Tuesday, 3 July 2012

My Morning Rant

This will be brief as I'm using every minute of my "writing time" to write the escape episode.

OK, I felt I was coming down with something on Saturday, aching elbows and back, struggling to breath (I have Emphysema for new readers), whooshing in my left ear. By Monday it was clear I had an ear infection which is now a throat and chest infection. I started my reserve antibiotics as I need to begin treatment way before the surgery can offer an appointment . . .

Fast forward to this morning. I considered keeping Hamper G at home as I wasn't sure I could face the two mile walk, in the rain, to school and back. I was even less sure that I could cope with her at home, bored all day . . . I wondered for a fleeting second if I could possibly call on any of my wonderful family to help me out here. Brother at work. Sister-in-law's day off but maybe not up yet (8.30am) Mother definitely not up yet. So I made my mind up to get this over with, then come home and rest . . . write.

On my walk home from school I said the serenity prayer . . . As I came to the "accept the things I cannot change" line, I added graciously before accept and Mother sprung to mind . . . I wonder why? Ready? . . .

Finally walking across the park, the house is in sight, as are the nearby row of shops . . . Who should I see pulling up in her warm dry car . . . how did you guess? . . . Oooops!

By the time I reached the shops she was talking to a "church friend" . . I could tell it was a church friend, firstly because the lady had that look about her; like she had prayed for and received some serenity this morning. Secondly most of her friends are church friends . . .

"What you doing out so early?" I said, trying so hard to leave out the accusatory tone (graciously accept)
"Ermm . . . I'm going to pick up M, to give her a lift to the train station"
M is my Brother's wife . . . works two days a week as a nurse, has no kids, is ten years my junior, is in perfect health.
The train station is less than a mile away.

This was planned last night. They both knew I was ill. Am ill.. They are both CHRISTIANS . . . and neither one of them thought to say . . . "O we could pop Hamper G up to the school at the same time, save Bugerlugs-Twat-Face having to walk there!!"

AAARRGGHHH!! I could fucking scream. She had the fucking cheek to "hug" me in front of her friend and say "Do you want anything from the shop; Paracetamol? Strepsil? O you do look poorly . . . I have to look after my little girl". What I wanted to  do was slap say was . . .

"FUCK you bitch! If I need ote from the shop I'll go get it myself. You. Make. Me. SICK!!."
God, grant me some serenity here please . . . . like NOW!!
I said.
"No thanks you're OK, I have everything I need" . . . :-) (that's my serene smile)
I'm home now, the dealer has sent his morning text that automatically goes out to everyone, I haven't read it because I know what it says. Yes, I've asked him to cut me off the list . . . His reply was "I have". It doesn't matter. I am not triggered by a text. I have been triggered by anger though.

I will NOT let this ANGER and resentment lead to using. I will feel every fucking little bit of it. I might scream. I will cry. I might have some cherries, meringue and fresh whipped cream. I might put some music on and sing as loud as my poor old throat and lungs will allow . . . Dory Previn's Her Mother's Daughter springs to mind. I don't think I've put that one on You Tube yet . . . I'll do it now . . . Then I'll bring it here . . . then I'll finish "the Escape".

I will NOT use . . . Just for today.  Sometimes I think I was happiest in France because I was away from my "family" . . . Sometimes I think I would still be better off far away.

That's all folks! Thanks for reading . . . I'll update later, I just had to get that lot off my chest . . . I actually feel ever so slightly better ;-)

OK, here it is!
This is not representative of our story or relationship in any way . . . But it is a beautiful song with some genius lyrics, that's Dory!


  1. Hope you're OK & feel better soon X

    1. Thanks Karl,
      Off to Dr. at 2.30, then another 2 mile walk to school and back . . . Hey ho! C'est la vie . . . I've not scored x

  2. Hope you feel better soon... and you cannot change people yes that is the point of the prayer... hard at times, very hard...

    Anger and fear... met a guy last night, first meeting, so affraid to put the drink down... what an experience. I hope he gets it whatever my God it thought me to be thankful for my sobriety.

    1. Aye it's hard! acceptance, I'm learning . . .
      O poor bloke . . . I'm not quite where you are (yet!) but I can remember the fear of just going one night clean . . . Me too, I'm grateful for progress.
      I hope he can just do it for today . . . then maybe tomorrow.
      Thanks Furtheron, take care x

  3. I'm so sorry you feel like crap and that your mother is rather insensitive. Christianity doesn't cure that I've found.

