Monday 14 January 2013

Friday to Monday

Friday Afternoon

Good news; Stropster has just, literally just now, passed his driving test!! Well done Stropster ;-)   First time test at seventeen. He's bought a small car and has spent hours, plus most of his wages fixing it up but, of course, the insurance will be through the roof. However small the car or however sensible he is; he's a seventeen year old lad. He's into his second year of his mechanic's apprenticeship now, up every morning at seven am for work and making the most of the weekends. I am proud of him. I know, to most, these are normal, even minor, every day achievements, but compared to how I, or my Brothers and Sister were at 17 . . . well, he is Mr Normal-head screwed on-plans in place-smiley happy-balanced-young man! and I suppose that sort of surprises me in a very nice way.

I had a second appointment with the CBT therapist yesterday. She wants to take things very slowly. Taking at least five one hour sessions to get to know some background and mental health history before we touch the phobia. She knows that it's all intertwined; the addiction, anxiety, depression. None of these issues stand alone and she intends to be careful not to go too fast; upping my anxiety and habit. Anyway yesterday, although she intended spending the hour looking at some of my past, it didn't quite work out that way. The initial ten minute pre-session assessment of how things are this week . . . ended up taking an hour. Yes, an hour. It went something like this.

Where would you rate your anxiety from 1 to 10 this week?
Erm . . . I'm not sure. I don't think I'm anxious, I don't really know anymore.
How about your worrying, do you worry?
Erm, no, I don't think I do worry really. Do I? erm . . . let me think. Maybe I do at five am . . . for five minutes.
And so on.

Now, as most of you know, since I went to the new Dr in August when this relapse, depression, anxiety etc came on and I poured out my all, only to be contacted by Social Services the next day . . . I've been very wary how much I say. This has cost me my benefits in the last two weeks but that's another story for another day.

Well after half an hour of questioning yesterday I became very emotional and could no longer hold back the tears. I began to tell the raw truth; I said I was stuck. I am stuck. I'm as stuck as the Christmas tree that's still stuck in my window. Fucking stuck. After blurting all of this out I explained to her about the Social Services call and how it had led me to distrust "professionals" . . . Now, call me paranoid, but within the next ten minutes the questions had moved on to the likes of "Where do you go to use? which room?" . . . Erm excuse me, but what has this to do with my mental health?

As I've said before, there have been enough professionals involved in my life during my 12 year habit, be it health visitors when the babies were small, or drugs workers or even the police, to have worked out that my kids are safe, well adjusted and in no way neglected. Maybe I'm paranoid or maybe it's naturally any mother's biggest fear. Maybe handing my first born over to "The authorities" for adoption when I was fifteen and knowing how badly that affected me has left me scared, scarred. I don't know . . . But I withdrew. I began to, not exactly lie, but to be very cautious. More like I was being questioned by the police rather than a therapist, who, if we are going to make any progress, needs to know the whole truth.

So, next week I will open the session with some questions of my own . . . and hope that I can regain some trust with her. I do like her and I trust her capabilities but it's imperative that I am open. 100%.
OK, I will let you know how it goes. I so want this to go well.

When I started this Blog and wrote the header, I was sixteen months away from my 50th and hoping to make some big changes before hitting the big five-O . . . It's now eleven days away (eight days by the time I'm editing).  Still time for an eye lift, jaw tightening (jowl trim), laser whisker blasting and dental implants ;-) OK, so financially that's out of the question. Fortunately it doesn't cost anything money to improve ourselves on the inside . . . so no excuses. 

I have to go and pick up Hamper G from school now. I'll come back, prepare a bolognese sauce and whilst it simmers I'll edit. I rush my typing and make heaps of errors, so I could be a while.

Saturday Night . . .

Monday Morning . . .

Seems I was too tired to write on Saturday night.
Well things have drastically improved this weekend. The Christmas tree is down, as are all the decorations. I managed to work ten hours on Saturday; mostly cleaning out the eight hamster cages and catching up on housework. Then again on Sunday; mostly packing Christmas away and moving into 2013 Yay! And double Yay! It's snowing! We all woke up early, happy, singing and dancing and were all out of the house early to enjoy the snow on the way to school and work. Hooray for the snow!

Do you know what? I might even get as far as moving those bedrooms around this week. Might.

Hamper G's Dad is due out of prison on Thursday . . . after almost three years. There begins another story. Meantime, as always, love and thanks for being here x x


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14 comments:

  1. You certainly have an interesting life and frankly, I admire you in many ways. Doesn't it feel good to have the house cleared? Like...now you can keep moving on. Good!

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  2. After all you've been through, Lovey, I can understand your hesitation at trusting a counselor. I hope you will trust in her a bit more next visit.

