Saturday, 30 June 2012

Saturday night 22.22

O ya bugger I am exhausted . . . We just got in from the school's Summer fete. I thought we best show our faces and Hamper G had heard there would be a bouncy castle; there was but it wasn't as big as those at the carnival. It passed a few hours that should've been spent cleaning, washing, mowing, blah di blah . . . Tommorow.

Now I've pulled my skeleton out of the cupboard and flicked over it with a duster, I feel ready to continue with my story . . . I understand that it's not lighthearted or comfortable reading but it was a dark time . . . I struggled to balance it; to spare the details yet include some of the events that caused the changes in our relationship. I might flash back in the future to random incidents . . . but for now I'm more than ready for the escape! which is also more tragedy than comedy . . . but I can't re-write the past . . .

Talking of which, I was chatting to Mum the other day about how I (and my elder sister) had zero self-confidence or any sense of worth in my teens and 20's  . . . and 30's, and yet looking back at old photos it's hard to imagine "that girl" in the photos, felt that way in her head . . . She said "You were on cannabis though!" . . . O right, that'd be why then . . . that being a well known side effect of cannabis . . . Not.
In fact, smoking cannabis and drinking alcohol boosted my confidence, gave me the courage to speak, to sing . . . it took away the crippling shyness that made me blush, or sometimes even run from the room, if someone was to ask me a question. Always a sense of being "less than" forged by unfavourable comparisons to other people's children . . . "Why can't you be more like Mrs X's daughter?"  . . . "Why don't you open your mouth when you sing in church like Mr Y's daughter"
Hmmm . . . "because I didn't have Mrs X or Mr Y to build me up, love and nurture me; make me feel worthy of that love and nurturing"
Anyway . . . I allowed her to kid herself that cannabis was to blame for my lack of self-belief . . . I wasn't smoking cannabis at twelve, I was too busy being "loved" by middle age paedo tramps beacuse I was flattered that they would love me. OK, I'll stop there. I'm just saying, I won't re-write the past to please or make it comfortable. It wasn't.

So . . .

I managed to stay clean for seven days this week. I would say WayHay!! but having slipped up on day eight, I've sort of missed the wayhay moment! Some of those days were amazingly easy, there was hardly any battle, just the occasional "NO, I will not even consider it today . . . come back and chat tomorrow, (to self) today is not an option, I am staying clean" . . . the desire had all but gone.
I shared this at N/A on Wednesday . . . It's just as well I had something to share. There were just the three of us; the Chairbloke (tough guy), the woman who has five years clean from drink, downers and speed, and me . . . The Chairbloke opened the meeting; he slumped himself into a chair and growled;
" I don't even fucking wanna be here. But then again I don't want to be at home either. Or anyfuckingwhere else . . . I've had a crap "load of bollox" week, I feel like a bag of shit . . . And don't know why the fuck I'm even here" . . . Nice. (there may have been a few more expletives but you get the gist)
The woman asked him,
"Who are you here for?"
"You lot innit?. . . I aint here for myself am I? I'm all done!" was his reply.
"You might as well go now if that's your attitude" she said . . . But he stayed to huff and puff and eat his way through our readings and shares. Ignorant git.

Hmmmm. Not a good atmosphere for a meeting but we carried on, then finished early. Tough guy did briefly share that he had become cynical at the Buddhist centre three weeks ago, had lost his peace and hadn't faced up to going back. I asked after the meeting if he might go back this Friday, and if so, could I get a lift there with him please? . . . I didn't hear from him on Friday so I will look to see if there is a bus route to this place; I'd love to go, I will find a way. Of course.

I put enough money away in the last two weeks for Geekster to have all new Summer clothes to take to Spain next Monday. He's going with his best friend Marley and family (our next door neighbours).
Stropster had his third driving lesson this afternoon, he was almost satisfied that he'd only stalled twice . . . He said the instructor was more than happy with him . . . but Stropster is not as forgiving (of himself or anyone else . . . yet) as the driving instructor. He's agreed to come to the Doctor with me to be referred for anger management courses . . . nip it in the bud as it were. It could be an age/hormone thing but I'm not prepared to take the risk of thinking it will pass with age . . . in case it doesn't.

