Monday, 5 August 2013

Four Months Later . . .

That cursor has been flashing in the top left corner for quite some time now . . . I don't know what to say because there is so much to say . . . and I don't know what not to say.

To those who have been concerned, I feel I owe individual apologies. I want to say I'm so, so sorry, but if I write names, I will surely leave out some and that would not do. I truly am sorry. It must seem like I don't appreciate the love and care . . . to just disappear without a word. I've thought often of you all, going about your lives . . . tending your flowers, gardens, chickens and sheep . . . vegetables, dogs and cats. Befriending pigeons and parrots. Caring for your addicted children, staying strong. Staying alive. Hospitals. Caring for loved ones or unloved ones. Washing their socks. Searching for a vein. Making your music, listening to music. Writing your Blogs . . . or not. Going to your favourite beach and living life, loving life. Loving and enjoying your grandchildren. Teaching your children . . . and other people's children. Sitting by mountain streams and pools, listening to the water, painting the water. Staring out to sea from the harbour or from your boat. Sailing your boat. Building tree houses. Randomly, amongst the chaos, at the strangest of times, you have all entered my mind. I'm eager to catch up with all of your lives and I will.

I wont attempt to cover events since my last post; there has been joy and heartache. My Dad's death made me realise how numbed I was by the anti-depressants. I couldn't access my feelings . . . I know Methadone and Heroin are very effective at numbing emotions but this was on another level. I came home and stopped taking the anti-depressants . . . That was one of my better ideas.

Hamper G's Dad was released from prison in May with no warning and nowhere to stay. Three months later the social housing scheme and probation worker have done nothing to help and he's still here on my floor. This is far from ideal, yet I can't see an alternative. Its complicated. It's way too much to write about, or even think about, just now . . . Suffice to say that having my own space back is number one priority at the moment  . . . number two, would be to cut down my using. I may have to start on number two! He came out of prison clean and for the most part has stayed clean. The longer he stays here the more likely it is that he'll get a habit again.

So, I feel like screaming. I'd happily take a small tent and flee for a week or so but Hamper G and Geekster need me . . . Stropster? another long and complicated story. I'm so tired. I feel sick and tired. I look sick and tired . . . I just am sick and tired. I know that nothing will change unless I make the changes. I will try tomorrow to make one small change.

I think coming here and writing was another of my better ideas. I have to thank you for making me come back. Really, truly, I need to keep coming back and get a grip. Thanks for being here, and staying here and waiting for me. I'm back and I am sorry that I couldn't even come back and write one line to let you know that I was okay. As my therapist said; I'm an expert avoider  . . . I suppose ultimately, avoiding myself and my emotions meant that I had to totally avoid coming here.

I won't dwell on what I've said or worry about what I've not said. I'm glad I've been here and I appreciate you being here. I'm just gonna click on publish and be very grateful that you good folk out there care enough to still be here . . . Thanks. Sending much love to you all.


67 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Hey Mrs D! I read your latest post last night . . . Sweet indeed. I don't know anyone who doesn't struggle with sugar, granted, some more than others!
      Great to see you here, much love and thanks x x x

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  2. I have been thinking about you. Wondering about you. Hoping that you were okay, well, good.
    Write again soon.
    Much love...M

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    1. Ms Moon, So good to see you here. I have often thought about you and your family . . . And Elvis and Baby! and Keith Richards. So much love in Lloyd.
      I'm eager to get over to your Blog today. Much love to you Ms Moon x x x

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  3. I am beyond happy to see you back. Less happy to know that you are struggling, but so very happy to hear from you again. Welcome back. You are loved and have been missed.

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    1. Yay you! Needless to say, every time I'm gardening I think of you and that has been most days this summer! When I think my back aches I think of you and your hundreds of bulbs . . . crawling back to the house. And I cant see a penguin or parrot without thinking about you . . .
      I read last night that SP is having some good days . . . and some bad, I need to come and catch up. I hope you're both having a good day. I've missed you. Much love sent to both of you x x x

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  4. LOVEY!!!!! How the hell are you??!!! I am so happy to see you!!! I am jumping up and down with happiness!! I'm grateful you are blogging. Thank you!!! You are a rock star for not giving up on yourself. Keep going, Lovey. You can do this. Don't forget you're worth it. I've missed you!!

