Wednesday, 22 August 2012

What was she thinking?

I will try and stick to the facts for now. The minimum.

I saw the Doctor yesterday. A new Doctor. A very young, pregnant Doctor. Maybe that's not relevant but these are the facts. She listened as I went through my list. I was aware that the appointment was only for five minutes so I tried to be focused and use her time efficiently. She also had, on screen, a letter from my drugs worker outlining some stuff. I would like to see that letter.

She prescribed me Fluoxetine (Prozac) for now, to manage the anxiety and phobia related panic. She referred me for cognitive behavioural therapy with a view to progressing to exposure therapy if the CBT is not effective on the phobia. She said, once the anxiety has settled, they will review the mood swings and decide, after an assessment, if Prozac is still the right treatment. She said it was a shame that my near-recovery had been messed up like this and she hoped that I could get back on track soon. Meantime, that I should give the pills time to work, avoiding any stressful situations and take it easy.

Good, Yes thank you Doctor. She made an appointment for me to see her in two weeks, and every two weeks thereafter, alternating with my drugs worker, so that I'll be seen by someone every week, until some improvement is noted. Good, yes, very thorough.

She phoned me this morning to ask how I felt . . . Yes, not too bad thanks, bit nauseous and head achy from the first dose but I expect that for a few days. Also a bit shocked to have a Doctor call me to ask how I am . . .

She said . . . Well, I can't remember her exact words as my head went into a spin around the middle of the sentence. It went something like this;

One of the reasons I am calling you, is to inform you that I am obliged, under a new rule/law/hormonal feeling, to call in Social Services on you as a Heroin user with children. They will be calling you later.

Ok, let's stick with the facts here, if I were to start on the emotional stuff I don't know where it might take me.

I spent the rest of the day and evening scared. Stuck and scared. I have nothing to hide, which is why I have been totally honest with my drugs worker, the Doctor, my family, you people. I am not afraid of them discovering anything I have done, if I was, I would have lied. I am afraid of their power and their secrecy. I am afraid because they are just people with way too much power. They are flawed humans, with emotions. It only takes one with some beef towards users, some grudge, some anger or even just lack of understanding. I'm afraid because they don't know me at all. I am afraid because I am already in a bad place and I went for help . . .

They have not called today so I will worry for another day or as many days as I have to wait until they call. My mind is not sound at present, so I can't just not worry. I am searching constantly in my head for whys and whats and ifs and what ifs . . .

Just when I thought things were improving ever so slightly.

What was she thinking? I went to her feeling overwhelmed, trying to get back to a good place. I reported anxiety, depression and she has sent it soaring through the roof.

Sorry, my light-hearted interlude was very short-lived. I pray that they will call me tomorrow. I didn't think I could feel more afraid than last week, I think I was wrong. Although it is a different fear. This is rational and I can't run from it.

O God. I don't think I will sleep tonight.

Yes, I understand that there are bad parents who use, or drink, or abuse their kids in all manner of ways and sometimes intervention is required. I can't even think.


  1. Well shit. Okay... I'm going to try and be helpful here. Try to do some deep breathing and meditation...that might help you sleep. Then start making lists and gathering evidence on all the ways you are a good mother, caretaker and provider (just use those camping pictures-those kids looked pretty damn happy and healthy to me). See if you can find some people to speak to your character (and yes, even though I've never met you, I know you have great character traits).

    Once that's done, make a real life action plan that outlines what steps you have taken and MORE IMPORTANTLY, what steps you are going to take to kick that shit in the ass once and for all.

    Then do some more deep breathing.

    I have no idea whether any of this will actually have any impact on the outcome but at least it will give you something to DO while you have to wait. That always helps me and keep me from going crazy in times like this.

    Finally, be sure to let me know when that nazi doctor has her baby because then I'm coming across the pond to kick her fucking ass. What do I care? I'm American...we're all rude.

    I'm praying for you sweetie. It's going to be okay.


  2. I'm so sorry she betrayed your trust. I really don't know what to say. From the photos and things you've shared here, it seems that your children are thriving. I think it's horrible that she's chosen to add this fear to the fear and depression you were already coping with. I think you're right on target when you say it's hormonal.

    Not sure what else to say on this one. Sending love and hoping for some genuine goodness to come your way. xx

  3. I am shocked, just shocked, that she reported you after you reached out for help - I have no idea how that works over there, if that is a law or what...but...geez. You tell her about anxiety and then she counsels you on staying out of stressful situations and puts you smack dab in one - what a dumb ass she is. Okay, my vent is over.

    Now, time to deal with what I would do in your shoes...very much like what SoberMom said -maybe it's an American thing - after I've kicked her ass in my's time for real action. Deep breaths and plans. The pictures you post here are some of the best proof you have of what a good mother you truly are - look at those smiling faces!! Report cards too. Drawings from the kids, writings, any kinds of momentos you hung on to, are proof of a loving mom.

    Then you need to show how hard your working on kicking this things ass too. The meetings you've attended, any step work you've done, the readings you read, the prayers you've learned..along with all self work you've done - your house, your body, your writings here...all proof of your hard work.

    Don't worry, you'll handle this, Lovey! I'm sending prayers your way.

  4. Oh good Lord have mercy! I'm SO sorry! Everyone else has said so many good things, I won't add my own nasty opinion! The first words that popped in to my mind were, "that bitch!" lets just see how it all plays out. I can only imagine that if they visit they will see your well fed, thriving kids, your beautiful garden area, they will see a functioning home. Have your drug worker write you a letter confirming you are working on recovery. (((hug))) I am so sorry sweet girl.