Hamper G is now settled in school, only two more weeks and the school closes for the Summer holidays . . . I'm so looking forward to camping in Wales this summer. I've paid extra for the "panoramic view pitch" . . . and borrowed a huge trailer tent with "proper" beds, a good size cooker and sink, electrical hook up for fridge, kettle, toaster, laptop, fairy lights etc etc . . . I really am happy and grateful to be able to do this . . .

 . . . And this. Thanks to everyone reading x


  1. I'm just testing to see if I can comment, as Gledwood is having trouble commenting here

    1. Yes, this is how OCD I am about replying to comments!

  2. You went seven days this week! Just try to beat your record and go for 8 next week...and just do it one minute at a time.

    Can't wait for your escape chapter...

    1. Sherry, I replied to your comment (of course) but it has come up as it's own comment further down . . . Sorry about that. I've just noticed you've writen an interesting post about forgiving your mother . . I need to go and read that :-) x

  3. Yes, even as anonymous I can comment!

  4. hey you .. hang in there ... 7 days is a good long stretch! What happened on day 8 to trigger the using? What emotion..? Write it down, and think what can you do next time when that comes and not use. go buy something ridiculously expensive online? get a punching bag and punch the shit out of it? Buy a huge chocolate cake and eat the whole damn thing? Go into a room and scream the walls down? Or go into a room and sing Pat Benitar's "We Belong" at the top of your voice??!! Plan in advance for what you can do next time you get hit with that feeling or emotion or whatever it is that triggers you to reach out for that stuff to make it easier to deal with. I know you can do this. I know you can. Enjoying your blog. Cheers xxxx (this is long, it's been ages since I've commented to you - sorry!) xxx

    1. Hi Mrs D . . . I did wonder at the time why on earth I went and scored. Hideous. I couldn't give myself one good (or bad) reason . . . The possibilities were; because I was so pleased with myself for going a whole week? because I'd saved and spent so much money on Geekster? . . . I know, the list goes on; each reason more hideous than the previous.
      I was feeling so good too. O well, all I can do is start again, one day at a time.
      I hope you keep on blogging, even if it's only once a week, or once a month.
      Thanks for reading and commenting, take care x

  5. Lovey! You shouldn't be so quick to sell yourself short - you know the mantra, progress not perfection. Seven wonderfully sober days - how cool is that? I'll tell ya, very cool!! Like Mrs. D already said, if you know your trigger and can find a way to face it and replace it with a healthier behavior, you'll be golden.

    I wonder if the grumpy dude in your meeting is really just mad at himself? At least he shows up the meetings and acknowledges he needs the help...hopefully, he'll find peace for himself soon.

    Be well, Lovey!

    1. Hi LOvey, I know, I just don't understand for the life of me how I can be feeling so well, then intentionally go and fuck it up . . . Or even kid myself that "Just one" won't fuck it up (when I know it will, I also know there is rarely such a thing as just one!)
      O Well, it aint happening today, no matter how shit I feel, I will get through this day and then the next . . .
      I don't know what grumpy dude's problem is . . . He seems to think he's ok (being 5 years clean).
      Ah well, onwards ans upwards. Hamper G wants breakfast, Stropster wants a cup of tea . . . off we go!
      Thanks for being here Lovey, take care x

  6. Congrats on 7 days clean!!! I love Mrs. D's comment! Especially the Pat Benatar reference. I've sang a few of her songs in my desperate hours but maybe that's just me. Oh, the cake eating too...