    I feel your heartbreak. And I'm guessing that had you asked for help, it wouldn't have come anyhow - it would have been too much trouble for her because she'd already made plans to help your sister-in-law. Or if she'd helped, she would have made you feel worthless for needing it and that you were seriously imposing on her. (My mother was just like that too only she is not Christian)

    I read a book years ago which helped me so much. Basically, we will have certain people in our lives who are difficult. They do not, will not, can not see us for who we are - they only see the person that they decided we were long ago and that is what they react to whether or not we fit that profile. We can't change that and have to learn to accept it. Part of that is curbing our expectations of them.

    If you are a sensitive person, like me, you probably pick up on facial cues, body language, tone of voice etc. and take things personally. I haven't figured out how to avoid this - logic doesn't really help. But I have noticed that insensitive people (like my husband) are oblivious to those cues that people give off, for instance, when they are asked to do something they'd rather not.

    So - if you ask your mother for a lift- she turns you down - likely acting grumpy about it and you are hurt
    Or she agrees but humpfs and sighs like you are asking her for the moon - and you are hurt

    (so it's easier to just not ask)
    But then you are hurt when you find her helping someone else and seemingly oblivious to your needs which are greater

    Meanwhile, your sister-in-law does not expect refusal, she doesn't notice the hesitation on your mother's part about giving her a lift. If your mother were to say something like "I never get up this early - I'm so tired", she wouldn't connect it to being her "fault" - doesn't let it change her own mood - she's grateful for the lift and that's it. Thanks so much! And your mother, in turn, feels like she's done a good deed although she was put out just a little. Your SIL hasn't fed into her martyrdom - hasn't acknowledged that it was anything more than a favour that family does for each other. Easy peasy.

    I guess what I'm saying is that our attitudes affect others' attitudes and we get what we expect. The trick is in how to change ourselves to affect how others treat us.

    I'm saying this as much to myself as to you - it has worked for me - when I remember to put myself in the right frame of mind. Don't approach your mother as "the wayward child who is always needing a hand because she's irresponsible" (if this is how she sees you) but as an adult, like any other, who could use a favour once in a while. Don't pile a refusal on top of the giant pile of other refusals and times you've been let down and then feel the pain of all of them. Just take it as a single "no" and give her the benefit of the doubt. (Even if you really believe otherwise) and move on. It may take some time but her attitude toward you may ease up a bit (and slip back too).

    I know that I will never be my mother's favourite but our relationship did change when I stopped trying so hard.

    1. Hi Jeannie, Thanks for all of that, it makes good sense . . . I do tend to let it all pile up and just keep biting my tongue . . . Then each tiny thing, that on it's own would be nothing . . . brings me to screaming, boiling point. If one day, I did let rip, I dread to think what would happen. But of course, I wont.
      I wouldn't ask her for a lift as I know she is rarely up before 10, but as you rightly say, M would think nothing of asking Mum to get up early to give her a lift to the station.
      I'm not too sure what her perception of me is (other than a good mother) . . . I don't borrow money or ask for help with looking after the kids ever. Never have. She often says she's amazed at how much I "cope" with, at how strong I am . . . So maybe she just thinks "O she'll cope". Whereas she does say she wonders how M would cope if she even had one child. Looks like you've lead me to the answer Jeannie. Thanks for taking the time to think about this and write your comment, it really has helped. x

  4. fuck me sideways! wait a minute, u r addicted 2 smack & u r looking aftr kids, jesus christ, i cant evn look aftr myslf properly although im bullshitting myself in2 believng i can. Respect and lots of it. & ps. If my dealer send me a txt in the morning ill crap on him 4 not being @ my spot alredy-mre respect. Eish

    1. Cheers Smackhead (I hate calling people that ;-)
      Yeah, it's not always easy. It was much more hectic when I was with my ex, I was smoking at least 2gs a day (hence the Emphysema) . . . although I did get checked by the authorities (thanks to the neighbours) and they were totally satisfied with the house, kids and all aspects of my life as a mother.
      He'll send the texts out at 10am to say he's on . . . then leave you pacing for three hours! You know the type ;-)

