Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Happy Boxing Day from the elves

Finally, I've found five minutes to upload this "Elf yourself" vid that Geekster created on his new IPad!

Stropster (17) would not give permission to be on my Blog . . . might ruin his street cred, so it's Hamper G, Geekster, Bernie (Bro's dog), Herbert the cat  . . . And me!   . . . Me, straight out of bed, I might add . . . Geekster would not even let me "put" my eyebrows on! no mascara, nothing, he said "You won't look any different Mum, it's only a tiny photo" . . . there's no point trying to explain to a Thirteen year old lad.

I'm charging my phone/camera and hopefully will find another five minutes (or an hour) later to post some pics. I need to tidy up again and set out another buffet as family and folk are popping in again today . . . And I bought way too much food for yesterday. The roast will wait until Thursday now.

I will reply to comments on previous post . . . The OCD may have loosened it's grip but I'm not prepared to loosen mine ;-)

I hope you're all having a great time doing whatever it is that you enjoy . . . Thanks, as always, for being here. Much love to you all x

Monday, 24 December 2012

I'm rather excited!

Saturday night . . .

Hey ho here we go!

I've worked manically for the last ten days, yes, since that Thursday, when I kicked myself up the arse and decided I would get on with this Christmas thing and do it properly. And I have, well, almost, I still have a few things on my "to do" list; mainly the things that I have carried forward from one day's list to the next . . .  cleaning the cooker. But all in all, I'm pretty satisfied with my winter clean up and clear out.

The kids are excited, I'm quite excited really. I'll be more excited by Monday night when all I can possibly do is done and I can relax. I decided to have an open house all day buffet on Christmas day, otherwise I spend all day in the kitchen. I'll do a family roast on Boxing day, but for Christmas day as people seem to be coming and going at various times to fit in with other folk, it makes more sense to leave the food on offer all day . . . And eat all day. And play all day. And laugh and eat and play some more.

I will put some pics up soon, I haven't forgotten. I took some of Hamper G being an angel in her school nativity play but they didn't come out too good.

I had my first CBT assessment session with therapist, I was very impressed. I'll write more about this in detail when I have time, after Christmas, but she seems very thorough and is interested in the accumulation of mental health issues, over the years, that have brought me to where I am now. She will not deal with the phobia as a separate issue as she believes that the addiction, phobia, depression and anxiety all go hand in hand . . . I think she's right. I feel very optimistic about her approach. Anyway, more of that in the new year.

So, Sunday night . . .

I went up to Mum's house today to wrap all the presents that I've been buying and stashing for several weeks now. One last grocery shop tomorrow for veg, last minute bargains and anything else that occurs to me during the night (crackers!)  Geekster's Dad is Swiss and celebrates Christmas tomorrow evening, we're all invited (Mum, Bro plus partners and me plus kids) up to his house for food, presents and celebrations  . . . A chance for me to sit and relax whilst someone else does the work, I am so ready.

That's it then . . . I'm off to bed. If I don't get here tomorrow, I'll definitely pop in on Christmas day. I'm right looking forward to it all now . . . Bring on the fluffy antlers! Enough work, time for some fun.

Much love and a Happy Christmas to you all x x

Sunday, 16 December 2012

At last!

Thursday night

A real quickie this will be . . . BUT, in this case, length is of no importance!  None at all, the only thing that matters here is . . . well, I suspect you may have already noticed? or maybe not  . . . Anyway, I hope I'm not speaking too soon, and even if I am, and this is short lived, at least I will have shared this moment of feeling better with you all . . . And why wouldn't I? I've shared enough of my misery . . . I should maybe try and strike some kind of balance, har, har.

I've started my major winter purge of the lounge in preparation for the tree and trimmings . . . Yes, I finally experienced one of my manic, marathon 14hr non-stop days, that I've missed so much . . . O how I've missed them. I didn't get as far as doing the tree or trimmings, yet, but purge I did. I emptied the whole room, rearranged the furniture so the bay window area is ready for the tree, mended the outdoor icicle lights, cleaned the windows . . . totally stripped, scrubbed and patchoulied this room ready for its tinsellating tomorrow. I'm actually, seriously, shockingly, looking forward to tomorrow . . .  Did I write that?

I will put up some pictures soon.

Hamper G was at home from school today with cold/cough/earache/slight temperature and I think Geekster will be joining her tomorrow too. Poorly tortoises. They're both good patients. I had to re-schedule this morning's therapy for next Tuesday.

Anyway, sod that . . . I've got tomorrow to get on with and if I'm getting this right, this new concept . . . It's up to me, to a degree, how tomorrow goes . . . if this is so, I think tomorrow could will be a good day for cleaning, fixing more fairy lights, bleaching, lighting candles and oil burners, flinging silver streamers over anything and everything, adding baubles and beads, taking a few pics . . . I really can't wait.

I'm going to bed and keeping a firm grip on this.

Saturday night!

