Being relatively new to it, I had
When I say I'm new to it, I mean I'm new to getting pissed off about it. I suppose over the last five years, which is roughly how long I've been "fading" so far . . . Whenever it's started to bother me I've swept it away under that carpet, convincing myself that I could soon rewind if I was that bothered . . . I'd only have to . . . Well, lose a bit of weight . . . get my teeth fixed . . . and tone up a bit . . . re-colour my hair . . .buy some clothes that fit me . . . and . . . "Sigh".
Obviously as the years have crept on, the idea of rewinding feels like a lot of work . . . and the chances of it happening, more remote. Now all of a sudden I wonder if it's even possible? . . . and say, to an extent it were possible, do I really want this or is it just empty vanity . . . one day the fading will need to be accepted.
Surely it must be. Is it a process whereby acceptance grows as the fading progresses? It must be.
I realised today that it's depressing me slightly . . . As in, looking good used to make me feel good . . . Or did it? or did I just feel good because I was younger. But say they were connected . . . is that so bad?
It came to light a bit this weekend when LQ (Hamper G's Dad)'s Brother, the one who drives me to prison, popped round with one of their other Brothers who's been in Glasgow/Pakistan for a few years. It's been six years since I saw him. He didn't look any different really but he's 39 . . . I didn't change much between 33 and 39. In fact I've never changed this much in any given 5 years (since I was 16) Sodding menopause. He looked
So all this got me to thinking . . . to try and rewind . . . Is it chasing unattainable, long gone, youth? . . . Would I be one of those women having yearly face lifts if I could afford it in a few years? . . . Am I kidding myself I'll feel better because I felt better back then when I looked better? Am I kidding myself that this re-wind is even a possibility? or that I'm even bothered, really, when it comes to it, most days? . . . does it really matter?
Is it just early days of mourning the twinkling . . . and accepting the "fading".
Maybe the further we walk away from youth, the less we look back. I don't know. Maybe not everyone does look back in this way. I don't know. It's certainly not my youth that I want back . . . I'm quite happy with my age. I just want a bit of "youthfulness" I suppose . . . In my fifties ;-) Is that too much to ask?
I just lit a ciggy and glanced over the page . . . there's a lot of "Maybes" and question marks. Maybe I'm questioning it all too much? there goes two more.
I can't remember if I've made my point . . . and unless I remember what my point was I don't suppose I will know. Maybe I'll leave it there. I think I'm tired. Shit! It's gone one! I need my beauty/youthfulness sleep ;-)
Thinking about it . . . I don't think I had a point . . . Just a load of questions. And now it's nearly two! (Yes it took over half an hour to write two lines!)
Sweet dreams and days to all.