Sunday, 17 June 2012

Save the night

O boy . . . I was writing a post to celebrate Stropster's seventeen years and other things . . . then I decided to add a few photos to the post, of Stropster's early life . . . I started to look for the photos.

So many true loves and smiles. I suddenly felt so alone. Ouch. This is unexpected and uncomfortable. I think I'll go to sleep and hope it's a fleeting . . . ? I don't know, a fleeting something, brought on by photographic memories. It's certainly a first . . . Shit maybe I was just too numb before. Sometimes I get scared by all the feelings I will feel when it all wears off. Sometimes I wonder . . .

It's late. It's not like me to feel sad. It's like my soul is crying. I'm not, but I could be if I'm not careful.
I'll come back in the morning and scan those photos in and then post the thing I was writing earlier before this happened.

I don't want to cry, I know it's OK to cry and might even be more than OK . . . Might even do me some good. But truth be told, I don't want to cry . . . Not tonight. I wouldn't usually mind but I suddenly feel alone; I don't want to cry and feel alone . Fuck, this is not like me. I'm tempted to delete this . . . but I wont because it's new. I suspect it could be a new part of me, I could be wrong; it may well be a one off, but I doubt it. It's caught me by surprise that's for sure.

All that love. Given and taken. Discovered and discarded. Treasured and trashed. I'm off to sleep. All those hopes of forever. Promises I couldn't keep.

. . . If I, if I have been unkind; I hope that you can just let it go by.
If I, if I have been untrue; I hope that you know, it was never to you.
Like a baby stillborn, like a beast with his horn; I have torn everyone who reached out to me.
But I swear by this song and by all that I have done wrong; I will make it all up to thee.

Bird a on a wire Leonard Cohen.

Save the Night . . . Melanie.

Save the night, if I could find a feeling I could save the light
that lit our nights before,
before we knew the reason saving nights were for.
Save the light, the light that made us sure
we'd never find that light at any other door.

 . . . Sometimes I'll slip away; I'll pretend life and dream that I can save the day.

Right, I really am off to bed now; having listened to some, what might well be considered "depressing", music has cheered me up no end. No, really it has. In fact I'm not even gonna scroll up to check what I've written;  I'll want to delete it, immediately. I'll be like shit, who was that, what was all that about?

So . . . That was last night.

Today is a new day. I'll scan in the photos and do the Stropster (belated) Birthday post. First I have to do some cleaning, washing, cooking . . . Happy Father's Day to all you Fathers, take it easy ;-)


  1. Beautiful words full of passion and honesty.

  2. I love the way you makes me want to keep reading. Keep pouring your honesty on the page and you'll keep feeling better. It seems that sometimes by the end of my post I feel almost sane. That's why I keep writing and also why I keep reading.

    Happy Belated Birthday Stropster!

    1. Yes, I'm often in a totally different frame of mind by the time I've finished writing. Which I suppose is a good enough reason to write when we're not feeling so good . . . and to read what others have to say.
      It really does help.
      Thanks for being here Sherry.

  3. I write posts when I'm desperate and alone. I write them on paper, and they're usually about having psychotic experiences that nobody understands and I have nobody to talk about. Even my friend Pinky who has the same schizoaffective label has totally different symptoms from me; for one thing she's not "bipolar" type she's depressive type; I have never really known anyone who is bipolar very well. People find it really entertaining when I'm being really loud and rude and in a good mood and they don't realize that usually I'm a very boring person at best and grouchy and not even worth knowing at worst... As for photographs: yeah, they do some weird things to the mind do those things. Best avoided! Hey what am I saying. POST SOME MORE. I LOVE YOUR PHOTO COLLECTIONS.


