Monday, 18 June 2012

Comfortably Sad

Stevie Nicks -  Beauty and the Beast

You're not a stranger to me,
And you, well you're something to see.
You don't even know how to please.
You say a lot but you're unaware how to leave.

My darling lives in a world that is not mine.
An old child, misunderstood. Out of time.
Timeless is the creature who is wise
And timeless is the prisoner in disguise.

Who is the beauty, who the beast?
Would you die of grieving when I leave?
Two children, too blind to see . . .
I would fall in your shadow, I believe.

My love is a man who's not been tamed.
My love lives in a world of false pleasure and pain.
We come from different worlds; we are the same.

I never doubted your beauty, I've changed.
I never doubted your beauty, I've changed.

Who is the beauty?
Where is my beast?
There is no beauty without my beast.
Who is the beauty; who the beast.

For Hamper G's Dad on Fathers Day much love from . . . The Daddio

He's counting the remainder of his sentence in months now, rather than years and months . . . Counting the months to freedom. Freedom from one prison . . . back to the life sentence.Will he ever be free? I know he dreams of freedom; of running over hills and mountains, laughing in deerskin breeches or maybe they are actual deer's hind legs . . . he's never sure and always says he'll look properly next time. It's a recurring dream. He's nearly died so many times; I can only assume God wants him alive. Alive and living. All these lives that could be lived, that should be lived and loved. Why does hindsight come too late . . . I have no problem thinking what I might say on the brink of death . . . All these years. What I might do if I could have them again. Live life next time. I know what I'd say so why can't I feel what I'd feel. Feel that desperation to have another chance. Starting now. This is it . . . this is the another chance. Now and here. Why can't I grasp this. I'm stood on the brink of life, almost ready . . . but frightened to take the chance. To risk choosing life !? . . . If I wasn't me, I would shake myself, proper and slap myself . . . "Wake up" I'd shout "And feel it ALL. NOW!! . . . Before it's too late" But I am me so I won't.

I'm thinking aloud here really. I don't know where I'm going, other than to bed I suppose.
Monday tomorrow and all that jazz . . That's OK, I need a bit of jazz. Jazz is distracting. I've been solid busy all weekend yet somehow I've still been locked in my thoughts. Busy but sad and pensive.

I must say I'm not used to feeling sad. It's weird to feel like this and not be able to reason with it. To know and deal with the cause . . . It's just a very general sadness. Not depression. Not fear or anxiety. Not even tearful. So why sad?
I'd quite like to sit here and write for a while but I know I need to sleep soon to wake up . . . happy? No, to wake up not too tired. I might wake up happy, that would be a surprise. I'm sort of settling into this sad thing; getting comfortable.

This was going to be one of four short "Musical dedication plus a few Happy Fathers Day words of kindness" to each of the four fathers in my life; mine and the three Dads . . . But I got distracted and now it's too late. Not that they read here . . . I can do it late. Who's gonna know. But not tonight, I'm tired. Once again, I'm not going back to read over this; just a quick spellcheck and that'll do.

And then Goodnight to anyone reading this. Thanks for reading. Writing is definitely helping me to think further, to try and work through feelings and resolve issues. I know some folk say they would still write if there were no readers, but I wouldn't . Well I don't think I would . . . But anyway, I'm really pleased you're here reading and I do mean, thank you. You are appreciated. Really. I'm gone . . .

Ps . . . It's past 2am and I only just noticed there are comments on my last post (Save the night) . . . I will reply to them (of course) tomorrow. Thanks again x


  1. I dream of Stevie Nicks, singing Tango in the Night, on a flying magic Carpet, soaring through a forest of dead trees with teddy bars impaled on the tips.

    I also like toasted cheese for supper.

    I'm going to hate myself for saying this, but you've got to try and lighten up. Too much introspection leads to destructive feedback loops.

    Look forward..look to the kids.

    1. Twisted Scottish Bastard . . . I bet you do! Is that the flying carpet en route to the little Bighorn?
      Destructive feedback loops? I'm not even sure what they are ;-)
      I think I have a few decades of "introspection abstinence" to catch up on . . . I do feel lighter today. I enjoyed my sad weekend ;-) and then Cohen went and cheered me up!
      I'm looking forward to the summer . . . ? and the kids coming home (of course) x

  2. General Sadness - I like that idea... I drill down and analyse too much too often than is good for me at times. I have to want to know the route cause... but then there is always something underneath and that needs a theory and then experimentation to confirm etc. it is like I'm chasing my own Higgs particle rather than just going - so what it works why worry about it

    1. Hi Furtheron . . . Yes I expect I'll have a few more "sad" posts, when (note; not if)I get to working the 12 steps, making amends, etc . . . Serious introspection. The neighbours will be sick of Cohen and Melanie singing to cheer me up by my 12th step!
      Now . . . What on earth is a Higgs particle? it's obviously chaseable . . .??

  3. I think sometimes a period of melancholy feels good somehow. As long as you don't let it spiral down. It's like a bittersweet feeling - a little like you feel when you have a crush but not so intense. Longing. You will likely come out of it and not even be aware it's happened. The weather will change, or one of your kids will distract you or something.

    We're going to see Cohen in concert in December! I can't believe that man is still touring. He was fantastic last tour although the time before that, I don't think he was very well at all. Our daughter is also a huge fan. I wish my husband had a wider taste in music. We never go see my favourites - although my kids will take me (so we're seeing Florence and the Machine in August)

    1. Hi Jeannie, Yes I was beginning to enjoy it; it's definitely lifted, it was like a longing . . . a gentle general sadness. O well, I'm sure they'll be more.
      Cohen!! You're going to see him O Wow! I would love to see him.
      I just noticed on my blog list that you've posted the wedding post . . . I'm coming over to see how it went.