I have started many posts and this is already beginning to feel like another one of those. Well, I suppose it will be as I'm going to be totally honest, as I have been in the drafts, but hopefully the difference will be that this one gets published.
Firstly, I won't stop Blogging. Even if I only continue to write my past story with updates, I will at least do that. When things are not going so good, I feel that, as much as writing can sometimes help to sort out the mess, putting it out here might look like I'm looking for sympathy . . . I'm not. Also, although this feels like some wretched deadly disease to me, I do have my physical health, and many more things, to be grateful for. I am all too aware that life could be much much worse . . . and that tends to make me feel a little selfish, griping on about this addiction that, after all, is in a way, self-inflicted . . . But, gripe I will!
I woke at 5.30 this morning and had a massive reality check. One of those huge ones where all the negativity and worries of my life came flooding over me like some fucking tidal wave . . . I lay there almost paralysed with fear as each aspect hit me like a bullet, sending me cringing further and further down under the quilt. Ouch. Sometimes it's all too much.
Then, in the aftermath, I lay there thinking about the lighter things in life; paying for bills, buying Christmas presents blah di blah and as I focused on these things, in the back of my mind somewhere deep under these thoughts I felt my hands typing a phrase. I was gradually falling back to sleep so this was part dream but I was also awake and thinking. I had no idea what my hands had typed, this was totally on a sub-conscious level as lists of toys and bills went though my conscience . . . I looked at a screen where I had "typed" . . . I heard, saw and felt the words loudly over, and over, with a certain rhythm.
"You can not control me" . . . and, of course, I can't.
This shook me away from my more lighter worries and it hit me, more than ever, maybe for the first time ever . . . that I can not control this addiction. I just can't. I'm so so fed up to the back fucking teeth of it. So utterly pissed off with my own bullshit of "tomorrow will be better" . . . Why do I even try to kid myself that tomorrow will be any different, it won't. That I might just have the strength to say no tomorrow . . . I don't think so.
I do feel bad even posting this, but this is my truth, how I feel. I could write on and on about how stuck I feel, how trapped and totally out of control I feel and I might just do that later . . . but for now this is just to say; I'm here. I'm still reading all of your Blogs. I sometimes just can't comment.
I will just say the kids are all fine. They enjoyed Halloween, decorated cup-cakes for "trick or treaters",
On the surface, life looks normal. In my head, it's a very different story.
Thanks for reading and still being here. Really, I do appreciate every single one of you. Love to all x x x
I'll try and get some photos here of Hamper G as a witch, and maybe one of our final (?) baby hamster . . . he's so cute and he wasn't part of a litter, just a one off, luckily!
Ps. I'm so sorry for causing any worry. I will reply to the comments on my previous post. I really do, foolishly, underestimate how much folk really do care . . . I truly am sorry.
Cute witch - not sure that quiet the look a witch should be going for though... just not scary enough ;-)
ReplyDeleteI know your pain - my last year of madness was that total out of control time of trying desperately to control the addiction (by definition you can't. Can you?)
The early morning (and at other times of the day) onslaught of fear is an occasional returnee to the field these days too - panic about work or this or that, lie there awake 4am, 5am, 6am get up and face the day... these days at least I don't need a drink to fix that worry.
Good luck
I know some very beautiful witches.
DeleteI totally accept that I have no control, either over the addiction or the fear . . . and where that leaves me, I'm not too sure. Only sure that I don't want to be here.
Thanks for still being here x
Ohhh B-lugs, I honestly feel your pain. It probably won't help but i know how it is to feel stuck, trapped and out of control. Feeling like the addiction is more powerful than you ... and winning. But I believe you've got this. Don't give up trying and don't give up hope luv, because then it will have won.
ReplyDelete"You can not control me": I interpreted this as YOU telling the ADDICT that it can't control you. That YOU'RE the one in charge. If the addict was winning you wouldn't be struggling, you'd just be using. You're fighting back though and asserting your strength.
I believe in you matey and send you a big bear hug and lots of love today.
Imogen
ps: Omg Hamper G is gorgeous!!!
