Saturday, 31 December 2011

Is it over?

You know Chritsmas is over when this is the only thing left in the Quality Street tin.

Friday, 30 December 2011

Whoa! Hold on a minute . . . What's the rush?

Now then, whats all the rush to get Christmas over and done with, tidied up, cleaned away, put back in the attic till next year? Maybe it's just me . . . and Hamper G . . . She keeps saying it is still Christmas isn't it Mum? Yes of course it is. Having spent a month preparing, choosing, buying, decorating and building up to it  . . I'm in no rush to see the back of it. With Geekster off school and Stropster off work till Tuesday I suppose it won't feel "Back to normal" until then. The neighbours have taken their decorations down, the pub on the corner has, Sainsburys have . . . Isn't it supposed to be 12 days?  Or is it 12 hours now.? Well I'm not joining in . . I'm still switching on all my flashing/snowing/chasing  lights as soon as it gets dark . . . I will keep this thing going on my own if I have to. And I may have to. Every blogger I read seems to be glad, relieved or thankful its all over. I don't get it. I've not even started on my chocolate reindeer yet . . . C'mon, I can't be the only one . . .  Can I?
Ooo Ya bugger . . Geekster has some left some "freeview" channel on that seems to have an hour long advert every two (?) hours for a heap of Country music CDs. Zestify, that's it . . . The Golden age of Country. Boy there are some rhinestones and hairdo's there. From Jim Reeves to Marty Robbins . . . Porter Wagoner, Sonny James. Ooo Yi Yi.
Ok I suppose I should get on with something. I'm making the most of not having to get up at 7am to do "packed lunches" and coax the lads out of bed to work and school . . . No alarm. Bliss. I'm in no rush to get back to normal . . . Maybe cus I wasn't there in the first place :-)  Have a jolly good day folks . . . See ya later.

Tuesday, 27 December 2011


Sorted! I made the effort to go to Bro's house, laugh in the right places, admire photos on phone (that I  couldn't even see) of his mother-in-law's latest Grandchild, Oooh and ahh in all the right places, thank her muchly for the eau de toilette "Heaven scent" Geddit? O dear. I shouldn't take the piss  . . .  but sometimes I can't help myself. I also couldn't help myself noticing on my way to bro's house that "The man's" car was back. Despite my text saying  "Please text me the minute you get back" . . . Nothing. So as soon as I got in Bros' house I text him to say I had  noticed the car was back? . . . O yeah (Babe) pop round !?!  (I forgot you had been waiting 48hrs -  Soz Babe) Well yes I can see how its easy to forget these things when you're concentrating on running a beetle the size of a £2 coin up and down a foot long sheet of foil. But it did make things somewhat less painful knowing a cure was literally "just round the corner". Amazing how quickly I/any addict recover/s when the end of suffering is in sight. O yes, suddenly very animated and sociable aren't we? Within half an hour of leaving Bro's house, the idea of two hours in a hot kitchen, doing a roast to beat all roasts seemed like the perfect challenge :-) . . . And if I say so myself it was mighty fine. Possibly the best gravy I have ever made. Delishioso. Rinsed down with a few glasses of merlot . . . A couple of Baileys on ice to chase a few Lindt chocs . . . Now a few lines. And a few more chocs Per fect tion. I'm easily pleased really. Totally satisfied. Seems like a good place to bid you all goodnight . . . and may your dreams be sweet. There's bugger all on Telly . . . A good time for a tune . . . I'll pop back if decide on one.

Sorry Babe?!?!

Well so much for a night off. It wasn't intentional, my Christmas stash ran out a little before predicted so I text "the man" yesterday at 5 ish giving myself plenty of time . . . Sorry "babe" I'm away till tomorrow night . . . . WHAAT??? First of all don't "BABE" me at the best of times. Even more so if you're about to let me down!! Secondly you aint sorry or you woulda let me know you were going so I could sort things before you went. I was not happy . . . I'm still not. I did try to make a good thing of it, to see it as a chance to do one night clean in the hope that more might follow . . . Fuck that. I feel CRAP. Worse thing is I have to go to my Bro's house at 2pm with the kids to see Sister-in-law's MUM?? Now why would I want to do that? To be given a pencil for Christmas? with some scripture stamped on it? Come on!? Pu-lease. I am SO NOT in the mood for that. I think it best if I don't go really. But I cant NOT go. O why has this happened?. Today of all the bastards. You see its not all plain sailing. Much as I like to think it is. ITS NOT. Just one hiccup is all it takes. Fucking Tightrope walking. C'mon Phone. Even the man from outta town who texts every day to say he's here for an hour . . . aint text today!! This is unreal. I know its sort of my own fault for doing extra smokes over Christmas or it would of lasted till tomorrow, but it IS Christmas and it was my only pressy to myself. It's not like I was out my face ignoring the kids or ote . . just a little mid-afternoon chill to help me put up with everyone! . . . and be a good hostess. Not only have I got to do my Brothers house "thing" I have to cook the full Christmas dinner when I get back as the last two days have been "open house buffet"  . . . Two hours in a hot kitchen. I really am FUCKED. And I cant see a way round this at all. That's because there isn't one. O well. I will come back when I have something to say. Bollox.Wanker.

