Thursday, 27 September 2012

The Dream and all things mythical . . .

OK, I'm gonna write, right now. I've got a heap of paperwork, phone calls, e-mails and messages to deal with but they will all have to wait . . . I'm not even gonna take time to read any Blogs this morning or comment; if I do, before I know it, it will be midday, then I'll need to spend this afternoon catching up with life and, once again, I'll be too tired to post tonight. So, here I am at 9.30 am.

I had a very weird and telling dream last night. It seemed to play through the whole night but I'm sure it didn't . . . There was some kind of huge pagan festival, which I was walking through. Sometimes indoors; rooms from the commune where I lived, from the houses of my childhood, hospital rooms and classrooms. Sometimes outside; fields, rivers, bridges, railroads . . . but always surrounded by a whirlwind of weirdness (there's a surprise!) At one point I looked down to see I was pregnant and wearing a purple fleece dressing gown. A nurse came through a door and called me into a room to question my drug taking (whilst pregnant - Guilt!) . . . She said I could take a pill and the baby would go away . . . Go away? I looked at least 8 months gone.

Next thing, I was carried along by a very enthusiastic crowd, down to a wide, raging river from which were emerging, what can only be described as bears . . .  bears with limbs as long as those of a human,  . . . Folk were clambering to hug one of these "bears", the bears were revered, worshipped, magical, mythical beings . . . "Get one!" they called to me. "Get that one!" That one, being the one who was coming towards me, looking like he might get me first! Personally, I wasn't too trusting of these beings and certainly didn't have any intention of hugging one. Again, I looked down, this time I noticed that I had no shoes on . . . "I have to go" I called "I need to find my shoes" and clambered, sometimes forward, then slipping backwards up (and down) the very slippery, wet, muddy river bank (trying to get away from something that many people find appealing . . . hmmmm) OK, you don't need me to explain, I know.

Then . . . bear with me (bear!), I can't remember much more, but this is VERY clear . . . I was on the inside of a square tower, empty, apart from a staircase winding up along the inside of the four walls . . . Many parts of the staircase were missing; sometimes the outer rail, sometimes a few steps, other times many steps. Occasionally, where there were huge gaps, there would be a table nailed to the wall (!) . . . On these tables were jewels and crystals, statues and trinkets for sale. Distractions, designed to stop me moving on up! . . .  I digress . . . I (?) was singing . I question the "I", as this was the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. It was more than a voice. It was an uplifting (literally), spine-tingling, ethereal, angelic choir, yet I was controlling it. When "I" sang, I floated over these gaps, they were gone, I was "as if by magic" on the other side of them. When "I" stopped singing, I struggled; alternating between edging my way along, hanging from the loose and broken rails, and attempting to reach across empty gaping spaces to the next steps. I was aware that I had "written" this song, this wordless, amazing melody was straight from my soul. . . I wish I could remember it, although I know that is not the point of this dream . . . Again, you don't need me to tell you.

OK, back to reality . . . My "main man" got sent down for six months yesterday (not drugs related). Obviously this doesn't make it impossible for me to score, but it's certainly a major deterrent. To go from having it discreetly delivered to my front room, of an evening, to having to visit a well known, well watched, often raided, crack den in the middle of town and in the middle of the afternoon, makes a huge difference to me. Town is almost a mile away and as I already walk four miles a day, unless I go there as part of my journey on the way to school, alone, in the afternoon (a very small tiny weeny window of opportunity temptation) . . . I will not be doing it at all. And when I say often raided; that's by police and crack fiends with machetes. This could be just what I need . . . divine intervention! I've already imagined many nightmare scenarios that could occur, visiting that place . . . hmmmm.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to the city N/A this Wednesday as I had an appointment with the doctor and a "breathing review" yesterday. In fact I barely sat down yesterday between 7am and 8pm. I've introduced Mother to Hamper G's wonderful teacher as "Grandma, who will be picking her up on a Wednesday afternoon"  . . . So, definitely next Wednesday. I've made sure I have no other appointments.

