they've tried every known, and unknown, "cure" or treatment for this disease . . . she died aged 48 at home in their £70 million Belgravia mansion . . . addiction does not discriminate.
So . . . I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to try again. My health has improved, I've lost another 2 kilos but will now have to rely on self-discipline (!), weights, skipping and working out, for the next six weeks as I won't have the obligatory four mile school run to motivate me.
I've almost finished part two of Eliza's escape, there might have to be a part three; it was a long journey . . . Meantime, I'll pick myself up and find my way through day one again . . . Only five more hours. Maybe, just maybe, this time, I'll stay on the right track and resist taking any familiar old side-tracks, they're all dead ends.
I have that manic clean the house the day before my period too!
ReplyDeleteI have missed you! I have been gone so much with work and right now I am staying at a home until next Monday night caring for a woman younger than you and I. It is peaceful here, a beautiful home, with a 900.00 coffee maker that I get to whip myself up a cup each morning with. (I checked on Amazon....I just had to know!)Its just she and I and we will have a lovely time together and I can check my email, write, read, do art work. My little one will core to stay for a couple days also because we miss each other!
All of that is to say that I can now get caught up on my blog reading. I also just got my period, almost immediately upon walking in the door here. It will be nice to be here to endure that time of my month rather than at home with all of my usual demands.
Back to YOU :o)....you know.... you just keep trying. have a daily reader that I am reading that is about over eating... and when I read it, I just think of my daughter and you and others and how much harder it is for you all then it is for me. But I think some of the same ideas work. saying no to ourselves, understanding that we aren't entitled to receive whatever we want. For me that spoke a lot about being humble...acknowledging that what I want may not be what is the best for me. That I need to grow up and make wise choices for the sake of my body and not just indulge my ever desire. I need balance of things I want, that bring me joy, and what is healthy and good for me.....and sometimes they all line up and are the same thing! Those are really great days! Bless your heart. I'm so glad you are still here reading and writing. I love hearing from you.
Hey Annette, what a lovely surprise to wake up to this morning, I've missed you too. I did see your new post last night briefly and I'll go back today to comment. I hope you're doing your homework! I'd never heard of a Mandala before.
DeleteI'm not sure if any addiction is harder than another really. Food and alcohol are everywhere and so acceptable, even encouraged and advertised! I often imagine how hard it would be if everyone around me was using (as in eating or drinking). I think you're spot on Annette, it's about learning to say "NO" to ourselves, to know what brings us joy and not giving in to the inner "wanting" child.
I've read the second half of your comment a few times over now and I can see myself reading it again before the day is over!
Enjoy your morning coffee, I did laugh at the Amazon check ;-), and some peaceful time with the lady you're caring for.
Thanks for being here Annette and for such wise advice, it's exactly what I need this morning. I'm off to do Stropsters packed lunch for work . . . Have a good day Annette, and thanks again, much love x
Hey Bugerlugs,
ReplyDeleteIn thinking about your post I was reminded of how I felt when I tried to quit smoking. I totally understand there is no real comparison but what is similar is that, like you, I kept reminding myself how much better I looked when I wasn't smoking, lol. Female vanity can really be a God send, don't you think? Anyway, you are a beautiful girl, (I use the term "girl" because you have such a youthful spirit about you...which I totally envy, by the way)you are intelligent, insightful, soulful and decent to your core. I don't know if it helps but I hope you can draw on those things as you fight the urge. You are too good of a person and too valuable to this world not to fight. So hang tough...this too shall pass.
Big hugs,
Summer
OK, I'm back from the school run, it's my last day in peace as the school closes tonight . . . So I'm gonna write all day, starting here. How nice to find all of these lovely comments this morning . . especially after facing all those "snotty" mothers at school . . . I would think 80% of them are addicted to something, but of course they don't see it that way.
DeleteAs I said to Annette (above) I'm not sure that any addiction is necessarily harder than another to break. My Mum stopped smoking for six weeks, then she began having one a day . . . now it's five a day. Although as I attempted to say last night (at your blog) Heroin robs us of ourselves, our strengths and almost blinds us to the damage. I have fortunately got to the point where I can do a few days clean and see it for what it is . . . but even so I still fall. Hopefully each clean time will get longer.
Your words mean a lot to me this morning Summer, all of these comments do, I am really so blessed. I'll be reading your comment more than once today.
