Thursday, 27 September 2012

The Dream and all things mythical . . .

OK, I'm gonna write, right now. I've got a heap of paperwork, phone calls, e-mails and messages to deal with but they will all have to wait . . . I'm not even gonna take time to read any Blogs this morning or comment; if I do, before I know it, it will be midday, then I'll need to spend this afternoon catching up with life and, once again, I'll be too tired to post tonight. So, here I am at 9.30 am.

I had a very weird and telling dream last night. It seemed to play through the whole night but I'm sure it didn't . . . There was some kind of huge pagan festival, which I was walking through. Sometimes indoors; rooms from the commune where I lived, from the houses of my childhood, hospital rooms and classrooms. Sometimes outside; fields, rivers, bridges, railroads . . . but always surrounded by a whirlwind of weirdness (there's a surprise!) At one point I looked down to see I was pregnant and wearing a purple fleece dressing gown. A nurse came through a door and called me into a room to question my drug taking (whilst pregnant - Guilt!) . . . She said I could take a pill and the baby would go away . . . Go away? I looked at least 8 months gone.

Next thing, I was carried along by a very enthusiastic crowd, down to a wide, raging river from which were emerging, what can only be described as bears . . .  bears with limbs as long as those of a human,  . . . Folk were clambering to hug one of these "bears", the bears were revered, worshipped, magical, mythical beings . . . "Get one!" they called to me. "Get that one!" That one, being the one who was coming towards me, looking like he might get me first! Personally, I wasn't too trusting of these beings and certainly didn't have any intention of hugging one. Again, I looked down, this time I noticed that I had no shoes on . . . "I have to go" I called "I need to find my shoes" and clambered, sometimes forward, then slipping backwards up (and down) the very slippery, wet, muddy river bank (trying to get away from something that many people find appealing . . . hmmmm) OK, you don't need me to explain, I know.

Then . . . bear with me (bear!), I can't remember much more, but this is VERY clear . . . I was on the inside of a square tower, empty, apart from a staircase winding up along the inside of the four walls . . . Many parts of the staircase were missing; sometimes the outer rail, sometimes a few steps, other times many steps. Occasionally, where there were huge gaps, there would be a table nailed to the wall (!) . . . On these tables were jewels and crystals, statues and trinkets for sale. Distractions, designed to stop me moving on up! . . .  I digress . . . I (?) was singing . I question the "I", as this was the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. It was more than a voice. It was an uplifting (literally), spine-tingling, ethereal, angelic choir, yet I was controlling it. When "I" sang, I floated over these gaps, they were gone, I was "as if by magic" on the other side of them. When "I" stopped singing, I struggled; alternating between edging my way along, hanging from the loose and broken rails, and attempting to reach across empty gaping spaces to the next steps. I was aware that I had "written" this song, this wordless, amazing melody was straight from my soul. . . I wish I could remember it, although I know that is not the point of this dream . . . Again, you don't need me to tell you.

OK, back to reality . . . My "main man" got sent down for six months yesterday (not drugs related). Obviously this doesn't make it impossible for me to score, but it's certainly a major deterrent. To go from having it discreetly delivered to my front room, of an evening, to having to visit a well known, well watched, often raided, crack den in the middle of town and in the middle of the afternoon, makes a huge difference to me. Town is almost a mile away and as I already walk four miles a day, unless I go there as part of my journey on the way to school, alone, in the afternoon (a very small tiny weeny window of opportunity temptation) . . . I will not be doing it at all. And when I say often raided; that's by police and crack fiends with machetes. This could be just what I need . . . divine intervention! I've already imagined many nightmare scenarios that could occur, visiting that place . . . hmmmm.

Unfortunately, I didn't get to the city N/A this Wednesday as I had an appointment with the doctor and a "breathing review" yesterday. In fact I barely sat down yesterday between 7am and 8pm. I've introduced Mother to Hamper G's wonderful teacher as "Grandma, who will be picking her up on a Wednesday afternoon"  . . . So, definitely next Wednesday. I've made sure I have no other appointments.

O My, it's midday! how did that happen. I must go. I need to find my shoes! . . . I have a feeling I will remember more snippets of this dream as I go through the day. Yes, it was one of those dreams. I've already remembered another piece but it involves my phobia, so I'll keep hold, or rather, let go of that bit . . . It obviously represents a lot of stuff that I want to get away from. And, indeed, how to get away . . . I need to find my shoes first . . . I'm off to look for them.

I will catch up later with your Blogs, of course.

Thanks to everyone for reading, commenting, sharing their lives or just being. One week today is my first anniversary of Blogging . . . I really hope, pray, wish and want, more than ever, to be clean. Love, love and more love to you all  x x x

I have ridden comet tails in search of magic rings,
to conjure mythical kings, mythical kings . . .
Singing scraps of angel song, high is right and low is wrong,
and I never taught myself to give,
down, down, down where the Iguanas live.