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    1. Lovey!! I thought often about you and Deven,(usually brought to mind by a New York cheesecake or pizza!) wondering how things were/are, it's gonna take me a while to catch up on all these lives!
      It appears that posting here was a step in the right direction . . . I held out all day yesterday until the evening. Today, I'll try again.
      For now, I have to be a Smurf and a hamster on a mission in Hamper G's story! . . .
      I'll pop over to yours as soon as I can, meantime, thanks for being here Lovey, it's so good to hear from you. Sending love to both of you x x x

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  5. I'm so happy to see you posting again, Bugerlugs! Like everyone, I have been worried for you and hoping and praying you were okay. I'm sorry you have been going through so much but blogging, in my opinion, is a good step in sorting out your feelings and maybe even finding some resolution.

    Again, I'm so happy to see you back!!

    Love and hugs to you,

    Summer

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    1. Hi Summer, It certainly was a good step for me to come back here, I did well yesterday . . . despite having money and temptations I held out all day. So, one day at a time again, here we go . . .
      I wonder how your boy is doing, I hope things are good. My boy (18) despite having a good job, car and great friends has got major anger issues. I dare say I'm to blame as most of it is directed at me, but it affects the whole family (as you well know).
      I'd like to sit here and write all day Summer, but I've so much to do. I hope I have time to post later as I could do with some advice from you good folk . . .
      It's good to be back here and I'm so blessed to have such a warm welcome back from so many people. Thanks for being here Summer, love and hugs to you and your boy x x x

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  6. Hugs, love and joy!!!!! So happy to see you out here! Would love to hear about where you've been and what's been happening but I know you'll get to all of that in your own time.

    Just so frickin' glad to see you pop up in my reader.

    Kisses!!!

    Sherry

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    1. Sherry! Bless your heart! . . I don't want to rush these replies so I will come back later and I'll come over to yours . . I've got so much to catch up on!
      Hamper G is hungry, Eddy (the cat) keeps walking across the keyboard, trying to tell me something, I've got heaps to do, you know how it goes.
      I could do with a whole day to just sit and write . . or maybe more! Anyway, that aint happening, so for now I must tear myself away from here.
      I'll be back later, thanks so much for being here Sherry. Hugs and love to you x x x

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  7. Oh your back! I'm so glad. Isn't it wonderful that we all have a safe place to go to, whatever our circumstances, whatever our condition, and we can know that it's just enough to be here and that the readers ( real live people) will circle round and love us right where we are at?
    I've missed you a lot. When you didn't answer my emails, I figured I should step back and let you be...but I kept thinking about you and praying. I'm so glad to see you here again.

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    1. Hi Annette, Just sneaking another ten minutes in between shopping, washing, cooking blah di blah . . .
      I'm sorry I didn't see your emails Annette, I didn't even open my laptop for weeks . . . My head was well and truly buried in the sand. I (temporarily)cancelled my CBT, even contact with my immediate family was minimal. Isolation.
      I've often thought of you though, enjoying your walks in the mountains, either alone or with your family. I hope H is doing well, I really do . . . I know, only too well, how big a part relapsing/lapsing play in recovery.
      But, it's good to be back and you're right; it is wonderful to have this place to come to, where I don't feel any judgement, just warmth and love from people who genuinely care. I'm so glad I came back, thanks for your prayers and I'll be over to yours as soon as I get some free time to catch up with your busy life!
      Thanks for being here Annette and I really am sorry that I didn't see/answer your emails. Sending love and hugs to you x x

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  8. Glad you are able to be back here.

    He you are sick and tired of being sick and tired that is a good place to move forward from.

    Thanks for dropping by mine.

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    1. Hi Graham
      Good to see you again.
      Yes, sick and tired was a good start. I've started fighting at last and things are improving (well, imagine that!).
      Here comes another day . . . I've already said no to myself fifty odd times and it's only half ten! And it's payday.
      You know how it goes. Just for today. Sending love x

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    2. Day at a time. And remember you can restart your day as many times as needed.

