Sunday, 16 December 2012

At last!

Thursday night

A real quickie this will be . . . BUT, in this case, length is of no importance!  None at all, the only thing that matters here is . . . well, I suspect you may have already noticed? or maybe not  . . . Anyway, I hope I'm not speaking too soon, and even if I am, and this is short lived, at least I will have shared this moment of feeling better with you all . . . And why wouldn't I? I've shared enough of my misery . . . I should maybe try and strike some kind of balance, har, har.

I've started my major winter purge of the lounge in preparation for the tree and trimmings . . . Yes, I finally experienced one of my manic, marathon 14hr non-stop days, that I've missed so much . . . O how I've missed them. I didn't get as far as doing the tree or trimmings, yet, but purge I did. I emptied the whole room, rearranged the furniture so the bay window area is ready for the tree, mended the outdoor icicle lights, cleaned the windows . . . totally stripped, scrubbed and patchoulied this room ready for its tinsellating tomorrow. I'm actually, seriously, shockingly, looking forward to tomorrow . . .  Did I write that?

I will put up some pictures soon.

Hamper G was at home from school today with cold/cough/earache/slight temperature and I think Geekster will be joining her tomorrow too. Poorly tortoises. They're both good patients. I had to re-schedule this morning's therapy for next Tuesday.

Anyway, sod that . . . I've got tomorrow to get on with and if I'm getting this right, this new concept . . . It's up to me, to a degree, how tomorrow goes . . . if this is so, I think tomorrow could will be a good day for cleaning, fixing more fairy lights, bleaching, lighting candles and oil burners, flinging silver streamers over anything and everything, adding baubles and beads, taking a few pics . . . I really can't wait.

I'm going to bed and keeping a firm grip on this.

Saturday night!

I can't believe it's half ten, I've only just sat down (since this morning, not since Thursday!). I did keep a firm grip on my well overdue motivation and on this new feeling on having some control. I also kept a steady eye on the elusive, flickering light in the distance, it settled and shone until I could see it, no matter where I was looking. I finally finished the lounge today. Yesterday was full of distractions as Hamper G and Geekster were home from school poorly. They're both much better today. So, it's onto the kitchen tomorrow; windows, oven, cupboards, drawers . . . No stone will be left unturned.

I must admit I'm getting quite excited now. I am making an effort to focus on really, literally, taking one day at a time and reminding myself, often, that I have choices and that I can, to an extent, make this day a good day . . . I know it sounds simple and last week it would have meant nothing to me . . . But just for one fleeting moment somewhere on Thursday it did make sense to me . . . and I kept on going back to the idea and trying to keep a hold on it, to build on it, nuture it. Making myself believe it. And that's when things began to improve. How relieved am I? I'm sure you can imagine.

So, once again, I reckon tomorrow will be a productive day. A good day, leaving me feeling that I've taken some control, made some decisions and acheived a few, albeit small, goals. I believe it will.

OK, off to bed. Thanks to all of you for being here with me and for encouraging me.  All of the words and love that I find here mean so much to me.







31 comments:

  1. This is great news! I am thrilled you have some of your mojo back. Hold on to it. I think it is a Chinese Proverb that says, "The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step." Keep on taking all those steps forward even if it is only one, although I think today you ran a marathon!
    All my good thoughts, energy and love to you. Laura xxx

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    1. HiLaura . . . Yes, definitely feeling better. On to my fifth manic cleaning/clearing/christmasifying day!
      I have my first CBT session at half one today and hopefully I'll find some time to write tonight.
      So much to do here . . . And by this time next week I'll be relaxing (?) and enjoying all the kids' pressies!
      Love to you Laura, hope all is going good for you, back later x x

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  2. Merrry christmas an all that XX.

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    1. Hey Karl, hows it all going? It's been a long time since you posted . . . Is this good news? I hope so.
      Take care x

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  3. I think everyone needed a good message like this today. I love love love this!!!

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    1. Hi Annette . . Off to my first CBT session in half an hour so hopefully I'll be back later to let you all know how it went . . .
      O my! did I dream this or read it? I just remembered reading, last night, that you're closing your Blog . . . I'll go back and check incase it was a bad dream . . .
      I must find you on facebook if you do stop blogging.
      Sending love to you and your daughter x x

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  4. So wonderful to read some good cheer! Can't wait to see the pictures. <3

    Love and hugs to you, precious Bugerlugs.

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    1. Thanks Summer,
      Rushing here as off to first CBT soon . . .
      I hope to get time to report back later, just so so busy here this week. I will definitely post pictures later in the week, Much love sent to you Summer x x

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  5. Woo hoo. Wobbly little dances of joy from here. I am so so happy for you. And, like everyone else, I would love to see the pictures. (Feel free to do a marathon purge and clean here next. It has got away from me. Soon. Ish.)
    Congratulations. I hope that the light at the end of the tunnel keeps beckoning.

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    1. Hi The Elephants Child . . . Still purging! Kitchen almost done. Hall, landing and stairs done . . . Upstairs next! I even started washing the outside of the house yesterday, continuing from the windows, dusting the brickwork! Madness!
      First CBT session in twenty mins so must fly. I'm hoping to report back later. And will definitely be posting pictures during the week (whilst the house is clean!)
      Much love to you both x x x

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  6. Santa's grotto? Sounds like you're not skimping on the décor. We, on the other hand, have now decided against a tree, and will just do low-key Holly and Ivy.

