Tuesday, 11 September 2012

A huge But . . .

Rightio, in line with my "honesty being the best policy" policy I'm going to get it all out there, as it were.

Some things have improved over the last week; I took Hamper G to see her Dad on Friday, which I'll write about another time . . . but at least I faced the visit and didn't cancel, as I did the week before. Hamper G is settling at school in the mornings. She has a gentle, caring teacher who has very quickly noticed that if she gives Hamper G a job to do, making her feel useful and responsible, she is happy to let go of me and get on with her duties. I'm grateful to her teacher for taking the time to do this as it's made a huge difference to both of us. My energy has improved, maybe the four mile daily walk has helped with this . . . I haven't quite started decorating yet but I am keeping busy . . . ish. . . most days.

But . . .

Yes there is a but.

I am struggling to get one clean day. In fact, I'm finding it impossible. I've thought long about this, I've fought with it, taken the days an hour at a time, the hours a minute at a time and pretty much tried everything that worked last time . . . and failed. Well, almost everything.

There is one thing I haven't tried, I haven't been to N/A throughout the Summer holidays. I left a comment on Dawn's Blog a couple of days ago, Dawn is writing a month of recovery posts based on the twelve steps programme, and in her reply she mentioned that her only concern was that I was doing this alone, as in no face-to face contact. Maybe I need to get back to N/A, be it the local branch or in the nearby city, I need to meet people who have beat this shit and stayed clean. N/A is the only place that I've ever found clean addicts. To talk and listen to people who have fought this battle . . . I'm not thinking that it will suddenly be easy or that N/A can do this for me, but I do believe that it helped me last time and at the minute I will try anything that might help.

It's very confusing; knowing that I won't see the trap that I'm in, until I'm out of it. Knowing that I'm blindfolded and numb, wanting to feel the severity of this, but not being able to . . . Knowing that the insanity will only become clear with hindsight. I can talk of it now, but I can't feel it. It's just words. I used to say "If I wasn't an addict I could get off this shit" I know that sounds ridiculous but I mean, If I was my pre-addicted self, of course I would have the strength and the sight to see the situation for what it is . . . but in the midst of addiction it's nigh on impossible to see it. It's like standing in the fog for so long that you become accustomed to it . . .  not being able to recall how things looked without the fog. Not noticing how foggy it is until you are no longer in the fog and have something to compare it to. I know I've had clean times recently and I felt so much better. But I can't feel that at the minute . . . I can't grasp how good it felt to be out of the fog. Cunning and baffling indeed. It's just another trick. When we have clean time, it's easy to look back at the addicted times and see, even feel, how enslaved and trapped we were . . . yet when we are using it doesn't seem possible to look back and see, let alone feel, how free and full of life we were, when we were clean.

I'm not sure if this makes much sense, I'm just thinking really. And tired.

Anyway it's late and I'm off to bed.  I will try again tomorrow to stay clean and to write something earlier on in the day. Maybe I will see things more clearly. I'll let you know . . .
Thanks to each one of you for being here.

Written Monday night. Posted early Tuesday morning.


  1. Sending so many caring thoughts your way. Addiction (to anything) is a lying treachorous beast. And yes, easy to recognise it when it has been defeated, but at the moment it is still able to hide in the undergrowth and trap you.
    When you are ready. And if NA can help, that would be wonderful. Someone to share the journey who had a map to where the traps are.

    1. Thanks E's C, I so want to be on other side of this . . . All I can do is try again today. As soon as I say that, I hear "well that's not worked so far, so why would it work today" . . . Then I say, well today is a new day, it might be different . . . And on and on it goes.
      I've only got a few minutes here before it's time to get kids up for school, then do the big weekly shop and another busy day . . .
      I will keep trying, I know it only takes one day of clarity to start seeing it for what it is. I hope and pray that's today.
      Sending love to both of you x

  2. You are making perfect sense. I remember feeling this way in the midst of a relapse. It's so depressing! There just doesn't seem to be any way out...emotionally. But intellectually I knew there was and I think tat was my catalyst. I wish I could give you the step-by-step but it's different for everyone.

    So I'll just send prayers, good thoughts and lots of love. Don't stop writing-we're here to support you. And for what it's worth, go back to NA. Can't hurt...might help. What have you got to lose?

    On a different note. Thanks for your recent supportive comments on my posts. Don't ever worry about what you write on those comments - I "get" you.

    Much love and support,

    1. What a day! just sat down at 8pm, since 8am.
      Thanks for your prayers and love Sherry. I will try the city N/A. Like you say, it has to be worth a try.
      Hugs and love sent to you x

  3. Makes complete sense to me. I had a year of stopping by myself and just failed. I was just becoming am unpredictable binge drinker. The rooms helped me simply as there are others like me just trying to make it.

