Saturday, 8 December 2012

Today's Truth

Friday afternoon
New post eh? Well I've clicked on it, that's a start . . . Now where to really start?

Ok, firstly, I'm having difficulty thinking, about anything. I've seen my doctor and she thinks this is a result of increasing my dose of Fluoxetine (Prozac) . . . I explained to her that I used to write lists of things to do, bills to pay, just stuff to keep my head above water. Now I sit down to write a list and I stare at the page, or doodle. I used to keep account of money spent; having to budget very closely where every pound goes and  . . . again, I sit down to do this and I can't remember back as far as yesterday to think what has been spent, or how, or where . . . She didn't seem concerned when I told her about this and said they would like to keep it at this level until I've completed the CBT (exposure therapy for phobia) and then reduce. I can see the logic of this, in that my anxiety and "OCDness" is massively reduced and so is my phobia, yes I've noticed that too. I can understand how this will make the therapy less frightening and such . . . But, I dont like not being able to think, or obsess. It's a big part of who I am. And what if I face the exposure therapy and the object of my phobia at this level, only to return to my anxious, obsessive, phobic self once the pills are stopped . . . anyway we'll see, but, for now, I am struggling to think and I'm struggling to do.

 . . . I'm not blaming this lack of focus entirely for my lack of fight . . . But those glimpses of the awful reality of this addiction are few and far between, and with little, or no, impact. So, although I'm sure this state of mind is ideal for facing one's worst fears . . . It's not so good for keeping up with day to day demands  (keeping ALL the socks paired and the loo bleached) or obsessing of any sort . . . Or getting a grip of any sort.

It's freezing cold, I'll tell you that. Freezing cold, wet and windy and freezing cold.
And Christmas is creeping up on me, well, on us all, I suppose . . . everyday, it's a day closer. Really.
And much as I would like, at this moment to fast forward to the new year, rather than face the stress and expense of Christmas  . . . The new year, itself, will bring with it a new problem, more about that later.

It's Saturday morning now. I had a "moment" at half four this morning . . . I lay on the sofa (that's where I sleep at the minute) with these questions going through my mind  . . .  How will I ever stop this? How long will I exist if I don't stop this? What if Hamper G's Dad is homeless on his release from prison?  (17th Jan) in this freezing cold? How can I not help? What if he OD's? Why did he not tell me that he tried to hang himself in prison almost three years ago (at the beginning of his sentence) Why? What if? What will it take? Silent hot tears were falling and I didn't even know I was crying . . . A voice came through the dark from the other sofa  "I love you Mama" . . . what made her say that, right then in her sleep? and why can't I do this? Please, why are three beautiful children not enough to keep me out of this darkness?

There is so much stuff I should be doing . . . And I'm not, I'm just stuck. Real stuck.

And now it's Saturday afternoon. Geekster's Dad has been round for coffee and to arrange to pick Geekster up tonight . . . I see that man looking at me with sadness in his eyes, asking himself where did she go? He might well ask.

Stropster will be in from work in a minute wanting lunch, he's still mad with me, in a
way . . . Rightly so.

This is some of the top layer. The very top layer of a few things, but you knew that.

I was up at half seven this morning to get Stropster up for work and as I made the coffee I accidentally knocked a brand new jar of coffee from the worktop and it smashed on the tiles. I scooped up three sponns to make my coffe with hot milk . . . picked up a large shard of glass and held on to it like it might save me . . . Fortunately, I then imagined the kids finding the mess and walked away from it all, back to the sofa with my coffee . . . So, to some extent, the kids keep me out of the worst of the darkness.

And now Geekster has just phoned me from town to ask what shoe size I am . . . as he's found some fluffy leopard slippers at half price in New Look and he's getting me them for Christmas . . . That boy makes me cry. And now I'm crying again.

I'm not going to read over this or try to improve anything . . . It's today's truth.
Love and thanks to you who read here.


  1. The truth is good... the truth will save you...

    I hope that you'll find some light in the darkness, I know mine was different but I know a bit of your pain that lost in the middle of it with nowhere seeming to turn to and then the world and all it's problems just is there grinning waiting to get me...

    I did though come out the good side - I honestly can't tell you how, just one day that really really was finally it

    1. Thanks Furtheron . . . I'll keep waiting and believing for that day, I really will . . . I have to.
      I hope all's well with you and your family. Take care x

  2. Yeah. Some days are just too dark to bear. And then some days maybe the tiniest sliver of light slips under the door and even if it's so tiny that you think maybe it's just a trick of the eye, hold on to it. Believe in it.
    I wish I had any answers. I really do. Just...keep on living. Trying to believe.

