OK, I felt I was coming down with something on Saturday, aching elbows and back, struggling to breath (I have Emphysema for new readers), whooshing in my left ear. By Monday it was clear I had an ear infection which is now a throat and chest infection. I started my reserve antibiotics as I need to begin treatment way before the surgery can offer an appointment . . .
Fast forward to this morning. I considered keeping Hamper G at home as I wasn't sure I could face the two mile walk, in the rain, to school and back. I was even less sure that I could cope with her at home, bored all day . . . I wondered for a fleeting second if I could possibly call on any of my wonderful family to help me out here. Brother at work. Sister-in-law's day off but maybe not up yet (8.30am) Mother definitely not up yet. So I made my mind up to get this over with, then come home and rest . . . write.
On my walk home from school I said the serenity prayer . . . As I came to the "accept the things I cannot change" line, I added graciously before accept and Mother sprung to mind . . . I wonder why? Ready? . . .
Finally walking across the park, the house is in sight, as are the nearby row of shops . . . Who should I see pulling up in her warm dry car . . . how did you guess? . . . Oooops!
By the time I reached the shops she was talking to a "church friend" . . I could tell it was a church friend, firstly because the lady had that look about her; like she had prayed for and received some serenity this morning. Secondly most of her friends are church friends . . .
"What you doing out so early?" I said, trying so hard to leave out the accusatory tone (graciously accept)
"Ermm . . . I'm going to pick up M, to give her a lift to the train station"
M is my Brother's wife . . . works two days a week as a nurse, has no kids, is ten years my junior, is in perfect health.
The train station is less than a mile away.
This was planned last night. They both knew I was ill. Am ill.. They are both CHRISTIANS . . . and neither one of them thought to say . . . "O we could pop Hamper G up to the school at the same time, save Bugerlugs-Twat-Face having to walk there!!"
AAARRGGHHH!! I could fucking scream. She had the fucking cheek to "hug" me in front of her friend and say "Do you want anything from the shop; Paracetamol? Strepsil? O you do look poorly . . . I have to look after my little girl". What I wanted to
"FUCK you bitch! If I need ote from the shop I'll go get it myself. You. Make. Me. SICK!!."
God, grant me some serenity here please . . . . like NOW!!
"No thanks you're OK, I have everything I need" . . . :-) (that's my serene smile)
I'm home now, the dealer has sent his morning text that automatically goes out to everyone, I haven't read it because I know what it says. Yes, I've asked him to cut me off the list . . . His reply was "I have". It doesn't matter. I am not triggered by a text. I have been triggered by anger though.
I will NOT let this ANGER and resentment lead to using. I will feel every fucking little bit of it. I might scream. I will cry. I might have some cherries, meringue and fresh whipped cream. I might put some music on and sing as loud as my poor old throat and lungs will allow . . . Dory Previn's Her Mother's Daughter springs to mind. I don't think I've put that one on You Tube yet . . . I'll do it now . . . Then I'll bring it here . . . then I'll finish "the Escape".
I will NOT use . . . Just for today. Sometimes I think I was happiest in France because I was away from my "family" . . . Sometimes I think I would still be better off far away.
That's all folks! Thanks for reading . . . I'll update later, I just had to get that lot off my chest . . . I actually feel ever so slightly better ;-)
OK, here it is!
This is not representative of our story or relationship in any way . . . But it is a beautiful song with some genius lyrics, that's Dory!