Today's been good. I saw my "drugs worker", got my methadone reduced to 50ml, told her my N/A news and then went to the park with Hamper G. All good, normal stuff.
I've had no desire to use today . . . quite the opposite. I did my weights, increased my skipping, decreased my fat and sugar intake . . . I could be hungry but I can usually cope with that. Maybe I'll go and get a healthy snack and try again. Then I can rule that one out.
Hamper G was using the webcam in the kitchen a few days ago to "film" herself
That's OK, I've recovered from the initial shock and I'm dealing with it. I'm dealing with a lot these days. Maybe I'm just tired. That would explain . . . I was going to say my irritability . . . but I feel a bit calmer now.
I'm gonna write my N/A post in the morning . . . I know I said that last night but it was such a lovely, warming experience of truth and hope . . . I don't feel that I could do it justice whilst I'm tired and ratty, albeit a bit less ratty than when I started. So that's good.
I've just gottta say, before I go, that I'm proper blessed to have you all on board. I never imagined when I started this blog that I'd feel so much trust and understanding from and towards people that I'd never met. Amazing. Now I'm off to bed before that sodding hamster wakes up and gets me running around for his amusement. No chance.
I knew I should've left the editing . . . guess who just darted across the room? And we're not talking a normal "scurrying" type of hamster here . . . They're Roborovski dwarf hamsters, renowned for their speed . . . Hey, he'll slow down when he gets hungry ;-) Goodnight x
I almost deleted the first paragraph then, as I feel much calmer now. But that's progress so I'll leave it. Or maybe it was hunger and the grapes helped.
Just popping by and checking on you. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteAh Bless you Lovey! I hope you get a break from those dreadful migraines soon, or the meds to fix them. Reading your post made me grateful for our free health system, which we love to moan about.
DeleteAnd I'm so glad you got to enjoy the Mall with Peanut . . . I read it after this post last night (2am!)I didn't dare start to comment or it would've been 3am.
Take Care Lovey x
I think there are two great things about blogging through recovery. 1) definitely the community that builds up, I had no idea that was going to happen and I rely on the lovely supportive and understanding comments I get on my blog. It's freaking awesome! and 2) putting our thoughts and feelings down into words is incredibly powerful and cathartic and helps with clarity of thought. I know thinking about what I'm going to write and then writing, and the words lingering with me afterwards helps me to feel stronger and more in control. You're doing great xxx
ReplyDeleteMrs D,
DeleteYes it helps to think it all through enough to put in into words . . . I'm still trying to write (on and off) about how and why I relapsed. I realise I won't ever fully understand those compulsions but to try and work through the thought processes that lead me to that road is a start.
And, as you rightly say, the supoport is "freaking awesome" ;-) Thanks Mrs D have a good'un x
You good girl! Now my son is a serious a gym buff and competitive power-lifter, and obsessed with his diet and weight etc. And I know he would say to you, (as he does to me all the time). "Drink more water, even if you are not thirsty." That could help with irritability, he thinks most 'normal' people go through life mildly dehydrated which affects your mood, tiredness, ability to think straight, etc....
ReplyDeleteAnd I can relate to your shock and surprise at seeing your own image. I just had a new passport photo taken, and I thought it was some old ladies mug-shot from police 10/7. Luckily my daughter cheered me up by reassuring me that I don't look like that in real life, cos my face moves around!!! Great better not ever be caught staring into space then!
Kiwigirl.
Kiwigirl . . .
DeleteNow funny you should say that. Until a month ago I never drank water (other than in coffee!) . . . Then I discovered Volvic (with a touch of strawberry or lemon etc) and drank 3 litres a day . . . THEN I discovered each bottle has 18 cubes of sugar in it!! Shit no wonder I couldn't shift the weight. So now it's plain volvic. I think your son might be right.
My recent ID card (for prison visits) is just awful . . . But nobody has questioned whether its me or not. Hmmmmmm. Must be me then. Love and hugs x
Ditto on the water. Plain water. Put a slice lemon or lime in it if you want. Four liters a day (is that 64 oz?) When you first start you have to pee all the time, but your body gets used to it after a few days.
