Tuesday, 26 July 2016


A quick update. I say quick because I feel so down about everything that I don't really want to dwell on it all. Also I have a banging headache and the laptop screen is making me feel sick. I just feel I should write something. Maybe I shouldn't. I know its helped in the past sometimes. I'm too tired and ill to go over the sentences and phrasing in any attempt to make it flow. If I post this, it will be just as its written right now. Live. 

I know how I would like my life to be and its all within reach. I'm not wishing for mansions, millions etc.  Its all possible and wouldn't even take very long to achieve in the grand scheme of things, say a year, which is no time at all. Yes, there would still be room for plenty of improvement and growth after a year, but the main structure could be built in that year. Maybe even less. So why why why can I not just make a start, why am I so fucking stuck, paralysed, why can I not do it? I can't put it down to laziness, I'm not generally lazy. I am at the moment as I'm ill, but when I'm well there's no stopping me.  It's not as if i would have to wait long for some sort of result either. Within hours of stopping cigarettes I know I start to feel better, and certainly within days of stopping, or even weaning down from Heroin I would feel better, look better, have more energy, more enthusiasm. more creativity, more money. The rewards are almost immediate so I can't put it down to impatience.   

This is some headache. I mean this is hurting real bad. I'm drinking lots of water in case its de- hydration but its not going. I don't often get a headache that I know will lead to me being sick, maybe three of four times in the last ten years, but this is one of them. I've no idea what has caused it but I'm pretty sure if I could be sick it would pass.I have to lie down and close my eyes.

No one is gonna come along and do this for me. Other than me.  Its making me feel sick the more i think about it. This is one crappy update, I realise that, but it is an update. 

Its the next day now, my head still hurts but not as bad. I'm still stuck. Nothing has changed and I  honestly cant see how anything will ever change. It might sound strange but its like despite whatever my head says, my body just carries on doing the same thing like some fucked up robot thats got stuck on a programme of self-destruct. I'm sure that sounds like a cop out. It doesn't really matter how it sounds. Thats how it feels. No wonder my head hurts.

Well I promised to keep on posting and this is all I have at the minute, so this will do.

Thank you to anyone taking time to read this. I'll be back soon. With Love X 

ps. On a happy note, Ed the cat has brought fleas in again! Yay!!


  1. Of course Ed was brought fleas in again. And probably worms. And a hair ball or two. They are unerring that way, when you are already feeling overwhelmed.
    I hope your poor head is better. It sounds very like a migraine to me.
    And for what it is worth, I am keeping you in my heart. However you feel, you are not useless. Or lazy. Hugs.

    1. Bless you, thankyou. I went to see the Dr today; its a wretched virus/swollen glands and throat infection. Also the cause of the monster headache. She suggested 3 days total rest to stop it hitting my lungs next ... I shall try. The fleas can stay for now.
      That was Ed's contribution so I will leave it in. He obviously felt he had something to say.
      Your encouragement and genuine warmth are worth a lot to me. Sending love and hugs

  2. We all know what we should do. We all know it's possible, but doing it is another thing. I want to lose weight, I know I need to eat less, I know I can do it, but I don't. I do well for a couple of days and then give up. Life sucks. I hope your headache goes soon, at least that will help a bit.

    1. Its crazy really, why can't we do the things that would make us happy in the long run ... or even in the short run (in my case). Its beyond me.
      Pleased to say the headache has almost gone though, and yes that has helped. Thanks X
      I've not heard from Jean for ages. I dont know if she still visits any blogs, I'm pretty sure she doesn't write anymore which is a shame, I enjoyed her Blog and paintings/drawings.

  3. Hang in there girl.... yes sounds like a migraine to me, and STRESS!! Stop it now, just let everything go. Hey I'm not a Christian but when I feel overwhelmed with life, I just consciously hand over all the crap in my head to a higher power (whoever or whatever that is for you, and then just wait it out. Do nothing for a bit, just try to clear the fog that has engulfed you, and maybe then a clear pathway forward will emerge.
    And when I was giving up smoking, I actually didn't give up anything, I changed my mindset to look at what I would gain. I replaced them with walks in the fresh air, delicious hot herbal teas and the occasional chocky biscuit!
    Didn't work all the time but I tried not to beat myself up about the failures.
    Love and respect and peace from N.Z.... you are a good person, keep writing please, even if it's just to share your trials and tribulations xx

    1. Thanks Laura. I went to see Dr and it seems it's a nasty virus/swollen glands and throat infection, with a banging head thrown in for good measure! and the odd flea bite :)... She told me to rest which I'm not very good at, but I will try. I will take your advice and hand it all over and do nothing.
      I might write some more. I literally forced myself to write (and post) that post last night and I'm glad I did.
      I will get some more nicotine patches tomorrow and find something to replace those rotten ciggys.
      Thanks as always for being here Laura. I am lucky. Bless you X