Sunday, 25 December 2011

And Relax . . .

Almost too tired to write. Had a good Chritsmas eve and an even better Christmas day. All is calm. Chocolates, Baileys and a tasty smoke . . . .
Hope you're all having a good time in some way. I'm off to make the most of an hour in peace if I can keep my eyes open. Good night and sweet dreams.

Friday, 23 December 2011

YAY! The Real Deal!

Ps. Just left Blog . . Checked Facebook to see if I had any messages .  .  . And found this posted by our next door neighbour . . . The "Real Santa" Ok, I'm gone, real gone . . .

Two more sleeps!

Ok I've literally got five minutes . . . Don't have to leave the house again, everything is in . . . Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Kids all woke up shouting "Two more sleeps" including  Stropster. Singing, shouting, dancing . . . Anyone would think it was Christmas. This is not the "real" Santa who came to the house. I'm still waiting for those photos . . .
Ice skating with a penguin. What a fine idea they are. I reckon even I could skate with a penguin. Then without a penguin . . . Ahhhh
Geekster is off school from today so he gonna post some photos of the tree and lights for me when I've got them all working . . . They can be a real pain those lights. Ok this adding photos as I go along is working better (thanks Jeannie) . . . I've not tried the "code move" yet Furtheron, as I'm in a hurry . . .  I need to do about three days cleaning in one day. Pity Gledwood doesn't live closer, I could hijack him for the day and give him something to keep him busy! He would love cleaning out the 27 hammies. Sorry not to do links with all this name dropping, yes you guessed . . . I'm in a hurry. Ok I must start somewhere. Hopefully back later with very little left to do. Bro popped in last night so I nagged him some more about the "You Tube" clip. Looks like it will be New year. He has "it" on CD from some recording somewhere but its 90 mins long!.(He calls that the full on "Angels & Trumpets" version) Having to condense it somewhat will take time, but he has promised :-) Right I'm going. Have a good day people. Catch ya later.

Thursday, 22 December 2011

Three more Sleeps!!!

Ok  . . . I give up trying to put these photos where I want them. I used to do Desk Top Publishing for a printing company (17 yrs ago) on an Apple mac (the first one in town!) and you just pick the damn photo up and drag it where you want it . .  Not here you don't! 
Anyway not gonna be got down by that :-) Here's the first few of Criggy pics . .  I thought Barbara needed a laugh so here's my 6ft 5" brother in his dog's Santa outfit! Geekster wearing my "creation from a cracker"  hat that I made after a glass of wine. I used to need 2 bottles to feel it. . . . One glass now. And of course Bernie in his outfit :-) He's a lovely dog. I wasn't allowed to post the dinner picture with Stropster on  . . "I'm not having my face on your blog!!" Ok well he is 16 so I wont put that up.
 I'm not gonna edit or anything as I've heaps to get on with. I just popped by to catch up on the usual folk.
If you saw my brother 7 years ago . . well you just wouldn't believe it was the same man. There is hope. He was as bad a junkie as any I've known. Homeless most of the time. Mornings spent nicking stuff to make money to score etc etc. The usual. Often spending hours "asleep" in my bathroom with a needle hanging out his arm . . . Several prison sentences . . The last one of which he is eternally grateful  for. He is actually eternally grateful to God . . . I've asked him to put his testimony on You Tube for those who would like to hear it. For others who think its just God replacing Gear  . . . well that's ok too.  . . You don't have to watch it :-) Me (being me) can see it from both sides. I'm good like that. Ok I have to "shift it". I hate to post this in such a mess. No I really do . . It annoys me so bad that I cant arrange it how I want. Any tips on moving photos anyone? Why do they "snap" back to where they came from? I'm just gonna have to "get over it" and post it. I've 27 (?) hamsters to clean out, drug worker to see, more shopping in town to finish, the kitchen to clean and when I say clean I mean Clean! and my Chritsmas stash to resist! I didn't want to be texting "the man" every day over Crig and running out to meet him so I got some in. Now I have to stick to my "one a day". Hmmmmmm. Easily said. I can't afford to run out early so will have to "sort of" stick to it. Good job I'm a sensible user eh? Do those two words even look right together? No I thought not. O well I am. I am also putting off getting up and getting on . . .  Here goes. Huge Christmas love to you all . . . x x x