O My, it's midday! how did that happen. I must go. I need to find my shoes! . . . I have a feeling I will remember more snippets of this dream as I go through the day. Yes, it was one of those dreams. I've already remembered another piece but it involves my phobia, so I'll keep hold, or rather, let go of that bit . . . It obviously represents a lot of stuff that I want to get away from. And, indeed, how to get away . . . I need to find my shoes first . . . I'm off to look for them.

I will catch up later with your Blogs, of course.

Thanks to everyone for reading, commenting, sharing their lives or just being. One week today is my first anniversary of Blogging . . . I really hope, pray, wish and want, more than ever, to be clean. Love, love and more love to you all  x x x

I have ridden comet tails in search of magic rings,
to conjure mythical kings, mythical kings . . .
Singing scraps of angel song, high is right and low is wrong,
and I never taught myself to give,
down, down, down where the Iguanas live.

PS . . . I gotta tell you this. I just picked up my list of fourteen "things to do" today, ranging from sending Hamper G's Dad (in prison) some new socks to phoning Virgin Media, with all manner of things inbetween. None of which I've done, yet, as I've been here . . . So. I added "write a post" to the end of the list and gave it a huge, satisfying tick ;-)

Thursday, 20 September 2012

No, no buts about it . . . It's still progress!

I finally got to do some writing this afternoon. I'd been rooting through some old pictures, looking for something specific the other night and went off at a tangent. This led me to Google the village where I lived for a few years in France. . . . Which led me to a Blog written and photographed by one of the villagers on many aspects of village life . . . I was there till 3am! So little has changed there in Twenty-five years, it was amazing to see so many faces I recognised, the Pizzeria where I worked, every single fountain, the folklore festivals, the traditional music, the Chamois and the Marmots up in the mountains, the Edelweiss . . . Each and every little detail. Needless to say, it brought back many memories and whilst my head was in France, I retraced my past back through Nice to the day I arrived in France after crossing the border with "nice eyes", in  Eliza escapes (part two)
(for new readers, that post is the 9th and latest in my story on the Flashes from the Archives page)
So, after almost two months, the next episode will be here soon. I do wish I could write as and when the mood takes me, without interruptions. Maybe one day . . . well, like today really.

It's been a busy week again, nothing exciting; the usual keeping afloat stuff; washing, cooking, cleaning, shopping . . . contemplating decorating. Yes, contemplating . . . I do know, from experience, that once I start the decorating, there'll be no stopping me. No cooked dinners during those days, washing will pile up, shopping will have to wait. When I start on a room, it's rather like doing a drawing; I have to work straight through until it's completed. I'd stop to make a sandwich for the kids or take them to school, the absolute necessities . . . hopefully, not long enough to lose the mood. If I did, the room would have that suddenly abandoned style. Anyway, I'm not sure when it will happen, but I know it will.

Now then, I noticed that it's almost a year since I started this Blog . . . Nearly a year!!  I don't really want to examine the changes that I've made this year, quite likely because I feel there are too few  . . . But that depends on which areas I examine. There has been progress, maybe not as much as I would've liked . . . then again . . .  I'm not really sure at all am I? Maybe I should take a closer look.


Hamper G is in school, even happily settled in school. A year ago I was still fighting to get her a place in the local school. Protesting that I could never walk four miles a day . . , Now I'm grateful that I have no choice but to walk those four miles a day. It does me so much good and there's no way I would have the discipline to make myself do this walk . . . every day, even in the winter.

So, I'm walking four to five miles per day, fast, approx 6 miles per hour. Hamper G either scoots or cycles to school now . . .  so we're fast. I've improved my lung function for sure. I could do with re-introducing the weights and skipping, as they increased both my stamina and strength. More of that can't be a bad thing.

From 72kg I've got my weight down to 62kg, only 2kg off my original target of 60kg, yeah, you noticed the addition of "original" . . . Well, I'm thinking I could go for 57g now, this would take me to my pre-Hamper G weight, and pre-menopause weight.

Hey yeah, there's another one! Hamper G is cycling without stabilisers now. That's huge progress. A great achievement for us both, really.