Thanks for being here, Hugs and love to you x
You know the adages, it's progress not perfection and just take it one day at a time. You can do this Lovey, I know that you can. You have done so wonderfully well in the past and I know that you'll do well again. What I love the most about you is that you're honest with yourself and you have such an optimistic attitude! You always keep moving forward and that's how you're going to kick this thing, Lovey!! You rock - I'll miss you while I'm on vacay =)
ReplyDeleteLovey ;-)
DeleteI'm gonna miss you too, every time I see New York on tv now, I think of you. It must be nice, the feeling of anonimity in such a big city . . . rather than a small town where everyone knows ones (my!) business, and what they don't know, they invent ;-) . . . O I so won't miss that school playground for the next six weeks.
Thanks for your encouragement Lovey, it means a lot to me, it's so good to come here this morning (day 2!) and I'll be back here throughout the day for sure.
Have a wonderful time with friends and family in New York . . . photos please! Much love to you and yours x
Thank you, Lovey!! Good for you on your day 2 (almost three I think depending on the time across the pond); For me, owning each day was what it took. Even with the stupid hyper vigilance I succumbed to after Devin's disclosure day to me. I don't know if you were around then, I don't think so, but *gah* what a mess I was. I had to learn from addictive past to just stop and breath and take it each moment at a time, then each hour, then each day. So silly for an actual behavior I was doing instead of a drug, but...that's me LMAO!! =P
DeleteI will be sure to take pictures of the ocean, the city etc and share them. Yes, you know I enjoy my anonymity very, very much!!
Be well,lovey!!!
Hey girl...remember what I always tell you...that I'll be here to read, comment and support you as long as you keep trying. So just keep trying.
ReplyDeleteOh the number of time I tried to quit smoking before I was actually able to quit. And the number of times I did the same with my drinking. I think I finally was successful when the pain of failure became stronger than the pain of using. I just couldn't stand the feeling of failure anymore.
Your time will come my friend AS LONG AS YOU NEVER GIVE UP! And on your one year anniversary I may just jet across the pond to give you one of my famous hugs.
Now get back to writing...I can't wait for Eliza's next chapter!
Namaste girlfriend.
Sherry, I'm actually overwhelmed by all of the wonderful comments here this morning . . . I really am blessed.
DeleteI will never give up giving up that's for sure. I do want to be free from this addiction, and I will be.
So just for today (day 2) here we go again. And it's the last day of school; the last day that I can sit here in peace and quiet and write all day! . . . Bliss ;-)
Thanks for being here Sherry, take care with love x
Hi there - try not to beat yourself up so much - this isn't easy the fact you talk of someone dying as a result of this disease is testament to how difficult it is - she had as much money as you could to help and still didn't make it - but I know homeless bums who've kicked it all so recovery is not discriminate either.
ReplyDeleteStay strong and never give up giving up please
Hey, I like that Furtheron "Recovery is not discriminate either" . . . So many encouraging and helpful comments here this morning. I will be strong today and I will keep kicking that habit, until I've kicked it to death!
DeleteThanks for your support Furtheron, much appreciated. Take care x
Hope today is good - saw at Gleds place you said you're on day 2. Good for you. Day at a time and all that... keep trying it is the only way. Like I say is does not discriminate - why have I been lucky and got it? I have no idea, honestly I don't I just had had enough, I just wanted to not give in - was it easy - No - did it all get marvelous straight away - not a chance... I know many others who've bounced in and out for years, the good news is I know many of those that have made it in the end - normally they have little idea why it finally stuck when it did it just did. So don't give up on giving up because this time may be that one that lasts... :-)
DeleteHave you thought about keeping the walk to school going? Sometimes, when routine changes, it can be harder to manage situations espcially the unpredicatable.
ReplyDeletePerhaps periods coming back, is an incentive to keep kicking the habbit. I am unsure of your age, but if they resume, the menopause stuff my lessen. However, if you are of menopause age but have just had a period, perhaps it would be a good idea to get a check up with your doc.
Dont put too much stress on yourself to get through Elizas escape. Take a break, let it come naturally. Perhaps even expressing parts in differnt ways such as drawing.
This is going to sound really lame, I know it will, I laughed at my doc when they suggested it. But, find a hobby. something that makes you happy and try to do some every day. It helps, it really does. Its an escape and another way to occupy your mind when times are tough.
Keep up the fight, it will be worth it.
Kim
Hi Kim,
DeleteThanks for taking the time to comment, I know you have more than enough to deal with at the moment.