PS . . . I gotta tell you this. I just picked up my list of fourteen "things to do" today, ranging from sending Hamper G's Dad (in prison) some new socks to phoning Virgin Media, with all manner of things inbetween. None of which I've done, yet, as I've been here . . . So. I added "write a post" to the end of the list and gave it a huge, satisfying tick ;-)


  1. What a fantastic dream.I am very scared of heights and the broken stair case would wake me up in panic.I wonder who the nurse or bears represented?I hope your remember or re-dream the beautiful melody from your soul.It must be wonderful!Some off my dreams give so much freedom and capabilities & some exhaust me and I wake up feeling tired and all worn out.Like I was really out there doing all this stuff.
    Im so happy to be reading your posts!
    I been missing you♥
    All good things to you and lots and lots of loveXoXoxo

    1. Hi Bev, I know that feeling of waking up emotionally exhausted from it all . . . feeling as though it really happened. Sometimes I can't remember any of the dream, but the emotion is very clear. That can be frustrating as it floats around my mind all day, just out of reach.
      I'm gonna make time to post at least twice a week.
      Much love to you Bev and thanks for being here x x x

  2. err... no comment on the dream - what on earth!

    Good luck with the NA etc.

    1. Hi! Yes, what on earth indeed! It was all so clear, so real.
      I'll certainly write about the N/A next week. Take care x

  3. Replies
    1. Sherry, I do grow much closer to music when I have any clean time, even one day. Whether it be listening to music, playing music or singing. The Heroin destroys that relationship . . . leaves me numb to it all, well, it would. It's jealous of any other relationship.
      I will sing! thanks Sherry x

  4. Well we all have a harrowing journey if we look closely - with lots of distractions along the way and when we are in the right frame of mind we breeze right along.

    I've had musical dreams and wished I could remember the song when I awoke even if it wasn't the point of the dream. Perhaps we all have a song inside us.

    I don't seem to get anything done ever. constantly behind.

    I hope you don't take any "unnecessary" risks to get product - I hope you can be strong and clean as you hope to be. I don't know if it will help in your case but GABA (Aminobutyric Acid) -available at the health store (here it now must be sold with B6) really helps with my anxiety - and I know many others it works on too. I mean that this helps almost right away - is inexpensive - and can be stopped without withdrawal (I took it daily for probably a year and then sort of forgot about it for quite a while until I realized I was anxious again)

    (from the net: GABA is a non-essential amino acid which functions as an inhibitory calming neurotransmitter in your brain. It is found in high concentrations only in your brain & eyes. It can be derived from protein foods or manufactured in your body from glutamic acid.*

    GABA is usually deficient in both clinical & experimentally induced seizures. Low levels of GABA promote excitatory neurotransmitters. Low GABA levels have been found in the brains of patients with multiple sclerosis, action tremors, tardive dyskinesia, & other disorders of movement. Low GABA levels have been found in panic, anxiety, depression, alcoholism, & bipolar disorders.*

    Seriously - try it - it's one of the few "natural" things I've tried that actually make a noticeable difference and not just a vague "well, maybe I feel better" placebo kind of better (the other one is grapefruit seed extract for burning mouth) It does need to be taken daily (maybe twice depending on the strength) just like any medication) When I use it, I have little inclination to drink or even use pain meds as much.

    1. I'm waiting patiently for one of those "right frame of mind" phases to come along, where I just breeze on through ;-). You're right though, they do come along and surprise us.
      I will go to the healthstore and ask about this GABA. The anxiety has lessened somewhat, but that can also come and go for no apparent reason so it's hard to know whether the medication is working, or not . . .
      O well, things are pretty good in general and I'm still feeling quite hopeful (that's two days in a row!) so maybe I'm about to breeze along any day now, let's hope so . . . But what of you Jeannie? where have you gone? I'll come and check your Blog to make sure Blogger hasn't hidden a post from me!? It must be weeks now. I hope all is well with you, with love x

    2. I'm still around - I just don't have anything much to say - same old day in and out. Not accomplishing much while trying to keep my head above water. I could use some motivation - wonder if there's something at the health store for that!

  5. What an intense dream. Have you been eatng too much cheese? or have the kids started drawing bears all over the place?

    I wouldn't call the 6 month sentence "divine intervention" but it could be a good extra incentive to keep clean. Hope it works.

    Hmm...phobia, wonder what. Mine's now panty liners.

    1. Twisted Scottish Bastard,
      No, no cheese. No bear drawings! I seem to get one of these dreams maybe twice a month . . . I've no idea why those nights are any different to any other nights.
      I'm not sure I'd call it "divine intervention" either, really. More to do with him being an out and out criminal!
      O Boy, those panty liners! . . . I've had some laughs thinking about your story, "Shuffling and wincing" ;-)

  6. Fabulous dream, lots of stuff in there to over-analyse! I think that cloud of your main man going to prison could definitely have a silver lining for you. Good luck, and keep on clambering upwards looking for those elusive 'shoes'.
    Laura xx

    1. if I saw you in the schoolyard....I would say hello! xxx

    2. Hi Laura, I think John was replying to something I wrote in a comment on his Blog . . . But I do believe he would say hello to you too, if he saw you in the playground ;-)
      I will keep on clambering, looking for silver lined clouds and shoes!
      Much love to you, as always x x x

  7. This dream seems to have come at the right time for you. I can already sense that you are feeling more positive about things, now that you know your subconscious thinks you can do.