I kept half a garden this year and although it wont be long before the flowers are over, it's been a pleasure to maintain and admire, mostly . . . Sometimes a pain in the arse to water, but the benefits far outweighed the occasional inconvenience.

Right, now I'm scraping the barrel, let's get to the one that I'm obviously avoiding, like the main goal in all of this, number Six (?) on the list (!) Well, that about says it all, doesn't it?  Not that this is in order of importance, but it was my main goal, I mean, it took priority over planting some flowers.

OK . . . being in the middle of a prolonged lapse, doesn't negate the fact that there have been many clean days this year. In fact, the most days I've had clean/sober in any year out of the last 34  . . . Yes, 34! So, even if I was to say, on average, there were only three to four days clean out of every week between February and August this year, which would equal roughly 80 days in 6 months  . . . they'd be the first 80 days in 34 years . . . That has to count for something. Progress. And I don't intend to stop fighting either.

I won't carry on with that subject as I feel totally schizophrenic about it all. Like, if I think, or write, something positive, I immediately hear the other voice contradicting me. Likewise, if I say, or think, a negative, the other voice defends me . . . So, as you can imagine, the conversation becomes tediously single minded, for a person in two minds . . . .

OK, more progression;

Stropster is still in the same trainee mechanic job/apprenticeship that he began when he left school. That's a year, bless him, earning approximately a third of the minimum wage, oh yes, that's why employers are keen to get apprentices on board  . . . £2.50 per hour for the first year and he works hard there. Fortunately, he has the sense to look at the bigger picture, the future.
He's doing good on the guitar and can strum a few good tunes now. He's booked his driving theory test for next Tuesday . . . The practical exam will follow if he passes the theory. Bro's gonna get him a small car and help out with the insurance. All good then. Progress for sure.

Geekster, well Geekster just sails through school being Geekster, top marks with no effort whatsoever. Good for him. He has a very scientific mind. An enquiring mind, a thinker . . . and an eccentric. He progresses by just being.

So all in all, I reckon there's a fair amount of progress (Shut up you, I ain't listening to your negative chat)
Yeah, but . . .
No, no buts about it,  I'm not listening, I didn't say it was perfect, I said it was progress . . . I know there's room for plenty more!

Progress not perfection

Right on that note, I'll away. I'll probably be in France tomorrow evening . . .

Hey, let's not forget the progression of the actual Bloggery itself. The relationships that we've built. The struggles and triumphs that we've shared . . .The community here, your Blogs, the lives of you people that I get to read about, think about, even worry about!  Folk I've come to know, to trust, and consider to be my friends. I had no idea that this could even happen when I started a Blog. It certainly wasn't a goal, as it wasn't a possibility in my mind. That's more than progress  . . . That's a massive, wonderful, unexpected, shining bonus!

Thanks to anyone, everyone who's here reading now . . . You're very much appreciated. Really.
Much love x

O Wow, it's almost 2 am! I need to quickly play the part of the tooth fairy, then I'm off to bed x

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

A huge But . . .

Rightio, in line with my "honesty being the best policy" policy I'm going to get it all out there, as it were.

Some things have improved over the last week; I took Hamper G to see her Dad on Friday, which I'll write about another time . . . but at least I faced the visit and didn't cancel, as I did the week before. Hamper G is settling at school in the mornings. She has a gentle, caring teacher who has very quickly noticed that if she gives Hamper G a job to do, making her feel useful and responsible, she is happy to let go of me and get on with her duties. I'm grateful to her teacher for taking the time to do this as it's made a huge difference to both of us. My energy has improved, maybe the four mile daily walk has helped with this . . . I haven't quite started decorating yet but I am keeping busy . . . ish. . . most days.

But . . .

Yes there is a but.

I am struggling to get one clean day. In fact, I'm finding it impossible. I've thought long about this, I've fought with it, taken the days an hour at a time, the hours a minute at a time and pretty much tried everything that worked last time . . . and failed. Well, almost everything.