I think I've found a way of walking my four miles. The problem was that walking with Hamper G (age5) wouldn't be my usual "power walk", more of an amble . . . But I've promised to teach her to ride her bike without stabilisers during the school hols. That will involve lots of walking . . . even running once she gets the hang of it.
You're right about the hobby, it's not a lame suggestion, I'll get back to playing the piano . . . again!
I'm 49 and after checking on line, I've found out this is normal and could keep happening for quite a few years . . . O joy!
I hope you're feeling better Kim, I really do. Thanks for your encouragement, take care x
Do you have access to a bike? Once she is going with riding, it might be fun to ride together.
DeleteGood luck and keep fighting.
I'll let you into a secret here . . . I never learned to ride a bike! Yes, really.
DeleteMy periods quit when I was 26 then started up again when my daughter got her's 10 years later. I've been regular for 17 years but lately, it's starting to get wobbly. I don't have any manic period - I just go crazy.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you've messed up. I get so frustrated with myself too. I don't know how to fix me either. I know you don't want to excuse yourself but being blindsided by hormones can make us do all kinds of things we never meant to. I know you can start again.
Hi Jeannie . . . Yes I went a bit crazy, as well as the manic cleaning . . . manic laughter, quick to snap! O dear. I think I'm back on an even (ish) keel now. I've got the tweezers ready! and hair dye so I must be feeling a bit better. I will start again, just for today, I can do this. I will do this.
DeleteThanks Jeannie, much love x
How I have missed you in my absence from the blogosphere. And now I return to find you beating yourself up again. Yes you have slipped - it means you are human. And the reason to stop? You said it for yourself - you look and feel better. And you have money.
ReplyDeleteSending so much care and concern your way. Gentle cyber hugs too.
O How happy am I to see you back (clapping and laughing here) . . . I've really missed you! I did pop by briefly yesterday and was so pleased to read that SP had eaten successfully. I hope all of this is soon over for you both.
DeleteO trust me to be beating myself again for your return! round and round in circles I go . . . although I think there might be two new episodes in the "Higgins and Eliza" story in your absence . . . a different sort of beating ;-)
So glad to see you back again, thinking of you both. Hugs and love x
Hey,
ReplyDeletei know what you mean about going down that road and thinking it might lead somewhere new!
I'm really annoyed with myself for using recently. I really struggle with guilt (it's such an overwhelmingly powerful emotion) and sometimes feel crippled by it. Most of it does come from feeling that i'm a rubbish mum and i'm not doing it 'right'. Do you ever struggle with feeling guilty after using and do you think thats to do with being a parent also (sorry, you don't have to answer that, know it's really personal but i don't often get to speak to many parents that struggle with addiction).
i'm glad your health had improved and hope you get the motivation you need!
yas xx
Hi Yas, I don't mind answering any questions . . . I try not to feel guilt too much (yet) as I have no way of dealing with it, other than numbing it again. I do feel guilty for the past when I was with my ex and my habit was raging but I have to try and let go of that and move on.
DeleteI don't usually feel guilty when I use these days, as it's only ever one bag, usually at around 9 or 10 pm . . . maybe I should feel guilty and maybe it's the gear that kills the guilt. I destroy my own peace and joy by using, and I suppose that does, to some extent, have an effect on the kids. I have known "bad" mothers on gear . . . and "bad" mothers not on gear.
Also I still have methadone, which numbs feelings somewhat.
I think the only way for me to deal with all of this will be to get clean (from gear and methadone) and work the 12 step programme. Unfortunately, my local N/A is too small and I wouldn't find a suitable sponsor there. However, once Hamper G is back to school in September, I'll be going to a much larger city N/A.
For what it's worth, I think there are very few, if any, mothers who feel they did it "right" . . . If ever you want to ask anything Yas, feel free. Or even e-mail if you don't want to write here. I do understand and I know most parents who are addicts are very secretive and fearful about it so it's hard to find other mothers who will speak openly about such things.
As we both know, the happier we are, the happier our children are . . . Try not to be too hard on yourself (says she ;-) and I hope that you too get the motivation you need. Take care Yas and thanks for reading and commenting here x x
Just sending love xxxx
ReplyDeleteThanks Mrs D, I loved your recent post. I feel like that some days . . . moan, moan . . O no, I've done it again! Ah well, half way through day 2. Love to you too x x
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOh my friend, I have so much faith in you overcoming walking down the path that leads nowhere. The best thing to do is think, Ok, I used, but that was this past week and a new week is coming. The relapses get farther and farther apart, I swear. I am speaking from personal experience. Sometimes when I would get lonely I would pick up the phone and call an old friend, ahem. Than the next day I would kick my self. You are so much stronger than a little bag of powder. One trick is to keep virtually no cash on hand. I always deposit all my money in the bank and leave maybe $5 out. It gives you more time to think. I am in your corner and am rooting for you. Just make a goal each day you wake up not to use. You are in my prayers. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteLori, for some reason my reply to your comment is below Gledwood's comment . . . bizarre x
DeleteHmmm they don't call periods "the curse" for nothing...