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Good food

Geekster and Hamper G on the trampoline with a bag of soapy water. This went on for two hours then they came in, got dressed and ten minutes later  . . . Look where I found them!
 I can't believe this is only four months ago . . . Our camping holiday in Wales with my Brother (blue top) and his wife (red jumper). No that's not their names. Not exactly seasonal I know but as soon as I get my hands on Geekster and his camera I will have some Criggy photos to post. I keep saying I will put some up so here we are. If you were to stand facing the chair where the guitar is and look left . . . this is the view. I can't wait to get back there. One way of getting to the nearest town with beach is by mini steam train as below and ferry (!) above. . . Simple living. Gourmet barbeques, delicious. We put in an order with the local butcher in the morning then pick up various flavours of local lamb kebabs for the barbeque on the way back to base in the evening.

Ha Bloody Har :-). . . Do I look like I'm laughing? . . . Thought not. And if you think you're getting me in that wet suit you can think again!
This is our favourite coffee shop on holiday. Not sure why Hamper G needs two chairs or why Geekster turns into a weirdo when the camera is on him? . . . Strange kids :-/  Those Paninis and Cappuchinos are the best ever. We are slowly working our way through the menu. Their home-made cake selection has to be seen. Has to be tasted of course too. They have heaps of games there for kids to play and several laptops. When it's raining (quite often in Wales) you could just sit there all day eating . . . No wonder I put on weight there. Even with all the walking and running about on the beach. O happy hols.

This is a bit all over the place. The photos will not just stay where I put them. I must be doing something wrong . . . but I've no idea what?
I've got a day off tomorrow. Well when I say a day off I mean Hamper G is going with Geekster and his Dad ice skating. They are taking her to see Santa so I'm on my own but I still have loads to do . . . It could wait till Monday I suppose. O yeah we've got Christmas dinner at my Brother's house tomorrow evening as we don't eat with them on Christmas day. He's a good cook, taught by me, so that's something to look forward to . . . Not cooking yet guaranteed a perfect dinner . . .mmmm. I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to cooking. Eating out in Britain is often a disappointment. Or should I say it used to be. (I'm not saying it's improved . . . I've just not been out for yonks)

Praying for a peaceful day for everyone tomorrow. I've just noticed it's past 2am. Ok I'll leave the photos where they are otherwise it will be 3am and I'll be no better off. I can see me having a lazy day tomorrow . . . well I do deserve one really. It's a rarity. Good night and sweet dreams to you good folk . . .  and you bad'uns ;-)

Thursday, 15 December 2011

Ding-a-ling-a-ling . . . Santa's here!

Another busy day. Finished putting decorations up in the "Christmas room". I need Geekster to charge his phone (to use the camera) then I'll take a photo and post it here.
Hamper G was almost asleep tonight when Santa came in his sleigh. The reindeers were a white van. I usually know when he is coming and we wait up for him but I'd forgotten this year . . . I just heard the bells ringing and asked Hamper G to check out of the window. She was beside herself with excitement . . . Hoody straight on over PJ's, boots on and out the door . . .  eyes out-shining the Christmas lights. Sitting in the sleigh next to Santa looking up at him so seriously. Luckily Geekster's best friend (our neighbour) had his phone charged and took some photos.  One day I'll get a camera or phone with camera so I don't need to rely on others.

Prison visiting tomorrow . . . That will be exhausting but it's a must. LQ's brother is taking us which makes it all a lot easier and more enjoyable. I'll still be glad to get home though as I'm never relaxed in those places until it's time to leave.

I've given myself permission to accept me as I am until the new year . . .   Any effort to change is being put on hold until then. Should any changes occur without effort that's a bonus! Apart from weight gain of course which is almost guaranteed during two weeks of sheer piggery. Peer shiggery.

