Sunday 18 November 2012

A Midnight Fantasy

I can't see this being anything other than a right miserable post . . . so unless, for some reason, you happen to be looking for just that, I'd move swiftly on.

I've been here often over the past two weeks, catching up on Blogs, commenting when I have time, starting a post and leaving it until tomorrow . . . or whenever, or never.
So I won't start by reading Blogs tonight. I'll just write about where I am.

I feel right wound up to tell you the truth. My soul is aching with tears of frustration . . . I remember writing a similar post to this, possibly a year ago, when once again, I'd spent the whole day waiting, wondering and believing false promises. I could bore you with the whole story, every text, every phone call, every lie I chose to hang on to . . . but I won't. Fellow addicts would know the story all too well. Non addicts would wonder why anyone would put up with such nonsense . . . I don't know why it has to be so difficult. I can't think of any pre-addiction situation that compares. Something like being an alcoholic during the prohibition maybe . . . but I don't suppose any of us know much about that either.

Had I not spent so many hours getting gradually wound up over this, there could have, eventually, been the "joy" of finally getting the damn stuff, but by now I am beyond feeling "joy" . . . and even if I were to feel, say, a hint of relief, the thrill of the kill, so to speak, on it's arrival . . . disgust at my own fickleness would soon dampen that . . . So I wont. Be happy, I mean. Good lord, whats the point of this? Surely I might as well give in to feeling some kind of relief or short lived shallow happiness, should it be offered, after such a day . . . I'm obviously barking up the wrongest tree on the planet here. It could be that it's not even a tree.

Sometimes, somehow, I try to remove myself from myself for a second and take a look from another's eyes . . .  I can't even explain what I see, well, not so much see, as feel. Hopelessness, that's pretty close, or is it helplessness? I would shake my head at her and think; this is going nowhere, nothing will change, she's past the point of no return . . . Unreachable. That's what I'd say. But who am I to say?

So, do I just go on with this slow suicide until my lungs can take no more, then lie in a hospital bed cursing my comforter to the end. My children will still be my children.  I'll ask myself why, why did I not stop when I still had the chance. I already have the benefit of hindsight screaming at me . . . unwelcome visions that come to me at dawn. Glimpses of the crushing weight of regret that will be upon me. Twinges of the unthinkable pain of leaving them all too soon. Knowing that there will be no going back . . . It will be too late. Will anyone say "You must have known this would happen" or will they just think it? . . . There'll be no more chances. It will be time to pay the price . . . And the cost keeps on mounting.  I'm already grieving the loss of me . . .  where the fuck did I go? I don't remember choosing this, but I must have done . . . Where on earth was I when I made that decision? I don't suppose it matters any more.

Can I fast forward myself to that most awful place? . . .  Pleading for a chance to feel life and see life and live life. To choose life . . . Yes, anything, I'll do anything to live, to breath, to be given that choice again.

Really? you will?
Of course I will!!

Then off you go . . . Sleep now and when you awake tomorrow you will be back to where you were at almost 50 again and life will be yours for the taking. Just remember to take it this time. Every little bit of it with both hands, both ears and eyes.

Can you imagine . . . Can I imagine?

Well, I'll try.

I'm neither going to read through this or apologize for my misery. It's just a snippet of where my mind is at tonight . . . that's all.  Who knows what tomorrow today might bring. Love and thanks to you, my friends x x x



38 comments:

  1. Thanks for posting. I had been wondering how you were/are. Now I know, I wish I could be there. I would pick you up and take you to the art gallery, or to the beach for a walk, or out for a tasty lunch and a coffee, or out to the movies, or bring over a DVD and a bottle of wine and have a good old laugh and chat, or down to the water-front for a tasty meal of fish and chips (with heaps of tomato sauce!), or a drive up to the top of Mt. Eden for a view over the local landscape. Just imagine yourself enjoying some simple pleasures. They are yours for the taking. Seize the day, my friend, make it yours, you can be in charge of your life and destiny. You can imagine, I believe in you.

    Love you and always thinking of you from afar. Laura xxx

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    1. O Laura, bless your beautiful heart. I try not to ppost when I'm so down . . . but recently it's on a daily basis and I know you and others worry and truly care, so I just put it out there.
      I wish you could be here . . . I've just had Stropster (17) giving me a right telling off. Basically he said everything to me that I said to myself on this post . . . How it will end, how nothing will change, why cant I find that strength again, why can't I snap out of this . . . On and on he went and I just cried, for him, for me for the other two, for the whole fucking lot of it.
      I have to do something. I love you too Laura and I'm so so thankful for you being here x x x

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    2. I am right here reading through your responses, at the same time you are sitting at your computer posting them. That's quite spooky isn't it!!!
      Stropster obviously loves you very much. We only let those we love the most have the brunt of our anger and disappointment and fear. We know they will still love us unconditionally, no matter how much they hurt.
      Stay strong tomorrow, take every hour as it comes.

