Saturday, 21 January 2012

A lifeline?

I have some news which for some bizarre reason I'm quite excited about. I went to see my new "Drugs worker" yesterday. Recently the service has been taken over by a private company . . . this didn't seem to make any difference really. A little "chat" every fortnight as I collect my script for 70ml daily of methadone . . . Yes all good. Thanks. Bye. See you soon . . . Until yesterday.
I've probably seen the new woman four or five times so she knows a little bit about my habit . . . The excuses, the pattern, the difficulties, the triggers etc. . . . and a bit about my wanting to stop . . . The reasons, the motivation, the struggles etc.
"I've been thinking about you" she said. "O . . . Tell me more"  I said.
"Have you ever been offered or considered a detox?" She said . . . I said . . . "No. No. No. No can do".

We sat and discussed it, taking all things into consideration.  It would mean 10 days in hospital. I would need to reduce my methadone from 70ml to 30 ml before going in and could continue to smoke my bag at night until I go in.
I could opt for either just an opiate detox and come out still on methadone, a total detox coming out clean or after 3 days withdrawing from methadone and gear I could swap over to Suboxone and come out on a low dose of Suboxone. Well I thought it's the only chance I will get to be ill "in peace" so I might as well stop the methadone whilst I'm at it . . . as I don't like it's side effects and I felt much more alert on Suboxone. She's obviously spent some time thinking about my case which is encouraging and thinks it's just what I need.
She was also surprised that in 12 years of addiction, in and out of "treatment", no-one has ever suggested a detox??
As she pointed out it would be hard for me to stop this "evening smoke" at home as that's the time of day when I'm stressed and that is how I "cope". The amount and quality of the gear is such that I'm really getting very little from it but the habit is hard to break.

My first concern was, of course, the kids but providing Hamper G has a place in school by then (we're talking a good 3 or 4 months waiting list)  the family could certainly cope with the kids between them. Geekster's Dad could take a few days off work and could have the two younger ones for a few nights and my Sister in law and Brother would be happy to have them for a few nights too. Stropster would be fine to stay at home. She didn't know until yesterday that I had emphysema and was quick to point out that it would only take one bad chest infection and they might be looking after the kids for a lot longer than 10 days . . . another good reason to detox. Surely it's worth a try?

Of course I realise it will be no holiday and fairly uncomfortable. I've rattled, switched to Suboxone, ran out of methadone/gear and been ill so many times in the past with the kids, that doing any of those things without the kids, in a place where I can just be in peace has to be so much easier. Has to be.

So I decided yes . . . let's give it a go. It could be just the thing. Who knows eh? I'm willing to try.
If anyone can suggest a book or two that might be a worth while read during that time . . . all suggestions are welcome. Anyway I hope you'll all come along for the ride . . . I don't expect I'll be allowed my laptop as there's no contact with the "outside" for the first few days . . . but I will keep a hand written journal and type it out later.

So that's my news. I really feel the timing is right as I'll be 49 this Sunday which now only leaves me 12 months to reach some of my goals. Hey, they've even got a gym there so that could be the start of something else that I've wanted to do for a long time.
Most of the time I'm feeling very optimistic about it all . . . well it's only been just over 24 hours . . . but now and then a niggling doubt writhes it's way in to the hopeful picture . .  and I see myself running, rattling in my pj's to nearest call box to beg my dealer to come get me. Another worry is my "Sudden Inappropriate Crushes" (of the David Dickinson type . . . cr iiin ge) that I get when I'm withdrawing . . . O dear I'm sure there'd be plenty of scope in there . . . especially with my tendency for "rescuing", yes, I know, even when I'm drowning. No. No. No. That cannot, must not and will not happen.

Ok. I'm not going to edit, apart from the spelling, as it's late and there is another post I want to start. This was just a news flash. I will have plenty of time to go into more details after the assessment. And plenty of time to go from optimistic and hopeful to pessimistic and fearful and back again . . . and again.

I hope you all have a good weekend and thanks for reading. Take good care.