    Btw your but(t) isn't that big. Boom boom ;-)

    1. @ Graham - Btw your but(t) isn't that big. Boom boom ;-) - ha ha ha!!!

      Lovey!!! My favorite chickie!! I have to wonder, I mean seriously wonder, as I read this, I absolutely get it. I understand from the very first word to the last. So, why the wonder? Is it because I'm an addict? Or is it because you explained it so well? I don't know. See what you did there, Lovey? You got me pondering on something...great, this may turn into a bizarre blog post - you know how I am =)

      Anyway, enough about me. Speaking from my own experience, I was sober from drugs for close to twenty years before I stepped foot in a support group (you know what kind) and lemme tell ya, for me, it helped. I was with people who understood me, shared a commonality, held no judgment, nodded when I worked up the courage to speak. Eventually, I just got to a place where I knew it was time to push myself to work on me. Hard. But, that's me..and it took a long time for me to get there....

      I just know you have it in you, Lovey. If you felt good there before, why not try it again? And, if I recall, there was that one guy that kinda put you off - grumpy guy (?) - meh, forget him. You conquered the hardest part already, you walked through the door once, you can do it again. And, maybe you can try phone meetings?

      I'll end the longest comment ever here...I just have a lot of love for you. Don't mean to be all pushy and stuff.

      Much love, tons of hugs!!!


    2. Furtheron, I knew someone would make the but(t) joke, I was kind of asking for it really . . . I might have known it would be a man ;-)
      I will definitely give N/A another try, but maybe a bigger one in the city.
      Thanks for being here x

    3. Lovey, don't worry about long commemts at all . . . I appreciate every word of it.
      Yeah, grumpy guy did put me off a bit and for the last few meetings it was just me and him. He's the only ex-Heroin addict there but he wouldn't be a suitable sponsor so I think I will have to try and find a city meeting in the day time.
      I don't think you're pushy at all Lovey, I know you understand addiction in many forms.
      Thanks for being here. Love and hugs sent to you too x x x

    4. I was just impressed that for once I was the first one to get the obligatory butt gag in! Achievement of the year possibly ;-)

  4. Much love to you my dear...I do think its impossible to do alone. Just don't give up...which it doesn't sound like you are, but just for today, keep putting one foot in front of the other, both figuratively and literally! lol I am praying for you to find strength for just one day.

    1. Thanks Annette, I was thinking about you and your daughter today, and hoping she is finding the strength to do this . . . I feel exactly what you mean when you wrote that she was being pulled in two directions.
      I never expected to go so suddenly, and so far, backwards on this journey . . . I still wonder if the depression/Prozac left me too complacent to keep fighting. I don't suppose it matters as long as I find some fight from somewhere. Love and thanks to you Annette x x

  5. Oh Baby. I'm sure going back to N/A will help. Having people who have done what you are trying to do even if their reasons for using or situations are entirely different - they understand the pull and the frustration. You've had some unsettled days lately - yes, you will have to learn to face them if you want to stay clean but you can be forgiven. Remember that none of us are perfect. Maybe change your dealer's number on your phone to your sponsor's number. I know that you aren't likely to actually trick yourself, but it will make you think twice. I wish it were that easy. Imagine a hug from me when you are feeling weak. I would give you one. As you say, one day, when all this is behind you, you will wonder what your deal was. But when you are weak, you feel alone and in pain, and you need something to make that feeling go away. Maybe all of us feel it - we just find different ways to handle it. You just need a new one that's less destructive.

    1. Hi Jeannie, I hope so, I'm willing to try it anyway. I do think I would be better to find a bigger meeting in the city, as the local one was very limited, with only one ex Heroin addict; a grumpy arrogant one at that.
      I got through twelve hours of busy, busy today and felt absolutely fine (apart from the raging hot flashes and sweats) . . . I had no good (or bad) reason to use at all. Just a senseless compulsion.
      I feel like I give in to it too soon. Like all the reasons that I've listed througout the day for stopping, disappear out of reach, out of mind.
      I will keep trying and definitely find a meeting that I can attend.
      Thanks for your encouragement Jeannie and for your hugs, they mean a lot to me x x

  6. I know exactly where you're coming from. We all use use use. Guilt-tripping yourself about it really won't help ~~ know what I mean.

    ps thanx for the comments. I knew you had some secret re getting the clothes to really pong of conditioner and it has to be adding it for last rinse.