Oooops was asleep there with finger on the s. Good night. Sweet dreams

Amazing Amazon

Nothing of note happened yesterday. Paid money into the bank . . . Spent it on-line. More presents. None of which are guaranteed to be here by Christmas but there's not much I can do about that.
After completing an order last night I was offered a "free" calendar (I should have known better) . . . All I had to do was download a photo for each month. Spent a couple of hours choosing, editing, cropping and rotating various photos. Trying to create "month relevant" photos . . .  Highlighting special dates. Choosing borders etc. Yes that looks good . . . Cheapest postage £3.78! Well I couldn't not have it now could I? No.
I fought to resist all the other products they suddenly had available with photos of my children on them! Cheeky fuckers.
Ordered a book of knitting patterns for dogs! for Sister-in-law (loves knitting and loves her dog) And knitting patterns for cakes for Mother as she can't bake, loves knitting and they are less fattening that way!
O Amazon . .  How did I live without you? . . . The possibilities are endless but the bank account isn't so I better stop it . . . Now!!
Off to the bank again! back later. Hope you're all feeling Festive ;-)

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

No news is good news

This is probably the only free ten minutes I will get today . . . I'm not really awake enough to think of anything to write. I have so much to do today . . . Finish Criggy room, off to town to buy hooks to put rope light up and another extension lead . . . more lights. More ordering on-line. Juggling funds all over the place to try and cover all this extravagance. If they all get everything they asked for it will be a minor miracle. I'm gonna post this and get on. Something worth writing about should happen today  . . . ? Snow?
What a boring post. Yawn. Must be methadone time . . .

Saturday, 10 December 2011

Happy Birthday Emma

Thirty Three years ago in a very Welsh hospital in North Wales I walked the corridors ten days overdue from my expected delivery date. I would not give birth. There must be a way out. I knew deep down there was only one way out and I couldn't face that.  I would have to give birth. The next morning I was going to be induced. I went back to my bed at 9pm. If I was lucky I might die in the night. Please God.

I was woken at 6am and taken through all the necessary (in 1978) proceedures . . enema, shave, drip, pessaries, waters broken. I didn't say a word. I had nothing to say. The staff spoke Welsh. I didn't understand a word and couldn't care less. They offered me some gas and air. I had no idea why . . . I wasn't complaining. I didn't want it, I didn't like the mask. I lay on my side for hours . . . 18 hours. I wouldn't give birth. I was exhausted drifting in and out of sleep. Someone heard me groaning and asked me if I was pushing . . . I was. I didn't know I was. I just felt some pressure that needed moving. Twenty minutes later at a quarter past midnight they told me I had a beautiful daughter. 8lbs 14oz. I felt nothing. I said nothing.

Four days I lived with her on that ward. I watched happy fathers coming to visit their wives and babies. Happy siblings and Grandparents. My Dad came with sad blue eyes. Too sad to look at. Despite having got all the baby stuff ready early in the pregnancy, he thought it best that I give her up for adoption. Ok Dad. I'd hurt him enough already. He told me that God said this baby would make some couple very happy. Ok God. I'd hurt him enough already too.

One evening as I bottle fed her she opened her eyes and looked straight into mine. Deep dark blue understanding eyes. I felt something and looked away. They gave me some pills to stop the milk. They didn't work. It felt like I had two bricks stuck to my chest.

I took her to the nursery to change her nappy and she was covered in oily black/green stuff from the waist down.(meconium-totally normal when baby first empties bowels) I was scared. I thought I had done something wrong. My head was fucked. I held her under the tap!! Like you would a doll. I couldn't see how else to get this stuff off? She didn't cry I think she knew she was dealing with an amateur. Not for much longer. I can still smell the soap I used on her. My own soap. Lemon zest. No-one told me not to. I've never used it again.

Early one morning my Dad came to the ward. It wasn't visiting time. I saw a man behind him with a carrycot go into a side room. Ok . . . I got dressed and walked out to the car. It was freezing cold. Johnny Mathis was singing  "When a child is born" on the car radio . . . I said nothing. I felt nothing. It was freezing cold. I was frozen cold.

I want, I don't want.

Thats two more days with no progress. So annoying. Too many interruptions. I like to get "on one" and work solid for 9 or 10 hours but that aint happening. There was no prison visit as LQ hadn't booked one . . . New prison, new rules . . . the inmate books the visit at this one. So now he's booked for next Friday. His brother had taken the day off work to go so he came over any way with kids so cousins could play . . . another day with nothing done.
I spent hours trying to find me some clothes and boots on line last night . . . Nothing?
That's right.
Nothing. Am I too fussy? Yes. I know exactly what I want. I want these clog boots but I want another inch on the heel.
I found a pair with a higher heel but they are not proper wooden heels and I don't like the staples . . . I prefer studs. I also prefer suede. I like the ties round the suede pair too . . .
Decisions, decisions. I could have studs added to the wooden pair.