    I'm glad you got so much done over the weekend and congrats to your son on his license! That's wonderful!!! xoxoxo

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  3. Taking it slow on the CBT is probably no bad thing in my view - amateur opinion but there it is. Learning to trust people like that is difficult but in a small way that trust was the best thing I ever had. When finally the drinking was all far too much for me I went to talk to an occupational health professional at my company. She had helped me after the 9/11 thing and all that... I trusted her despite her being part of the "company". She really is a major reason I'm alive and sober today. She laid some options out, said what needed to be done and said to who, when etc. She was brilliant when HR started to get "heavy" halfway through my period in rehab - they were starting to say "If you can't come back to work we'll have to review your situation, can you tell us when you'll be back and how long before you can work normally etc."... she blasted them with a "leave the patient alone, I'll decide when and if reviews on progress are needed - oh and btw you don't need to know the reasons for the absence at all"... Brilliant.

    My experience - I leave here purely as that... take or leave it as you will...

    Glad the weekend was good and what the hell is the lazer thing?! bonkers! :-) I got to 50 and didn't worry about that... mind you I trim my ear hair every week now! There's a confession for you...

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  4. Caution is understandable at this point. But any step forward is just that a step forward. Hope this therapist works out It's been a while since I've stopped in and you've made so much progress! Sounds like you've had a busy/productive weekend around the house

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  5. I totally understand your caution. Nothing like an interrogation of the present when you are supposed to be digging out the past. I do hope for your sake that there's no catch 22 in owning up. You've had such a tumultuous life - going slow and steady is surely the best way.

    Congrats to Stropster! Well done!

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  6. I use to trust every one but it wasnt good for me because I got taken advantaged to much. Now like you Im cautious.For me the caution is sensible from what Ive learned.
    Im proud of Stropster to!
    Im glad to hear things improved over the weekend.
    Blessings and all good wishes sent your way

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  7. I don't blame you for not trusting....she doesn't know YOU yet. I did love reading this. I'm so glad you are posting again and making progress. And congratulations to Stropster. Those are all huge things. Good for him.

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  8. Happy New Year my friend!!!! So happy you joined us. Oh...and in case you don't post before...Happy, happy birthday! I wish you love, peace and happiness both for the new year and as you begin your entry into the world of 50 (it's not so bad here...I promise.)

    Congrats to Stropster - that's such a big deal to a young person. And why are you so surprised he turned out so well???? You're his mom after all.

    Tread carefully with the therapist...I don't 100% trust them either. She really needs to know the real you before you can make any real progress.

    Love and hugs,
    Sherry

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  9. Happy New Year my friend!!!! So happy you joined us. Oh...and in case you don't post before...Happy, happy birthday! I wish you love, peace and happiness both for the new year and as you begin your entry into the world of 50 (it's not so bad here...I promise.)

    Congrats to Stropster - that's such a big deal to a young person. And why are you so surprised he turned out so well???? You're his mom after all.

    Tread carefully with the therapist...I don't 100% trust them either. She really needs to know the real you before you can make any real progress.

    Love and hugs,
    Sherry

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  10. You have every reason to be proud of Stropster, and also take credit where credit is due. I know how you feel I have a gorgeous son (now 24yrs. old), he is a national champion power-lifter, holds down a good job, and is an all-round good guy, and my heart explodes with pride when I think of how 'normal' he has turned out!
    As for the therapist; as a health professional she has a duty to hold all sensitive information disclosed to her during a session as private and confidential. (Hippocratic Oath!?!) But you have had cause from past experiences to be wary. That is such a shame, because without trust, it will be hard to move forward.
    Having spent 3 months at 50, I can safely say it's all good! Although I do cleanse, tone and moisturise religiously! And like you, I walk for miles every day, seems to work for me so far.
    All the best for 2013, esp. now that you feel that you have made it there.
    Love to you and yours from Laura xxx

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  11. I am always so happy to see that you have posted again. Congratulations to the Stropster - and to you for being the mother who allowed him and helped him to be all the things which make you so proud.
    And naturally trust doesn't come easily. Trust has to be earned. I hope that she does deserve it and that slowly you can move forward.
    And yet more congratulations on yet another mammoth clean and tidy. As always, many many good wishes are speeding through the blogosphere to you.

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  12. Oh finally I found the comment box so I'm not replying to someone else... yeah congratulations to Stroppy-mc-poppy-ster.

    O dear I must run Jeremy Kyle's on!

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  13. You are very loved and loveable. God bless you Diane & family with everything thats good in the world.
    XoXoXo

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  14. Good for the Stropster on driving. I do hope that it works with the therapist. I've read that most people with either alcohol or drug addiction have an underlying mental health problem like depression. Some are ADHD, some are bipolar. Anyway, no matter what, I do think that you can beat the habit and get going on a life that is free of H. Take care, Bugs.

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