Sunday, 26 August 2012

Waiting for a better day . . . Or Stick Man

I'm not even sure why I've clicked on "new post" . . . The last few days I've come here to do that, I've thought to myself  "Wait for a better day (!?) . . . wait for some clean time . . . wait, wait, wait"

Why? Well I'm a bit fed up of myself really. And I'm damn sure I'm not the only one. A bit more than a bit fed up. Nothing changes if nothing changes and all that.

I know how it goes. I know I wont feel any different, any better, any anything, whilst I'm using. Apart from waking up with that sinking feeling of  "Fuck, shit, bollox, how did I get here again?" . . . So stop then. Simple. Put in some effort and reap those benefits. Yeah ok . . .

Looking back on pre-Wales posts is as remote as looking back on "Archive" posts.
Where did I go . . . ?

Half an hour later . . . I'm on day six of Prozac. My ears are permanently whooshing along with slight, weird little headaches. Not pain as such, just aware of feelings/twinges in my head that weren't there before. I've been told to wait couple of weeks to feel the effects. I can't decide if this is a good idea or not.

I'm Hamper G's pet penguin today and she's teaching me to read and count. Dr. Seuss's amazing alphabet book. Big Z, little z, what begins with Z? A Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz as you can plainly see! This is within my capabilities. Good grief.

I will try again later. Try try try again. Resist the impulse. Wait for it to pass. Stop kidding myself that it will help. I really will try, but I have really tried for days now . . . weeks. I feel utterly crap and drenched in sweat. Hot inside my head and cold outside.Yuk. Get a grip girl.

The good news is that I didn't get any further "unknown" calls . . . yet, even on that one I managed to convince myself that as I'd missed the call, they decided I was ignoring the call and decided to write instead. Well, I would, wouldn't I. Yes, this is embarrasing, but this is my mental state, me. And that's what I'm writing about . . .

I think we have a prison visit booked for Tuesday. Back to school Thursday. Utterly overwhelmed and wondering how I will do either of these things at the moment. Something has to change before then . . . And I know I am the only one who can change this something.

Right now that feels like saying to someone who is paralyzed, "Nothing will change unless you get up and walk" Of course I know this is only a feeling and not a reality . . . But it's a real feeling.

OK, enough. I'm getting on my own nerves here.
Hamper G passes me, the pet penguin, Stick man to read . . .

A Stuck man? A Stuck Man?
Now who could that be?
"Don't worry!" cries Stick man.
"I'll soon set you free."

Hurry up Stick Man, I'm stuck.

Thanks for sticking with me x


  1. Awww Bugerlugs, your just in a slump right now. Chin up, my friend....this too shall pass. Allow yourself a moment to utterly fall apart, kick and scream a bit and then pick yourself back up, move ahead and don't look back. Your a tough cookie, everything will be okay!

    And remember, ya got alot of love coming at you from all over the world. Your not alone, Bugs!

    Love, hugs and lots of prayers,


    1. Hi Summer,
      I am indeed in a slump! It's almost as if I can't remember how I got clean time previously. I Know I took it one day at a time, but presently I keep wrecking one day at a time . . . wretched stuff.
      Despite this, I do appreciate every bit of love, prayer, good vibe, hug and anything else positve that's being sent my way.
      I dislike posting these whingeing, moany posts but I gotta be real and true. And writing helps so I'll keep writing instead of waiting for a better day.
      Thanks Summer and much love sent your way too x

  2. You'll get there, girl! One breath at a time! Make yourself head out for a brisk walk, appreciate nature, and your breath. Try to be kind to YOU! You sound so hard on yourself, despite the fact that you really have come a long way. You can get there again. We're all 'cheering' for you! Take care!

    1. Shelley, Thanks for your encouragement. Sometimes I don't think I'm hard enough on myself . . . As in, I make excuses for using and kid myself it's OK (It's not Ok) and although I still carry on through, washing, cooking, cleaning etc. I want that freedom back, that waking up feeling light-hearted and energetic.
      I will get there again.
      And I appreciate your cheering and support all the way from SK (I did try to spell it!) Thanks Shelley x

  3. Some days are hard. This is a struggle and a lot of work. Your trip really seems to have thrown you off your path. But you will find your way back. You are strong and honest and forthright with a good heart. You want things to be different...that is a huge part of the whole equation. You will get there.....but its a process. Love to you sweet girl.

  4. Hi Annette . . . I am slightly concerned that the effects of Prozac might be detrimemntal . . . As in, I might feel complacent and not so worried about using.
    Although I can see why they were prescribed (even though the Dr. didn't listen), to reduce anxiety in some areas, I don't want to become "O all is well" with regards to my habit.
    I'll see what my drugs worker thinks on Thursday.
    Thanks, as always, for being here Annette and love to you too x

  5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. I didn't mean to say anything to make you defensive. I've gone back to delete my comment about six times because I was worried it sounded too judgmental...I should have deleted t.

