Telling it how it is?

Okee Dokee . . .

I tried hard to write a lighthearted post last night about the tale of the hamster "White boy" . . .
I will finish it another day when I'm not so distracted. I've done much thinking since my second N/A meeting on Wednesday. You know, the one I was looking forward to? Should this not be a happy time?
There were four other addicts at this second meeting, three at the first. They all have between Three and Eight years clean. Two of them are clean from heroin, both male. One "leads" the meeting.

They'd each shared their "stories" over the two weeks, and it was obvious they were waiting for me to say something . . . "Anyone else in the room like to tell us how their week has been?"

OK . . . I'm not very good at talking in front of strangers, but I wanted some advice about how to cope if I found myself in another "Tuesday night" scenario, so I shared. I couldn't tell them my whole story as there were only five minutes left of the meeting. I said that I'd drank or drugged for 34 years, that I'd managed to do a significant amount of time clean since February 9th with the occasional one bag relapse . . . usually to try and kill some emotional pain. I told them that this week I had done six days clean and messed up on the 7th. I explained what had happened on the Tuesday night as written in WaW post. I'll talk to you after the meeting says "leader".
As we waited for the others to leave, the other ex heroin user said to me, in front of  "leader"
"Don't take it all on board . . . He's fucking hard-core. Take what you want and leave the rest" Ok, warning heeded.

Well that's all very well if you can leave the bits you don't want . . . but what if they stick in your head, playing over and over again. Because that's what happened. Among the words that stuck were these . . .

"So why do you expect your family to be interested or happy about this . . . They've watched you doing this for thirty-four years . . . why should they believe this is happening now?"
"You need to get off your fucking pity pot"
"Selfish little cow"
"You've hurt your parents badly . . . and now you want their approval. After all you've put them through" !?!

What??  The??  I was literally gob-smacked. I said nothing.
I went home, I cried, I got angry, NO, I didn't use. I've been miserable and distracted ever since. I've done a lot of thinking.

I'm prepared to admit every single awful, hurtful thing I have done in my past. I have messed up. The worst thing I have to live with is giving birth to a heroin addict. A beautiful perfect innocent baby girl, craving that crap within hours of leaving my wretched contaminated womb. I know, I hate me too. That's about as painful as my guilt gets. For fucks sake if I can admit that, I can admit anything.
I'm not, however prepared to admit to things I haven't done. I can face the truth head on and I have no fear of anyone telling me it how it is. How it is. Not how they imagine it might have been. I am not self-pitying. That is not in my nature. No-one has to believe me. God knows my heart. I have nothing to pity myself about. And much to be grateful for.

My family have not lived through repeated failed attempts to get me clean. I had one serious go at it eight years ago when my brother got clean. This is my second attempt and they all know this is as real as it gets.
I have never stolen from them or lied to them. I had no reason to. I'm not in denial about this . . . it simply never happened.
For the first nine years of my heroin addiction my Mum was in Cyprus and my Dad lives in North Wales. Mum came back to England about four years ago,shortly after my brother got married. In the last two years I have very occasionally borrowed ten pounds from Mum for gear, I've told her it was for gear and paid her back. No-one other than me or my partners has paid for my gear. I'm not in denial.

I will go back to N/A, I know it works if you work it, I will work it. I'm NOT criticising N/A here.
I just wish he'd found out a bit more about me before dishing out this "advice".
His advice for the next time I get a"Tuesday night" scenario . . .  Pick up the phone and call him. (?)

He doesn't know the pain that drove me to drink and drugs thirty-four years ago . . . No, I don't want pity. I'm simply saying that when dealing with someone who has managed six, ten or even sixty days with a clear head, for the first time in their (so called) "adult" life, maybe they could tread a little more carefully. I am sensitive and very emotional at the minute, they would know that. Should know that.

OK. That's all. My first two meetings. Things can only get better?