A lifeline?

I have some news which for some bizarre reason I'm quite excited about. I went to see my new "Drugs worker" yesterday. Recently the service has been taken over by a private company . . . this didn't seem to make any difference really. A little "chat" every fortnight as I collect my script for 70ml daily of methadone . . . Yes all good. Thanks. Bye. See you soon . . . Until yesterday.
I've probably seen the new woman four or five times so she knows a little bit about my habit . . . The excuses, the pattern, the difficulties, the triggers etc. . . . and a bit about my wanting to stop . . . The reasons, the motivation, the struggles etc.
"I've been thinking about you" she said. "O . . . Tell me more"  I said.
"Have you ever been offered or considered a detox?" She said . . . I said . . . "No. No. No. No can do".

We sat and discussed it, taking all things into consideration.  It would mean 10 days in hospital. I would need to reduce my methadone from 70ml to 30 ml before going in and could continue to smoke my bag at night until I go in.
I could opt for either just an opiate detox and come out still on methadone, a total detox coming out clean or after 3 days withdrawing from methadone and gear I could swap over to Suboxone and come out on a low dose of Suboxone. Well I thought it's the only chance I will get to be ill "in peace" so I might as well stop the methadone whilst I'm at it . . . as I don't like it's side effects and I felt much more alert on Suboxone. She's obviously spent some time thinking about my case which is encouraging and thinks it's just what I need.
She was also surprised that in 12 years of addiction, in and out of "treatment", no-one has ever suggested a detox??
As she pointed out it would be hard for me to stop this "evening smoke" at home as that's the time of day when I'm stressed and that is how I "cope". The amount and quality of the gear is such that I'm really getting very little from it but the habit is hard to break.

My first concern was, of course, the kids but providing Hamper G has a place in school by then (we're talking a good 3 or 4 months waiting list)  the family could certainly cope with the kids between them. Geekster's Dad could take a few days off work and could have the two younger ones for a few nights and my Sister in law and Brother would be happy to have them for a few nights too. Stropster would be fine to stay at home. She didn't know until yesterday that I had emphysema and was quick to point out that it would only take one bad chest infection and they might be looking after the kids for a lot longer than 10 days . . . another good reason to detox. Surely it's worth a try?

Of course I realise it will be no holiday and fairly uncomfortable. I've rattled, switched to Suboxone, ran out of methadone/gear and been ill so many times in the past with the kids, that doing any of those things without the kids, in a place where I can just be in peace has to be so much easier. Has to be.

So I decided yes . . . let's give it a go. It could be just the thing. Who knows eh? I'm willing to try.
If anyone can suggest a book or two that might be a worth while read during that time . . . all suggestions are welcome. Anyway I hope you'll all come along for the ride . . . I don't expect I'll be allowed my laptop as there's no contact with the "outside" for the first few days . . . but I will keep a hand written journal and type it out later.

So that's my news. I really feel the timing is right as I'll be 49 this Sunday which now only leaves me 12 months to reach some of my goals. Hey, they've even got a gym there so that could be the start of something else that I've wanted to do for a long time.
Most of the time I'm feeling very optimistic about it all . . . well it's only been just over 24 hours . . . but now and then a niggling doubt writhes it's way in to the hopeful picture . .  and I see myself running, rattling in my pj's to nearest call box to beg my dealer to come get me. Another worry is my "Sudden Inappropriate Crushes" (of the David Dickinson type . . . cr iiin ge) that I get when I'm withdrawing . . . O dear I'm sure there'd be plenty of scope in there . . . especially with my tendency for "rescuing", yes, I know, even when I'm drowning. No. No. No. That cannot, must not and will not happen.

Ok. I'm not going to edit, apart from the spelling, as it's late and there is another post I want to start. This was just a news flash. I will have plenty of time to go into more details after the assessment. And plenty of time to go from optimistic and hopeful to pessimistic and fearful and back again . . . and again.

I hope you all have a good weekend and thanks for reading. Take good care.

A snippet of life.

Ok whats to tell then? a right snotty head, sore throat and cold sweats thats what. Seems a bit rough when   it was only last thursday  I started feeling better. Spose at least the banging head as gone. But its left me woolly headed. The only good thing about having a cold is my fags taste better. Before these two colds I cant recall the last one I had. Gear stops you getting these minor ailments . . .  Just another trick  . . .

Well that was  me last night . . . woke up in the armchair at 3am with a dent in my forehead from the table edge. I feel even worse today I can only put this dowm to reducing my methadone. Over a week I've reduced from 50ml/mg (see I do listen GW) to 30ml/mg. Thought I best start somewhere. It has made a diiference with pupil size, emotions,  irritabilty & general "awakeness/awareness" but I hadn't bargained for semi-permanent colds.  Have just cancelled my flu jab for this afternoon. Not a good idea until I feel ok. I get a flu jab as I have lung disease, emphysema. Yes, the gear  might protect us from the minor ailments but like I said  . . . . thats just a trick.

The second time I woke up it was 7.32!!!! (I set the alarm for 7)  Shit! Bollox! Panic!. Woke boys up, Stropster almost got gobby then remembered THE ultimatum  (its worked so far), made him T & cig  . . . took them up to him, packed his "half a" lunch!,  Ironed Geeksters uniform after eventually finding it screwed up in his school bag as  he came home in PE kit. Thats the "Geekster" all brains, no common sense. Made his breakfast,  found his football kit. . . . made a mental note, yet again, to retrain these boys , or retrain myself. On my fifth trip upstairs to get Stropsters rizlas as he had oily work boots on, I was crawling. Bearing in mind this is all before 8am .Came downstairs, did my inhalers & prayed that this cold doesn't go to my chest . . . O please no.

Ok so gonna post later. I gotta get ready & face the weekly shop . . . Its the last thing I feel like doing., I badly need a hair wash . . .  its not the washing I mind, but I cant face brushing it through first. Its very long & very tangled.

I hope this snippet of life hasn't bored any readers . . . hello Russia, if you're still reading . . . hello anyone  if you're still reading. I just wanted to record this for future reference. Ok I have to get ready. Love sent out to all. I hope that dent in my head  smooths over before Asda. I look & feel like I've been hit with a spade.