    Anyway, I think it's wonderful that you're so honest here about your story. I enjoy your transparent writing style. Your blog is my favorite because of that, actually. I hate that you went through some of the things you did but no need to sugarcoat it, in my opinion. This is life. Truth. It is what it is. As awful as some of what happened to you is, I always enjoy reading what you share and am hanging on the edge of my seat waiting to read about your escape so pretty please don't keep us waiting too long for the next chapter. ;)

    What you said about "Why can't you be like so and so.." My dad did that to me when I was 14 and I'll never forget it, although I'd like to. I had a friend named Jessica, the one friend he approved of, and he asked me why I couldn't be more like her. Maybe if I'd had her dad instead and I wish I'd said that then but I didn't. His words have haunted me for years, and the time he told me he didn't like me. That one still strikes a cord. "I love you because you're my daughter (because I have to) but I don't like you. If we were peers, I wouldn't want to be friends with you." My self esteem was already lower than low back then and he stomped all over my heart. Oh well, fuck him. He's alone now and I like me. Finally, I can say that. Words are weapons. Sometimes I do wonder if he regrets the things he said now. I think he's too obtuse for that, though. It's easier for him to believe that it was me. Oh well. Like everything else, it is what it is. I keep telling myself he was wrong and I'm beginning to believe it, little by little. One day at a time, right. xx

    1. Hi JJ, What a great start to the day, all of these lovely comments. I did pray this morning for some strength . . . then I came here and got some, I really do appreciate all of this.
      Yes I'll put some music on today and have a good sing, that helps . . . maybe some strawberries, cherries, meringue and cream too :-)
      It's amazing how our parents can't remember certain things isn't it . . . I know, I'm far from the perfect mother but my kids know they are loved, valued and that I'm proud of them. And I can admit where I've gone wrong.
      I have talked with my drugs worker about some of this, she has assured me that at 80 my Mum won't change . . . I have to accept the things I cannot change; I'm working on it, Grrrr!
      Your Dad was wrong for sure, as kids we look up to these people and believe that they are grown ups; therefore right . . . then as we get older we realise age doesn't make us right, so maybe they were wrong. No maybe about it. Hey ho . . we live and (hopefully) learn.
      Thanks for being here JJ, have a great day with your family x

  7. You write so well, I am riveted by your story. It must be hard to look back at the life you have lead, or is it therapeutic? Sometimes I have random memories, but they feel like they happened to someone else. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about the using, just keep trying, life is very hard work sometimes!
    I am experiencing massive insecurities at the moment with my new man being younger and a bit of a game-player. Who would have thought sex could mess with your brain so much at 49!!! Might have been easier to stay celibate!
    But I thank you for providing an honest account of your life, past and present, your writing reminds me that it's a big world out there and helps me put my own life/feelings into perspective.
    Love Kiwigirl xxx

    1. Hi Kiwigirl, It is so far in the past that it's like looking back on someone elses life, a movie. I feel totally detached from that particular episode . . . Thank God.
      Yes, I'm sure celibacy must be easier . . . but easy is not always best, or the most fun!
      I was such an insecure pain in the arse in most of my relationships, that I sabotaged them to end the pain . . . Or hurt them beause I was hurting.
      Ooo It's complex! he could be experiencing the same insecurities because you are older and wiser ;-)
      I dreamed the other night that I was in love . . . Boy was I happy when I woke up and realised it wasn't true. I had those butterflies in the stomach feeling just from the dream.
      Thanks for being here Kiwigirl, relax and enjoy! x

  8. Hi Sherry,
    How lovely to wake up on this Sunday morning to all of these lovely comments; starting with yours ;-)
    As soon as I opened my eyes this morning I said the Serenity prayer, then added a few words of my own; Just simply to stay close to what is good and right . . . One minute at a time.
    Thanks for reading and commenting Sherry, I have started the "escape". Take care x

  9. Celebrate the 7 days... keep on, remember some of them as you say were really easy for you - it does get easier, but it does take time. I know all old hands say that but - it is true.

    Good news on HamperG going good at school.

    We had school fete here yesterday - I dodged it to practice guitar and watch MotoGP... my daughter 5ft nothing and light as a feather ended up being asked to join a tug of war team that was short of a member - they lost not surprisingly!