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  9. Hallelujah! You're back. I am so thrilled you are alive!! Who would've thought we can form such strong bonds with people we haven't even met. Remember your journey of a thousand steps starts with just the one small step. And you made that step. I am so sorry your life is a mess. All we want is peace and quiet at our age. But you have to keep looking for that peace and quiet, and put yourself first for just a bit every day.

    I never realised your presence back here would make me soooo happy.

    Kia Kaha my friend, love Laura xxx

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    1. O laura, first; I'm sorry, real sorry. I read your messages on my previous post the other day and I felt proper ashamed and realised how selfish I must seem (be!?) for not being in touch . . . I was in some kind of fog and not much was getting through.
      mk,,,,,,,,,,,09w \qAKJJJ (That's Eddy's input)
      I could certainly do with some peace and quiet, sounds like bliss and I will keep on looking. I am suddenly (in the last few days) more aware and taking those first steps towards getting a grip and reminding myself what makes me happy . . .
      It's always quite scary with hindsight to realise just how thick the fog had become.
      So . . . it's quarter to one and I should sleep. It's been an emotional few days . . . turmoil and conflict. Hopefully, I'll get some time, this week, to write and "unconfuse" myself.
      I've thought often about you, prompted by all sorts of things . . . From New Zealand lamb, to campervans :-)
      I'll take another small step tomorrow, for sure.
      It's good to be back Laura and I'm so pleased to hear from you, I hope all's good with you and your family.
      Sending you hugs and love in bucket loads x x x

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  10. I'm glad that you are back, Bugs. I thought about you several times. But I also know how hard it is to lose a parent so I thought that perhaps you were grieving and just not feeling up to writing. I like that you are tired of the way things are going. Maybe it's time for a change and not the same ole' same over and over. I hope so. Welcome back.

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    1. Hi Syd, Good to see you here, and it's good to be back. I've had three good days since I came back; not totally clean, or hassle free . . . but I'm feeling stronger, more positive, and coming back to such warm and caring folk has been a real boost.
      Thanks for being here Syd, with love x

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  11. I hope you keep writing....It has saved my sanity on many occasions. I can write things that make no sense really yet the other Bloggers understand the insanity, no judging, just people who very much care.

    Please keep writing!

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    1. Hi Tori, Yeah I could sit and write for hours these days if I had the time. Writing seems to give some order to my thoughts, rather than the thoughts just going round in circles.
      I hope your Son is staying strong and that you're enjoying some good family time together.
      Sending love and thanks to you Tori x

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  12. So good to see you again. I had hoped it was all good stuff keeping you away. You know the adage: No news is good news. We all do our best and I'm sure you did yours too. I'm an excellent avoider too. (I had to do 4 years business taxes in 30 days so look where it got me - I'm still cleaning up issues related to that fiasco) Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the morphine they gave me in the hospital - it really was the best I ever felt once the gravol kicked in. If I could feel like THAT again, I would probably not want to give it up.

    Hope you come back again soon. If I were to do another purge of my blogroll, you'd be one of about 5 that would survive it.

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    1. Hi Jeannie! I've thought about you many times, and Dexter, Macy and your paintings. Hamper G's Dad discovered a real talent for oil painting during his 3 yrs inside . . unbelievable, he didn't even think he could draw! He's almost finished a portrait of Hamper G that I'll photograph and put on here. I'm hoping he will display it locally and get some orders in, as that would encourage him (and provide a legal income!)
      You know, when I was using twice or three times a week, of an evening, I did question whether I really did want to stop, as I felt I had some kind of control and it wasn't costing too much . . . but it always seems to escalate whilst I'm distracted (blinkered?) and I soon realise who's in control (or who's not) And by then it's a circle of using to numb oneself to the truth and the guilt of using . . .
      Anyway, I'm back. I'm gonna come and read your latest post right now. It's good to hear from you Jeannie, thanks x

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  13. I'm glad you are writing again. I am isolating as well right now but still reading everyone else's words. It's a great form of comfort and helps me think about things. I think of my dad often as I am sure you do. His spirit is always with me and I know he watches over my son just as your dad is watching over you and your family. I think I am going to try to do what you said. Make one small change every day. Thanks for putting the idea in my head!