I found a hooded top in the exact shape (flared to hide "that" area) I want but I want it in white (or black) soft "Angora-mix" wool. Not pink cotton. I found the jeans but I want them in a size 10 . . .  and If I can't get in a ten I don't want them! If I can't get in a ten I don't want any jeans. I will spend Christmas in my pyjamas and slippers eating chocolate, putting on more weight and getting more depressed.
Ok so I've almost wasted another half a day . . . Stropster will be back from work at lunchtime for a "Full English breakfast" and before I know it, it will be getting dark . . .
I have got the tree down from the attic. When I say "I" have got the tree down I mean Geekster has. I stood on the top "shelf " of the step ladder and went  to pull myself up into the loft (as I've done every other year) to find, to my utter horror, that I could no longer pull myself up! Well we know why that is . . . I'm proper  fed up with myself. And looking at this picture of size 10 jeans plus super flat tummy is doing nothing to help (maybe they're a size 8) :-)

Ok. Im gonna get off my fat arse and get on with the Christmas room. Possibly eight/nine sets of lights to get working Why are they always ok when you pack them away but not when you get them out again?
I love those fairy lights. I put them every where.
I will take a photo when I've finished the room.
I have to finish all on-line shopping by Monday too.
Right. One thing at a time. "Irreducible minimum" I can walk away at any time. Can I though? Realistically?
Alexandra Burke has just come on tv singing Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah. Beautiful song. Now Elton John with "Step into Christmas". Ok let's step into Christmas. See you all later. Enjoy!

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Just a quickie . . .

I'm panicking. I got ahead of myself a couple of weeks ago and sorted all Hamper G's shopping then I relaxed. It felt like I had loads of time to do the rest. Typical. Now I've got heaps to do and not enough time to do it. It doesn't matter how early I start, I always end up in a last minute panic. So I have to get on. I've moved my bed from the living room back upstairs so I can have a "normal" living room for Christmas visitors. I dragged a super king size mattress up the stairs yesterday. I know. I don't know how either but I did. Sheer determination . . . No I won't ask my brother. I do not need a man to do this. I'm not stubborn. Now I have to Christmasify the living room . . . Today.
I have to see my drugs worker at 2pm.  Also I must attend a back to work "waste of time cus my daughter is not at school yet!" interview at 1pm. Prison visit all day tomorrow. I need to just get on. I'm hoping for a bit of full moon mania. I've done my "things to do" and "things to buy" lists and sat staring at them both . . .
Some days I feel so capable and on top of everything. Other days it all feels very overwhelming, almost impossible. Like today. I haven't got time to waste a day sitting paralyzed in the headlights. I need to move it. Now. Someone give me a cyber kick up the arse. I'm waiting . . .

Friday, 2 December 2011

I could have been someone . . . and so could anyone!

Well that didn't take long. I made it my task today to find out how to do one of those links where you just click on a word to go to the site . . . I know, hardly a stretch is it? I must set my sights a bit higher.
Anyway what better link could I do than this one?

On replying to a comment from Jeannie on the previous post I mentioned that many, many moons ago I used to play bodhran and sing in a folk band called "No strings attached". We played mostly pubs, some barn dances and even made the local radio station!  I was often told that I looked serious (see terrified). . . I  had zilch self-confidence, even though I was pretty damn good on the bodhran, and was painfully shy. I know its hard to imagine given my record since then but I was 17 and hadn't yet discovered alcohol. Spliff, mushrooms and acid yes . . . alchohol No. No wonder I was terrified. Paranoid more like. Once I had discovered alcohol I found plenty of confidence and a much stronger singing voice ;-)

Since re-discovering the world out there via my laptop I have looked up the former members of the band. The "Main man" of the band was Chris Haigh who wrote some of the music, lyrics, played several instruments (mainly fiddle), sang, entertained, directed us, drove us around in moggy minor van (!) and was obviously destined to go on to greater things . . . Indeed he has. I wanted to post some of his music here but there is just loads to choose from. I have problems with decisions, among other things, which is why I didn't get as far as Mr Cohen last night. Ok I chose this as he singing too. He makes that fiddle look so damned easy . . . Bless you Chris. Amen indeed!

