Sunday 22 March 2015

I'm a mess

I'm a mess.

There, I've said it. I really am an utter mess. Along with my house, that's an utter mess too. And my hair, and teeth. And lungs, well that's a whole post in itself. In fact every sentence contained in this initial post could possibly be a whole post in itself. Okay, maybe not my hair, unless it was one of those blogs, which its not.

I have so much I want to write about. I'm not sure where to start, but I'm determined to make a start. Connecting with you good, non-judgemental folk really helped me in the past. Being brutally honest with myself and you, helped. Just having to think enough to write helped really ... So, here goes.

It's sunny and warm out there, Spring is here for sure and I'm not ready. Its far easier to hide in the Winter; hoods up, gloves and boots, scarf around the face, head down against the wind. I feel like I'm about to be exposed. I am. People are out there mowing lawns and stuff... Normal stuff doing normal people ... Ha! Or vice-versa (a genuine mistake) I know, I know, what's normal and all that... but you know what I mean. Normal is what 90% of the street are doing on this sunny Sunday afternoon. I don't think I can even pretend normal anymore. The garden is a mess too. Fuck, this is all a bit depressing but I gotta start with the truth. Maybe not the whole of it, I would be here for days.

Lets throw a positive note in here, I have stopped smoking (cigarettes)... Okay, that's a lie. I have almost stopped smoking. I'm using nicotine patches and have cut right back to maybe two small, teeny weeny roll ups a day ... maybe three. Definitely not fifteen or twenty, as was the case. So, that's good eh. I'm teaching Geekster and Hamper G to play the piano, which has forced me back to the piano, another positive.

Hamper G (8) is begging me to take her to the park... This is my worst nightmare, maybe not my very worst, but certainly one of them. This is me about to be exposed. I only have a pair of very furry, very warm Ugg boots, I cant go out in those today! O God, I can't face it, it will be packed out with normality ... Normal families in their brand new, normal spring outfits, that they have been itching to wear ... Am I mad?

And yet, I can't say no... "How long now Mum?".. "C'mon Mum, you need some fresh air" Do I? The sweat is prickling on my nose just thinking about it. O Lord. I haven't got time to edit or mess around with this. I will be back for sure, as soon as I possibly can.

I have missed you all. I could happily sit here and write all day. I am being dragged away. Mentally, I am kicking and screaming. I hope its not too warm  out there for a jumper, at the very least. I am scared but I'm going. Exposure therapy!

Thank you for being here. I love you all.

29 comments:

  1. It's good to hear from you..!
    hope you feel better soon
    I've found that writing helps me too

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Dawna, Im pretty sure writing and connecting with people is going to help... In fact, it already has. That's a good start!

      Delete
    2. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

      Delete
  2. It is WONDERFUL to see you pop up in my reader again. Definitely not wonderful to hear you are struggling. Again. Still.
    WONDERFUL to hear that you haven't given up.
    Hugs and love. Oceans of love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yay!... And its WONDERFUL to see you pop up here too. I'm sorry I didn't get as far as replying to comments on Geekster's post (bless him!), but, I can assure you, they were much appreciated and I have read them several times over. It feels SO good to be back and I already feel more positive. I managed to stay at the park for over an hour and came straight back here to my Blog, I was thrilled to see comments!
      There were hundreds of tulips and daffodils at the park; as always, I thought of you ordering them from the catalogue, and then planting them all. Such hard work.
      I hope you and the SP are keeping well, I'll be over to your Blog soon to catch up. Thank you for being here, sending hugs and love to both of you.

      Delete
  3. You are not going to believe this but yesterday I moved all of my feeds to a new feedreader so that I can get all my blog posts in one place and in a timely manner. Anyway, when I got to your blog I almost deleted it and then I thought, "I'll never delete her blog...she may come back and I want to always be here for her."

    And OMG here you are! I am so glad to see you writing. I hope that we can help. I want you to find your peace.

    Hugs and loads of love,
    Sherry

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sherry, I'm so glad you didn't delete me. Looking back through my last few posts today, I noticed its been two years (to the day, how bizarre!) that my dad died and I stopped writing .. Two years! that's a long time.
      I hope I can find my peace too ... I'm certainly gonna start putting some effort into the search. I totally lost focus there for two years.. Two years! I cant believe its been so long.
      Thanks again Sherry for keeping me on your list and for being here today. I hope all is well with you and yours. Hugs and love

      Delete
  4. Bugerlugs! I'm so happy to see you writing again! No matter what your going through, you have an extended family with all of us. :-)

    Missed you! Sending love and hugs your way,

    Summer

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Summer, So good to see you here. I don't get to talk so openly and honestly with any of my actual family, or even with my drugs worker. I had forgotten how much all of this helped me, until today. I'm so glad I just wrote something and posted it.
      I hope you are okay and I so hope your boy is doing well...I will come and check your Blog soon. Hugs and love to you too Summer x

      Delete
  5. A big virtual hug!!! If I could wrap you up in my actual arms I would. So glad you are back, remember every journey starts with that small step. I try to be thankful for one thing a day, and you are my 'thing' today xx
    Laura aka kiwigirl, I missed your presence more than I thought possible. Welcome back to us all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. O Laura.. I have felt so bad for not getting in touch with you. I still do. I know that you genuinely care and all I can say is sorry lovey, really I am sorry. I just hide away, avoiding it all, avoiding having to deal with any of it .. I couldn't even bear to cone back here and read other blogs until a week ago. Even when Geekster posted I didn't want to see my actual blog page on his phone screen... It all made me feel so sad, for what I'd had, and what I thought I'd thrown away.. I'm lucky that there are still a few people here. A few real good, caring people, and I am so grateful for that.
      I am so struggling and beginning to think I will never beat this damn thing... I wrote a post last night, that I will finish later, its a bit grim, but its the truth... I honestly don't know what it will take for me to do this...
      Anyway, meantime, I will keep on writing and connecting with you good folk. However bad it gets, I will force myself to come here and be honest.
      I can only keep on trying, one day it could happen.
      Thanks so much for still being here Laura, it means a lot to me. You people are the only people I talk to, other than my Mum, and I don't involve her in this misery.
      There are. fortunately, some good things going on in my life too, mainly surrounding the kids and I will share those too... but, for the moment, I'm trying to get a grip on why I cant get a grip.
      Love and hugs and thanks, flying across to you right now x x