Hi Imogen, Thanks for your encouraging words and bear hug. I don't feel as though I'm putting up much of a fight really . . . I'm not sure where the fighter within is hiding. I can only hope to find that spirit and strength again, I will keep loooking for sure.
DeleteThanks for believing in me, this really means a lot to me. Sending much love to you Imogen x x
You and I- we have so much in common. I know those dark-of-the-night moments. Hours. Whatever.
ReplyDeleteOh honey. We have to just live through the despair and trust that our better natures will come through. Your children are beautiful. You do so much RIGHT. Okay?
Glad you're writing. It does help. It does.
Thanks for your words Ms Moon, and thanks for reminding me that I do right most of the time because I do lose sight of that sometimes.
DeleteWhat a battle eh. I'm glad I wrote this post and stopped isolating myself . . . that's never a good idea.
Thanks for being here, with love x
Your "griping" doesn't bother me - your struggle with addiction is very much the same as my wanting to be rid of the fat - self inflicted to a great extent (although the whys of our bad choices are perhaps not so much) Life is frustrating. But don't give up. Others have beat addiction (and weight gain) - often "failing" many times before winning. Maybe we should just call the unsuccessful attempts "practise".
ReplyDeleteBut your Hamper G is adorable. And your little Hamster too although I think I prefer the kid - I have too many critters around to crave any more.
Your cupcakes look fabulous!
Hi Jeannie,
DeleteWell, yes, I've put in a lot of "practise" recently. I wont give up trying, I remember this time last year when I couldn't imagine one day clean .. . and here I am again, hoping that one morning I will find that extra bit of fight that's needed.
Meantime, I'll try and make the most of all the good things and have an occasional gripe!
Much love sent to you x x x
Oh Bugs, I am so happy to see your post this morning-I've missed you! Girlfriend, you gripe all you want...it is, after all, your blog. I totally get where you're at. I don't know if blogging helps me or annoys the crap out of me but it's good to get the garbage out and sometimes someone leaves a comment that really helps me put everything into perspective. In the end, it always seems worth it.
ReplyDeleteI totally get the anxiety. I wake up each morning almost terrified to get out of bed for fear of what the day might bring. And lately, it hasn't been much of anything good. Addiction sucks...whether you're the addict or just love one. Sometimes life in general sucks. But sometimes it can really knock your socks off in a good way. That's what keeps me getting out of bed....the hope for that one good thing. Not sure why I'm telling you this other than to remind you that you are not alone. I hope that helps a little anyway.
The cupcakes are super cute and look delicious. And, you know, I simply adore little Hamper G. The hamster is pretty cute, too. :-)My son once had a baby mouse-oh, he was the sweetest little thing.
Thinking of you and sending lots of love!
Hi Summer,
DeleteYes, it does help to be reminded that I'm not alone. In fact it has helped me to feel slightly more positive by just off-loading here . . . And certainly getting so many supportive and understanding comments has made me feel much less alone, as I do tend to isloate in real life.
Thanks for being here Summer, much love sent to you x
Tomorrow can be better if you want it to be. You just have to REALLY REALLY want it ! X
ReplyDeleteHi Karl . . . Well I feel as though I do really really wanit . . . but wantin it doesn't seem to be enough.
DeleteMaybe I don't really want it then?
Thanks for reading Karl x
Yes, just wanting to stop is not enough. You have to want it, act upon it and have faith in yourself. You have achieved it before and you can achieve it again. Believe in yourself, because when you do anything is possible. Besides, the gear is so shite at present if you took an extra 10-20ml of meth it would more than cover your on top usage. It's habit & ritual that keeps you on this path of self destruction, I believe you can overcome this but only if you believe you can too.
DeleteKeep the faith Bugerlugs. X
Addiction is an illness in its own right. And anyone who has had any experience of any type of addiction, will know how hard it is and how hard it can be to break. Dont be so tough on yourself. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe the addiction wont be any better, but perhaps the outlook will. Baby steps, dont try to conquer the world in one day.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your encouragement Kim . . . I always feel so bad moaning when I think of all that you go through.