    After your low dip the other week, I did worry, but like a phoenix, you are rising again out of the ashes. reborn so to speak, with new opportunity and ethusiams. The Phoenix is also know to sing the most beautiful of song.

    No one said it will be easy, but I promise that it will be worth it. Work for it. Though keep in mind that there will still be times when things get hard. For example when your main man gets back out. But by then, if you work now, you will be much stronger and the temptation will be much less.

    Look after yourself.

    1. Kim, Yes, I definitely am seeing it as a time to make one huge great effort. I'm being helped in so many ways, that I would be a fool not to help myself now, when the timing seems so right . . . But I have been known to be a fool. I am forever hopeful though and quite optimistic too at the moment
      Thanks for taking the time to think and write about my situation when you are so unwell. I hope things are improving for you Kim, take care x

  8. Have always loved this song, remember when you shared it ages ago how happy I was! Sending you lots of love .. from afar .. lots of love and hugs and thoughts and best wishes. I know you can strive for all that you want and deserve. You deserve the best. You are a very thoughtful and honest and brave and special soul. xxxx

    1. Mrs D, Yes, I thought of you when I posted this song. I do remember how happy you were, I think it was the "Going home" version of this song, a sort of compelation of the two.
      Thanks Mrs D for being here . . . And for so many encouraging and lovely words. Enjoy your holiday x

  9. Oh my. I have been missing you and hoping that you would feel up to posting again. And today my wishes were granted.
    That was a dream and a half. I love the musical interlude, with the powers that you had.
    And yes, the main man's trip away may make all the difference.
    Remember, we are with you on this journey and are always available at the end of the keyboard.
    Take care.

    1. The Elephant's Child, Sometimes the weeks just fly by and suddenly I realise it's been four or five days since I posted. I'm glad now that I put my "to do" list to one side and sat down to write . . . I will do that more often.
      It was a very vivid dream. Once or twice a month I get this type of dream, as soon as I wake up I sit still and try to recapture the events, the faces and places before they dissolve. It often makes me wonder how our minds conjure up such "reality" . . . It's beyond me.
      Thanks for always being here with me on this journey. I hope life is good for both of you x

  10. Dear one- I have no idea why I've never visited you. Or have I? My memory...I am old.
    But anyway, here I am. You have been visiting me and commenting forever and I just need to apologize and say I'm sorry, I'm sorry but here I am.
    Yours truly...Ms. Moon

    1. Ms Moon, Well, what a wonderful surprise!
      There's no need to apologise, not at all. It's great to see you here and that's more than Okay.
      What used to be my morning coffee and cigarette, is now coffee, ciggy and "Love in Lloyd" . . . It's 11.30pm now so I'll look forward to reading some more "Love in Lloyd" tomorrow morning. Goodnight Ms Moon and thankyou so much for visiting tonight, with love x

  11. You have to go down the crackhouse to score? That's horrible. I haven't even been nr a crackhouse in years (at least not knowingly). But this is London & things are different: when it's not home-delivery it's nearly all street-corner which I probably hate as much as you hate the crackhouse.

    NEway I didn't come to say that I came to say I did Blue Lenor and it worked on just 4 capfuls!

    PS have you read that really offputting fire risk warning on the bottle? I blogged about that 2day.

    PPS any sign of the furry pinging escapee?

    1. Hi Gledwood . . . Well I don't know of any other option, as yet. I've always used the same source . . . I'm hoping I will just let it go, but as we both know, hope is not enough . . . I just fell asleep then with my finger on the s, there were hundreds of them, I'm so so tired.
      I'm beyond pleased that you finally tried the real Blue Lenor! at last!! That's it now, there'll be no going back, you'll be bang at it . . . Three litre habit a week before you know it. Nothing compares.
      I haven't seen the swineling for a few nights now . . . If I wasn't so tired I might be worried. Usually when I worry, he puts in an appearance to reasuure me, then scuttles of again. I'll try and keep one eye open for him. I hope you're OK, have a great weekend Gledwood, with love x

  12. Lovey!! In my own experience, dreams are my minds way of working through things I haven't been able to sort through just yet. Once I've had a dream about whatever it is, my mind catches up somehow. It's pretty cool, I think.

    I think you're smarter than to risk yourself going into a crack house, so this may be a new beginning for you, Lovey. I can't wait to see your post about NA. Much love and hugs!! xoxoxo

    1. Hi Lovey! I have some very strange dreams. Sometimes they seem relevant (ish) . . . Others, not so much.
      Well, I may well be smarter than to take the risk, logically . . . But addiction and cravings know no logic.
      We'll see.
      Yes, this Wednesday, off to N/A . . . will write a post for sure. More love and hugs! (I've just left some at your place) x x x

    2. I got it Lovey - thank you so much for stopping by. And, I can't wait to see what happens at NA - much love!!!

    3. Thank you for commenting on one of my blog entries. I didn't realize there wasn't a follow button.....How do I put one?

  13. i fixed it, the Followers link so you can follow my blog now. :) thanks for letting me know.