Tuesday 9 October 2012

Come what may, I'm posting today!

Sometimes I struggle to find any quiet in my day. My head's spinning with it . . . Stropster playing his guitar, Hamper G "talking" to Galah, her imaginary friend, on the phone, I keep putting off writing until it's the right time, or a better time, and it just never is.

Last week was hectic with appointments, assessments, shopping or some such thing every morning, which meant I didn't return home in the morning after the school walk until lunch time. Stropster comes home for lunch, which then leaves me a couple of hours to do the "keeping my head above water" chores and it's school time again . . . then cooking and washing blah di blah. Hamper G is sometimes so tired from school that she needs a nap at four whilst I'm cooking, all good, but after a nap and her dinner she is full of energy again until half nine, ten . . . half ten? and on and on we go . . .

Anyway that wasn't the case today (written on Monday). I had no appointments and came straight home from school at 9.30 am, it was dark and grey and raining. I curled up in my chair with a blanket and slept through until it was almost time to go to school again. I did feel a slight twinge of guilt at wasting the day, but I also felt a bigger twinge of I must have needed the sleep. So I kind of wasted my "quiet alone time" instead of appreciating it . . . I probably didn't waste it, I made the most of it by sleeping, but you know what mean. O well. It's sodding noisy now that's all I know.

Right that's my griping over with and it's two hours later now and quiet. I might have some more griping to do, I'm not sure, yet.

Stropster passed his driving theory test today so he's buzzing and he can put in for the practical test next . . . He also got a wage rise so all is good in his world and despite my moaning about him playing the guitar he's progressing well and I do normally enjoy listening to him play . . . just not tonight.

Geekster is in France with his Dad. His Dad lives here locally but he bought a real nice farmhouse in France during our last attempt at a relationship. There was talk of us living there and it is a beautiful place . . . but there you go. A beautiful house doth not a relationship make.

I went to the city N/A last Wednesday, there were three men there. It felt slightly awkward for some reason but I think I'll try it again. They were all rather keen to suggest other larger meetings to me but they're all evening meetings and I can't get over to the city of an evening . . .

I had what I thought was a mental health assessment this week, but it wasn't, it was an assessment for CBT (cognitive behaviour Therapy) re the phobia . . . so after an hour of interview, I realised I'd told them all sorts of irrelevant information as I wasn't aware that the interview was only phobia related, until the end! . . .  I'll be hearing from them soon. The full mental health assessment to decide where we go with treatment and medication is not until next month. Until then, my GP has doubled my dose of Prozac. I said I didn't feel much different apart from complacent and unmotivated . . . she said this wouldn't be the pills, they should make me feel motivated . . . we shall see!

I still feel very stuck in this addiction. I did have another of those lucid frightening reality moments at 3.15 this morning. I sat up in bed full of fear and terror, wandering how the hell things had gotten back here again? . . . and how it must stop, and it will stop, and how will it stop? and when will it stop? My heart was racing and I couldn't settle again for some time. It was possibly only 15 minutes but it felt like hours. I don't know, I really don't. And now Hamper G's Dad has just called from prison and I ignored the phone . . . five times. Sometimes I can't do phone calls, sometimes I can't do jovial . . . or even normal.

Well a right misery post this is turning out to be, I knew it would, which is why I've been waiting, hoping I would lighten up a bit . . but No.

I mean, throughout the day with all of it's distractions all is well. On our way back from school this afternoon we collected a selection of amazing Autumn leaves and made a tree collage to send to Hamper G's Dad and another one to send to my Dad. We had a good time reading Hamper G's reader book from school, she's doing very well and loves the feeling of learning and achieving but when it's just me in my own head, which it is here, then I really get to wandering . . .

I do wonder if  I'll ever be that healthy, free, creative version of me that I should be, living life to it's, and my, full potential. I know it's all down to me to make that happen, and I can perfectly imagine how it would be, it's not too far fetched or ridiculous. It doesn't rely on any big money or anything other than what I have really. It's do-able. So why the hell don't I get on and do it, make it happen?

(Tuesday morning)
I would say sorry for such a miserable post, but I wont because, really, I'm not. I mean, I'm a tad pissed off that I still feel like this but I don't feel there's much point in apologising for myself.
I do, however, hope that my next post is slightly more cheerful . . . I think I've been saying this for a while.

