Wednesday 15 August 2012

Boy, I've missed you all!

I don't know where to start!
I won't start on a holiday post as I have photos to upload and not enough time right now so that will wait.

I came here last night and caught up on most of your blogs, still a few more to read and a few comments over here that I will reply to. I really, truly have missed you all. I bought some mobile internet credit whilst we were away for the laptop (I don't have a smart phone) so Geekster could watch Bolt win the 100metres . . . The next day, when I wanted to use it for bloggery, it just would not connect, possibly to do with where we were camping . . . So I was stranded with no internet! In some ways it was good, but I will say it again, I really did miss you all. I mean Really.

It's thundering and lightening here now, I love it, it's so rare and so powerful . . . I won't love it if the power gets cut off and I'm left stranded again.

There is so much I want to write about. The ten days away were an emotional roller coaster and there are many aspects that I need to think through, write through and get through. I came home on Monday so awfully depressed and miserable, I didn't leave the house until today (Wednesday) and that was out of sheer necessity. I will find my stride again in the next week or so, because I have no choice. If I were alone, I would go back to the sea, the rivers and the mountains tomorrow tonight. I would stay there for my Dad and for me . . .

I feel misplaced and wrong and stuck. That's because I am. I will need to get a grip and make the most of this situation . . . somehow.
Sometimes I think; I will, because I have to . . . Other times I think; I won't, because I can't. 
But I do have to, so I will try . . . Somehow.

I might go round in circles if I stay on that subject.
Stropster will be in from work in a few minutes so I need to get some food ready.

All I can say, for now, is how grateful I am to have this blog and so many good people here that I consider to be my friends . . . I did miss you all.

I'll start uploading some holiday photos after dinner. Love and thanks to you all for being here x

33 comments:

  1. What was it that you liked so much, that you want to go back to? Can you create it at home? Is it possible to move towards it.

    I am glad that you had good time.

    Look after yourself. I know depression is hard, but try to make a routine and stick to it, it does help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Kim, I feel bad even complaining after reading your blog . . . I caught up last night with you but didn't have the time or the words to comment (too tired).
      I feel for you and those awful "stuck in limbo" dreams, I read your last post over and over, it was very moving.
      I've always loved the sea and mountains, it's where I feel at home . . . not on a housing estate with no transport to get away. I too feel trapped but it doesn't compare to what you feel.
      I just can't move the kids away from their friends and Dads. Maybe I can go when they've grown up, but my Dad is not going to last much longer (he has Parkinsons Disease) . . . I don't know.
      I hope you feel a bit better today Kim. As I said I feel wrong moaning to you who has so much to cope with . . . I should count my blesings and find some gratitude but I am struggling with that one at the minute.
      Thanks for reading and being here Kim. Thoughts, love and prayers for you x

      Delete
  2. I am glad you are back. And sad that you feel misplaced. But for 'better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health' I will stick around eating up your words, they are like a tonic to me. As you write about all that roller coaster stuff, I hope you will find some peace and find your way back to contentment. And hopefully be able to do that without the help of illicit substances. I will say a little prayer for you, and I wish I could do more, I really do.
    Love always Kiwigirl xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Kiwigirl,
      Isn't it strange how a few days away can change so much . . . I'm struggling to get back to where I was. I hope I get some time tonight to write through why this happens in Wales. I'd like to say I'm on day one . . . but it's only 8 am, and I've been hoping for a day one since Monday, maybe today I'll pray instead of hoping, although even that feels a little hollow at the moment.
      I would love to sit here and write all day, I really would but I gotta see Drugs worker, Dr and Job centre this morning . . . Maybe they'll help (!)
      O dear. Sorry to be so down and miserable. Kiwigirl, thanks for being here, that actually helps me more than you could imagine. I hope all is good with you.
      Love sent to you x x

      Delete
  3. I'm so happy you're back you have been so missed.The camping sounds wonderful.This morning in bed I woke up to get a glass of water and when I passed the stairway I heard thunder and I was so happy.We had lightning to.I fell back a sleep with my ears tuned to it.I didnt hear it before with the ac on.It bought cool and fresh clean air with it and what a nice day.I hope you feel better not wrong and misplaced and stuck.Hopefully its just a short temporary feeling that will fade away delicatly and that inner peace you have in side of you will over flow and bring you smiles and joy in this world where you are loved and respected.
    Ilove you XoXoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Bev, I caught up with your blog, I loved your story of "Sunshine". I lived with a man in France for three years called Soleil, which you probably know means Sun.
      The camping was good Bev and we had great weather, the kids loved it. The problems are all emotional, to do with my Dad and Brother.
      I still feel a bit misplaced and stuck and definitley wrong, as I've used Heroin every day since I returned . . . But as you say, let's hope it's a short lapse and things will improve.
      Thanks for your lovely words Bev, they mean a lot to me x

      Delete
  4. I missed you too. Funny how the absence of contact with someone you've never even met can get you down.

