Thursday, 23 June 2016

Some things change ... and some don't

So after a few tours of blogland I find a lot of the bloggers from my reading list have gone, some to wordpress and some just gone. Maybe they will be back. I suppose some things change in three years. And some don't. Something I will change this time is I wont tell my drugs worker or my Mum/family about the blog, it got to a point where I was having to be a bit careful what I wrote, rather defeating the object. "Geekster" knows about the blog, but it's of little interest to him. He passed ten O levels! and is half way through his two years study for A levels; maths, physics, chemistry and music technology. He's progressing well with piano and guitar and music in general. "Stropster" celebrated his 21st birthday last week, no longer a stroppy teenager; a qualified, hard working mechanic, still with his first love and still prone to the odd outburst but hey all things considered. And Hamper G well shes 9! she's just been on her first residential trip with the school for three nights, unfortunately she came back with a virus and has had to stay home this week. She still idolises her mostly absent dad, no prizes for guessing where he is again.."HMP somewhere". I will leave that one there.

I read a few blogs today. One subject cropped up a few times and struck a chord with me, it got me thinking. Why is it so damned hard to get clean/stay clean? Why, when we vow for the 300th time that this time is the one, that we mean it and want it, does it not happen? We imagine the life we could have, who we would be, where we could go and what we could do, all the changes we could make, how much better we will feel, look, the list goes on. All that would be gained by giving up one thing. Hell, the finances alone would make it worth it and yet that would be the smallest gain. Why, when its so obviously worth trading in, can't we do it? I know its not that simple and of course I have no answers, but the parents, friends, partners, children of addicts everywhere ask themselves the same thing. Is it because we just don't really see it for the hopeless disease that it really is. Are our hopes and dreams simply unrealistic. Would it be like listening to someone with an incurable or almost incurable illness (obesity, diabetes, aids ) making the same plans. Yes of course they would trade it in for a wonderful future, but they cant. Can we? Really? In seventeen years of Heroin addiction I still only know two other addicts who stayed clean. I know many addicts who are no longer here. I didn't know until just now that obesity was classed as almost incurable.

Every so often I will see another addict in town looking well, smiling, fresh from rehab or prison telling me how good life is, swearing they will never go back to that crap and I try so hard to hope that the next time I see them they wont be standing down some alley on their mobile, not smiling. but they usually are.This is very depressing. Frightening even. We know it will kill us, why isn't that enough reason to stop.

I don't even want to think about it any more, no of course I don't. I've written this post in bits, as and when I've had time this afternoon and evening so I have been thinking about it most of today and nothing has changed. It all feels so helpless.

Well I think that will do for now, its almost midnight, again . I had forgotten how long this blogging thing took, but at least I haven't spent the evening smoking one thing and another. I will be back. Thanks to anyone reading xx

11 comments:

  1. It sucks doesn't it. Bad habits (whatever they are) are easy to develop and soooooo difficult to walk away from. I wish I knew why. It just doesn't seem fair. Life doesn't seem fair. Life isn't fair.
    Heartfelt hugs - and I am so very glad to see you not only back, but posting regularly.

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    1. E's C.. So true.. I read through my last few drafts last night (from 2013) that never got posted. I didn't post at the time as I got so fed up of hearing myself say the same thing and ultimately I guess thats why I stopped posting, lack of progress.
      I wont let that stop me this time. I'm so grateful that people are still reading here and over the moon to be able to re-connect through comments!
      And no alarm tomorrow morning, it Saturday!
      Sending love and thanks xx



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  2. My friend, it has been far too long. Do you believe in Fate the way that I do? I rarely go through my reading list these days but today I did, and I'm oh so glad because I saw you. It's good to "see" your smiling face. To hear the kids are doing well and you're still so upbeat. Lots of love and light. Hugs to you.

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    1. Hey! Lovey! Yes its been far too long, and yes I absolutely believe that nothing is a coincidence. I caught up on a few posts on your blog the other night, massive congratulations on getting your book published! that must feel awesome. I intended to comment but possibly got distracted in the comments section and blog hopped. It felt so good to catch up on the blogs I had followed. So good that I decided to post again and I'm glad I did.
      Love and hugs to you and yours xx

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    2. ps.. and thankyou so much for being here. It means a lot to me x

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  3. Oh you are back! Thank you for your comment on my blog....my girl and I were driving to the methadone clinic and I directed her to a couple blogs...and she read out loud. I was so happy to hear that your post was from TODAY!! Bless your heart, reaching out to all of us. I hope you keep writing. I love hearing from you! The kids have all grown and gotten big! xoxoxoxo

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    1. It was good to read your post last night Annette, and after reading Mark Goodsons 'Spirit' I was led to some other writers who he 'follows'. I was reading till 2am! some good food for thought.
      And to read that your girl felt understood was a wonderful feeling, just as I had felt understood the day before at your blog... round and round it goes.
      I hope I keep writing too, it helps. Connecting with you good folk helps even more, for sure.
      I'm glad you're still here, thanks Annette xx

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  4. Hello, it's good to read you're OK. x

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    1. Hey Karl, you too, I read you most recent posts the other night. Not much has changed for either of us really has it... but we still have much to be grateful for, thats a fact.
      Thanks for reading xx

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  5. Hi you don't know me. I have read a lot of your blog I'm an heroin addict going on 6 years I would love to stop using but I don't know how. It's like I hating fixing myself but I hate being with out it. I don't know what to do. I'm just broken I guess it's true what they all say somethings that are broken just can't be fixed. Can I be fixed?

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  6. Hi Miguel, I wish I could say yes you will get better, but the sad reality (from what I see) is very few Heroin addicts get and stay clean. There are may blogs by people who have kicked alcohol, and I sure thats very hard too, and cigarettes, but Heroin seems to be on a whole different level. My Brother got clean after four years, he found God in a very real way and never looked back. Thats the only way that I have seen it succeed.
    I have three precious children and lung disease. I know what will happen if I carry on so why cant I stop? I dont understand it. It's beyond me.
    But some people get better thats for sure. Not many, but some. I hope and pray you will get better. Really I do.
    Thanks for reading here and commenting, keep in touch and keep trying, it can happen. Take care.

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