DeleteI just read your latest post, I didn't comment yet as I wanted to write some replies here but I will pop back in the morning. Stay strong, thinking often of you, with love x
It's not my job to judge you...it's just my job to be your friend and that means unconditional love and support...no matter where you are in your life. Please don't stop blogging. No matter what you have to say I love hearing from you. I will be out here to listen and give you strength whenever you need it.
ReplyDeletePlus...I need the next Eliza installment. ;-)
Love and hugs,
Sherry
Hi Sherry, I won't stop blogging, no way. I already felt my spirits lifting when I read so many caring and understanding comments, I do appreciate them all.
DeleteAnd yes, speaking of Eliza, I'm almost done with the next installment . . . And have found some corresponding photos to go with it ;-)
Sending love and hugs to you too Sherry x x
Di
ReplyDeletethe paralizing sadness will pass.
There are times we feel stuck and may be we need that for a little bit.
Gradually some thing in life picks us up by the tail and gives us a different prespective.
Happiness does not all ways come naturaly.Some times we have to practise long & hard at it and some time it will feel natural.
God will lift up that curtain over your life and get you back into feeling alive and vital and all those good things that seem so un-obtainable at the moment.
Tomorrow can be the best day of our lives.
XoXoXo.You know your awful easy to bond with?You got some thing special & precious.Sending nothing but the best of intentions to you.I love you very muchXoX
Bev, You have a great way with words, I've read this over and over, bless your heart.
DeleteI hope you read Laura's commenmt (Anonymous) - three comments below this one . . She's right, you are indeed special. You're also unique, loved and appreciated.
All good things sent your way, take care x x x
ps. Hamper G is adorable in the costume.Prettiest witch I ever seen ;D
ReplyDeleteAh Thanks ;-)
DeleteMy Lovey!! There you are! So happy to see you and Hamper G looks just to cute for words!
ReplyDeleteIt's true isn't it? - It's always darkest before the dawn. Our darkest thoughts seem to hit us when we are trying to find peace and sleep. We truly are powerless at times and times things become unmanageable. Hang in there and reach out to others who have walked the same path as you, Lovey. They can help get you through. Much love!! xoxoxo
Hi Lovey,
DeleteThanks for being here. I do so wish I could find an n/A that felt right . . . I might have to go back to the local one, I don't know yet . . .
I've kept up with your Blog Lovey, but haven't often had the words to comment. I'm always amazed at how much work you put in to making "things" work . . . Tenacity, is that the word? Maybe I should get me some of that.
Much love sent to you x x
Thanks for posting, just wish you could feel happy/normal again, but I will always be here and will keep reading, hoping and praying.
ReplyDeleteAnd just a word to Bev....You are such a special person. I can't comment at your blog but just want you to know that.
Keep those eyes firmly fixed on the future my friend from Laura
P.S. Yes Hamper-G is adorable.
O Laura, so do I . . . I will try to write some more soon; it does, and has, helped. I seem to have too many things to worry about at present and it gets me down.
DeleteI'm still wondering if these pills are the right decision or not . . . It's hard to know, as I've no idea how I would be without them. Hey Ho.
I do feel a little lighter since I posted though, and certainly since I read so many caring and supportive comments. It really has helped, thanks for encouraging me to come out of hiding ;-)
It's half eleven here and I'm about ready to sleep. Have a wonderful Sunday, much love sent to you Laura x x x
Oh darling, you're turning into me! I'm terrified of posting anything in case it's crap. Difference being, I post all my crap anyway!!! Unless it's on the subject of Complete Delirious Meltdown ~ which I've written about far too much and now avoid.
ReplyDeleteHey do you know when I write about crazy issues, like my body shrinking in the night, not one person can deign to comment. Apart from some drunken Father Ted type character ~~ and any resemblance between him and me is strictly coincidental!
Darling tomorrow is always better. I mean as for the past: don't you want to consign all of it to some Great Karmic Trashcan in the sky? I know I do...