    I would also love to spend a lot more time in the country - I wish we lived there - we would have but we thought the kids would prefer the city growing up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jeannie . . . I didn't see any updates from your blog, I will come over and check as sometimes it misses them. I'm sure you've written in the last two weeks!
      I mentioned missing you good folk to my family, and they laughed. Well they can laugh away, because I could go ten days without them and not miss them, which about says it all really.
      Yeah, my kids have too many friends and are way too settled here to move, which I supoose is a good thing (for them). . . And for now, it has to be about them.
      Hey ho. This too shall pass. The clouds are slowly lifting.
      I hope all is good with you, I'll pop over soon to your blog. Much love sent and thanks for being here x

      Delete
  5. I missed you too!!! Welcome home!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Sherry, Thanks, I read your posts last night, I might need to read again, there was a lot there! I love the yoga place idea, how good would that be? And I hope it's going well with Jenny ;-) Let us know.
      I am feeling very slightly more settled. I need to sit and write for a few hours. Maybe tonight I'll have more time.
      Thanks for being here Sherry x

      Delete
  6. Good to see you back safe & sound ! x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Karl, I read your post last night, was too tired (and rushed) to comment, but needless to say, I am so so pleased for you . . . quite envious really. You are truly buzzing and it must feel great.
      I'm back on day minus one . . . If that makes sense? I need to find the strength for day one again and take it from there . . .
      Much love and well done to you mate. You deserve all this good stuff and happiness x x

      Delete
  7. We all missed you. It is lovely to have you back within reach and I do hope (so much) that you find a way to be at peace with yourself. Given my druthers I would live by the sea. It won't be a happening thing for a whole range of reasons but I can (mostly) find contentment where I am.
    I am really, really looking forward to your next posts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The E's C,
      So good to see you here, I thought often of you and the SP and wondered how things were . . . I didn't notice that you'd updated your blog but I will come and check as these things get missed sometimes.
      Yes, I can usually find contentment(ish) here . . . And I'm sure I will again, I have a lot to be thankful for . . . I will retire to be beside the sea if/when the kids find thier own way. I just love nature; rivers, lakes, waterfalls . . . beaches (sigh).
      I hope the situation is improving for both of you. Sending much love your way x x x
      I'm really looking forward to getting time to write my next posts ;-)

      Delete
  8. It is nice to have you back. I relate to what you are saying. I pray you will find a way to achieve your inner peace so all the outer crap no longer matters. I believe you are a very strong woman and can achieve whatever you set your mind too. Can't wait to see the pics! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lori, it's good to be back (on-line).
      Yes,you're right, if we're ok on the inside the outer stuff does become trivia.
      I can't wait to see the pics too, I haven't even looked through them yet. I'm off to see my drugs worker soon, so hopefully tonight I will have time to upload and (maybe) offload ;-)
      Coming here and "chatting" to all you good folk has lifted many clouds already. Much love and thanks for being here Lori x x x

      Delete
  9. My Lovey!!! Welcome home!! For that is what our little cyber world is at times, isn't it? A home in the vast world of the internet.

    I can relate to this post more than you know. I grew up by the sea and when we moved away for so many years and then I couldn't afford to move back, there was always something missing. I craved the beach, the salt air, the environment. I'm not even a beach bunny, it's just a place I like to go to and relax and regroup. That's when I began guided imagery. (I didn't know it had a name) If I was in pain from a Migraine, or sad, I'd close my eyes and focus and imagine myself there and feel the warm sand, smell the salt air, hear the seagulls - I'd feel better after a little bit.

    Now, I'm back on the coast and won't leave it no matter what happens. Here's hoping to a better day and I pray for you. Maybe you can make a meeting?

    Be well!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Lovey, it really is home for me. Some folk might find that funny or sad but you people are my friends and there aint no shame in that for me. I feel blessed to have you all. I don't know how I would have got through the last few days without all of you.
      I got referred by my drugs worker today for a full mental health assessment as I'm presenting as bi-polar and depressed (plus anxiety and self harm) . . . Yes, that was some holiday ;-)
      I seem to have crashed big time . . . Anyway I'm still here and I will find my way somehow through this.
      Thanks for being here Lovey, and thanks for your prayers. Much love to you and yours x x x

      Delete
    2. If there is anything we can do to help you through this glitch in your progression we will. We have your back, and care so much for you.