There is one thing I haven't tried, I haven't been to N/A throughout the Summer holidays. I left a comment on Dawn's Blog a couple of days ago, Dawn is writing a month of recovery posts based on the twelve steps programme, and in her reply she mentioned that her only concern was that I was doing this alone, as in no face-to face contact. Maybe I need to get back to N/A, be it the local branch or in the nearby city, I need to meet people who have beat this shit and stayed clean. N/A is the only place that I've ever found clean addicts. To talk and listen to people who have fought this battle . . . I'm not thinking that it will suddenly be easy or that N/A can do this for me, but I do believe that it helped me last time and at the minute I will try anything that might help.

It's very confusing; knowing that I won't see the trap that I'm in, until I'm out of it. Knowing that I'm blindfolded and numb, wanting to feel the severity of this, but not being able to . . . Knowing that the insanity will only become clear with hindsight. I can talk of it now, but I can't feel it. It's just words. I used to say "If I wasn't an addict I could get off this shit" I know that sounds ridiculous but I mean, If I was my pre-addicted self, of course I would have the strength and the sight to see the situation for what it is . . . but in the midst of addiction it's nigh on impossible to see it. It's like standing in the fog for so long that you become accustomed to it . . .  not being able to recall how things looked without the fog. Not noticing how foggy it is until you are no longer in the fog and have something to compare it to. I know I've had clean times recently and I felt so much better. But I can't feel that at the minute . . . I can't grasp how good it felt to be out of the fog. Cunning and baffling indeed. It's just another trick. When we have clean time, it's easy to look back at the addicted times and see, even feel, how enslaved and trapped we were . . . yet when we are using it doesn't seem possible to look back and see, let alone feel, how free and full of life we were, when we were clean.

I'm not sure if this makes much sense, I'm just thinking really. And tired.

Anyway it's late and I'm off to bed.  I will try again tomorrow to stay clean and to write something earlier on in the day. Maybe I will see things more clearly. I'll let you know . . .
Thanks to each one of you for being here.

Written Monday night. Posted early Tuesday morning.

Saturday, 8 September 2012

Three in a wheel! The Roborovskis ;-)

Just a quickie here as I've been promising Gledwood for so long that I would post some footage of some of my (23) Roborovskis. This is my first attempt at filming them, I dare say I will improve!  They are nocturnal and really come into their own at about 3 am . . . not a time when I'm usually up and about with my phone/camera thingy. At 3.13 on the first video there are five in the wheel! I must point out that there are two other wheels in the cage for them to use . . . Anyway, I'm cleaning them all out today so maybe I can film some more antics as I empty their cages!
It's been a busy week with a long day yesterday visiting Hamper G's Dad in prison. I've been reading all blogs as usual but rarely had time to comment. I'll update later as it's late Saturday morning here; Geekster Stropster will be in from work for bacon butties, the washing needs to be hung out, plants all need watering, nine hamster cages/tanks need cleaning out and on and on the list goes.
I've definitely felt more energetic and hopeful this week . . . As if I'm taking the first steps again towards something good. Anyway I'll write about that later  . . .
Meantime, I hope you all have a great weekend, much love and many thanks to you all for being here x

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

The last few pics of Wales . . . and a little ray of light

The morning dip
Lunch outside "The George"
Beauty all around
Hamper G with me taking a picture of the archway, I love archways. I'm not sure if they're even called archways . . . But I know I love them.
 Bro and Geekster!
 The Blue Lagoon
Clean sand and blue sky!
Hamper G "brumming" the boat I built for her
At the bottom of the slide . . . I did try to get a picture of her coming down the slide . . . but ended up with twelve shots of an empty slide!
 The end of another lovely day.
I'm feeling a little more positive today. No particular reason for this, nothing has changed . . . yet. Today felt lighter and I felt stronger . . .  I hope that tomorrow brings more light and strength for us all.
It's past midnight and I'm almost falling asleep so I'll leave it at that . . .
I do feel as though I'm looking forward to something . . . I've no idea what, but just to feel something, other than fear and dread, is a blessing. A relief. A ray of light and hope.
Love, light and many thanks to you all x x x