  1. good luck mate. pity they wont just induce coma opiate addicts to save the stress hey. xo lilly

    1. Yeah, I think there are "pros n cons" for the coma version (as with anything).
      Personally I need those ten days away from the kids wide awake to try and deal with a whole load of emotional stuff . . . and coming back to life gradually as it were.
      I reckon it would be weird to fall asleep numb then wake up with all those senses and emotions revived . . . and then go home . . Woah! scarey.
      Even ten days is pretty sudden but it's the longest I'm gonna get so It's worth a try. Take care.

  2. if you feel the time is right then the time is right. only you know what you want. all the best :-)
    to lilly, i paid 3k to go to a place called detox 5 over here in th uk. they do what you suggest, put you asleep for 4 days and change your bum like a baby whilst your zonked out. then the last 2 days they put you on blockers and on day 6 you're back out in the real world. it didn't work :-( i really think the best way is a rehab/detox place where you live for 6 months.
    peace x

    1. Yes there's "knowing what you want" . . . and then doing it . . . two different things. I know quite a few addicts who want to be clean. If just wanting were enough, many of us would be clean . . and rich ;-)
      I phoned that Detox 5 a few years ago its well expensive, I can see why it wouldn't work.
      Like you say, a 6 to 9 month "live-in" rehab is possibly the best option as that gives you time to work through some of the emotional stuff. But that's too long to be away from the kids.
      I do feel this is the right year though . . . so time will tell. Take care.

  3. I'm going to be praying for you everyday and look forward to hearing your updates.

    Would it be possible to tell your methadone counselor lady about your crushes while withdrawing....just so that you are accountable to someone other than yourself?

    Bless your heart for trying it. This just makes me so happy for you. <3

    1. Thanks Annette, I'm looking forward to your updates too.
      Yes I expect there will be some kind of counselling on board at the hospital . . . I hope so . . I'm gonna need some, like 24/7!
      I'm also hoping that I'm mature enough to recognise these "crushes" for exactly what they are and have some self-control . . . but sometimes hope is not enough so I will mention it.
      Thanks for your prayers.

  4. Best of luck with it... be willing and try for it.

    Happy birthday for tomorrow - sadly you are as old as me now :-)

    1. Thanks . . . yes it has to be worth a try or I'll never know.
      Yep 49 (almost) The first idea of this blog was a few lifestyle changes before the big "five O" so this is such good timing.
      I need to stay positive now. Take care.

  5. Replies
    1. Yes it's looking like I might just . . . DO IT!!
      (hopefully only the once) I'm on my way to see if you've finished the story . . .

    2. Still trying to work it out in my head, I should follow my own advice & just DO IT !
      Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ! I hope your son is going to bring You a cup of tea this morning x

  6. I wish you the best! I'll hold you in my heart and think about you. Some books to pass the time? If you're into some good crime/drama with sarcastic wit - anything by Nelson DeMille is great. He is a quick witted writer and I LOVE him!!

    Happy Birthday!

    1. Thanks L. Okay I'll give him a try . . . I also need something on beating addiction but I can try Nelson when I need a break from the heavy stuff ;-)
      I've not had time to read (books) for so long that I can't remember what I'm into. Just having some spare time will be good. Take care.

  7. I think this is a great decision! I will also be praying for you daily and hoping that its as painless as possible. Its great timing too...when exactly is your birthday? I'll think about a good book and get back to you if I can think of one about beating addiction. We'll miss you for ten days!

    1. Hi. Birthday is tomorrow! So that leaves me a year for some hard work. Of course I realise the hard work will go on and on . . . but I'd like to look back at this time next year and see some massive changes :-)
      I'm pretty sure after four days I will have access to a computer so I can update my blog . . . I will try to scribble down some stuff during the first few days, just to keep a record. Yes I will miss you all too. It won't be for a few months yet (unless there's a cancellation!) but I need to get Hamper G into school first. I would imagine it will be around May/June. Thanks for your prayers too Barbara. Take care.

    2. I am having trouble commenting here at the moment. It seems to go into a loop. Sigh.
      All I really have to say is that it sounds like a wonderful idea if, and only if, you are ready. If you are we have your back and will be encouraging you every step of the way.