    sorry can't comment longer 2nite about to be timed out XX

    1. Gledwood, To tell you the truth, I'm too numb to even feel guilty.
      My only moments of anything vaguely resembling clarity are roughly at 6.30 am, just before I get up. Some mornings I get a real sense of how bad, how wasteful and destructive this addiction is . . . I wish I could keep hold of that feeling and realisation. It just fades throughout the day. I will keep trying though and I'll go to N/A again.
      I'm glad I could be of help with the Lenor, I hope you try it and let me know.
      Take care and thanks for being here. With love, as always x x x

    2. You were talking about your pre-addicted self. My pre-addicted self used to have a stronger will than practically anyone I knew (though I never came across that way). Then that will got turned against me and my will was a will to use. So I was completely fucked. Also the two years or more at the beginning where I thought I was giving up tomorrow, or at the end of the week, or next week... I felt much happier when I came to terms with myself and thought "I'm a junkie and I will use till I die" it was much simpler and much more comfortable and telling myself I wanted to stop. Some staff at the methadone clinic even said if I wanted to go on the way I was, which meant using less than I had before, then that was fine. The new policy by the new fuckwits in charge of goverment seems to be to force everyone to stop. Even though they've pretty much acknowledged that ridiculous policy of pushing everyone through rehab (how the hell were they going to afford THAT? Especially considering most people need three, four or five or more stints?) has quietly been SHELVED!

      Anyway I was going to say, the number of times I decided to stop and let myself down, usually within hours, was too much to count. I broke so many promises to myself I just CANNOT BELIEVE ANYTHING I SAY...

    3. ps the blue Lenor has to wait till next week when I can afford nonessentials again............ hey I bet you don't consider Lenor nonessential do you!

      I'm getting the most concentrated formulation I can find, as my conditioner drawer seems to overflow sending most of it straight down the pipe with the first wash. I'm going to try and work out how to get it in there for the last rinse, but have no idea how many rinses my machine does. There seem to be LOADS of them with ridiculous amounts of spinning right when Judge Judy is trying a very important case. It's just untenable!!

    4. Gledwood, Well, yes sometimes I do have to wait until pay day to get Lenor, in which case, I let a few loads of washing pile up while I wait, as I can't bear to do a wash without Lenor . . . Or, if it's only a couple of days until payday, I wash and fold the clothes, then, when I buy the Lenor, I put the clothes back in the machine on rinse cycle with glugs of Lenor to celebrate ;-)
      Do you have a dial that goes round as the wash progresses . . . so you can see when it's about five minutes from the end? If not, I suppose you'll have to watch and guess the first few times, Oh the trials!
      I know exactly what you mean by not believing a word you say to yourself anymore . . . Even as I make my resolutions of the new day there is always another voice chirping in "Yeah, yeah, you said all this yesterday, save your breath Bugerlugs, you know where this is going . . ."
      And on and on I go, having conversations with myself. When I was using once every four or five days (pre-Wales) I had these same conversations, but the "Fuck you gear, I ain't listening" voice was much louder with more conviction . . . Since Wales, I've struggled to hear/feel that voice, the "user" has the stronger voice at present . . . And using just gives it more strength. A viscious circle.
      I really hope we can do this, we both know enough to know that there is so much more to life.
      Anyway, it's Lenor day tomorrow. I cleaned the nine Robo cages/tanks out today . . . Your pups are starting to take an interest in each other, time to separate them soon. It's a shame because they all live so happily together, I'll get a video of them all soon. Take care Gledwood, with love x x x

    5. The dial does not go round it is constantly set on Wash No 4, which is "nonfast coloureds" at 40C on nearly every machine I've used. So I have to go through near mental meltdown counting the fucking washes when all I wanna do when that Bloody Thing starts spinning like crazy is run as far away as possible. I have no patience for anything much. Eg it took 2 weeks to actually sort through what TV channels I actually have and save them as "favourites" (so the clicker doesn't keep hitting blank/scrambled ones). I hope the Furry Swine comes back to you soon. I went maybe 4 days, maybe more one time when Itchy vanished (basically because I picked her up then gauched out ~ the same reason she always escaped). Uuuuuuuuuuu I have to go PS I was protected from all worldly things by some faux and some real Godly things and was totally fucked when time came to make my way in the world. Ukkkkk.

    6. Today I ended up watching TV in Dutch and wondering why I didn't understand half of it. (I can understand what Dutch people are talking about; just cannot follow all of it. This is because some people, esp. Germans, don't even consider Dutch a proper language, more a dialect of Low German (which technically it is). What the fuck has this to do with anything I wanted to say something else but it has fled from me...

      o yeah have a look at my crying angel it is to the top R of my blog. I don't know why the obsession with weeping spirits. Maybe it represents my Guardian Angel who must be tearing his/her feathers out with frustration at my behaviour....