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    1. Hi Sheri, I keep promising myself I'll write today, but there's so much to do here with the kids off school. At the moment my 6 yr old daughter is having a conversation with the cat and I have to be the cats voice, yes, whilst I'm typing!! very confusing . . .
      I'd love to write out even the events of the past week and get some advice. It's hard trying to keep everyone happy here . . . What makes one happy, upsets another. I can't win.
      But I have managed to not use during the day since I came back here, so that's a positive change. Now I'm gonna start my Spring clean (in Aug!)and hopefully I will get chance to post tonight.
      I hope you make the changes that you need to make. Thanks for being here Sheri, with love x

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  14. I think you're saying a lot less than you want to, but I just hope it works out for you.

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    1. Twisted Scottish Bastard
      You're spot on there! Hopefully I'll get the time to come back soon and say a bit more. A lot has happened here, even in the past week . . .
      I think whatever I write next will be titled "You can't please all of the people, all of the time . . ."
      Thanks for dropping in, good to "see" you x

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  15. Thank you for your kind reply
    Funny how blogging friends worry you sometimes x

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    1. How strange, I was just thinking about you and wondering how you're getting on with 28 more chickens (plus cockerels and chicks!) . . . Then I found myself thinking about the farmer who has passed on all of his chickens and hoping he is ok too.
      I recently found your email/comments John, I'm so sorry I wasn't here to reply. You're a true gentle-man, thankyou for caring x x

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  16. Hiya !! Glad you're ok mate. X

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    1. Cheers Karl, hope you're having a good summer with the boats and sea AND sun! Take care x x

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  17. When eye was looking through blogs on the phone and saw that you'd posted, it made me so happy! Haven't signed in on the computer to say hello yet though. So.. hello! Eye'm not silly enough to think lack of posts means you're dead, wanted you to post but know your situation is difficult, seems selfish to expect you to get on here before you were ready. Eye'm glad you're back. It's cool you decided to drop the medication... there are people who need it, but others just need it for a period of time until equipped to handle life "unfiltered." Eye think that the medical community over medicates people - most don't need psychiatric medication forever, so it's great that you realized it. Hope to hear more from you soon. :)

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    1. H'eye! Good to sees you're back too. I read your recent post the other day, not had chance to comment yet. I'm forever being distracted by kids and the likes! Hey the "I" key on my laptop has gone, so I have to go over this at the end and nsert the "i"s . . Now that wouldn't bother you in the least would it?
      Hope things are ok with you, sounds like it was a hard summer. Sending love x

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  18. so glad you are back to blogging, i have checked many times to see if you had posted and just seen you had when reading just for todays blog, i was like yeah she is back. I am married to a sober alcoholic 7 years sober and an active member of alanon but your story just strikes a chord in me take care my friend xx

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    1. Thanks Debs, I'm trying/hoping to post again soon. So much has happened here in the last week or two; most of it good I'm pleased to say.
      Anyway, good to hear from you, you too, take care x x

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    2. Hello! I have to reply here as the bloody computer won't give me a box to comment in otherwise... Releasing somebody from prison they know has had an unstable life and probably turned to crime (at least partly) through sheer poverty (sorry I can't remember if you said what he did, not that it really matters...) but bloody hell I thought they owed people a bit more than that. And now the government has completely fucked the situation up re 1-bed flats by imposing a bedroom tax on people who were previously happily settled... O when will they stop fucking people up and sort themselves up. O and actually implement a drug policy that is anything more than kneejerk head-in-sand (I mean: saying they were going to almost force all junkies into rehab. I'm presuming he blurted that one out before he knew how much rehab actually costs. AND that most people need at least 4 or 5 goes before they've any hope of success...) I'm glad you're back. Sorry I didn't reply earlier I haven't been around either... I've been writing a story. Very very very very very very very very very slowly indeed... But I AM writing it! ;-)

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    3. Hey Bugerlgs it is December and that post is dated August. Haven't your neighbours turned on their broadband at all in that time? You can get it free down the public library ya know. That's what I'd do. I know you're depressed probably. I am too :-(

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    4. WHERE ARE YOU BUGERLUGS. WISHING YOU A VERY MERRY ONE XXX XXX X