Having said that, I did spent literally YEARS convincing myself that I was somehow going to give up the 'eroin "tomorrow" ~ and if not tomorrow then by the end of next weekend! Then I dropped all that "I'm going to rehab" pretention and accepted I was just a dead-end junkie who'd never ever stop and I was so happier ~ purely in regard to the inevitable cognitive dissonance that comes with being a junkie who wants to stop... But in every other sense, I literally gave up on life and spent every night wishing that I'd never have to wake up in the morning. I mean, why do other people always get to die in their sleep but it never happens to us? I mean me. You're different, you've got kids and that must be SO HARD... You can't even have a nice juicy nervous breakdown without terror of awful repercussions. Ukh, if I were you I don't know what I'd do. What DO you do? How do you survive? I admire you so much.
You could Go Back to NA, I suppose. And thoroughly enjoy winding up that uptight group leader ...
I think if I really were you I'd take up painting and become a great artist!
And write a luscious memoir all about my life and take it to a PROPER PUBLISHER ~~ via a literary agent ~~ and make oodles of lovely lolly. Just remember: "misery memoirs: pain pays!"
Hi Gledwood
DeleteJust came here to reply to the rest of these wondreful, helpful comments . . . And read Anon at the bottom. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it does . . . It's partly due to judgemental twats like that, that I carry on using; narrow minded folk, in this town and elsewhere, who judge and treat me as a junkie whether I'm clean or not.
I've never stolen or even borrowed money for my gear. I know I shouldn't be telling you this, you know all of this and I'm not about to reply to Anon defending myself . . . that would be pointless, that type of person has their bigotted mind well made up from the off.
Sorry, it's put me in a bad mood, as was their intention, no doubt . . .
How I survive? Well I've been up since 6.20am playing lego with Hamper G; I do what I have to do to make the kids as happy, secure and stable as possible. I go round in circles; cleaning, washing, cooking, shopping, playing . . . and then I smoke a bag of an evening. I'm not trying to justify using, because it is still a prison in it's own right and I do want to be clean. I might go back to the local N/A . . . I don't know.
As for the past, no I don't want to trash it all. I didn't use until I was 38 and I have some weird and wonderful memories (pre and post gear) that I enjoy writing about.
I'm being called back to lego again so I'll try and get away with a couple more replies ;-)
Hope you're feeling OK today. Thanks for reading, much love sent to you x x
hEY I replied to Anonymous. I hope I was reprimanding enough
DeleteGledwood, Thanks for defnding me . . . even Geekster got on here and defended me, although I could almost here Anon's response to Geekster in my head (saying that it's not all about the money, but about love and security) . . I spose Geekster doesn't see lack of love/stability being an issue and can only imagine that "bad addict parents" spend all the money on gear, leaving nothing for the kids laptops, tv's, holidays, christmas etc, bless him. I didn't even know he had relpied to Anon.
DeleteThanks again Gledwood for your reply, have a good weekend and take care, with love x x
Hi BugLugs. I really wanted to comment at the end, but constant browser probs mean there's no Clean White Box for me to gabble in so here I am midway through the column.
DeleteI know you're feeling crap, but why don't you do what I do and post in all honesty what's going on. And press "PUBLISH". I guarentee you'll probably cringe the next day the next hour or perhaps as soon as that lovely button is clicked ~~ and of course want to delete what now feels like a pile of steaming turdly self-pitying whingeing crap. But remember what you've posted is a snapshot of emotion, mood and life. And that's what life's all about. What blogs are all about. Because blogging is life. And in some cases like mine a life without blogging would be no life at all (how sad is that?)
Well that's what I do and it's what my blog's all about. Probably explains why compared to you I get barely any comments at all and why nobody loves me but hey! It's what makes my meaningless little world continue to turn ... I mean what else have I...? Very little.
Today I no longer feel my heart is swathed in pack-ice. Man I felt so shyte last week. And when you said you wish you could have shared that bag with me (actually 2 bags as I extracted £20 out of my friend)... it would have been so nice. I wish you lived in London. You are the one single person online who I'd really like to meet in Real Life... How weird is that~~? ;-)
ps: hey I love the multi-storey tower of hammy cages... do robos ever clamber upside down on the bars? I wouldn't know because mine always lived in a tank: I was too terrified of bars because the furry little swines were so very tiny... when I did once try out a Standard Rodent Cage the lil swinelets squeezed right through INSTANTLY, seriously all 3 were struggling right straight through and out on to the carpet and it was QUITE SOME JOB retrieving them!