    7. Has the Furry Wanderer finally returned..??

  7. Silly girl, we all "get" you. So many of us "are" you. Don't forget that!!

    You wrote - "yet when we are using it doesn't seem possible to look back and see"

    No, when we are using, our mind is in full blown addiction. This means that the addiction has the control, not us. Clarity is gone when our addictions are active,,,
    All we know is to contemplate, "when am I going to get high next"

    Here's the NA thing,,, don't over think this. What you are doing, , isn't working. Remember, this is insanity - doing the same thing , but expecting a different result.

    Doesn't work that way. So, yes,, you need to make a change. Attending NA appears to be a change for you right now. So, heck ya, go - GO as often as you are able - hell, make yourself able!!!!

    I'm so sorry, but are you in Australia? No matter; you're not in the US right? Here, we provide counseling 1:1 with our methadone program. Were you just picking up your dose and, voila' - you're on your own??? If so, well. . . I'll keep my mouth shut..

    You hang in there - you have peeps ALL OVER THE WORLD cheering you on. Donp't quit before the miracle happens

    1. Hi Dawn, I'm in the UK. I do see a "drugs worker" for half an hour every two weeks when I pick up my script . . . We have a chat about how things are going, but I rarely come away from there feeling any different.
      I know I have to change something to get a different result, absolutely . . . I'm just struggling with making that change at the minute. I will go back to N/A, just to see people who have beaten this gives me hope. I will try a bigger meeting where I might find a mentor until I'm clean enough to get a sponsor (30 days, I believe).
      But for now, I will hang in here and try to make one small change. I really appreciate having this place to come to, and every single word of support, love and encouragement that I've had over the last year (almost!).
      Thanks for being here Dawn x x x

  8. Keep hanging on and trying.

    Sorry this sounds so trite, but I've no experience with what you're going through, although I do think that groups can be much stronger than individuals.

    We all hope you'll do it.

    1. Twisted Scottish Bastard.
      I will. It doesn't sound trite and I think you're right about groups being stronger than individuals.
      Thanks for reading, I'll keep on trying x

  9. Hoping and praying for some clarity for you today.
    Kiwigirl xxx

    1. Thanks Kiwigirl, Muchly appreciated.
      I thought about you today; Hamper G went into class alone! I've been going in to settle her (change shoes/hang coat up etc) until the teacher has time to whisk her away to do a "job" . . . But not today! I left her at the door and off she went to the cloakroom. I'm not sure who was the most surprised; me or her teacher ;-) Massive progress!!
      Love sent to you x x x

    2. That's good news! I often think of you when we get "cling-ons" and have to prise them off their mothers and within 5 minutes they are smiling and playing, little buggars!
      KG xxx

  10. For me its hard going to meetings and being open about my problems after Im done I feel like I need a drink to put in behind me but my logic is all wrong even though my intentions are good.
    Going to the meetings and having a sponser and support group must be really helpful.
    You did do really well.Never forget that.You where off it.You did it once thats better then never having been off.Me trying to give advice is crazy but my intentions are good my friend.
    Always on your side.
    You are loved.
    You are never alone.

    1. Thanks Bev, Your intentions are good and so is your input. Hearing from other addicts (whether they are sober or still using/drinking) is helpful. We can share our struggles as well as our triumphs.
      And you're right to remind me that, not so long ago, I did almost beat this, so I know it's possible and within reach, even if it doesn't feel that way.
      Thanks for being here Bev and for being a good friend. Love sent to you x x x

  11. Great blog bugerlugs. Honest, sincere, and even funny; I'm proud to announce that you are the first blog that I have subscribed to. I'm also a recovering addict and am not out of the woods yet. Tough road to walk. Anyways, it seems like you guys have a nice little community of support here and I just started my own blog chronicling my past and present struggles with addiction. I just put up my first post and am desperate for feedback haha. So if you ever have the time you should check it out. In the meantime, I'll be tuning in for more of your posts. Stay Strong, life's struggles happen for a reason.

