I had a very weird and telling dream last night. It seemed to play through the whole night but I'm sure it didn't . . . There was some kind of huge pagan festival, which I was walking through. Sometimes indoors; rooms from the commune where I lived, from the houses of my childhood, hospital rooms and classrooms. Sometimes outside; fields, rivers, bridges, railroads . . . but always surrounded by a whirlwind of weirdness (there's a surprise!) At one point I looked down to see I was pregnant and wearing a purple fleece dressing gown. A nurse came through a door and called me into a room to question my drug taking (whilst pregnant - Guilt!) . . . She said I could take a pill and the baby would go away . . . Go away? I looked at least 8 months gone.
Next thing, I was carried along by a very enthusiastic crowd, down to a wide, raging river from which were emerging, what can only be described as bears . . . bears with limbs as long as those of a human, . . . Folk were clambering to hug one of these "bears", the bears were revered, worshipped, magical, mythical beings . . . "Get one!" they called to me. "Get that one!" That one, being the one who was coming towards me, looking like he might get me first! Personally, I wasn't too trusting of these beings and certainly didn't have any intention of hugging one. Again, I looked down, this time I noticed that I had no shoes on . . . "I have to go" I called "I need to find my shoes" and clambered, sometimes forward, then slipping backwards up (and down) the very slippery, wet, muddy river bank (trying to get away from something that many people find appealing . . . hmmmm) OK, you don't need me to explain, I know.
Then . . . bear with me (bear!), I can't remember much more, but this is VERY clear . . . I was on the inside of a square tower, empty, apart from a staircase winding up along the inside of the four walls . . . Many parts of the staircase were missing; sometimes the outer rail, sometimes a few steps, other times many steps. Occasionally, where there were huge gaps, there would be a table nailed to the wall (!) . . . On these tables were jewels and crystals, statues and trinkets for sale. Distractions, designed to stop me moving on up! . . . I digress . . . I (?) was singing . I question the "I", as this was the most beautiful voice I've ever heard. It was more than a voice. It was an uplifting (literally), spine-tingling, ethereal, angelic choir, yet I was controlling it. When "I" sang, I floated over these gaps, they were gone, I was "as if by magic" on the other side of them. When "I" stopped singing, I struggled; alternating between edging my way along, hanging from the loose and broken rails, and attempting to reach across empty gaping spaces to the next steps. I was aware that I had "written" this song, this wordless, amazing melody was straight from my soul. . . I wish I could remember it, although I know that is not the point of this dream . . . Again, you don't need me to tell you.
OK, back to reality . . . My "main man" got sent down for six months yesterday (not drugs related). Obviously this doesn't make it impossible for me to score, but it's certainly a major deterrent. To go from having it discreetly delivered to my front room, of an evening, to having to visit a well known, well watched, often raided, crack den in the middle of town and in the middle of the afternoon, makes a huge difference to me. Town is almost a mile away and as I already walk four miles a day, unless I go there as part of my journey on the way to school, alone, in the afternoon (a very
Unfortunately, I didn't get to the city N/A this Wednesday as I had an appointment with the doctor and a "breathing review" yesterday. In fact I barely sat down yesterday between 7am and 8pm. I've introduced Mother to Hamper G's wonderful teacher as "Grandma, who will be picking her up on a Wednesday afternoon" . . . So, definitely next Wednesday. I've made sure I have no other appointments.
O My, it's midday! how did that happen. I must go. I need to find my shoes! . . . I have a feeling I will remember more snippets of this dream as I go through the day. Yes, it was one of those dreams. I've already remembered another piece but it involves my phobia, so I'll keep hold, or rather, let go of that bit . . . It obviously represents a lot of stuff that I want to get away from. And, indeed, how to get away . . . I need to find my shoes first . . . I'm off to look for them.
I will catch up later with your Blogs, of course.
Thanks to everyone for reading, commenting, sharing their lives or just being. One week today is my first anniversary of Blogging . . . I really hope, pray, wish and want, more than ever, to be clean. Love, love and more love to you all x x x
PS . . . I gotta tell you this. I just picked up my list of fourteen "things to do" today, ranging from sending Hamper G's Dad (in prison) some new socks to phoning Virgin Media, with all manner of things inbetween. None of which I've done, yet, as I've been here . . . So. I added "write a post" to the end of the list and gave it a huge, satisfying tick ;-)