I will reply to the comments on my previous post, I almost did this morning and then decided I should post this first. So I will, right now. I'm not going to edit or dwell on making this readable. I will post and move on.

Before I do, I will thank every person who is reading here. Whether you've been here for the whole year or just a day, thankyou. With love, as always x x x


188 comments:

  1. Why apologize? I never do - oh wait, yes I do =P I think it's vital for you to be able to look back at your journey later on in your recovery and see how you've progressed. Life is not always sunshine and rainbows, especially a life of addiction. If it were, I have a feeling we wouldn't be addicts in the first place...just a hunch. I'm glad you posted. Be well Lovey!!! Much love and hugs!!! xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lovey! I just get so fed up of hearing myself saying the same thing over and over . . . But I will keep on posting and hopefully one day something will change. I know it's me that needs to make the changes but I just don't have the . . . (???) whatever it takes to make the changes . . . Courage? strength? wisdom? F**k knows?
      Ah well.
      Much love sent to you too x x

      Delete
  2. You are doing ok. Somedays are full of wonder and other's are well, not so full. The fact that you get up each day and are dealing with raising children is a testament to itself. Everything in life is do-able. We just have to keep trying. The fact that you keep all your appointments and run errands is proof alone that you are trying to make your life better. Stay warm and out of the rain...xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lori, Yes I just about manage to "function" as an addict . . . to keep up with all the day to day chores, appointments etc, but I know there's more . . . things that are good for my soul, music and art, the stuff that seems to get elbowed aside by addiction . . . And every new day when I have the chance to start again and make the choice . . . I choose that shit again. I really don't know why.
      Thanks for being here Lori, love sent to you x x x

      Delete
  3. I am so glad to hear from you! No apologies....you needed to get it all out. Good for you. Keep writing my dear. You are missed when you aren't around for a few days.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Annette, I will keep writing, even if it's the same thing over and over (which it feels like at the moment).
      I'm sorry I've not commented on the last couple of posts; I'm just about getting time to read them before I'm needed elsewhere. I'm so pleased that your daughter has gone to detox and the "woman on the phone" had a change of heart ;-)
      Thinking often of you both, with love x x x

      Delete
  4. I just like it when you write. Part of it's selfish - that way I know you're still out there and okay and part of it is that I know how much just writing shit down can do for you. Sometimes you just have to get it out of your head on on to paper.

    So write your little face off and never apologize for being exactly who you are. You are perfect.

    Sherry

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah Thanks Sherry, I will keep on writing, for sure, I only wish I had more time to write . . . although sometimes I do feel like a stuck record, especially at the moment. But, I remain hopeful and who knows, maybe one day through writing, something will change like it did in February . . . I know that all it took was one clean day last time to start the ball rolling. I just can't, for the life of me, see why I can't, or won't, make that one day happen . . . yet!
      I certainly won't give up trying. Thanks for being here, love sent to you Sherry x

      Delete
  5. I really, really feel for you going through these struggles, and have no idea of how or why your addiction has pulled you back in. I have never really had any experience with addictions apart from cigarettes and it was just sheer will-power and being emotionally 'ready' to let go of those wee coffin nails that eventually lead to my success in giving them up (after numerous attempts).
    Of course it can be done, other people do it and so have you, just keep on trying!
    On a positive note, I turned 50 last week, and realised I have never felt happier or more settled in my life! So middle age is not the end of your life all you baby-boomers out there! And I hope and pray you find whatever it takes to bring true contentment and happiness in your life.
    Kia Kaha from your kiwi friend, Laura

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Laura, I wish I knew how or why I got back here again. I had no idea that things would go so badly backwards, after so much progress . . . it makes no sense to me at all. I can't even think what the missing ingredient might be, let alone find it. The determination or strength or whatever it was that pulled me through those clean days, just seems to have evaporated. Or seems to be in a part of my mind that I just can't reach . . . But I'll keep trying and thinking through this until something changes.
      Happy (belated) 50th Laura!! I heard on tv the other day that the new middle age is 55, so we're not even middle aged yet! how about that. And I should imagine you're feeling younger by the day ;-) I hope your few days away together went well.
      Thanks for being here Laura, I'm still hoping to get there one day. Like you say, it can be done and it will be done. Sending you love x x x