      Laura xxx

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    3. Hey! I was just off to bed and saw your comment pop up! That is spooky!
      Yeah, I really felt for Stropster. He was saying it for my own good and it was obviously hard for him to say (without shouting!) . . . And now I've had time to think and sit here chatting to you lovely folk, I'm actually pleased that he said it . . . So, off to bed now, and tomorrow, hour by hour I will try so very hard to beat this bastard . . . Big time.
      Love to you Laura, night night x x

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  2. What Laura said (great kiwi minds think alike) xxxx

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    1. Thanks Mrs D, for being here and for caring. Sending love and hugs to you x x x

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  3. Oh sweet girl....I think of you often and I hope that you are doing alright. But your not. You sound like you are in such a dark place and this all just breaks my heart. Tomorrow is a new day and you have many many fresh beginnings...until you don't anymore. Keep taking a hold of each new morning. Each hour spent living in freedom is progress made. Each hour builds a foundation for the next to stand on....and soon, you will have days and then weeks and then months of good, full, rich living under your belt.

    Laura has a beautiful day planned and Mrs. D and I will tag along in the back seat! :o) <3<3

    Love you Bugs....please choose life for yourself. You are so worth every good clean breath.

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    1. Thanks for every word Annette. I keep reading these comments. Something needs to change soon and tomorrow is a new day and I will try so hard.
      Absolutely, you must come along for our trip . . we'll get a mini bus together for us all ;-)
      I hope and pray and want and wish that I'll be back later in the week with some good news. Somehow, I have to find that strength again.
      Thanks for being here with your love and understanding. I can actually feel it and it means so much to me. Sending love and hugs to you x x x

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  4. I remember days at the end of my drinking where I was just totally baffled but what was going on... but I was in the middle of it, doing it, drinking it, etc. etc. but I just couldn't see a way out. Luckily someday something happened and I did get that choice back, but for a long time it was something I thought was simply taken from me forever.

    So have faith that it can be there, if it was there for me it can be there for anyone else.

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    1. That's it, that exactly how it feels . . . I'm too far deep into it that I can't see a way out. Each day that I fail and use (every day), is further confirmation of my lack of will and strength . . .
      I am trying to believe this will happen, despite reality telling me a very different story . . . But I will keep believing that it's possible.
      Thanks for still being here and encouraging me x x

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    2. As I say for me I decided to give up giving up - It wasn't failing, that was awful giving in and admitting I'd have to live like this for ever... but that bizarrely was near the end and somehow I did stop - I just got to the wall and it seemed the only thing to do. Although I was totally losed, bewildered and as soon as I had stopped I'd only stopped temporarily you know... still like that stopped for a day over 8 years ago now...

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  5. Everyday is a new chance to get it right. I have so much faith in you that if I could, I'd fly across the pond and hold your hand during the hard times.

    You can do this. Just stay with us. Keep posting. You'll find yourself again. You're in the words.

    Endless faith and belief,
    Sherry

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    1. Hi Sherry, I've just read your "once upon a time" story, it's so beautiful.
      Thanks for your words of encouragement and belief, I keep coming back and reading everyone's words of hope and belief and love and understanding. I'm blessed to have such a place.
      I will keep posting, I'm not keen on posting so much misery but I can only tell it how it is. I will keep on searching for, and writing, the truth.
      Sending love and hugs to you x x

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  6. It can be there.
    I dont have the kind of mind for planing.
    Im just usually in the here and now.The right this second kind of now.
    I know I didnt like depending on Ativan and the anti depressent I was put on.
    To get off it and a way from the doctors I took a half every other day of the Ativan.If I was to stressed I took the whole tablet.After that I took a quater every other day with halfs in between.
    Then I worked on the anti depressant which was harder ad took longer.
    Now Im stuck with a drinking prob and one day when Im ready I will wean myself off.
    All these kinds of things take so much time.Dont ever be impatient with yourself.When you need it you need it.A gal gotta do what a gal gotta do.
    Its easy for me to say dont look to far ahead.Coziness comes from living only in the moment.
    I wish you strenth and any thing it takes for you to be at peace of mind.I struggle and can relate to your pain but never give up.
    Im here to for you with every one else.Alwys rooting for you.Im on your team.Your not playing life alone.
    Rely on others more and try not straining yourself in thouhts.
    Easy to type but hard to listen to.I dont even take my own advise.
    I love you very much.Be kind to you.For today that is all that matters.Tomorrow I will tell you the same take care of you just for today.
    Tomorrow is for the others. and next week is time for deep thinking.Love uXoXO