  5. Has the ear infection gone yet? Mine nearly drove me CRAZY!!! And I do say that advisedly ~ having BEEN crazy and all... Both my granddads had emphesyma (I think)... It really makes me want to give up smoking

    1. Hi, That's how early I was in bed last night, I didn't catch these comments. I reckon I was asleep by 7 with Hamper G. Yes, they gave me anti-biotic ear drops much like yours . . . Feeling so much better already and I didn't score ;-) (day three)
      I know, I still smoke cigs, it's a ridiculous habit . . . we can stop the gear surely we can stop those too. One thing at a time eh? and one day at a time too.
      So . . . Just for today, here we go. Take care Gledwood x

  6. I wish I could smack that dealer to Kingdom Come, piece of shit pusher. He's a pusher not a dealer!! He doesn't want people to get clean! He doesn't want to take you off his list!! He needs you to keep using!! I love Jeannie .. her comment is amazing, it's so true. Those difficult people trigger responses in us and we do in them. The fact that it's your mother makes it all the more difficult. Feel that anger baby. Roar it out!!!! It will pass. You are a good kind person and that's all that matters. Hugs to you xxx

    1. Mrs D, They're never happy when someone gets clean. I bumped into a girl (user) on my way to the Dr, told her I was doing well, she said "I'm selling a bit now if you want ote, just bell me" . . . Clever. I saw another two users in the surgery who couldn't wait to tell me "So and so had peng" (they both know me and know I'm trying to stop) . . . Anyway, guess what; I didn't score!! Against all the odds I got through the day clean.
      I thought of your comment on my other post about singing or screaming . . . or eating. I did all three.
      Must get Hamper to school now. It's raining again . . . should I ring Mum? ;-)
      Hugs to you too Mrs D and thanks x x x

  7. I think family relationships are so darn hurtful, the most hurtful, because we can't help but have an expectations of a level of behavior from our families, and it rarely plays out the way we expect it to.
    I don't know if you were reading my blog a year ago, but I wrote a lot about taking care of my mom while she was dying and my siblings couldn't/wouldn't come to help. It was very hurtful to the both of us. Now I rarely hear from my siblings. I wonder why one person ends up being the person who is not a part of or considered not worth the time it would take to be in a relationship with.
    I am so sorry.
    Also, I am so behind on blog reading.....but yours is one in particular that I am planning on getting caught up on asap. I think of you often...even when I'm not reading about you! :o)

    1. You're right Annette, it is about expectations. Expecting them to do for me, the things that I know I would do for my kids in the same situation. Or even expecting them just to do what they do, for my Brother.
      I never ask for help, never have, even when I was seriously ill . . . But I do feel hurt when it isn't offered. I suppose I have to change this (the courage to change the things we can).
      I'm sorry you went through such hurt while your Mum was dying, as you say, family relationships are the most hurtful.
      Thanks for being here Annette, I know you're busy. Well done on Ralston Peak, I loved reading that post.
      On a more positive note about Mother . . . She has lost 9lbs at Weightwatchers. She joined after I told her about you. You inspire so many people Annette (I might have said that before ;-) but it's true. Hugs and love to you, have a good 4th July x

  8. You poor soul.

    Go to bed, have a hot toddy.

    Regarding Mums in general I always refer to this poem by Larkin.

    It makes me wonder what I'm doing to my own poor kids.

    "They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
    They may not mean to, but they do.
    They fill you with the faults they had
    And add some extra, just for you.

    But they were fucked up in their turn
    By fools in old-style hats and coats,
    Who half the time were soppy-stern
    And half at one another's throats.

    Man hands on misery to man.
    It deepens like a coastal shelf.
    Get out as early as you can,
    And don't have any kids yourself."

    1. So So true Twisted Scottish Bastard . . . It does also make me wonder what I might have passed on to my kids. I have been very careful to make sure they have the things I most craved; love, security and self-worth . . . but that doesn't mean I got it right by any means.
      Then again who does?
      Brilliant poem, thanks, and thanks for being here x

  9. When thoroughly pissed-off I tend to listen to Bob Dylan's 'If dogs run free'. It seems to have the right message, and there's some cool scat in there too! Try it, and let me know.

    1. Cro, I don't know how that one escaped me . . . I thought I knew most of his songs. I'm off to check it now, I'll be right back . . .