DeleteHi Gledwood . . . I just did exactly that, posted a right misery of a post about my feelings right now . . . then I checked my comments and read your comment suggesting that I do just that! amazing eh? And you're right, that's exactly what Blogging is about, our lives, the truth, however bleak that may be some days.
DeleteI gotta clean the swines out tomorrow so I'll try and get some photos. Yeah they climb up the bars and across their "ceilings". There are places where they can get through the bars, but for some reason they stay at home.
When I wrote about sharing the bag, I was referring to the one I'd just put on at the time, pretty decent quality for a change ;-) who knows, one day, our paths might cross. I thought of you today as I had my heating on with my notepad out and kept checking the meter to see how much it cost per hour . . . per radiator. Then I turned it off and put a wolly hat on! much cheaper.
Take care, keep warm, we've not come this far to die of hyperthermia (sp?) . . . Hey, we're not even pensioners yet! With love, as always x
Hi Lovely... you might be heading for a point where you are about to make a change... you really might be...if I could bottle superhuman strength mixed with magical heroin-addiction vanishing powder I would bottle up ten million jars and mail them to you. I wouldn't add grace, humility, honestly or love to the mix because you already have those in spades xxxxx
ReplyDeleteThankyou Mrs D, I sincerely hope that I'm heading that way, I really do.
DeleteMeantime, I appreciate your lovely words, they came just at the right time . . . Thanks for being here, sending love and hugs to you x x
Oh Sweet Girl, I am so glad you wrote in. I have missed you a lot around here. We all are powerless, aren't we? So we keep at it, day by day. When we fall we get up and try again. Even if its everyday. Right now I am struggling with my food and weight again. I have gained 5 lbs and I can just feel the lack of control building. I trip and fall in enabling and I have to back my way out of situations when I find myself somewhere that i don't belong. Keep working at it. Keep surrendering your will. Don't give up! Much love to you!
ReplyDeleteHi Annette, I've actually missed being here, but I didn't even realise that until I came back! Writing this post and receiving so much understanding and support (apart from Anon) gave me a real boost and some much needed reassurance.
DeleteI can relate to feeling the lack of control building up . . . almost ignoring it, but knowing that it needs looking at, sooner rather than later, before it builds up some more . . . It is a struggle.
I won't give up trying, or Blogging. Thinking of you and your girl often. Much love sent to both of you x x x
I am beyond happy to see you back. I was one of the many who worried. I sent you one email and was going to send another today. You can't get away from us that easily. We care. We are here in the goddamn shitty times, as well as the times you think you are winning. In fact you are winning each and every day. I have known addicts who couldn't manage personal hygiene, let alone running a household, loving and supporting children and hampsters and the father's of children and us here in the blogosphere.
ReplyDeleteWe are here for you. Got that? Always.
I'm beyond happy to see you here too! I've only just seen the email as I rarely check them. I suppose it's another trick of the addiction, to isolate me . . . to be my "only friend". I'm blessed to have so many kind and thoughtful folk here that do truly care about me. I feel bad for not posting and listening to the lies in my head. I'll always keep trying.
DeleteI've read your words over and over, thankyou for making me feel better about myself, really. I dare say I'll read them again before the day is over. And thanks for always being here . . . I'm being dragged back to lego corner. Much love sent to both of you x x x
"I will just say the kids are all fine."
ReplyDeleteAh, no they're not. Kids are never fine when their "mother" is a junkie and their multiple fathers are either in jail or otherwise not around. Saying you can't control your addiction is a cop out. No one is forcing you to use. You are on methadone and won't even be sick not using. The truth is you want to get high more than you want to be clean. End of story.
Anon: We would pay much more attention to what you have to say if you could come out from behind the anon screen.
DeleteAnon
DeleteFuck you arsehole!
Obviously you have no idea what you are talking about. Have you ever dealt with addiction? Do you know how it feels? What it is like? Nope you haven't. We can all tell by that statement.