He wrote a great take on "Whiskey in the jar" called "Nein Danke Atomkraft". The chorus where it usually goes . . . "Whack for your Daddio . . ." (or similar) was . . . "Nein Danke Atomkraft, No more you must be daft, Use Guiness power instead!" The rest of the group had discovered alcohol. I'm such a freak.

The title of this post is my favourite line of the Pogues "Fairy tale of  New York". So keen am I on this line, that one night after I was well acquainted with alcohol my Brother and I spent a whole evening singing it (yes just the one line.) going from bar to bar . . . I know you had to be there . . . or maybe NOT!

Thursday, 1 December 2011

A tad melancholic

After reading Furtheron's comment on my previous post this afternoon I checked out his blog (still don't know how to have someone's name link to their blog?) where I was reminded of a few musicians I used to love . I still do, I just dont often put music on like I used to. I will one day. Anyway this led me to Bert Jansch and one of my favorite songs of his . . . A tad melancholic but beautiful. For all those troubled young lives.

Bert Jansch led me to Pentangle which, of course, led to Sandy Denny. I couldn't find one of her singing my favourite song of hers "A stranger to himself". But this is also beautiful . . . Maybe a tad melancholic?  Sandy Denny, Melanie and many others wrote the lyrics and music to these songs as well as singing and playing them like they meant something to them . . . which of course they did because they'd written them from experience.

All this talk of melan-choly made me think Melanie and I did find my favourite song of hers. I could go on and on with this . . . but I wont. Though if melancholy be the theme it would be awfully rude not to include the great Mr. Cohen wouldn't it?  If I manage to choose one from so so many favourites before I fall asleep I will post it. If, by the remotest chance, any one reading this does happen to listen to and enjoy all three, maybe four tracks. Or even already know and love them. I would love to know. Thanks.
ps. just noticed grammar errors from 2 am - melancholic

The chicken or the egg?

The chicken or the egg being . . . Menopause or celibacy? No wonder only 3 of my "followers" are men.
So I ask myself, After the birth of Hamper G at 44 when I was thoroughly exhausted, recovering from a Caesarean, pleurisy, pneumonia and still trying to maintain habit + methadone. I lost my libido (surprise, surprise!). I didn't make any effort to get it back. It didn't bother me in the least. After 32 years of being constantly sexually active I was quite glad of a break. So that's where the celibacy started  . . . 2 years later (ish) periods started to be irregular and last January was my first month of "hot flushes". Gradual weight gain of 2 stone (!) over 18 months. Second month of hot flushes at the minute. The menopause has definitely kicked in. Was it due to lack of sex?
Is it a case of "use it or lose it"? As in, after 2 years of  not "using it" did my body/brain think ok there's no need to carry on this reproductive milarky any more. Of course age has much to do with it. I'm not suggesting if someone is celibate at 20 they will hit the menopause. Did the on-set of the menopause (un-known to me at the time) cause the drop in libido etc. Or did the lack of sex/libido (at my age, due to illness etc. ) kick start the menopause? I suppose it matters not really. I just wondered. Whichever way, I don't like this menopause shit . . I don't suppose anybody does. Apart from no more periods. It's a high price to pay though. I hate the shape I have become . . . slow metabolism I'm informed. I'm not eating any more than I did or moving any less. No blood test results yet so don't know if it's the cause of hair loss but I suspect it is. It's my brain telling my body I don't need to be attractive anymore . . . which would make sense. You dont need that long thick hair, or a waist and some more whiskers on your chin wont hurt! How cruel is that?  Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me there are women enjoying out there at 50+ enjoying good sex lifes (I don't want details :-) with youthful ok, shapely bodies (apart from Madonna - I mean average women). Whenever I say I'm gonna work out, lose weight and get my shape back -  I get told it wont happen "It's your age". Is this true?. I'm not bothered if I never have sex again -  but I would like to look like it could happen if I wanted it to ;-)
Maybe none of this should matter. Maybe it wont when I've got used to it. Maybe it's just the transition. Early days. The plus side is both times I've had a month of  hot flushes it has been winter. Running out into the freezing cold morning, throwing off my dressing gown has been heaven. Big wow.

Ps. Who spies on these blogs? . . . Just as I'm editing now, an advert comes up at the side for a wrinkle cream that "made a 53 yr old woman look 30!!" . . . Of course it did. I might have lost libido, waist, hair and teeth . . . But I've still got most of my marbles.