I have started many posts and this is already beginning to feel like another one of those. Well, I suppose it will be as I'm going to be totally honest, as I have been in the drafts, but hopefully the difference will be that this one gets published.
Firstly, I won't stop Blogging. Even if I only continue to write my past story with updates, I will at least do that. When things are not going so good, I feel that, as much as writing can sometimes help to sort out the mess, putting it out here might look like I'm looking for sympathy . . . I'm not. Also, although this feels like some wretched deadly disease to me, I do have my physical health, and many more things, to be grateful for. I am all too aware that life could be much much worse . . . and that tends to make me feel a little selfish, griping on about this addiction that, after all, is in a way, self-inflicted . . . But, gripe I will!
I woke at 5.30 this morning and had a massive reality check. One of those huge ones where all the negativity and worries of my life came flooding over me like some fucking tidal wave . . . I lay there almost paralysed with fear as each aspect hit me like a bullet, sending me cringing further and further down under the quilt. Ouch. Sometimes it's all too much.
Then, in the aftermath, I lay there thinking about the lighter things in life; paying for bills, buying Christmas presents blah di blah and as I focused on these things, in the back of my mind somewhere deep under these thoughts I felt my hands typing a phrase. I was gradually falling back to sleep so this was part dream but I was also awake and thinking. I had no idea what my hands had typed, this was totally on a sub-conscious level as lists of toys and bills went though my conscience . . . I looked at a screen where I had "typed" . . . I heard, saw and felt the words loudly over, and over, with a certain rhythm.
"You can not control me" . . . and, of course, I can't.
This shook me away from my more lighter worries and it hit me, more than ever, maybe for the first time ever . . . that I can not control this addiction. I just can't. I'm so so fed up to the back fucking teeth of it. So utterly pissed off with my own bullshit of "tomorrow will be better" . . . Why do I even try to kid myself that tomorrow will be any different, it won't. That I might just have the strength to say no tomorrow . . . I don't think so.
I do feel bad even posting this, but this is my truth, how I feel. I could write on and on about how stuck I feel, how trapped and totally out of control I feel and I might just do that later . . . but for now this is just to say; I'm here. I'm still reading all of your Blogs. I sometimes just can't comment.
I will just say the kids are all fine. They enjoyed Halloween, decorated cup-cakes for "trick or treaters",
On the surface, life looks normal. In my head, it's a very different story.
Thanks for reading and still being here. Really, I do appreciate every single one of you. Love to all x x x
I'll try and get some photos here of Hamper G as a witch, and maybe one of our final (?) baby hamster . . . he's so cute and he wasn't part of a litter, just a one off, luckily!