    1. Thanks Furtheron, I just get so pissed off with myself at wrecking that feeling of peace and well-being . . . And it was getting easier for sure, now I'm back to day one, which is always the hardest. I knew I would be here again if I used . . . Cunning and Baffling indeed!
      I will do this, just for today, just for this morning even.
      I tried to dodge the school fete, but guilt got the better of me!
      Ok, got so much to do today . . . The morning has almost gone. It has helped to come here though, to read and "talk".
      Thanks for being here, have a good Sunday x

    2. PS . . . Just read your other reply on previous post . . . I've never even heard of this "50 shades" thing, that's how out of step I am!
      O well, we are allowed to be at 50 . . or 49 ;-)

  10. Good job going 7 days! Now you need to find a better reward than using ;).

    My mother never encouraged. She didn't compare either because no one was ever good enough. But I was held to a ridiculously high standard that no one could measure up to. I made mistakes sexually too just wanting to feel loved. I made sure my kids knew they had my unconditional love. What I didn't realize then was that they would return it later. My daughter likes to mess with my mother by saying "I love you" and forcing her to say it back. It was really hard for her at first but she says it easily enough now. She is opening up and is much warmer and less critical. She was never made to feel loved growing up either and never knew how to show it or was afraid to. This has only come about since mom turned 80. People can change. Or at least you can come to see a new side to them.

    So many things in life take courage or someone to show the way.

    1. I know Jeannie . . . It's not much of a reward is it? feeling ill, dumb and guilty the next day . . then using again to kill those feelings. Foolish.
      Well maybe there is hope then . . . I do try hard to see the good in her, then she'll go and say something that proper grinds on me!
      I just googled this "50 shades" book that Furtheron mentioned in a comment . . . It sounds like the book that you read recently.
      Yes we need some courage to get through this life . . . mostly for dealing with family ;-)

  11. trytrytryagain at commenting...

    ... let's see if this one gets through...


  12. Wow it's working. Hello!!!

  13. Blogger seems to have healed itself.. at long long long long long last.... Whwwwwwww....

    Did smoking cannabis actually boost your selfconfidence, or did it just make you numb to anything...? I don't actually know what cannabis does to other people because I only smoked it for about 2 years, over which time I progressively grew more paranoid, so I find it hard to believe it does anything good to anybody!

    1. Yeah you're back! I just got drenched watching the Olympic torch thing come through town . . . had to be done though.
      Cannabis . . . well yes, back when I was 17, 18, 19 I liked the effect. It kinda mellowed my anxiety and made me less self-conscious. Then at 19 I began drinking with it, so it's hard to say. It was probably more the alcohol that removed my inhibitions and "shyness" . . . I only ever smoked it when I was drinking in the evening and I liked the effect of the two together.
      After I had kids at 33 the effect totally changed and it made me paranoid. I could only smoke it if I drank alcohol first but never on it's own during the day.
      At 38 I found the H . . . and never bothered drinking or smoking cannabis again. I've had the odd drag of a spliff and yes, it still makes me paranoid, self-conscious and uneasy . . . I really don't like it.
      I wish I could say the same about gear . . . back on day one again, I will get through today.
      I'm glad you can comment again ;-)
      Take care, with love x

  14. I understand.You know how you say you wont rewrite the past to make it more comfortable.I know that feeling.My parents are gone.a long time i felt betraded by them.they got me an operation to be sterile when I was a teenager and I use to be mad about it.but I made up my mind to forgive any mistakes they made and I hope they forgive me for mine.Have fun camping.that so relaxing.Drinking always makes me feel good at the end of a day.You were shy?I always like shy people.they are the most sweet.

    1. O Bev, that's awful, dreadful . . . You must be some special lady to find forgiveness, I admire that. I think forgiving is one of the hardest, but probably the most important, things we do in our lives, to allow us to move on.
      I drank for about 20 years until I found Heroin. Drinking got me into a lot of fights with ex partners. I was terribly shy, I actually still am.
      Thanks for reading and commenting Bev, take care x