Thursday, 14 February 2013

Dance me to the end of love



OK, Happy Valentine's Day.

There's so much more to say but each time I come here, I don't know what to say . . .

My therapist says I'm an expert avoider and I think that she is spot on. Avoid, avoid, avoid. A void.
I avoided opening a letter from benefits for two days. That could have been a very foolish idea. As it was, it was only to inform me of a £1 a week increase in my payments.
I avoided leaving the house, successfully, from Sunday to Wednesday. Very good, yes, well done.
I've even avoided my own Blog . . .

And the Phobia . . . Well, that represents all manner of matters . . . If I can avoid "that object" (object of my phobia), then all will be fine, which of course it won't and it's not . . . 

But that is, I'm learning, part of my reasoning. This makes sense to me

And the Addiction . . . Well, that helps me to avoid all uncomfortable, or comfortable, feelings. And if I don't "feel" then everything will be fine, which of course it won't and it's not . . .
And it's really not.

I've become a little wary of telling too much truth, which is a shame.  I don't want to have to be cryptic, but I can't be specific either. Shall we say, I'm a bit beyond fighting at present. I know you will know what I mean.

I swing between hope and despair. Hope, usually as I leave the therapist; Yes I can do this. I can beat this fear. That's all it is. Fear. Everything that is wrong with my life is born of fear. Despair; There are so many fears, so much fear, so deeply rooted. I will give up when the going gets tough, which it will.

Well, that's just some of it.

It's half-term and Hamper G is reminding me that we're cleaning the hamsters out today . . . O yeah, so we are.
Her Dad is still being held as a "Foreign National/Civil Prisoner" . . .  This is an utter nonsense. He was born in Glasgow . . . But what can one do against the powers that be?  What about the Truth? No.

So here's to Love and Truth on Valentine's Day. I am still reading your Blogs. I comment and delete, comment and delete. Thinking often of you all with love. Thanks, as always x


30 comments:

  1. Happy Valentines Day! You included hope...that says a lot my dear. I enjoy your posts even if they are sparse. Have a wonderful day!

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    1. Thanks Sheri, Yes, I'm amazed at how hopeful I feel some days and as much as I try to keep a grip on that hope, it can be a slippery friend. When it does slip away, I can barely remember it's name.
      Hope your Valentine's day is filled with love x

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      Saya sangat bersyukur atas rahmat yg diberikan kepada saya dibulan ini karna alhamdulillah melalui MBAH RAWA GUMPALA saya sekaran sudah bisa sukses atas nomor yg diberikan kepada saya dan saya yg dulunya cuma seorang TKW dari singapur yg gajinya tidak pernah mencukupi kebutuhan keluarga saya dikampun dan alhamdulillah berkat bantuan MBAH RAWA GUMALA kini saya sudah bisa pulang kampun,saya bersama keluarga dikampun sudah punya usaha sendiri dan saya tidak pernah menyanka kalau saya bisah seperti ini,jika anda ingin seperti saya silahkan hubungi MBAH RAWA GUMPALA di nomor 085-316-106-111...karna alhamdulillah saya menan nomor togel dari MBAH dan kalau uang indonesia 750 juta,,ini bukan rekayasa dari saya dari IBU RISKA.untuk lebih lenkapnya silahkan buka SITUS MBAH RAWA GUMPALA

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  2. Hiya mate, avoidance comes so naturaly doesn't it ! Everynight I go to bed with nothing but positive & pro-active ambitions but in the morning they seem like some long lost dream.
    So let's live for today and stop wishing our dreams weren't so far away. XX

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    1. Hi Karl, O I can relate to that one. Part of my CBT involves writing plans/ideas for my next day/week . . . And then writing up what I actually did the next day/week. Well, you can imagine the difference between the two. That difference is what I'm working on, and the less the difference becomes, the nearer the dreams are to reality.
      Hope things are good in your life x x

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  3. I hate that you have to censor yourself. I love your honesty and wit and how brave you are.

    But no matter what, it makes me happy when I see a post from you so try not to avoid writing...you're really, really good at it.

    Happy Valentines Day! XXOO

    Sherry

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    1. Hi Sherry . . . Yeah, I've taken some time over this, to rule out paranoia and not jump to conclusions. But "random" questions, that stick out like a sore thumb have been casually, (but not casually enough) thrown in amongst more relevant questions by both my Therapist and Drugs worker. I am working on how to approach this and expect honesty from them. Trust has to be mutual.
      I almost don't mind losing trust with my Drugs worker; we were never working on anything and although I had opened up completely to her, I can, and will, soon change that. But I need to trust my therapist and I hope she will be honest with me. We'll see.
      Thanks for your encouragement Sherry and I hope you found a way to celebrate Valentine's Day (!). . . I did; A late pancake an an early easter egg!! Way too much sugar.
      Sending love x x

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  4. I think it is tremendous that you are working on these things. You are a sort of inspiration to me, you know.
    Bless, sweetie.

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    1. Thanks Ms Moon, I think it could be my best chance at change, change being my best chance at a life bound neither by fear nor addiction.
      Thinking of you today, rolling out that dough with Owen, Gibson smiling along somewhere and all that Love x x

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  5. Hugs, Lovey! Don't give up that hope my friend. Never forget, you're not alone, we are always here for you.