    1. I'm pretty sure I've caught a tiny glimmer of light from the corner of my eye in the last two days; tiny but just enough to remind me what it looks like . . . And I'm holding tight, believing this will change, this will pass.
      Thanks for being here Ms Moon x

  3. Oh Lord....I'm crying too. The slippers got me. What a perfect picture of unconditional love you have there in your children. No matter what you are loved.
    Oh sweet girl....I am praying for you. I am praying you find your way to a place of light. Where you are now seems like such a dark place. I am sorry you are feeling stuck there.
    Much much love to you my friend.....

    1. Yes, Annette, I feel like I've been stuck for quite some time now. I can only keep on keeping on and believing that this will pass.
      I'm so glad your daughter is safe and finding the strength to fight this battle. That's huge progress. Sending love to you both x x

  4. Poor darling. You are really stuck, but you must keep getting up and doing the day to day stuff, that's what seems to be keeping you hanging on at the moment.
    You do have beautiful children who love you, and let them be enough at the moment. You can't solve the problems of the world at 4.30 in the morning when you wake up, you can't be worrying about Hamper G's Dad, some things are out of our control. All you can control is what goes on in your 4 walls. So just focus in on the immediate day to day survival stuff. Xmas, New Year and Jan the 17th will come and go and somehow you will survive and get through it all because the alternative is too awful to contemplate.
    Sounds like those drugs (the Prozac) are really messing with your equilibrium, so hoping things will be better after this treatment.
    Oscar Wilde said 'We are all in the gutter, but some of us look to the stars' You are surely feeling that you are in the 'gutter' of life at the moment, but try to re-fix your gaze to the stars dear Bugz. Things must get better for you, I will keep you close in my thoughts and heart today. xxxx

    1. Hi Laura, yeah, that's exactly what's keeping me going at the moment . . . One basket of washing to the next, one meal cooked to the next, One sink full of pots to the next . . . All that stuff, plus knowing that I have to pull it together for Christmas, somehow. (and with bells and lights on!)
      I'm trying to not think beyond Christmas and just concentrate on making sure it will all be just as it should be.
      I will look to the stars Laura, or indeed, any other source of light. Sometimes I sense a kind of promise, a reassurance, deep down, that it will all be fine . . . One day. And that keeps hope alive . . . Until, I doubt it all again and wonder if I'm just kidding myself because . . . well, because I have to. Confusion reigns.
      I have high hopes for tomorrow, I'm hoping I might wash my hair! Hey, who know's? I might even re-redden those grey/brown roots!! . . . I'll certainly let you know if I do, I promise.
      Thanks for being here and for keeping me close, I felt it. Much love sent to you Laura x x x

  5. Oh sweetheart, Hurting for you, hurting with you. You are held tight in my heart.

    1. The Elephant's Child . . . Thankyou so much for your kindness and understanding. Sending love to you both x x

  6. It's too bad that anti-depressants/ anti-anxiety drugs flatten your emotions (my one painkiller is related & I find it very difficult to care about anything after a while when I know I should). Hang in there. Don't expect to feel like this forever because, if you do your homework, you can get through this - you will face your fears, learn to overcome them and at minimum, loosen their grip.

    Don't take on anyone else's problems. If Hamper G's Dad will be a bad influence for you or bring you down in any way, please don't be manipulated into taking him in. I'm sure there are halfway houses or something that the system can do for him. Make your decision when you have a strong moment and then stick to it firmly. You are too vulnerable to be dealing with any more than you have on your plate right now. Be sure to tell the kids your decision so that you will be accountable.

    Write yourself lists if that helps you - make up schedules and try to stick to them. I find it best myself to have a routine and stick to it week by week. Every day has its chores but never overwhelming so it's very possible to get everything done. If a day gets pre-empted by something else, then the next day gets doubled up. If that's impossible, some chores get skipped for that week but definitely done the next.

    1. Hi Jeannie, Very sound advice, especially concerning Hamper G's Dad . . . This is one of the reasons (along with being 50 in Jan) that I wanted to be clean and strong by January 2013, hmmmmm. I keep telling myself that it's still possible, along with many other things . . . But I fear I could be fooling myself. I really don't know. I know I didn't expect to be back here again. Ah well.
      I will try and write some lists tomorrow, prioritise in some way, make some sense of it all.
      I'm glad you're still here Jeannie, thanks x x

  7. Lovey, so very good to see you!! Some of the side effects of meds can be a pain in the rear! My topamax can be terrible. It's nick name is "dopamax" because it can leave you so brain drained and forgetful. The good thing with the side effects on neuro meds is they usually wear off after a few weeks, so hang in there!! It'll get better over time. I've been through it countless times with my Migraine meds.