    1. I'm sure you're not a boring person Gledwood; I can imagine it's entertaining when your "up" but that doesn't mean you're boring when you're down . . . I'm glad I sort of "know" you, here in Blog land.
      I need to file my hundreds of photos into "eras" then I wont need to see them all every time I look for one!
      I am so glad I kept them all though. Many exes have complained "why do you keep all these photos of the past" (of other exes!) . . . and I've come close to throwing them away to keep the peace. Thankfully, I never did . . . There are loads more to come. And yes, I've got some more of you and your(extended)family ;-)
      Take care Gledwood x

  4. Feel the feelings, all our emotions are valid, it's how we deal with them. I know when my last child left home recently, I felt so alone. I could easily have decided to have a few wines (or a bottle) every night, but decided to just wallow for a little bit. And it did me good to own those feelings. Even now, with my new man, I find myself racked by insecurities if he doesn't text me back, or doesn't seem so attentive on our rendezvous. But then like you, I find comfort in routines,(walking the dog is good), and listening to music. And you are never alone with this blog and your readers to sustain you and lift you up in our thoughts.
    Love from Kiwigirl. xxx

    1. Hi Kiwigirl,
      Yeah I need to get used to feeling all these feelings. It's a new thing for sure. I would be unbearable in a new relationship . . . I would drive the man mad, and myself. I can get butterflies just thinking about it ;-)
      I'm so grateful and blessed to have this blog; I'm appreciating it (writing/reading and interacting with you lovely folk) more than ever.
      Thanks for being here Kiwigirl x

  5. wow,nice song,i love melanie,i had totally forgotten her...!I think i may have been 16 last time i listened to her...i've been feeling very sad too,and weak for it,but if we face our feelings instead of numbing them then maybe they will be acknowledged and fade away from whence they came?And we will be the wiser...i think its good thAt you feel sad cos then you get to feel really happy.Yeah!And you seem to have healed it thru music...lots of love xxxxx

    1. Hi Annie,
      I'll be over to msg later . . . It's weird this sadness, I'm getting used to it now (day three) but it was new feeling for me. I suppose it's only through feeling all of this, that I realise how numb I have been.
      Nice bit of peace and quiet here with them all at work/school . . . I'll be back later, love to you and yours x x x

  6. Well, you know me Lovey, I always think it's better to write those feelings out; good, bad, happy, sad, mad - just get 'em out. In my case, I throw the out there for the world to see...this time you did too and I appreciate that. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. That means so much.

    Much love and hugs!!

    1. Hi Lovey,
      Yeah, it's a bit of a new one for me, this feeling sad stuff (or maybe just feeling) . . . I agree, it helps to write through it all, sometimes leading us to conclusions that we wouldn't have otherwise reached.
      Thanks for being here, Love and hugs to you too :-)

  7. Awwwww. It is better (imo for what that's worth) to let our feelings out into the light, then to keep them hidden away in the dark (deleting) ;o) When we expose them and let them just hang free out in the sun for all to see, they hold no power over us. There are no secrets that come come back to shame us or expose us for what we are....because we have already willingly laid it all out there! Keeping our feelings in the dark leaves them holding the power. So we grieve our losses, feel the bittersweet joy at some of our memories, and we keep making our way forward.

    1. Annette,
      O yes, I'm all for getting feelings out there in the light. I was just a little surprised by this one . . . almost so surprised that I wasn't sure if I trusted it; whether it was real, if that make sense.
      It was like seeing some of those photos for the first time . . . Raw and wide awake.
      Forwards we go . . . I tried to comment at yours yesterday; I'm not sure if it went through . . . Just to say "all good stuff"; the hair, the three peaks!, feeling at peace, you're amazing! x

  8. I think looking back is often a melancholy affair. You see a photo and you remember who you were then, what you thought and how you felt and at the time. We change, and perhaps life loses a little of its glitter along the way. Or something. It's probably striking you very hard because of where you are in life now and you are perhaps just looking at things from a very new viewpoint and need some time to process it.

    1. Jeannie,
      I think you've hit the nail, bang, on the head!
      I'm looking back from a very new viewpoint . . . And it did strike me hard. That's it. It was like seeing some of them for the first time and it did leave me sad. As you also, rightly, say; time to process the feelings has helped.
      They were just pictures before. This time I could feel how I felt back then . . . And there are many "back thens".
      Thanks for being here x

  9. I'm a bloke.
    Feelings make us feel awkward.

    It's Father's Day?

    Bugger me, nobody told me.

    1. Twisted Scottish Bastard.
      Feeling awkward ? Not as awkward as you felt when those mutant rodents melted your heart ;-)
      Well, it was Father's day here . . . Not sure about over there . . . Maybe they forgot! Ooo errr.
      Maybe you'll get some surprises today.
      Happy belated Father's Day x