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    1. Hi Bev, I keep reading through these comments and realising how much love and support I really get from being here. Far more than I get from all of my family put together . . . It's amazing and I appreciate every word of it.
      I will take tomorrow one hour at a time and try to enjoy each hour clean, instead of obsessing over how and when I can use. I truly will make an effort to be kind to myself, hour by hour.
      Thanks for your words and your love Bev, they both mean a lot to me. Sending love to you and hoping that all is well for you x x

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  7. Have you spoken to anyone in regards to your anti depression meds? I think it might be worth considering.
    I think you are your own worst enemy when it comes to talking yourself down from things. You convince yourself that you are not worthy, and yet that is far from the truth. I wish, during these waiting phases you had some one else to talk to, someone to talk you down so to speak, to be the devils advocate or angel on your other shoulder. A voice of reason. I hope one day you find that voice of reason. Until then, keep fighting the good fight, one day at a time.

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    1. Hi Kim, I have to go back to the Dr in two weeks so I will see what he thinks. My own "new" Dr is now on maternity leave so I have another "new" one . . . I'm very wary of them now since they reported me to SS.
      The other voice that I could hear loud and clear when I felt strong and did some clean time, seems to have all but disappeared . . . That's the voice I'm trying to find, as it really was strong at the time.
      I will try and find some fight tomorrow.
      I'm sorry I haven't commented on your last couple of posts, I'm still there reading . . . and usually feeling guilty for moaning about this addiction, when you have so much to cope with. It sounds as though the staff are very considerate and caring where you are at the minute.
      Thanks for being here Kim, take good care x x

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  8. Bugs, I want you to be okay. I want you to realize that every day can be a good day if I choose it to be. I know that it's hard for you to get through these dark days, but I think that they will lift. Please know that many of us are wanting a bright, shining day for you.

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    1. Thanks Syd, for understanding and for wanting better times for me. I've felt real love and support in these comments and have read through them several times.
      I will keep trying for a bright shining day, starting tomorrow, hour by hour, I will try.
      Thanks for being here x

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  9. Lovey!! It is so very good to see you. I missed you so very much, my dear friend. I hate knowing you are in such a rough place right now. Never lose your faith, Lovey. You have proven to yourself just how strong you truly are and I believe you can do it again. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be well xoxoxo

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    1. Hi Lovey, sat down at last, what a long day . . . but a clean day!!! Yep, I trugded through, hour by hour, fighting the obsession at what felt like ten minute intervals . . . pretty much non stop. But I cooked and shopped and slept and walked . . . and finally got through the day. It's only a small step but it's the biggest step since August! I feel pretty pleased with myself I must say. I'll post tomorrow as I'm too tired now but this has given me a glimmer of hope, a flickering flame. Much love sent to you Lovey x x x

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    2. That's my Lovey!!! You make me so proud. I read this with a big smile on my face. Lovey, it's a one day at a time concept, one hour at a time, ten minutes at at time...just like you did. You kept yourself busy, you visited blogs, you were productive and you were sober - Go You!! If you slip, just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and begin anew again. I know you can do it, Lovey. You Got This. =) Much love and hugs!!!

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  10. Aw Bugs, I am so sorry you are in this dark place right now but you're writing down your feelings and that's a good thing. Keep writing, you need to purge all this out so you can begin to free your mind from all that is haunting you. You are a smart, strong, capable woman. You can overcome all of this but you cannot do it alone and the blog is not enough. Please seek the help of NA, a counselor, rehab, sober living, something! Your life is too valuable for you not to get whatever help you need. You may be powerless over this addiction but you still have the power to choose which path you want for yourself. Dig deep, Bugs! You are a beautiful soul...let life, love and happiness be your guide. You can do this, you can!!

    Sending you love, prayers and hope for a better tomorrow.

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    1. Hi Summer . . . I did it! I stayed clean today!! I'm utterly amazed and I absolutely know that it had a lot to do with coming here last night and reading these comments over and over. I dug deep and grabbed some strength from somewhere and held on to it with all my might, all through today, every minute of it. Despite texts from dealers, even offers of buy one get one free! . . . and it was pay day!! and I did it! I am buzzing. I'll post tomorrow and thank everyone for all of this love and encouragement and understanding . . . Awesome. Just for today.
      Thanks for being here Summer and for your love and prayers. Sending love your way x x x

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    2. YAY!!!! Oh, that is so great to hear! Stay strong and hopeful, you absolutely can do this! God is with you, Bugs. Don't be afraid to talk to him, to tell him your fears. He loves you and will guide you through.