    3. The Elephant's Child,
      It hasn't given me a "reply box" for your comment so I'll put it here . . . I too am having trouble commenting on other Blogs . . . as it goes into a loop and back to the original post?! Bizarre.
      Thankyou for your comment, I hope I'm ready for it. I'm willing to try and appreciate your encouragement. It's good to hear from you again.

  8. Your first thought was your kids ("of course"--yeah right)? are they also your first thought when you are getting high every night?

    1. If you insist on reading this blog . . Then READ it!! . . I don't get HIGH every night . . I get numb. Read a little more and you might find out why . . . And that's what I intend to address.
      Either be relevant, make some sense with your "comments" and speak to me with the respect I deserve . . . Or Fuck off elsewhere to find someone who IS getting HIGH every night and neglecting their kids . . . Cus it aint me!

  9. So have you explained to your kids the difference between getting high and getting numb? And do you think getting numb is any better? There's no way you can be a good mother using heroin. Not to mention methadone. If And there's also the bastard kids with multiple fathers. If that's the lifestyle you wanted to live that's fine but you have no right to bring kids into the world and ruin their chances at a decent life. You don't deserve respect.

    1. This isn't my fight, but I felt you were being both unfair and rude so I have three questions for you;

      1)Have you never made a mistake and done (or not done) something you regret?

      2)Are you aware of the phrase 'to walk a mile in someone else's shoes? It can make the incomprehensible more understandable, and

      3)Perhaps your comments would carry more weight if you came out from behind the shield on anonoymity.

    2. The Elephant's Child,
      Thanks . . I'm pleased you didn't have any problems commenting this time.
      Unfortunately so many people think like "anonymous" . . . My first reaction (after the anger has gone)is to explain myself, respond to the accusations . . . Defend myself as a Mother, I suppose . . . but I get the feeling this person has their mind made up, without knowing me so I could be wasting my time.
      It is hurtful though and upsetting to think someone believes they have the right to judge me as unworthy of respect or Children . . . becausse of an addiction.
      How dare they.
      It's so encouraging to come on line as the majority of visitors to the blog are intelligent,understanding and accepting, like yourself.
      Thanks again for reading and commenting.

    3. Eye know alcohol and heroin are two different things, but seeing as it seems that you use AFTER the kids are tucked away, and they don't have to "go without" because of your using - it's really no more disruptive than someone having a glass of wine in the tub before bed. It's really not that hard to use and keep it away from the children, we had a couple who had a 4-year old stay with us for about a month. It was pretty easy, actually - have her go on a trip to the store with someone when the dope guy comes over, have her playing with someone while using in a different locked room. ugh, anyone really reading your blog would see how much your kids mean to you! Good luck with the detox process, eye know it's months away but it'll probably take mental preparation, too...

    4. You're right there . . . And if I could just go buy it at the shop at 7pm I might not mind too much. But you know the hassle associated with scoring . . Not to mention the rip offs . . . and the expense. Although like you say, the kids do not go without.
      There's the matter of not having any decent gear since the drought too . . . So annoying.
      It will defo take some mental preparation but I want to give it a go . . . It has to be worth a try. Take care x

  10. Anonymous is an asshole. There it is.

    I read your whole blog (shh.. at work) over the past two days. You are amazing at expressing yourself. I would love to know you in real life.

    Addiction is a disease. I think detox is a fantastic way to start treating your disease. This is going to take time and stops and starts. Part of recovery is sometimes relapse. You just have to take one step. And then maybe, you'll be able to take another step the next day. Try to break it down so it's not so overwhelming to you.

    My thoughts and *prayers* will be with you. My son is going through this too. It's been hard, but it's do-able. I promise.


    **I also grew up in an extreme religious home. I pray... differently... now. ;)


    1. Hi Joy . . . I can't believe this post is only 6 weeks old and I was planning a detox. I've been clean 27 days now! So 2 weeks after this post it happened. BAM!! just like that, well I was very ill first. Then I prayed on this blog simply for the strength to say NO and the next day I said NO!! After 12 years! Amazing eh?. . . Maybe you've not got to the more recent posts yet. The best is yet to come :-)
      Thanks for reading and commenting.