      What I meant to say is that I'm still out here for you and that life sucks and addiction sucks and it's all just really, really hard.

      I'm sorry if it came out wrong. What you don't need right now is some bitch from across the pond telling you what to do. You need some hugs and lots of compassion.


    3. And BTW, I only go off half-cocked when I really care about someone and I really do care about you. I know how committed you are and that you have it in you to beat this monster.

      Okay...I'll stop blabbering now.

      Sleep well.

    4. Sherry, Don't worry :-) I did feel a bit defensive but I'm not exactly in a good place (or my right mind) . . . I know you care, Sherry and I appreciate and need every ounce of care from however far away. I am a bit worried about continuing with the Prozac but I'll talk to Drugs worker and NEW Dr this week.
      All is good. As The E's C said, I'm listening to lies (from the gear)and I have to know this, really know this . . . Every time my hand goes to pick up that phone today, I will say "Eff off liar" and I will mean it . . . Here goes.
      Love and hugs to you Sherry x

    5. Strap on your armor and head into battle. You have an army of love behind you.


  6. Timing is never really perfect.Yesterday I felt a little Zizzer-Zazzer-Zuzz.I think your determined.We all have periods of weakness.Your not alone.Take it slow and be patient with yourself.Your loved.XOXOall good things hoped your way!

    1. I am determined Bev, somewhere deep down I'm determined. I just need to find some "fight" and . . . Something (?).
      I'm fed up with myself for doing the very thing that makes me more fed up with myself . . . I'll try again tomorrow. Thanks Bev x

  7. Hope like hell that the Prozac works like the docs hope it will. I love the idea of being a pet Penguin.

    Does she feed you with sardines as well?

    Hang in there.

    1. Twisted Scottish Bastard
      Hmmmm, I'm not sure how she was hoping it would work. I did explain to her that the last time I took it, I turned into someone else . . . Maybe she thought that would be a good thing. Maybe I'll turn into a Penguin.
      She fed me grapes, I was a vegan pet Penguin.
      Thanks x

  8. Hmmmm, what can I add? Nothing really, hugs and prayers, from me (a stranger in a strange land!) a world away. But not a stranger, you are like the pen-pal I had when I was a teenager. I feel so close yet so far away! So, please keep trying for everyone, esp. your kids, but do it for all us friends in far flung places. And keep dreaming and hoping. How about this one? We are both mid 50's (still young and vibrant!). You are clean, and have managed to save a wee nest egg, and then you see a special cheap air-fare to N. Z., and you think "I know, I will have an adventure! And I have a good friend in N. Z., so don't need to pay for accommodation!" I will take time off work, we will hire a camper-van, and off we will go around the countryside. Of course you can bring Hamper-G. I am sure she will love it too!
    Kia Kaha from Kiwigirl xxx

    1. O Wow Kiwigirl, that sounds so good. I will keep trying, big time! I really will, for all of us.
      I'm off to bed with good thoughts of us, in our cheesecloth dresses and Patchouli . . . two (or 3) "young" hippies off to visit your Turangawaewae (sp?) and find me a shepherd!
      What an amazing idea, Thanks Kiwigirl. I will pray for some new strength tonight, love sent to you x

  9. Yes, I'm with Kiwigirl, come down under and visit our lovely land, that is a great goal to strive for. I can see you both now, driving around our beautiful countryside chatting about those days when you were struggling to kick the junk. 'How great it is that I finally managed to stop'.. that will be what you're saying then, because by then you would have managed it .. to get that gross shit out of your life and all the beautiful, kind, strong, lovely, clever, warm, determined, creative aspects of your personality will be shining through bright and strong. They are all there now, those parts of you .. I can feel them, all your readers can feel them, and we are all rooting for you. Dig deep my friend .. take all the support you can get .. you can beat this shit. It does happen, it can happen, and you can do it. I believe in you xxxx (gosh this is a bit full on, sorry, feeling a bit emotional today! xx)

    1. Thanks Mrs D, Isn't it a wonderful idea. I'm gonna dig deep, and deeper still. I had that strength and determination somewhere before and I have to find it again, I absolutely have to.
      Thanks for your encouragement and belief in me and no need to apologise for feeling emotional, at least you're feeling it . . . That's precisely what I need to do (which is another reason why Prozac worries me). But I won't worry for now, I'm off to bed with those good thoughts and prayers for extra-super-strength tomorrow.
      Love and thanks to you Mrs D x

  10. And when you have seen the sights and been greeted with open arms you can drop in on me. I too would love to see you. It is amazing the connection I feel to someone I have never met, but it is strong and it is there.
    This is a glitch you are going through. An ugly, ugly glitch where the beast lies to you. Which is perhaps the biggest skill that our addictions have.
    We care about you, using or not. Just the same we also hope that you can slay the dragon. In fact, never mind this hope crap, we know you can slay it.