      Thinking of you this wonderful morning and sending good vibes and prayers of thanksgiving.

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  11. You sound like ou've purchased your ticket and you know where you're supposed to be going, but somehow, somewhere you got on the wrong train and you don't know how and where to find the right one ...

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    1. That sounds familiar from my dreams, I'm often lost at a station, looking for the right train or getting on the wrong train or ferry.
      . . . But! BUT! I got through today clean. I know it's only a day but it's the first day since that Holiday in August, so it's a step in the right direction. It felt like a constant all day battle, with money in my pocket and many texts offering deals . . . But I found some strength from somewhere, finally, and I said no, no, no . . . over a hundred times. Just for today I did it. It feels massive. Love to you, as always, Gledwood x x

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    2. You've been using every single day? I did that for years, though Sundays were often the day I had to go without. So sundays were interminably crap and I'd wake up first thing on Monday morning with a jolt feeling just awful.
      One thing I love saying in the anti-drugs meetings they press us into going to at the methadone clinic is how much better I felt and how much happier I was on heroin. Of course the group leaders know I'm just trying to push their buttons but they can think what they like ~ I'm telling the truth!
      Frankly if I'm going to feel as shit as I do, I don't know how I'm going to make it on methadone. It just does not work at the moment. I want something else and Subutex/Suboxone is not an option ~ been there and tried that. Switching to that shit is a really good way of triggering full-blown mania in a person like me, I was hyper enough last time I tried it, God knows what would happen if I did it again.
      Anyway I hope you're OK. Take care XXXXXXX

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  12. FURTHERON
    speaks so much sense
    mind you
    so do you
    you have so much self awareness
    in my book that's a winner too!

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    1. Thanks John, And yes, Furtheron has been there with addiction and has some very good advice.
      I really am so lucky to have all of you good folk out there, or rather, in here! In my living room supporting and encouraging me. It means so much, thanks x

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  13. I am missing you again! Hope all is well.

    Laura xxx

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    1. Hi Laura, I'm so sorry to you and everyone that I haven't posted, or hardly even been here in the last week . . . I will try my utmost to post tonight, even if it is a short post . . . Part of it is Christmas hecticness (but that didn't stop me last year!) part of it is my brain is not functioning as it should (meds) but they want me to stay on double dose during CBT . . . So I don't know what to do there . . . And part of it is I'm using daily and kicking myself daily (but not hard enough). When I wrote this post and had all these wonderful comments I did well for two days . . . then my brain seemed to return to mush and with that went any will power. I do have a lot to write about really . . Not least, Hamper G's Dad's release on 17th Jan! . . I so wanted to be clean and strong by then and I know there's still time . . . But, but but . . .
      O Laura I could sit here and write all day really, so much stuff goes round and round in my head, but not clearly.
      I'm gonna do my best to keep Christmas as good and exciting as every year for the kids (especially Hamper) and just keep trying to get a clean day.
      I will try to update in the next few days . . I'm lucky to have this place and I know that, but part of me thinks folk must get fed up of hearing the same old, same old.
      Thanks for being here Laura and for caring. I'm sorry it took me long to reply. Sending you much love, hoping all is well with you x x x

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  14. I'm getting to a state where methadone days feel terrible, gear days are OK it's terrible, I'm going to try and battle through... hope you are OK too, take care :-)

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    1. Hi Gledwood, I seem to be losing this battle, in fact, some days I wonder if I'm even battling . . .
      I don't want something terrible to have to happen to kick me up the arse . . . So why does it feel as though that is precisely what it will take?
      I'm gonna force a post out later or tomorrow. I hope you are well and keeping warm . . . I thought of you on Saturday when I was walking round the house with wooly hat and fleeces on, saving on gas. No wonder so many old folk die of cold! The price of heating is hideous.
      Anyway, I will try and get a couple of hours to write tonight. Stay well and warm, much love, as always, to you x x

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  15. Sweet heart I wrote a post today just for you and Gledwood who have been so supportive and kind to this ole fool.
    I hope you like it I mean every wordXoXo

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  16. Hey how RU keeping/coping/surviving/hoping?...?
    I'm feeling pretty crappy too. So is everyone I know... It's the time of year, apparently...

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  17. Hey you! I'm worried and I miss hearing from you.

    Sherry

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  18. just checking in!
    chin up dear heart
    you'll be fine
    x

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