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    1. Thanks Lovey, I'm all cuddled up with my new Valentine . . . A beautiful ginger and white cat who decided to move in with us this week. I just tried to upload photos of him but my laptop is not recognising camera/phone (again!). I'll try again tomorrow, he is so soft and affectionate. A real blessing.
      Sending you love and hugs x x x

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  6. Hi Bugerlugs! I did find your reply to the comment I left on your last post and I was so happy to find your post in my feed today. I think of you often...at least once a day and wonder how things are going for you. I do understand your fears in regards to sharing too much. I've experienced that myself. I used to be so honest on my blog...and then I would get worried emails from my mother-in-law. Why I ever shared my blog address with her, I don't know...mistakes, I seem to have a knack for making them. I started a new blog but am being much more guarded and now thinking maybe I should also have another one where I can be completely honest.

    Happy Valentine's Day to you! I hope you will continue to share as much as you're comfortable with here. Whatever you write, I'll be reading... and although I know it's difficult, please try to see yourself the way we do - Brave, Inspiring, Honest, Beautiful...

    xx

    jj

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    1. Hi JJ, I'm pleased you found the reply, it was so good to hear from you, I do miss your Blog with your photos and drawings and honesty. I wonder how your little man has taken to pre-school, bless him.
      I hope you and The Captain had a good Valentine's Day and that life is good. Thanks for such sweet words of encouragement JJ and thanks for still being here. I hope you Blog again, one day x x

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    1. How appropriate for Saint Valentine's Day . . . A Diamond Titanium Ring, O go on then.

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  8. Oh- we saw Cohen again in December. He does an amazing show for an old guy. And Dance me to the end of love is always on the bill.

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    1. I'm so jealous. I've never seen him Jeannie but, as you know, I'm a great fan of his. Maybe one day I'll get to see him. I should imagine he does many amazing things for an old guy. I wish my jowls and "downward mouth lines" suited me so well!
      I've been wondering how you are and Gary, Dex, Macy . . . Hope life is good Jeannie x x

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  9. Happy Valentine's Day...

    avoiding - hmm - I do that you know, I wrap it up with posh words like procrastination but it is just old avoiding

    btw - my nick name (esp from my Dad) whilst I was young(er) up until well into my teens was Bugerlugs, been meaning to tell you that for a while.

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    1. Hi Graham, Yes I thought I was procrastinating until I took a closer look and was encouraged to write some facts down . . . which, of course, I avoided for a few weeks!
      I had three phone calls to make this week, mostly to do with financial recovery from Christmas . . . I designated one per day from Wednesday to Friday; so far, so good. It seems like small stuff but I swear they would have been carried forward to next week's "to do list" had I not made a plan and, moreover, made myself stick to that plan! Now that IS progress.
      I reckon Buggerlugs definitely belonged to the previous generation. My Nan used it a lot. Let's keep it alive eh Bugerlugs!?
      I hope you had a love filled Valentine's Day x x

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  10. I am so glad that you are still here and posting...whatever you feel comfortable talking about. However much or little....I just love it when your name appears in my reader. We are all doing the best we can each day. I think there is a lot of room for that here in our blogger world.

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    1. Hi Annette, That was (and will be again) such a big part of what I loved about Blogging. Not being judged, writing about all of it . . . And the thing is, I am so open and honest with these "professionals" that they don't need to come snooping here to try and find out more, there is no more. They only need to ask me for the truth but, as your daughter rightly says, they expect lies and manipulation from us. Now let's see if I get the truth when I ask them.
      I'm glad that you're still here too, reading and writing. Sending much love to you x x

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  11. I am really glad you are back with us! Good or bad, happy or sad it's all O.K with me. Of course good and happy is better.

    I understand fear, my biggest fear was disappointing people, so I was a total people pleaser. Could never bear the thought that anyone might not like me! It sounds stupid when I write it down but what anyone else might say or think about me ruled my life for ages. Honesty with myself, my feelings and others set me free. So keep just being honest with others, but especially yourself, and hopefully you too will be free from fear eventually. And keep writing it all out. We are listening/reading, not judging.

    Love to you, Laura xxx

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    1. Hi Laura, I can't believe it's almost a week (again!) since I was on my Blog . . . where does the time go? wherever it goes, it goes there fast. It's therapy day tomorrow so I'll hopefully get chance to post an update. I get quite a bit of homework (writing/thinking/planning) with this therapy malarky, so I suppose that's taking up most of my blogging time (evening). Also got a much overdue, or well avoided, chest review tomorrow so that'll be interesting . . .
      I hope all is good with you and yours Laura, sending love to you and hoping I get back here tomorrow x x x

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  12. I'm playing it at top sound level and dancing in my office chair....thankyou !

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    1. YaY!! Another Cohen fan . . . That voice! x

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  13. Just checking in on you....

    Hope you are well, Lovey! xoxoxo

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    1. Thanks Lovey, Yeah, not too bad. CBT tomorrow so I'll hopefully get a chance to update after that session. Hope all's good with you and your family, sending love x x

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  14. Yeah they thought I had "avoidant personality disorder"... the stupid cow who (I do kind of like and she's very intelligent ) but she DID NOT LISTEN because I BECAME avoidant. Never grew up that way. You could say heroin made me that way. Or being a nutter. Or a drug-addled nutter. Whatever .... I hope you had a nice Valentines. I didn't even realize it was Feb 14th until IRISH radio (via Sky) went and wished everyone a happy Valentines on the FIFTEENTH ~ bloody ridiculous ..!!

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  15. I understand the fears as mine is about abandonment and rejection. I knew that I could conquer those fears if I was aware. I like that fear means Face Everything And Recover. So true.

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