      Delete
  6. You must have needed the sleep.Some times where all motions and work and dont even realize where tired.
    We all need alone time.But it must be nice to hear family sounds.
    I read the post about the recluse who watched your family play in her window and was feeling sorry for her until I read she was very mean or jelous.If I was a recluse I would be happy to see happy entertainment from my window.
    Sending love and all good things your wayXoXo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Bev, It is nice to hear family sounds, you're right and I did feel guilty moaning about the noise. It was just one of those evenings where everything sounded amplified . . . but most of the time I am grateful to have my kids around me, driving me mad and keeping me sane!
      Yeah, when I first moved in I was friendly towards the lady next door. I did feel for her, but the more I got to know her, the more the story unfolded. She has three sons locally and has banned them from coming to see their Dad (her husband) I don't know what has gone on there but she is most certainly malicious . . . I tried for a long time to be accepting of her, even once again this summer . . . but it always ends with her craziness.
      Stropster's just come in for dinner so I best get on with it!
      Love and good things sent to you too Bev x x x

      Delete
  7. You know what's strange? I feel much the same as you do even though I haven't got an addiction. So I can't blame my lack of progress on anything. And it makes me wonder.

    I just haven't tried/found that thing that would make me feel good. You've tried and found something but it isn't ideal - obviously - though there are certainly millions out there who have also thought it so for a little while. It's really too bad that so many things that make us feel good are bad for us. What's wrong with people in general, that life is so hard to take head on?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jeannie, I hope all is well with you, I miss your writing and paintings. And you and Dex.
      Do you know something, I'm not even sure that it makes me feel good really . . . It's just become a habit, a compulsion, but if I were to write down how I feel before it and then after it, well I'm not sure . . . I think I better try that. And it certainly stops me from enjoying music, whether it be playing or listening. It takes the joy and the sadness out of everything . . . You've brought up some very good questions there Jeannie, food for thought, Thanks for always being here, I hope you'll write again soon, or paint? much love sent to you x x

      Delete
  8. Sending my very best caring good wishes your way. And joining everyone else in saying its your blog, apologies not necessary. We all have days when the world is grey. Most of us also have days where we feel we have failed - ourselves or other people or both. Sadly it makes us human.
    Well done to the Stopster in passing his driving test. And I love that Hamper G is enjoying learning.
    Just remember, please, that however bad you are feeling, we are at your back cheering you on.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks The Elephant's Child, I'm just getting impatient for something to change; for me to access the strength and determination that I found earlier in the year . . . It seems out of reach somehow and I'm getting a little bit fed up of myself.
      But, yes there are many other good things happening and I'm lucky to have such healthy, sociable and happy children, I really am.
      I took a photo today, thinking of you, of my few remaining purple and mauve (?) daisies. They've lasted so well. I will post it in the morning.
      Thanks for always being here, I appreciate your support and caring so much and often think of you both, with love x

      Delete
  9. Just write for you first and foremost and don't worry about the rest of us. Just write because hopefully it will help you see clearly, out the addicts voice in your brain and work over what is going on that triggers you to use. We are reading and supporting and willing you along your merry way. This is a tough gritty tricky life and we are all trying to work out how to live it well, or at least without going mad, or always being sad. I think a day of sleep sounds like a very wise thing to have. Take care lovely one xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Mrs D, Yes I will keep on writing, it certainly forces me to think more, and that can't be a bad thing. I need to think on this and work out why the hell I keep on doing the same thing over and over. I know I will keep getting the same result unless I change something . . . But I just feel so stuck and have done since Wales (proper wobbled my jelly, that one!)
      O well, I remain hopeful that one day I will make it through the whole day clean, and that one day will lead to another . . . Meantime, thanks for your support and understanding, much love sent to you x x x

      Delete
  10. Haha, "So why the hell don't I get on and do it"
    That last sentence from Monday night reminds me of a little message that comes up on my phone alarm: " Get out of bed & live "

    Till next time Karl X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Karl . . . It beggars belief doesn't it? I'm beginning to seriously wonder here . . .
      I hope you're feeling better, or at least like "getting out of bed and living" . . . Luckily, I have no choice on that one!
      Take care, with love x

      Delete
  11. Not much to say tonight, but keep fighting the good the fight. Dont let yourself talk yourself out of things! You can be whoever you want to be as long as you put your mind to it!
    Thinking of you
    Kim

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