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  19. Ah, there you are; welcome home. Sounds a bit fuck-up-ish for you at the moment. Personally I would HATE to have someone sleeping on my floor if I wasn't 100% happy with it, maybe that should be sorted before anything else. Get your life back for YOU. Whilst we've all probably been enjoying summer et al, we've all been thinking of you too. Stay strong for yourself. Cro xx

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    1. Cro, yeah it was (a bit fuck-up-ish) to say the least. Most things have improved since then. Hopefully I'll get a chance to post soon; kids are back to school next week . . . Yes!!
      I've searched through your posts (from March through to now) and can't find any photos of the treehouse. Do you know roughly when it was posted please? Thanks x

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  20. Still thinking of you. Just reading your comments about not being able to please all the people all the time! I can relate to that. Both my adult children have moved back home to save money while they are between flats! But it's been 4 months now!!! Once a mother......

    And now my boyfriend is moaning that I don't have enough time for him anymore. Seriously!! I would just love some time for myself.

    Hang in there my friend, Laura xxx

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    1. Ah yes Laura, motherhood! Stropster's moving out in two weeks (well, that's his plan). Hamper G's Dad has been given temp accommodation in a hotel in the nearby city; not the best place for him to be at the moment, but I really had to consider what was left of my sanity and be strong (harsh). It was driving me crazy trying to keep them all happy and my stomach was in knots.
      So, things are much calmer and it's back to school next week :-) I'm feeling strangely optimistic . . . I know I've said this before AND it is a full moon, but let's hope that this really is the start of something good.
      Make some time for yourself Laura. Run away for a day!
      Good to hear from you, thinking of you often, with love x x x

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  21. you been through a lot.You needed time out.I'm glad you r getting good ideas.I think you have inner strength.A force or logic that keeps you safe.
    Peace love and only the best things for you.love xoxoxo

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  22. For me, when I most need to blog the more likely I am to stay away. Sometimes it is just too raw to write it all down. Sometimes you know writing it all down doesn't help anyway. But, sometimes it does. At least it keeps you connected and to feel a little less alone.

    So, write on!

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  23. Hi there... hoping you are ok and look forward to seeing more on here...

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  24. Every time I've had a life changing event, I've (as many southern women do) "taken to my bed." It is just time to let what's happened and it's magnitude sink in on many, many layers. I've been a little absent lately, myself. But writing is so therapeutic. Losing a parent is so life changing. For me, it caused me to examine, even more closely, who I am. I started to ask the questions, who did God make me to be minus all of the labels (daughter, wife, employee). It's a fun exploration if done with compassionate curiosity. Give it a try. Glad you are back.

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  25. Quick note to say hi.. and wish you well

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  26. Glad to see you are still alive and kicking through Gledwoods page!!! Just push publish! No judgemental rants from me. (Or from any of your other readers, I'm sure). It's just nice to hear that you're o.k. xx
    Laura

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  27. Glad to see you posting again. I did the same thing. I stopped writing since sometime in August and it made me how important my daily writing is to me. Sounds like you have your hands full, but you are making it one day at a time. That's all you can do right now. Just keep on keepin' on....God Bless....

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  28. happy xmas my friend! Hope you are still getting on and nothing bad is going on. I miss your insights.

    Love kiwigirl (Laura)

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  29. Just wanted to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.Hope all is well or at least well enough.

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  30. Just a note to say hi! Hope you are well...I think about you often.

    Take care...

    Sherry

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  31. Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you, Lovey. I hope all is well. xoxo

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  32. 6 monts is so long.Just tell us your ok.luv you.

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  33. Hi ... thought I'd drop by say hello and hope you might drop a post on here telling us how you are.

    Hoping all well in your world

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  34. Man!! I still miss you xx
    Laura

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  35. Missing you. Drop us a line to tell us how you are. Hugs.

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  36. Can you let me know you are ok

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  37. Hope things are ok for you - looks like you continue to have a following! I also quit blogging but no one noticed. Ah well. I don't check blogs often any more but I thought I'd see what's going on in the world I was once a part of. Take care of yourself!

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  38. Hey Bugs, I've been thinking about you and really hope your doing okay. Update one of these days, okay? I miss you!

    Keeping you in my prayers, always...

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  39. Always thinking of you and hoping that you are well.

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