    1. Hey I've just come back from your blog. I hadn't seen this comment but noticed a "new follower" and went to check you out! Yep, I even left some feedback . . .
      My Son (17) used to love Eminem and Dr Dre and all that, I liked some of their stuff. Clever lyrics really.
      Anyhow, time to get the kids up and get on with this day, a new day . . . A clean day? why do I think I already know the answer to that, is it so predictable?
      Ok, thanks for reading Mr Schmidt, and I'll be back to read your story, take care x

  12. Bugs, I am not an addict or an alcoholic but have seen the results of those who are and are in recovery. They have told me that they could not do it alone as if they were their own Higher Power. They went to a 12 step program, got a sponsor, went through the steps and were willing to work the program. I hope that you will go to NA and will be willing to do the work. Have you read the book Narcotics Anonymous? I think it's worth your life to go through the steps and to keep in touch with a sponsor.

    1. Hi Syd, I'm really happy to see you're still here. I have found a city N/A that meets on a Wednesday lunch time so I'll get the train over there. I need 30days clean to get a sponsor, I believe. (and there wouldn't have been a suitable sponsor at my local group)
      I have got the Blue book N/A sixth edition (?) but I absolutley need to go there and meet people who I can talk with. I am praying and hoping this will make the difference for me. Just meeting other clean addicts gives me hope . . .
      Thanks for being here Syd, you're much appreciated. Take care x

    2. I'm here, Bugs. And thank you for being here and being honest. I want this to work for you so badly.

  13. Thanks for having the courage to be honest. I do think that maybe if NA worked for you before maybe there is no harm in giving it another go. Someone once told me that if I wanted to spend my life numb and in a fog, that what was I living for? Whatever it takes to make you happy my friend, do it. Find your joy. There is no joy in an empty blackened spoon. I know this for a fact. I am rooting for you and I believe you can do anything you set your mind too...xoxo

    1. your honesty moves me
      how are you doing today?

    2. Thanks for such lovely words of encouragment Lori.
      I sometimes scare myself by thinking "God" will say "OK, if you want to sit around numbed out by pain killers for half your life, I will soon give you a good reason to" . . . I hope it doesn't really go like that, but I know I should be living life to the full and appreciating my health and life.
      I will keep your previous comment right in the front of my mind, about every day being a brand new opportunity to start again and forget about yesterday (today).
      There is no joy in this at all, you're right Lori . . . I'll read these comments again in the morning as I start a brand new day.
      Thanks again for your support and truth, it means a lot to me. Love and hugs to you for being a friend x x x

    3. John, I'm doing good thanks. It's a brand new day (mon), a brand new opportunity to start again. So here's to a new day (raising my coffee) and a new strength. I hope you have a good day too x

  14. Bugs, maybe because you are a functioning addict--you are not homeless, prostituting, abscessed, etc.--it's easier for you to continue. If Andrew uses once,he is off to the races...for him it really is jail, institutions or death. There is no "in between" He HAD to quit, he had no other choice..his back to the wall and all that.

    You have not reached the point of having no where to sleep, eat, no phone, no ID, no friend, no family who will help. I'm not saying I want that to happen to you, just that an addict needs to be forced into a situation where they can't continue to use..the consequences are just too great.

    I'm pretty certain you cannot "just quit" on your own. There are tons of online recovery forums. Have you tried any of them? Lots of support there.

    1. Hi Lou, Just having morning coffee before I get the kids up ;-)
      Yes, I totally get what you're saying and I think this does play a part for sure. It's easier for the addict me to justify it, having worked a ten hour day, spent £130 on food, walked 4 miles a day, etc etc . . .
      I was saying to an on-line friend, just the other day, I hope it doesn't take another near-death chest infection again (as in Feb 12), to give me the push in the right direction.
      Yet, however well I function, I know deep down, that I felt more at peace, laughed more, cried more (!) and reaped so much good when I wasn't using. Logically, I know it's worth trading, I really do . . . But the addict in me flicks logic out the window.
      I am definitely heading over to the city (daytime) N/A and maybe even the local one when I can find a "baby-sitter".
      Meantime, I will see today as a brand new day, a brand new opportunity to start afresh . . . Just for today.
      Thanks for being here Lou and making me think before I start the day. I will loook on-line for recovery forums. Enjoy your day x x x

  15. Hey! I'm worried about you. You okay? My email is on my blog if you want to drop me a line. If not, that's okay too. Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you.


    1. Sherry, Bless your heart, thankyou. I came here last night to write . . . It took me so long to catch up reading all blogs (and not even commenting - Well done on the weight loss! ;-) and replying to some comments, that I was ready for bed before I had chance to write a post.
      I'm hoping I will get time today once I've walked the kids to school . . . And found (and caught!) the hamster that ran across the floor in the night!
      It's a new day, another opportunity to get it right.
      Thanks for being here Sherry. Coffee gone, time to wake the choolies! Love sent to you x x x