ReplyDeleteLou, I did notice that. The first week I thought I'd never get anything done . . . "Just gotta nip off for a pee" but as you say I'm getting used to it.
DeleteMy skipping is now (30 "slow skips" (10 secs breather) 30 "fast skips" (feet together) . . . 20 secs breather) x 3. I'm sure the "breathers" will decrease and the "x 3" will increase . . . I always end up with the rhyme "hey ho skip to me Lou" going round in my head ;-)
ps. 4 litres!? WoW
Deleteyour rope routine is PERFECT (and I love your mantra!)
DeletePS it's not about being thin.. it's about being healthy. If you don't respect yourself on the inside, no amount of work on the outside will make a difference.
your USA Mum..;)
Oh I hate seeing myself in windows and mirrors when I don't expect it. And yes, I have been known to check if other reflections are equally damning and they are not. sigh. But you are doing something about it which is excellent. If the grapes helped, you may have had low blood sugar - vitamin B6 helps regulate that so you don't crash. It works. I turn into a crazed lunatic who will eat anything and may even cry if my blood sugar gets low. The B6 will help your body pull energy from fat stores rather than push you to crave carbs to get the sugar up.
ReplyDeleteHi Jeannie . . . My body probably thinks it has low blood sugar, after years of snacking on choc bars, flapjack anything sweet and now . . . None!
DeleteIt's no doubt screaming for some. B6 sounds good. I'm using a multi-vitamin "Berroca" at the minute, I'll check to see if it contains B6.
Thanks for the advice x
Congratulations on going to NA where as they say "it works if you work it". NB that to NA, "clean" means on no drugs at all, including alcohol. You know that irritability sounds like one of your recurring moods. I get irritable whether I'm on a high or in a low. BTW you sound to me like you have cyclothymia ~ that is a mild form of bipolar that is constantly cycling... have a look online and see whether that sounds like you...
ReplyDeleteHi Gledwood . . . I keep checking to see if you've posted but no. Hope things are good for you. I know you weren't too keen on N/A, but I expect they vary.
DeleteYes I'm aware of the no alcohol/spliff thing which I can understand, as it all numbs those feelings that need dealing with.
I was an alcoholic pre-gear so I wouldn't go near that . . . and Spliff makes me paranoid so I am, for the first time in 34 years . . . CLEAN! (reducing the methadone). I appreciate your diagnosis (?) ;-) but I won't check it out . . . as I'll probably think I've got it if I do.
I think I've "just" got the return of so many feelings that it sometimes causes moments of anxiety/irritability, after 34 years of numbing them . . . Also the after effects of so much alcohol/drugs.
But I'm gonna work this! physically and spiritually . . . I will be whole :-)
So pleased to hear from you, gotta nip Bro's for coffee as he's off on holiday for a week. Hope you post soon and let us know how things are. Take good care. With love, as always x in my thoughts and prayers x
Dear Bugs (I like that name), you are doing well. Every day has some ups and downs but you are recognizing them. Exercise definitely helps. I'm off to work out in a few minutes. Stay the course with recovery and your exercise. It does work wonders for the spirit, mind and body.
ReplyDeleteHey Syd . . . Yes Bugs is fine by me. Hope you enjoyed your work out. It helps me on a few levels, not least being the discipline involved in "making" myself do something that I don't really want to. I'm always pleased that I did it once I get started . . . Even more so once I get finished.
DeleteI Just had a text from "the chairperson" at our local N/A inviting me to an out of town meet tonight . . . Unfortunately I can't go but it's nice to be invited and encouraged. I'm feeling the benefits already. Thanks for your encouragement too.
Thanks for sharing your journey with all of us. You are jumping rope?! Is that what "skipping" is? lol Oh my gosh...maybe I will have to try that. Lots of jarring motion though. lol I don't know if I can handle it. I put lemon in my water...its a natural diuretic. :o) And I chew gum a lot. But I am planning on writing a post about the past couple days...not easy and I have "cheated" a few times. Just an extra bite here and there, but its still not what I want to do.