    2. Yeaaahhh . . . Love the piano, and the voice. I'll need to listen again for the message, I'm a bit deaf, not sure if it's age or ear infection.
      Thanks for that Cro x

  10. Hope you feeling better physically and emotionally. And have still resisted those urges to score. Never a truer word than 'you can choose your friends but not your family.' Somethings we just don't have any control over, I don't get on with my brother and his family, like Annette he bailed out when my Dad was dying, and now he is doing the same with my Mum and he lives much closer to her than me. I guess it's like my serenity prayer, but I just say to myself "Let it Go! The anger and resentment will make me sick!"
    All the best, from your friends in cyber-space! And P.S. I would pick you up and take Hamper-G to school if I lived closer!!
    KG xxx

    1. Ahhh Kiwigirl, I really believe you would too, that's so kind, thanks.
      Families eh? . . . I think part of it was that I felt so ill and tired, so it was all magnified. I saw the Dr and have anti-bio drops for my ear, it's definitely on the mend and I have resisted the urge to score :-)
      I hope things are good for you yours, take care kiwigirl and thanks for being here x x x

  11. Hi Bugerlugs,

    Your post totally hit a nerve. I have one of "those" mothers, too. Her Christianity only seems to work when someone from the outside is around to witness it. Good for you for not letting your mom be a trigger for you! I don't use but my mother could seriously drive me to it.....I've learned avoidance at all cost. It works most of the time...caller ID doesn't hurt either, lol.

    I enjoy reading your blog. Hope you're feeling better soon.


    1. Hi Summer . . . Talking of Summer, it's so dark and grey (raining again!) here this morning that I almost fell back to sleep after the alarm went off, as it looked too dark to be 7 am.
      It's not good to see that type of Christianity is it . . . I have to learn acceptance here, not easy.
      I read your most recent post last night and it made me so sad for you and your family . . . I typed out a comment about trying to not put your life on hold while you wait for your son's recovery . . . and then I thought "Who I am to say this"? I have no idea how painful this is for you, so I deleted it.
      It's easy for others to say "Let go and let God" . . . I don't know what the answers are as I still struggle some days with this addiction. I can't imagine the heartbreak of watching one of your children go through this.
      Thanks for reading here Summer, I gotta go and gee up the kids now for school and work. Take care x

  12. Thanks for checking out my blog. Feel free to leave a comment anytime. I know what you mean about not knowing what advice to give. I feel that way when it comes to other parents of addicts. I'm living it but do I have the right to comfort anyone else when I'm still so screwed up about it all. I think what I am beginning to see is that regardless if we are the addict or the parents of, we are all joined by a mutual desire for a better, healthier life. I pray that we all find it one day!

    *Wishing you some sunshine*


    1. Summer, Thanks. Yes you're right and with all of our combined various experiences with addiction, hopefully we can offer help to one another. We're all praying and hoping for progress and change.
      It made me sad that you missed the light hearted fun that you shared with your husband . . . It's so unfair.
      Thanks for reading here Summer. I look forward to reading more of your blog. Take care x

  13. bugerlugs63- I am sooo very proud of you for not using. You are getting there my friend. Regarding your mom situation, let me share a bit. I'm adopted at the age of 4 months,so my mom and dad although not biological, have always been my parents. My mom is toxic. My late husband and I shared a house with her to help her out with money. It was always how high can I jump to make her happy. Oneday I just decided enough. I have tried really hard to remove all toxic people from my life. I give her a ring about once a month and that's it. If you are around mentally sick people it tends to rub off, I swear. Just be the best you that you can be and if that isn't good enough, than I would reconsider their value in your life. Love always dear!

    1. Thanks Lori, Yes, I did well to not use that day . . . I am getting stronger and braver at feeling this anger. It really happens so often with her . . . Some days I wonder if she is just tactless or if she actually intends to hurt me.
      Either way, as you say, it does rub off and leave it's mark and that's not a good thing. I am trying very hard to accept that she will not change now.
      Thanks for sharing that with me Lori x

  14. why is taht some Christians are not there to help.Always an open door or a warm hug and sholder to cry on?I am Christian but not saved yetI still drink wine.The hot weather is bad for asthma keep away from the muggy air.I wish i was there for you and can drive you.God lisens when you whisper Honest He does.I spent many nights whispering to Him and mostly He came to help me.

    1. Too right Bev, if these folk were truly following the example set by Jesus, their doors and hearts would be open.
      Thanks for being here Bev, take care.