      Delete
    2. When I go through bad times, one of my mantras is to be completely honest and to start with myself, so, so glad you can be honest with yourself and with us. Laura xx

      Delete
  6. Oh your back! Back here with all of us who care so much for you and are so happy to see your name pop up! Keep writing....the path will reveal itself as you write it out day by day. ❤️ I'm so happy you are here with us again!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Annette, I cant even work out why I was away for two years. I thought often of you and your girl and of other people here and I just couldn't get back, even though I knew it would help... But as you know, having dealt with this wretched addiction, isolation is one of heroin's (addiction's) biggest friends. Like an abusive partner,
      it knows that the less people you talk to, the less likely you are to get help.
      You are the few people I have in my life who genuinely do care, and as i said to Laura, I am so grateful that you are still here.
      I hope and pray that I can make some changes this time, I will keep writing and connecting, its already helping.
      Thanks for being here today Annette, sending love and hugs to you x x

      Delete
  7. So pleased to see something pop up from you.

    Good luck with the journey. I felt so sorry for you when you lost your Dad - these things hurt.

    Sunday I was out digging in the dirt (queue Peter Gabriel soundtrack) getting a new flower bed ready to plant out some new shrubs and things. WTF!!! Where did all this normality come from. Funny thing is back in the dark dark days I never wanted all this, dismissed it all and thought all the normal people were crazy. Then I got well - came slowly out of the dark tunnel and now I find myself doing this stuff because I actually enjoy it to a point and I'm not doing it to impress anyone where I thought that was all the others did and I desperately wanted to impress them in some fashion.... weird isn't it.

    Good luck with the exposure - I hope you'll soon find that you don't consider it that and find a happy place with it.

    Take care!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just posted a reply to you Graham and it disappeared :-( Oh!
      Well, its good to hear from you, so many bloggers from my reading list seem to have stopped writing.
      I enjoyed gardening a few years ago and I really hope I will get back into it ...
      I hope you and your family are well Graham, I look forward to catching up on your blog. Lets hope this reply gets posted. You too, take care and thanks for being here.

      Delete
  8. Glad you are back. Keep writing. And, read what you wrote but pretend you are reading the writing of someone that you know and care a lot about. Give the compassion to yourself and your writing that you would give to them. Keep moving forward!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Don't go away again, tell me just one positive thing that happened to you this past week.
    Laura x

    ReplyDelete
  10. I have missed you, my friend. I understand wanting to isolate because I have to work on that just about every day. And once I make myself get out there, I feel much better. I can piddle around the house and be at the barn and all seems good. It is when I have the old feeling of rejection that I pull back. It's all in my head. It really is. I project like crazy at times. I will share with you what my old sponsor told me--When I get busy, I get better.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I have missed you, my friend. I understand wanting to isolate because I have to work on that just about every day. And once I make myself get out there, I feel much better. I can piddle around the house and be at the barn and all seems good. It is when I have the old feeling of rejection that I pull back. It's all in my head. It really is. I project like crazy at times. I will share with you what my old sponsor told me--When I get busy, I get better.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Don't you drift away again!!! Tell me one thing you did today??
    Feel free to e-mail me if you like @ kiwigirl0310@gmail.com
    I will answer you, and help in any way I can xx

    Laura

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hey Bugerlugs,
    I remember when I was homeless and first started reading your blog it gave me comfort that here was someone else with kids about the age of mine with similar issues and that made me feel less alone.
    I hope you come back and post again soon. I can't seem to.work out how to follow you so your posts come up in my feed- doh! I'm sure I had already done so but...me and technology don't mix...
    I've avoided a lot of things- I put them off and put them off and hope they'll go away...I avoid and avoid...but yeah reaching out does help. You have some great support here: I'm glad.
    Love&hugs,
    Vee X

    ReplyDelete
  14. Just checking...I think about you often. Praying you are well but even if you aren't, know that you are loved.

    Sherry

    ReplyDelete
  15. Getting out and interacting is probably the best thing you can do; and don't worry, people won't judge you by what you are wearing, unless they're complete plonkers, and you wouldn't want to know those people anyway.

    Do you have a dog? A small-ish scruffy dog is the best way to meet people. They just can't stop themselves from stroking and chatting. Just an idea.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Still thinking of you, and checking in......

    Laura

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hey bugerlugs63,
    I wrote a blog for ages and then fucked it off when I got sick of it and then started again and then got rid of it again. Then I started again and - long story short, I am typing here now.

    It's not about judgement or whatever - it's about bouncing back and reaching out and it's there for you when you are ready - it's *precious* and you can really cherish it just by deciding to come back.

    thanks
    Bren

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thought I'd check in again. Even if you don't write, have geekster check in and tell us you're okay. Remember you are loved.

    Sherry

    ReplyDelete
  19. What happened babe?? Are you alive and kicking?
    Laura

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hey there! Been away myself but nobody leaves comments for me so I am not missed like you. Hope you are taking care of yourself and beating down the demons and just too busy with life to get back here.

    ReplyDelete