DeleteAnd go back and look at pics of these kids. Do they look unhappy to you? Junkies come in all shapes, sizes, economic backgrounds, etc. She does right by those kids. They have a pretty normal life, they have schedules, school, holidays and fun. Everyone has their issues anon, no family is perfect. You work with what you have and make the best and she does a damn good job. Quit hiding, grow a pair and lets see YOUR life shall we?
I know exactly what I'm talking about. I have been addicted to heroin. The difference is I don't have kids. When it got to the point that it was affecting my life and others around me I made a DECISION to stop. I got on methadone and have slowly tapered down. Continuing to use while whining for over a year that you don't want to use is a cop out. And just because a kid is smiling in a picture does not mean they are happy. I wonder if any of the youngest kids problems about being scared to go to school have anything to do with having a mentally ill, junkie mother and no father. I have no doubt it does.
DeleteHello Anon,
DeleteJust talking from a teachers' perspective (which I am) many children have separation issues, and would you believe they can even be from 'normal', two parent, well adjusted families with no history of drug or alcohol problems! It would help your credibility if you came out from behind that cloak of anonymity, as I did.
Get a Life, and 'man up'(as we say here in N.Z.).
Laura (AKA Kiwigirl)
Oh, and P.S. if you do not have children, then you absolutely are NOT qualified to speak about what may or may nor affect them. I have children and have taught children for over 20 years, so I have seen it all when it comes to issues that affect children! Feel free to ask for advise if you have any 'issues' relating to your own upbringing (which undoubtably you do).
DeleteLaura
Anon . . . It's parents evening tonight for Hamper G (5) and for Geekster (13) on Friday . . . I tell you what, I'll let you know what the normal, educated, non-junkie teachers have to say about my kids. Please check in as I will let you know for sure.
DeleteHamper has settled down great at school, she has a father. And the two fathers of my two boys have both moved here, to live locally, to be here for their sons . . . they all have fantastic relationships with each other, AS DO I. They'll ALL be here for Christmas dinner. Non of them are users.
I don't use to get high, I use to relax of an evening . . . I do want to stop and I will stop, somehow. Judgemental, bigotted folk like you make it harder to stop . . . I face a playground full of people like you every day who judge and condemn whether I have used or not. I expect at least a quarter of them drink of an evening, but that's ok.
Well done to you if you managed to stop, I would like to know more about that (yrs of addiction etc). C'mon, tell us your story and let me know why you only ever comment when I'm down? . . . where were you on my previous post? . . . off looking for someone who was having a hard time? Making them feel worse no doubt. How must it feel to be in your head? You're not a very good example of someone who has got clean and is now enjoying life are you? . . . looking for folk who are struggling with addiction, as you have (allegedly) and putting them down? O how serene ;-)
Please check in later for my kids reports, that's ok, you're welcome.
Well aren't you just mister high and mighty perfect anon. I wish I lived in your dream world where you are master of the fucking universe...NOT.
DeleteYou don't even have kids? Why are you speaking on a subject you know NOTHING about?
anon there is what's know as Narcissistic. He has to run others down to make himself feel powerful. Spotted it right away as my husband is the same. Funny that you say he only ever comments when you are down. Never giving support. You would think someone who has been there would be more compassionate.
Deleteyes the kids are fine cuz i am one name some points where they are not the dads are on the scene because im going dubai in february with my dad i get 600 quid between mum and dad for christmas sorry to dissapoint you but that comment has no meaning and no sense at all i get evrything i want. 10 pocket money for nothing, my own laptop, telly biggest room in the house my mum and dad get me anything so fuck off and go make no sense somwhere else.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteWhat difference does having kids make? I think, Anonymous, you are kidding yourself by implying, as you appear to be, that BugLugs should do a methadone taper just like you did and that so doing will somehow make her kids happier. Happy parents pass on their happiness to their kids and LET'S BE FRANK HERE ~ to a person like I used to be, with untreated manic depression, methadone can very well be just a recipe for UNDILUTED MISERY. And misery, as you must know, is HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS.