  5. OH MY GOD! OH no she didn't! What I want to do is call her and give her a piece of my mind. What is she thinking? Stay the are going to be just fine. AND If you want to email me her name I will send her a letter telling her what I really think.

  6. Hateful beaurocratic imbecile. I hope she gets hemorrhoids. Big ones.
    I am so so sorry that this was dropped on you like a bolt from the blue. I liked the suggestion that you ask your drugs worker to act as a referee - I would assume that she is subject to the same rules (as is/was your usual doctor - who could also support your parenting skills). And yes, healthy happy children are a great testimonial. Sending so much caring your way. I wish we were closer.
    You will get through this - but I wish you didn't have to.

  7. I am so sorry this has happened to you, and can't really add anything helpful. Other than that, I am a big worrier, but after years of always imagining the worse case scenarios, I can honestly say none of them ever happened. I will be thinking of you, and agree with SoberMomRocks that writing things down might help, not just for the sake of Social Services, but in organising your own thoughts and calming your nerves a bit.
    Kia Kaha from KiwiGirl xxx

  8. You have to suggest a specific day and time for a requested appointment.

    Doctor Appointment Letter

  9. Oh my god...of course i have to comment,cos as you know,the very same thing happened to me (twice) and you helped me thru it and calmed my fears.I only hope i can do the same for you.You are doing absolutely EVERYTHING right,including sending your littlest one to school,so there really is nothing for them to do.They will come,poke their noses in your life,realise you are a wonderful mother with support in place,maybe have a cup of tea (if they can overcome their prejudices for long enough... ;) ) and GO,back to their offices and their stuffy little lives.....(i guess i don't like social workers,shhhhhh...).So much love and hugs your way xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

  10. Thats not good.
    However, before anything can be done in reltation to your kids, they have to have a team meeting. Your drugs worker will vouch for your, as will the doctor. So even if you get a crappy social worker, you have the majority on your side, plus a heck of a lot of back history where nothing bad has happened to the kids, which is proof in itself.
    Take care hun

  11. Idiot doctor. Let's just hope you don't have an idiot 'social worker' too; although I think the two are generally synonymous. Some good tips above. My only suggestion (for when he/she comes) is to talk about what YOU want to talk about; don't let them dominate the questioning. Bisou, Cro.

  12. OMG! That is such a shame and particularly after everything else was so good.

    Ok - I know saying try not to worry won't help but that is the answer really. They will call when they call - so... why worry? Be honest - you are I know so there is no issue there.

    I do pray that they will support you not attack you

  13. My folks always had the DSS & DCF on there back.
    But the thing IS.We had bruises.We where dirty and neglected.A couple times my folks where not home but at the bar when DSS came.We told these adults where they can find mom& dad.We didnt know better.

    Your children look very healthy clean and NO WAY neglected in any form.

    If they do a home inspection theres nothing different from any other good parent.Like you wrote theres nothing to hide!
    Thye have power but YOU HAVE PROOF!Be nice to them any way.Offer them cookies.what ever it takes to patronize them.

    Your in my prayers.I know you feel threatened and afraid & small.Your not alone Sweet Heart.We are all here.I wish I can take your pain & go throuh it for you.

  14. You are in my thoughts this morning. So strongly. I am just so so sorry this has happened. Talk about the absolute worst fear trigger for a mom...this would be it! Just know I'm standing there with you in my heart.

  15. I'll be praying about this until I read the good outcome I'm praying for. The plans suggested above are GREAT! Keeps you busy in the meantime and shows them that when faced with a stressor such as this, you know and do, pre-emptively, what is beneficial for you and your precious children. I will be in line to kick her ass later, if need be!! Love, hugs and prayers!

  16. I go to an anti-drugs group every week at the methadone clinic. Last week he happened to mention that the new government have changed policy and that one of the changes affects social services.

    What he said is, if you're a parent with heroin addiction (or even if you're just on a methadone script, I think) social services automatically have to be informed. Then they will see you twice first an appointment is set up when they will come and discuss stuff. Then they also make a "surprise" visit. You don't really sound like the type of person who lives in a shambles, spends the weekly food money on gear and has bare cupboards it's THAT type of thing, or drug paraphernalia esp. needles lying everywhere which I know you would never do and I know you don't go near needles.
    Obviously, being as you've already got anxiety issues flaring up this is the last thing you need.
    YOU WILL BE OK, YOUR KIDS WILL BE OK. Much as I can "know" anything when the person is the other side of the internet I KNOW.

  17. So there's no doctor/patient confidentiality? The only way I could see that being over-ridden would be if the children were in imminent danger. Oh man - I hope she's misread the "new law" in her hormonal state and they follow up first by asking her why she informed on you and they then phone you and say - don't worry - we have much scarier people we need to look into - carry on and all our best with the good work so far.
    As the others have said - deep breaths - and remember you are a flawed but still good Mom for your kids - and they love you. You'll be fine.

  18. What was this doctor thinking? You went to her to relieve your anxiety and she just quadrupled it. You should do ok with DSS. They check to make sure there is food in the house and if the house is clean and livable. Yes, I have dealt with these people before personally. They than will talk to your children and their school teachers. They also talk with you and that is where you will have your chance to shine. You explain everything like you do to us. I was 25 when DSS came into my life. I had to give random urines for a while and that was that. Please remember to BREATHE!!!! XOXOX

  19. Oh shit. Life often really sucks. I'm sure the Doc. didn't want to tell on you, but if she didn't our Big Brother goverment would have her job.