ReplyDeleteAnnette,
DeleteYes that's it, jumping rope. Weights are ok for building strength and muscle, but as Lou and others have pointed out to me/us, that will not shift the fat round the middle . . . Now I've been told that sex is very good for this area but I personally can't be doing with the complications that would come with the sex ;-)
The next best thing is, well any sort of jumping up and down motion. So skipping/jumping rope will do me... and I have a very healthy relationship with my skipping rope.
I know how tempting it can be to "cheat" where food is concerned, it's in the house all of the time . . . And with kids about there are lots of tempting naughty things. . . It will help to write (and publish :-) the post. We both have so much wonderful support.
You know that it's not what you want to do and you will control the urges with time and learning. As with any addiction . . . Baby steps. Just for today. Hugs and love to you Annette xxx
Weights do build strength and muscle, but they are also good for shifting fat! My son is a lean, mean muscle machine, but you gotta work on your 'core strength' include, squats, dead-lift, and bench-press in your weight routine if possible. Weight-lifters call these the essential three core strength exercises. He does do some cardio too, mainly cycle work, rowing machine and sprinting. Also it is sugar and carbs. (not fat) that is the enemy!Sugar is the greatest addiction of them all. Hey, I can talk the talk, but just don't do anything about it.
ReplyDeleteHope this helps. Kiwigirl
Kiwigirl,
DeleteI can feel that I'm addicted to sugar now I've stopped it. Every 20 minutes or so I think . . hmmmm what is it I want? Like there's a little niggling craving going on (not THE usual one) and then I realise I "want" something sweet. Well I can sod off with my "wants" and get over it ;-)
I think the article I read was referring to only the fat around the middle . . . I'll check. Wow there's so much to learn now I've woke up! Yes, it all helps, Thanks x
I know what you mean about this community of bloggers...I had no idea how important they would become to me and how much I would grow to care about each of them...including you! I'm so happy that you're back on track. You are sooo worth the effort!
ReplyDeleteSherry,
DeleteO I'm racing round that track now! Just got up and having coffee and this is the first place I come every day to get my dose of "friendship" . . . If ever my laptop went wrong I'd . . . ??? Well I'd be frantic. Thanks for being my first friend today :-) love and hugs x
Bloggers rock. I had no idea that I would find support, affirmation, love dammit, from people I have never met and probably will never meet. It is quite amazing.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you are ratty - feel free to post ratty and irritable. I am pretty certain we are all human here and have been there ourselves. And besides, my ratty is rattier than yours. So there.
Hugs from afar.
Hey you!
DeleteI'm coming round to yours in a minute to vote . . . get the kettle on! (no sugar) I'm right pleased for you. Has SP planted those bulbs yet? He puts me in mind of my Mum's husband . . . he goes to the Drs re knee replacement (claiming to be in agony) then spends the rest of the day, on his knees (!) in the garden . . . Men eh? But it must be such a load off your mind to see him improving. Huge hugs and love x
Restless Irritable and Discontent - one of the AA things I heard a lot when new around... probably said as much but I don't have to tune in to it so much...
ReplyDeleteAlso - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired - all triggers for the RID to come back as well...
Good stuff on the NA front
Furtheron,
DeleteYes I can see how one might cause the other. I need to change my "lonely" to "alone" as I never get lonely (time alone is rare and I enjoy it) . . . Having said that, It's true that "The Druggie" within (I'm still thinking up a name) always starts her chat when I'm alone, tired, hungry or angry. And boy can she chat! all bollox of course but I'm learning to shut her up . . . Or just not listen if she don't shut up.
Thanks for a good bit of advice there Furtheron and thanks for reading.
the not to listen is the trick - in rehab they spotted that one in me and we did some work on it... I have to just say Thank You to it and move on... it comes back... Thank You... move on... in time it does get better honest
Delete