    1. O that would be amazing, I would love to see you and SP, and Jazz and Jewel, your garden, all of it.
      I'm glad you wrote the bit about lies, I need to grasp that and hold on to it. I've been listening to lies and as I just said to Sherry I will keep hold of that today . . . Every time I go for the phone, I will remember that and send it packing.
      So many thanks for being here and caring. , I hope things are well for you and the SP, much love sent to you both x

  11. I haven't read all of the comments and I would email you privately but I can't find your email on your here you go! lol I take Prozac....and it does neutralize everything. My girls have also taken prozac and described it as "nothing is really great, and nothing is really awful....I am just going through the motions of each day." Prozac is NOT an anti-anxiety medication. It is an anti-depressant. There is a difference. There are anti-depressants that also have an anti-anxiety element to them.

    Obviously my experiences with Prozac will not necessarily be your experiences.....but finding the right medication usually takes some juggling and some trying this and trying that. I would talk to *that* dr and let her know that you are feeling complacent about so much. Honestly, I would find a new dr if at all possible. Don't give up is what I am all takes time. Hang in there.

    1. Hi Annette, There is so much conflicting info online, some say it's helpful with anxiety and OCD, others say it worsens them. I don't think it has started to take effect yet but I'm slightly concerned as last time I was on it, I was unrecognisable (with hindsight) to myself. From social-phobic, to barmaid! And with the Methadone already numbing my feelings, I'm not sure if I need any more numbness . . . I was confused when I saw the Dr, I still am really. I will change Dr though and let them and my Drugs worker know that I want to keep some kinda grip on reality. Moreover, I want to feel motivation not apathy. O my.
      OK, I am feeling determined this morning and praying that this determintaion will last through today. Just today. One day leads to another . . .
      Thanks, Annette, for your love and prayers x
      If ever you want to E-mail;

  12. I'm waiting for a Better Day too. I have this horrible realization that I have to give up Drugs for good, else I'm never going to be OK. The giving up has to be done NOW. Else it really will be too late... what with the methadose falling and all...

    I did reply to your comment here

    there are 2 links that you might find useful. The first one is about "racing thoughts" ... but to me a lot of what is described in the link is what "voices" say (catchphrases etc)...

    also there is a link re bipolar ii diagnosis. If these mood swings don't go away I'd ask for a specialist, ie a psychiatrist. Anyway I go on about this in the answer I didn't want to burden you with such stuff here, so it's all over there........

    ............Hope you're feelin' better soon, if not NOW.............


    See my social worker prediction came true you ARE OK

    1. Hi Gledwood . . . Thanks for the links, I'll go and check them out. I keep hearing some weird stuff. Last night it's like I was listening to a couple of business partners setting up business and talking about it. I mean, real boring stuff, but where does it come from? every time I closed my eyes, a new conversation would start!?
      I have pretty much the same realization as you and each day I set out so determined. Yet this determination and fight don't seem to be enough, but I will keep trying for sure.
      Yes, I think that's over with the Social Services, thank God. One less thing to worry about . . .
      I really hope we can both put this shit down, for once and for all.
      Much love, as always and thanks again x

    2. ps Gledwood, I've read the links (and more) much there that I can relate to. Intrusive thoughts; I didn't know this had a name, I've had these for as long as I can remember. Many relating to my phobia, where I can't get images out of my mind of "it" (the object) attacking me . . . And others of me attacking other people (!)
      And these boring conversations that I keep "over-hearing", or sometimes just phrases.
      As I said at you place, hypomania feels like the norm. If I could chose a "state" to stabilise, it would be there. Where I can work eleven/twelve hrs a day and laugh and sing and sleep well, without this vile depression hiding round the corner ready to pounce.
      I'm still not sure if the Prozac have made any difference yet. I just feel leaden, hot and cold, and lethargic. Blurrrrgherish x

  13. Don't give up on the Prozac yet. Also, don't beat yourself up when you relapse. There are two types of relapses, in my experience. The ones where you relapse and say "oh shit, this can't happen again" and dust yourself off. Than there is the other kind, "Oh well, I fucked up again, might as well go all out, I'll never stay clean". The latter is the disease screaming in your brain. If you goof, learn from it and move onward and upward. I used to stare at that tiny bit of powder and was amazed that something so small could be so powerful in my life. It now seems a lifetime ago. Many relapses, dusting off, and again, and again, until oneday I just looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. Breathe my friend. Just breathe...

    1. Thanks Lori, I did tell the Dr I was prepared to give the Prozac another month and see how we go. I do feel a lot less anxious and less teary . . . but also a bit too numb. I would like to feel a bit more "fight" in me, and I'm worried that the Prozac could be numbing this. We shall see.
      I was telling my drugs worker on Wednesday that the only peice of clarity I seem to get is at 6am just before I get up, when I feel the urgency in this and see what a waste of life, money, happiness etc it is . . . and swear to myself today will be different. If I could just keep hold of those feelings . . . they seem to fly away with the day.
      I will keep on trying for sure, everyday.
      Thanks for being here Lori, much love sent to you x x