      Delete
    3. The E's C, Bless your beautiful heart. You've no idea how much you help already, by writing that.
      Another new day . . . I'm hoping for some writing time today. There is suddenly a lot of unexpected "stuff" to deal with and it's a bit overwhelming.
      I will attempt to stay in the moment and keep it a clean moment.
      I'm a bit confused and words don't flow.
      Thanks for caring, it means so so much to me x

      Delete
  10. Buggerluvs We are all our own harshest critics and we all give in to temptation over and over and we fall and keep geting up.
    Theres so many things about you so endearing and I can list a doz. off the top of my head.Please love yourself as much as the rest of us love you.Xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Bev, I just want to be back where I was before I went away. I was getting so much done and being so optimistic (maybe a tad manic) and it feels like looking back at a different person just now.
      I will keep trying though, that's for sure.
      If I get one clean day it will be a strong start for me to build on again. Thanks again Bev for such kind words x

      Delete
  11. Hello. I'm jen. Just found your blog. I'm struggling so much right now and feel happy to have found a blogger that is okay with writing day 1 until she gets it right I may be stuck there for a while. Although I've been sober for 31 days today, I don't feel good about being boring with my friends. I am boring without booze. I'm shy and don't know how to have conversations. Talking with booze has been all ive known my whole life. How can that be changed?
    Hugs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Jen, I left a comment at yours but I forgot to say, well done on 31 days! That is huge from where I'm sitting right now.
      I've never been much of a talker, apart from when I was a drinker. I'm not sure how you change that . . . maybe you don't; some people don't talk much, that's not a bad thing. Or maybe given more time, as you come to know the true sober you, you will find a whole load of things to talk about . . . And maybe new friends?
      I think you're doing well Jen. Also, gradually, the benefits, freedom and growth that we will experience by beating our addictions, will put any worries of being boring or quiet in their place. They are the fears that keep us addicted.
      But, it's all easy said and not so easy done.
      Stay strong and keep writing x

      Delete
  12. Oh boy, you've been missed too!!!! I'd forgotten you were going on holiday and was beginning to feel concerned.

    I'll be checking out your archives this weekend to catch up on the parts of your story I missed so far, and to reread what I've already seen - because you are such a great writer!!

    My heart was warmed when I read that you thought of me while paddling across the river stones. I think of you and your sweet little family every time we go to the mountains and I find a quiet spot. Sitting there in solitude listening to the water and the birds, I always seem to think of you! I just love how this space connects us across the miles.

    Sending love and smiles...xx

    jenn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey JJ . . I tried to put my holiday (!) pics on-line today and connected the camera/phone to laptop as usual . . . but it did not come up on screen, as if it was just not connected but it was. If that makes sense. I hope I can work it out as there was a specific river that reminded me of you.
      I'm glad you're enjoying my story and glad you've found an internet hot spot at home!
      Love to you too JJ x

      Delete
  13. I wondered what had happened, with such a long gap between posts.

    I do hope you enjoyed your hols, and that the kids feel more relaxed. Stay well, (and clean)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aye Twisted Scottish Bastard, The kids loved every minute of it . . . well almost; Stropster came for the last few days but he's 17 so not really a kid, more a stroppy teenager and you know what they're like!
      Thanks, I'll try x

      Delete
  14. I've been on hols away in the middle of nowhere... little internet, normally only when in towns in a cafe etc. with free wi-fi... :-)

    ReplyDelete
  15. I certainly missed you! Even though I just found this blog not long ago. As said in our other comments, I really feel the same as you, that we have lots in common. I LOVE your writing. I always feel really depressed when I come home from vacation. Which I just did myself the 7th of August. My vacation consists of house sitting for my inlaws lol. But they have a beautiful house and property on a lake. They have boats and jet skis, a pool and good fishing. So for us, it is like staying at a vacation lake house. Then I come back to reality and I hate it. My house and my life, the awful neighborhood we live in. And I am back to work now (phone sex). But that is actually a break from the kids for me. And I am ever so happy to be making money. I always try to remind myself that even though I hate this house and the neighborhood and I feel my life sucks sometimes, it could be so much worse. And things are starting to look up for us with my going back to work and my husband getting out of the place that was holding him back.And your back! I have lots of awesome posts to look forward to. Even though we hardly know each other, I am here for you and I am rooting for you. We are in the same battle fighting side by side.
    Carrion

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Carrion, sorry so long to reply, as you've probably read by now I had a small crisis with Dr/Social services .. . all sorted now.
      You're right, it's a good move to think that things could be much worse. Makes us appreciate what we have, and that's always a good thing.
      Thanks for reading and I'm glad you're looking forward to the next episode, I'm looking forward to writing it. We are indeed warriors in the same battle, keep on fighting, with love x

      Delete
  16. Glad that you are back. Whenever I am gone for a week or more, it feels surreal to be back. Part of me is still in the place I went and the other is back to reality here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Syd, always a great pleasure to see you here. Yes, I totally felt that I'd left my sanity behind in Wales . . . It's finding it's way home gradually x

      Delete