    I don't know if you follow Mark over at my blog but he's going through CBT right now too....maybe you can go through some of his entries on it. It's been quite helpful for him as well.

    Much love an hugs, Lovey!!


    1. Hi Lovey, I will check out Mark's Blog for sure, thanks. As soon as I've done three or four exposure sessions I can look at reducing/stopping the meds, so hopefully, the side effects will only be short term . . .
      I'm pleased that things have settled down again for you and Deven, I'm sorry I couldn't find any words to say at the time.
      Much love sent to you Lovey x x

    2. I'm glad they are willing to back you down off the meds some once the CBT has been done a few times. I hope Mark's site has helped you a bit? He is a wonderful guy, great heart that one!

      Never worry about commenting on me. Focus on you, Lovey!! xoxoxo

  8. While I am so happy you are posting and getting all of this out on the "page", I'm sitting in your sadness with you. I've been there and I know that hopeless, helpless dark hole that offers no hope, no light, no joy.

    I hope your shrink knows what she's doing. All I can offer to you from my experience is to follow your heart. If you don't like it and you thing it's wrong, make them listen. There are a lot of alternatives out there (I've tried many of them myself) so if this one is making you crazy then make them give you a new on. Just my two cents...I think sometimes the dr's get lazy.

    You will get through this and we'll be out here to listen, help and give you support. I've been looking at all the comments from your last post - you are loved my friend. Embrace that and hang on.

    Hugs and endless faith,

    1. Hi Sherry, It's a difficult situation with the meds, as despite not liking the side effects, I do have a higher chance of sucessfully completing the exposure therapy at this level of numbness. My first session is this Thursday, so hopefully it sgould all be over in two months . . .
      I want to feel something, anything. But I feel I should also see this through having gotten this far.
      Again, I have ben reading your Blog but have struggled to find words to commemt.
      Thanks for being here Sherry, love to you x

  9. The good thing about life is that its always changing.I dont always like the uncertainty of it but some times the changes are good.
    The little voice who said I love you mamma.Wow!She sounds like she has excelent instinct or a psychic connection to you.She knew you where in pain even in her sleep.
    Your children sound wonderful as wonderful as you who made the and gave them big hearts.
    I have the holiday blues because I see no way of buying presents for ppl I love.But its not important to them.just me.
    Its strange that the doctor wants you like in a fog.You always was planning and scheduling and organized.Honest I dont like that they took this away from you.
    At least theyll never be able to take your heart and all its love away.
    Your loved and missed and so cared about.Always and never aloneXoXo

    1. Hi Bev, I don't know if you read my reply, I replied last night and kept falling asleep. It seems that after my reply to you I must have nodded off with my hand on the "return key" and when I came here today to carry on with other replies there was about 2ft on black emptiness underneath my reply, meaning that Syd's comment (and the others below Syd) had disappeared miles down the page!
      The only way to rectify this was to delete my reply, sorry . . . Anyway, in case you didn't read it first, basically, it said that The Drs only want me in this fog for the first few sessions of exposure (as it's a bit harrowing) . . First session tomorrow! So hopefully, by the new year, I can begin to reduce again and get back to my normal OCD self.
      But you're right Bev they can't take away the love and I'm so lucky to have this place to come to with so many wonderful loving, caring folk. I always feel better after I've been here.
      Christmas expense is a big pressure and it's wrong but unfortunately that's the way it is. I've limited present buying for the kids only, even that is almost £800 so no one else will be getting anything from me, other than food and love!
      Sending you love today Bev, have a good day x x x

  10. It's a rough time of year. But the thing that I think about is the kids and their happiness. We bought gifts for an orphan this year. It made us feel really good to know that a young girl's wish list will be fulfilled. I'm happy that we are having a low stress Christmas with no gifts for each other. And we are doing some baking for friends. It's about being grateful for the small things that make me the most happy. Take care, Bugs. A lot of people here love you.