ReplyDeleteI posted up some of the Eva and Hans Rausing pictures they tell the tale so vividly no captions were needed.
BTW do you mind my asking what church did your parents go to? Was it a "cult"?
Gledwood, I can cope with periods . . . or just about cope with the menopause, but both!? well that just takes the piss!
DeleteYes, I saw the pictures yesterday when I googled Eva Hausing, they made me cry . . . And again today :-(
I don't mind anyone asking me anything . . . they were in the Salvation Army until I was seven and then a new "charismatic evangelic movement" started up in the 70's . . . and the meeting place for the one in our city was our house!
After my parents split, I went to live in a commune with Dad, pretty much of the same "denomination". It was certainly viewed by outsiders as a "cult" . . . but the insiders would disagree. I'm not sure on the definition of a cult really. Some say Jehovah Witnesses belong to a cult . . . I might go and check the definition.
Hope all is good with you x
Nearly every cult denies being a cult. That should be part of the definition!
Deletea. A religion or religious sect generally considered to be extremist or false, with its followers often living in an unconventional manner under the guidance of an authoritarian, charismatic leader.
DeleteIn this case, yes it was; extremist, living in an unconventional manner, under the guidance of charismatic leader . . . most definitely!
Hi Lori,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this, your personal experience is worth so much to me, as it was the same drug and you beat it . . . and you're also a mother. You're the only mother I "know" who has beat this addiction. I'm pleased you wrote this as I always imagine other people find recovery and don't keep relapsing like me.
I will keep trying for sure . . . that's day two almost over. Thanks for being here Lori x x
Hello ! I've been reading your blog for awhile now but as a very shy private person haven't commented till now. Out of all the blogs I read I have always felt closest to you as I am also a mother of three and dealing with addition issues of my own. One thing I find hardest to deal with at the moment is the fact I'm on a horrible shift (midnights) at a job I dislike ( plastic factory ) and although I know that it no excuse what so ever I can't help but seem to use on weekends as my reword for another week gotten through. Ugh sounds horrible just typing that! I know you are a very strong woman and I think the key is to just keep on keeping on, don't let that one day or one week or however long slip keep you from starting over. you got to stand back up and brush yourself off and continue on for how ever long it takes. as long as you still try after a slip up, well really that's all that matters!
ReplyDeleteI've wanted to ask you about your school holidays over there. You only get six weeks off for summer? seems so odd compared to America, my kids have been out of school since the first part of june and don't return till september! allthough as any teacher will tell you it wreaks havoc on learning. the whole first month back is spent on review as most students forget lots over summer break.
Hi Jade,
DeleteThanks for commenting . . . yep I'll keep trying, no doubt about that. I do sometimes wonder what might change to make me say "No" with a bit more conviction . . . Time will tell.
How do you manage working nights with three kids, or maybe they're old enough to be left, just curious, not nosey ;-)
Yeah we get six weeks "summer" hols, that can feel like a life time, especailly when it has rained everyday for two months and the rain is forecast to continue until September :-( . . . BooHoo! Not good. We're booked to go camping in three weeks, I can't imagine what fun that'll be in this weather. O well, I'll be posting photos up for a laugh!
Nice to hear from you Jade. I can totally understand the reward aspect of using on a weekend. If I felt that I had enough control to use once a week, I think I could probably live with that . . . But it always, always ends up getting the better of me and one day leads to two, leads to three . . . I have no control.
Take care Jade, thanks for being here x
I have been hesitating about writing this... My late mother in law was Swedish, and I often used to accompany her to big Swedish events in London. At one St Lucia celebration at Westminster cathedral I met the Rausings; both the parents (who were friends of my MIL), and the son and Eva. The parents were charming, down-to-earth, people, but the son and Eva were obviously 'troubled'. Money doesn't defend us from life's evils; it just makes them more easily available.
ReplyDeleteStay strong. You owe it to YOURSELF. Bisou, Cro.