DeleteAbout 8 years ago, when I was heavily on heroin plus borderline psychotic I spent a lot of time with my friend's granddaughter who was staying there, I think, because the mother was having some issues. I wouldn't say I was "looking after" this little girl because really granny was. But I did spend a hell of a lot of time with her. Watched Annie about 365 million times, went on walks to see a public parrot, went up the climbing frame down the park etc...
But anyway after a long summer with this 4 y/o little girl, she went back home; I got a letter back from her mother saying thank you for being so good with my daughter, she never stops talking about you. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I would have been able to take care of the little mite in any meaningful way if I'd been on methadone back then. I tried and tried methadone and beat myself up for not being able to stick to this supposedly wonderful treatment but IN TRUTH I was DEPRESSED OUT OF MY HEAD whenever I had to depend on that shit, which was only ever the very last option and purely to "get me out of trouble".
Taking heroin does not make a person a bad parent. Taking too much in too short a time might do. Spending money that should have gone to the children might do. But I DON'T GET THE IMPRESSION BUGERLUGS DOES EITHER SO next time you wanna express judgemental opinions I'd suggest you find a MORE APPROPRIATE TARGET.
Hey babe! I know just how you feel. I have finally gotten somewhat of a hold on my addiction. But all the great things that I thought would happen and all the money I thought I would have from not using, isn't happening. Life is the same, I just don't get to be high for it.
ReplyDeleteWell not EXACTLY the same. The BS of finding money and then drugs everyday is gone. And THAT should be enough to be thankful for. But we still have money struggles, we still have fights, still the same ol shit. I guess in some ways I do handle things better. But it doesn't get magically better after you quit either.
I know for me also, if the drugs are coming easily and not really affecting my life as in I'm not having to pay or run around and wait all day sick. Then it is even harder to quit. They have to be causing me some kind if major issues to be not worth the work or heartache or whatever anymore. I do love my opies and not much could come between as long as they come easy,lol.
I am sorry you feel that way. I am here anytime you need to talk to someone who understands. cmc.marisa@aol.com and I would be happy to give you my cell number so we can text. I hate that I got bogged down with life and kinda lost touch. I feel we have alot in common and wish we lived closer so we could hang out.
Hi Carrion . . . I just tried to go to your Blog, but Blogger wont let me check any other Blogs at the minute, so I'll try later. Hey don't worry about not being in touch for a while, life happens and time flies, I hadn't posted for a while either, or commented. No worries, you're still in my thoughts. Whenever I see a girl with long dreads I think of you ;-)
DeleteWe do have much in common and it's a shame I can't just pop round for a coffee. Still, I'm happy that I've got this place to come to for support, understanding and love . . . I'm gonna try and post later as it's been quite a "happening" week.
I'll try your Blog again later too. Sending warm hugs and love your way Carrion Doll x x x
well glad you cae over to mine today!
Deletestill reading here. congrats on how you handled anon
Thanks John. Oh yes, I visit you most days . . . I love to hear about whatever is happening in your life!
DeleteI'm glad you're still reading here, thanks x
I'm glad that you are still here. And that you posted. I've been scarce a bit as well. Just busy. Take care and still hope that you will quit the habit. Many have and I believe that you can also.
ReplyDeleteSo pleased to see you're still here too Syd. I'll keep on trying, if nothing else . . . and I'll keep on posting. Good luck with the rat on the boat. Thanks for being here x
Deletebugerlugs63- I am glad you decided to write. I, too, have been scarce and catching up.It sounds from the words you have posted that you seem tired of a certain way of life and are ready to make a positive change. I hope that's the case. Depression is a bitch to live with. I do know that you make every effort possible to be a good mother and that's the most important thing. Sometimes though, you need to mommy yourself a bit. Instead of being so hard on yourself, sounds like you need a little TLC instead. A friend of mine told me that when I was truly ready to change my life I would eliminate all the cockroaches (negative people) in my life. That was some of the best advice she ever gave me. Please keep writing and be well. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteHi - hope you are well and the kids good.
ReplyDeletemy email is on my profile if you want to drop a line saying hello...