    1. Hi Syd, Thanks for still being here. Yes, it's all about the kids here for me. They are the only people that I'm buying for. I will offer yummy home cooked meals and love to anyone else!
      That's a beautiful gesture that you and C have made for the orphan girl. It makes me so sad when I think of children being deprived, of anything, really.
      I do feel better for coming here and knowing that so many people really do care and want me to get well.
      You too, take care Syd and thanks again x

  11. Oh Bugs... I'm worried about you. You sound in a very bad way. Something has to shift. Something has to shift here. What can make that happen? My love, my love, my love. I am sending you every ounce of love and hugs and support and strength that I can xxxx

    1. Ah Mrs D, bless your heart!
      Something does, indeed, have to shift. I remain hopeful.
      Thankyou for being here and caring and making me cry ;-)Really, thankyou so so much, I can feel your love and warmth from here. Sending love to you x x x

  12. The shard of glass thing, such a very familiar feeling... looking up clonidine and finding it's only 15 cents a pill, the knives in my bag, especially after this weird rape-ish situation that happened to me.

    Winter is so difficult for me, seems to be for a lot of people. Maybe you're the same.

    Therapy is so weird, especially when they want to "fix" parts of you that you feel are actually big parts of your personaity, like you're going to lose yourself.

    Eye am not and have never been good at comforting people. But it's good that you have children to think about, to stop you from making rash decisions. Eye thought that after Baby died, there'd be nothing to stop me. Eye also love Luabelle but not with the same intensity. But still here, at least today.

    Eye'm glad you didn't, and eye hope that you are able to move past your issues that you are having, this feeling of bein stuck, the low motivation, the dope cycle which you are tired of being in.

    And while you don't want to abandon your ex to the streets, to his own afflictions, it is not your duty to save him. Eye imagine it is terrible to have to watch those you love hurt themselves, fuck knows eye've done it to m'eye family for a long time, so now am quite glad to keep them at a distance and need to know basis. But it won't help you, and it won't be good for your kids.

    You are loved by many people, even ones who have never met you

    1. Hey Eyelick, Good to see you back here in Blogland. I just noticed that you have posted and Blogger didn't notify me. There are 3 or 4 blogs that I follow that Blogger doesn't update me on. I'll have to remember to keep checking . . . I'll go and read your new post after this.
      Yeah, I'll be glad to get this exposure therapy over with so I can get off these pills and get back to my manic OCD self . . . They've made me lazy and complacent, which I can't afford to be with three kids and Christmas in two weeks!!
      It's my first session of therapy tomorrow so I'll ask them how long we're looking at.
      I daren't even begin to think about what will happen on his release (he's the father of my daughter so it's complicated) . . . I have to just think as far as Christmas for now, there's no point me trying to think any further than that.
      So, I best try and clear some space for the tree and do something about it!
      I hope you're OK Eyelick, I didn't know about the "rape situation" . . . I'll go and check your blog. Sending love to you x x x

  13. I had a "moment" twice in the middle of the night, when I woke to find myself accosted by swarms of flies by the curtains... only when I looked closer they proved to be swarms of little books, flapping their covers! Are you trying to tell us you're on 40mg fluoxetine? That's a fairly high dose. My friend was on that for psychotic depression and it cured her!

    1. Hi Gledwood . . . yep 40mg a day! I'm not liking it, I don't get any manic days, which, as you know, I used to take advantage of to do all my cleaning etc . . . My OCD has all but gone, which was basically how I organised myself, with lists and repitition . . . They were my coping mechanisims and the damn pills have left me complacent and lazy and nothing has much impact. I have my first session of Therapy tomnorrow, so I will ask them how long I need to stay at this zombie-level for.
      O well, I've somehow got to focus on making everything as good as possible for Christmas for the kids . . . Then I will face the new year if and when it comes!
      Hope you're OK Gledwood, sending love to you x x

    2. O Bugerlugs you still sound miserable... try watching Real Housewives of DC on ITV2 at 3:40pm (it also repeats the next morning)... there's a woman called Cat who's British... TOO British. The Americans keep saying "is everyone that rude in London?" really really good fun come on turn on, tune in, DROP OUT!

    3. Hey there was a thing on Radio 4's good morning show the other day ~~ some psychiatric researcher talking about phases of the moon and lunacy and people prone to manic episodes. I mean are bipolar sufferers too mentally ill or poor to afford proper curtains? Because he was insinuating that the LIGHT of the full moon was setting off the manic conditions. I sleep with my light on all the time EXCEPT when I'm manic. Because then the light weighs on my brain too much and stops me sleeping at all.... In fact when I've been proper manic I've usually done a lot of my sleeping during the day, as mania lights up my brain from the inside meaning when I shut my eyes I see a never-ending dreamscape of surrrealistic movies ~~ very literally and vividly behind my eyelids. They tend to be not quite so prominent by the stark light of the day. And that's probably when most manic people sleep...