Oh Cro, I realy appreciate you sharing this . . . I keep looking back at the photographs of them both in happier times . . . and then more recently. I find them so so sad and moving. I don't know why, as I've seen many people deteriorate over the years, and even die. I suppose I like to imagine (wrongly) that love, money or something out there would make it easier . . . but as you say, it doesn't. The answer is within.
DeleteThanks for your encouragement Cro, it means a lot to me x
thanks would love to e-mail you if ok? whats the address? xx
ReplyDeleteHi Yas, sure that's ok. its bugerlugs63@yahoo.co.uk
DeleteHope you're well x
sorry, it' yas btw...
ReplyDeleteHi :)
ReplyDeleteI'm reading along and, thinking about you.
Hi Barbara, I'm pleased to know you're still here, thinking of you too . . . hoping your getting some peace . . . and love! x x x
ReplyDeleteWow, lot of comments to skim through here. I have been away, would you believe in Tahiti!! I won a trip for two through the local paper, and took my lovely daughter. So just expect good things to happen to you and they will Good karma attracts good things.
ReplyDeleteI will never judge your using, life is f...ing hard sometimes, so long as you are still on the 'journey' of giving up you will reach the destination one day.
And no-one has commented on your sex-drive coming in, so let me be the 1st, as one 49yr. old pre-menopausal woman to another! Get yourself a good vibrator and some lube. I just took control of that aspect of my life cos I couldn't see myself nabbing a man any time soon, and just could not live without some sort of release! (If you know what I mean). And wouldn't you know it a man has happened along! And the sex is great, which took me quite by surprise, but the emotional crap that goes along with it can be hard to handle too. I guess I am just trying to say, take control over those aspects of your life that you can control, and you never know what can be just around the corner. Maybe even a trip to Tahiti or a hot new relationship.
Love as always from across the miles. Kiwigirlxxx
P.S. Hope no-one is offended or disgusted at the thought of middle-age sex!!
Hey Kiwigirl! What a lovely surprise this morning :-)
DeleteWow, now that's a trip worth winning, Tahiti just sounds so exotic. It's so true that good stuff happens when we stay on the right path.
I'm loving your advice . . . I hadn't noticed no one had mentioned it! I certainly couldn't handle the emotional crap that comes with a relationship at the moment . . . So I'll dig out my rechargeable batteries ;-)
Hamper has learnt some awful behaviour at school, I'll write a bit about it in my next post as I value your opinion and advice on these things. I'm hoping during the six weeks hols she will revert back to the old Hamper G . . . I'm not sure how likely that is though.
So good to hear all is going well for you Kiwigirl. Just for today I will change those things that I can.
Much love to you too, enjoy! x x x
I've had a dickens of a time commenting here..let me give it another go.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I have nothing to add to the subject of periods...lol
Secondly, I found your last post amazing/honest/scary. I hung with some very scary people in my youth also, and still amazed I'm alive to tell about it.
Thirdly, Lori is right of course. You are aware of using these days, not just using habitually or because of dope sickness. That's key. You aren't making excuses. Another great sign. You realize what a waste of money it is--ugg, when I think what my son has spent!! Most importantly (for me) you don't defend using or make it sound glamorous or "normal" like some blogs do. Seems to me some users doth protest too much about what a wonderful life it is.
The decade of my 50's was the decade of "me". Finding peace, spirituality, happiness, self acceptance. This is YOUR time, bugs.
Hey Lou, what a wonderful surprise this morning! I did some sit ups yesterday and thought of you. Almost all of my "belly" fat has gone . . . just needs some toning now.
DeleteI also feel like I'm getting somewhere with this addiction. I see and feel so many benefits from clean time. I estimated that I'd spent £90,000 on that crap, and that was three years ago, it's sickening and sad; nothing normal or glamorous about it.
I am actually looking forward to my 50's and working towards being in a good place both physically and mentally. As always, you're an inspiration Lou, thanks for being here x
I didnt have a period since I was 14 my mom said I will be better off but I am not so sure about that.I rather have nature take its course and be able to feel all these feelings you decsribing.
ReplyDeleteHi Bev, I can understand that. Although periods can be a damn nuisance, it is, as you say, best to leave things as they should be. When I was taking way too many drugs my periods stopped and it felt strange to not have that cycle. Take care Bev, you were so kind to Gledwood yesterday, bless you x
DeleteYou can quit the stuff, Bugs. I really know that you want to. Thinking of you.
ReplyDelete