I can't believe it's half ten, I've only just sat down (since this morning, not since Thursday!). I did keep a firm grip on my well overdue motivation and on this new feeling on having some control. I also kept a steady eye on the elusive, flickering light in the distance, it settled and shone until I could see it, no matter where I was looking. I finally finished the lounge today. Yesterday was full of distractions as Hamper G and Geekster were home from school poorly. They're both much better today. So, it's onto the kitchen tomorrow; windows, oven, cupboards, drawers . . . No stone will be left unturned.

I must admit I'm getting quite excited now. I am making an effort to focus on really, literally, taking one day at a time and reminding myself, often, that I have choices and that I can, to an extent, make this day a good day . . . I know it sounds simple and last week it would have meant nothing to me . . . But just for one fleeting moment somewhere on Thursday it did make sense to me . . . and I kept on going back to the idea and trying to keep a hold on it, to build on it, nuture it. Making myself believe it. And that's when things began to improve. How relieved am I? I'm sure you can imagine.

So, once again, I reckon tomorrow will be a productive day. A good day, leaving me feeling that I've taken some control, made some decisions and acheived a few, albeit small, goals. I believe it will.

OK, off to bed. Thanks to all of you for being here with me and for encouraging me.  All of the words and love that I find here mean so much to me.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Today's Truth

Friday afternoon
New post eh? Well I've clicked on it, that's a start . . . Now where to really start?

Ok, firstly, I'm having difficulty thinking, about anything. I've seen my doctor and she thinks this is a result of increasing my dose of Fluoxetine (Prozac) . . . I explained to her that I used to write lists of things to do, bills to pay, just stuff to keep my head above water. Now I sit down to write a list and I stare at the page, or doodle. I used to keep account of money spent; having to budget very closely where every pound goes and  . . . again, I sit down to do this and I can't remember back as far as yesterday to think what has been spent, or how, or where . . . She didn't seem concerned when I told her about this and said they would like to keep it at this level until I've completed the CBT (exposure therapy for phobia) and then reduce. I can see the logic of this, in that my anxiety and "OCDness" is massively reduced and so is my phobia, yes I've noticed that too. I can understand how this will make the therapy less frightening and such . . . But, I dont like not being able to think, or obsess. It's a big part of who I am. And what if I face the exposure therapy and the object of my phobia at this level, only to return to my anxious, obsessive, phobic self once the pills are stopped . . . anyway we'll see, but, for now, I am struggling to think and I'm struggling to do.

 . . . I'm not blaming this lack of focus entirely for my lack of fight . . . But those glimpses of the awful reality of this addiction are few and far between, and with little, or no, impact. So, although I'm sure this state of mind is ideal for facing one's worst fears . . . It's not so good for keeping up with day to day demands  (keeping ALL the socks paired and the loo bleached) or obsessing of any sort . . . Or getting a grip of any sort.

It's freezing cold, I'll tell you that. Freezing cold, wet and windy and freezing cold.
And Christmas is creeping up on me, well, on us all, I suppose . . . everyday, it's a day closer. Really.
And much as I would like, at this moment to fast forward to the new year, rather than face the stress and expense of Christmas  . . . The new year, itself, will bring with it a new problem, more about that later.

It's Saturday morning now. I had a "moment" at half four this morning . . . I lay on the sofa (that's where I sleep at the minute) with these questions going through my mind  . . .  How will I ever stop this? How long will I exist if I don't stop this? What if Hamper G's Dad is homeless on his release from prison?  (17th Jan) in this freezing cold? How can I not help? What if he OD's? Why did he not tell me that he tried to hang himself in prison almost three years ago (at the beginning of his sentence) Why? What if? What will it take? Silent hot tears were falling and I didn't even know I was crying . . . A voice came through the dark from the other sofa  "I love you Mama" . . . what made her say that, right then in her sleep? and why can't I do this? Please, why are three beautiful children not enough to keep me out of this darkness?

There is so much stuff I should be doing . . . And I'm not, I'm just stuck. Real stuck.

And now it's Saturday afternoon. Geekster's Dad has been round for coffee and to arrange to pick Geekster up tonight . . . I see that man looking at me with sadness in his eyes, asking himself where did she go? He might well ask.

Stropster will be in from work in a minute wanting lunch, he's still mad with me, in a
way . . . Rightly so.

This is some of the top layer. The very top layer of a few things, but you knew that.

I was up at half seven this morning to get Stropster up for work and as I made the coffee I accidentally knocked a brand new jar of coffee from the worktop and it smashed on the tiles. I scooped up three sponns to make my coffe with hot milk . . . picked up a large shard of glass and held on to it like it might save me . . . Fortunately, I then imagined the kids finding the mess and walked away from it all, back to the sofa with my coffee . . . So, to some extent, the kids keep me out of the worst of the darkness.

And now Geekster has just phoned me from town to ask what shoe size I am . . . as he's found some fluffy leopard slippers at half price in New Look and he's getting me them for Christmas . . . That boy makes me cry. And now I'm crying again.

I'm not going to read over this or try to improve anything . . . It's today's truth.
Love and thanks to you who read here.