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    1. Hi Cro,
      That's me Cro; all or nothing!
      And with my youngest still only 5, it has to be ALL!!
      And some.

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  7. I used to really enjoy being sick when I was a kid. I never faked it, but always took FULL ADVANTAGE and felt this sneaking disappointment whenever I started getting better. It was the getting well but watching television in a blanket stage that I particularly liked. Specially when everone had to move up for me/.../etc...

    O I've posted a special roborovksi for you. Take a look and you'll see what's so amazing

    http://gledwood4.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/a-scattering-of-thoughts-after-8-hours.html

    ;-)

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    1. Back in a bit . . off to the dreaded "exposure therapy". Thanks for the hamster vid! Must fly x x

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  8. Oh Bugerlugs I told Beverly you'd fly her a new computer across the Atlantic in person. (Hope you don't mind...)

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  9. this is me... i'm logged out so the hamster disappears... thinking of which DID YOU FIND YOUR ESCAPEE? I REALLY HOPE SO...

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    1. Hey Bugger, what's up?

      I've put up a special "emotional euphoric trance mix" especially for you and Beverly for xmas. Because it's similar to that new agey whale music it should help with relaxation issues and sleep and all.

      Who knows it might be the last straw that finally gets rid of that awful paranoid phobic anxiety you've gone down with. Anxiety of all persuasions is just beyond the pale and worthy any lengths to dispose of it.

      I don't know about you but when I really can't sleep I have to make sure NO MUSIC AT ALL reaches my ears, that NO LIGHT reaches my eyes... in fact sensory stimulation of all kinds is banned.

      But if you did play music, this would be precisely the ilk of thing to soothe and not excite and to ripple your rainbow-strobing brains into a rapturous vortex of hyper-reality.

      I heard a thing on Radio 4 about "lunatics" ~~ as the researcher called them ~~ people prone to "restlessness and mania" as he called it. Well he was implying that people with bipolar disorder can't affor proper curtains, saying the increased light of the Full Moon is what sets crackpots off on their manic episodes... I'm not sure that's at all true. I mean, here in London what with such vivid street lightting and everything, I don't think anybody would notice the light of the full moon... if anything it's surely the magnetic effect on Mental Tides... (know what I mean?)...

      As for the light doing anything ~~ as I say, this must mean either that manic-depressives cannot afford curtains, or else something about their illness is making them too remiss actually to draw them. For NORMAL people draw the curtains tight shut at night. As much so that the local kiddies don't oggle their naked bodies while changing as anything else.

      Anyway, here's that Lovely Link for you:~~~~~~~

      http://gledwood4.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/down-out-whatever.html

      +++ wishing you a very merry xmas indeed. I'm thinking of buying a £9.99 bottle of advocaat from Warninks + 2x Sainsbury's own lemonade at 65p for 2 litres (£1.30 for the two) ~~ meaning a whole horse trotts cart full of snowballs for a mere £11.29) I know it's a mandy drink, but really I'm not into alcohol at all any more.

      PS have you seen that Lenor ad? Isn't it ridiculous? All those Americans going into raptures over a product that isn't even AVAILABLE Stateside ~~ I know this because when I went into a brief Washing Powders and Conditioners obsession, Beverly was asking what the hell Lenor actually was¬!

      +++ a Fantastic New Year's 2013 to you and all the Kiddiewinks +++ your tiny TrotterDonkey Roborovskis ;-) ++++++++

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  10. What a great Christmas gift to yourself! Yay for good days that you have chosen! That means good days are not an accident. I like that concept.

    Hope you give yourself many more - just watch the fatigue etc and know that that and the bad days are temporary when they come.

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  11. Laugh to your heart's content this Christmas with no fear of embarrassing spillages with our bounteous range of incontinence support pants in all sizes.

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  12. Lovey! Good to see you posting! You're right, sweetie, one day at a time =) Go you!

    Merry Christmas!

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  13. glad to see you are alive.....and positive
    we've missed you chuck

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  14. Glad you are getting into the spirit. Children are what the holidays are about. I think you have been growing up every day that you write. I see so many positive changes. It's lovely, as are you my dearie.

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  15. Glad to hear you are in good spirits. I find when I just live in the day it all seems so much better - a friend of my eloquently says "If I have a foot in yesterday and a foot in tomorrow all I do is p*** all over today"... thank you Big Dave! But what he says is so right.

    I'm really looking forward to tomorrow and last day of work - even more so now the boss just announced we can all leave early!!! HOOORAY!!!

    Wishing you a fabulous Christmas and especially a really HAPPY New Year...

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    1. "If I have a foot in yesterday and a foot in tomorrow all I do is p*** all over today"... I love that!

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  16. Its so good hearing your excited again and geting in to the holiday spirit.
    Your post sounds happy and eager and Im happy to read this!
    Love and all sweet things to you alwaysXoXo

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  17. Hey if I don't get a chance before Xmas day, I hope you have a really happy Xmas Di! My wish for you this Xmas is that you have a fabulous day with your beautiful children, and may your whole family (esp. you) be blessed with all your xmas wishes come true.

    Laura xxxx.

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  18. Heres a big holiday hug for you bugerluvs.Im worried I wont see your next post in time so I want to squeeze a warm Christmas greeting here to you and your family.
    Merry Christmas XoXo

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  19. Great that you are in the spirit. We were on a baking marathon. All is good though. Enjoy the holidays. It is a good time if we choose to make it so.

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