Saturday, 18 August 2012

One strand of many . . .

Oh . . . K . . .

This might will be a messy post, if it gets as far as even being a post. The last few attempts have been abandoned. My mind is all over the place and I would very much like to create some order . . .
Where to start? At the beginning, an inner voice says . . . but where is the beginning? The beginning of this . . . this what? depression? zombie-like state? I don't even know what. And really it was triggered by a number of things, one of which began seven years ago . . . One of which began forty seven years ago. Others are not so specific.

It could be an on-going post in stages . . . I can't see me covering this lot without interruptions. Maybe just one aspect . . .

The phobia . . .

This alone could cover pages. My life has been; sometimes ruled, sometimes blighted and at best, just lived in tandem with, an irrational phobia. All phobias are irrational, if they aren't irrational (ie, snakes and potentially harmful creatures) they are not phobias. Phobias are of things like buttons, cotton wool, flags . . . . fill in the blank. I won't be filling in the blank. I can barely say the word, let alone see it written.

I could write a thesis on Phobias. I have studied them throughout my life (pre and post internet). I will not say what my phobia is, I am too afraid to say . . . Yes, the fearless Bugerlugs has one huge great massive fear. In fact one psychiatrist once told me, all of my fears are focused into this one inanimate object . . . hence my apparent lack of fear in other areas. I don't know if this is so . . . it's all just theories.

My early life was ruled from the age of three by this phobia. I am not blaming anyone here, kids can be cruel. Adults can be cruel . . . and have been, that is why I guard this close to me now. If anyone reading this, knows me and is aware of this, please, please respect the one thing I wish to keep to myself.

So  . . . fast forward through 30 years of making decisions based on the phobia . . . I found myself at 33 with a little boy (Stropster). I decide I need to address this before something awful happens. As this object is found outdoors, my phobia was beginning to morph into agoraphobia. Deal with it . . . Hypnotherapy, regression therapy . . .exposure therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy . . . Blah blah bledy blah . . . Nothing worked. My Dad even had elders perform an exorcism on me as a teenager in an attempt to rid me of what he considered to be a demonic possession.

I continued to see a psychiatrist who assured me that my Son would protect me. If I was honest and open with him, he would naturally protect me. I took a risk, he protected me . . .
Three years later along came Geekster, he too was understanding and protected me. I made sure that both of their Dads dealt with this object with both of my Sons to assure that they were not afraid . . . God forbid that anyone should live a life in fear of such a ridiculous thing. I too, told my boys this was not to be afraid of . . . it was me who was wrong, flawed, traumatised.

Heroin helped. It helps all things anxiety related. I was on Seroxat for many years prior to Heroin to calm my anxiety and stop the phobia escalating into agoraphobia again. Believe me, I am cutting this short . . . I came off gear once maybe ten years ago and went onto subutex (now known as Suboxone) That is when I realised how much the gear had been masking the phobia.

Fast-forward again to three years ago. Hamper G was two. I noticed something different with Hamper. When told not to do something she was very defiant, naughty? . . .  I worried, rightly so, about revealing this fear to her . . . I had a feeling she would not be so protective. I tried to avoid it . . impossible. I told her I had a severe allergy. That it is dangerous to me . . .

Fast forward to last week on holiday. I can't give too many details without giving clues, suffice to say that my Brother (who obviously knows the extent of my fear) saw Hamper G coming towards me with this thing behind her back . . . Issue one; he sat there calmly and told me, rather than doing something about it. Luckily Stropster was there and leapt to my rescue . . . Issue two . . . What The Fuck!!?!

This is one of the major things that has caused my anxiety to soar through he roof . . . has caused me to stay in the house since I returned from Wales (apart from having to buy food). I discussed this with my drugs worker, along with the other stuff that surfaced during my "holiday" . . .  Her advice. Get. This. Dealt. With. Now. . . . Before I go through a repeat of my childhood.

I can't put into words how scared I am. I'm dripping in sweat just thinking about it. The nearest I came to successfully ridding myself of this bastard monkey on my back was through exposure therapy (I won't elaborate, the clue is in the word exposure) . . . horrific, my blood runs cold at the thought of it . . . but what is the alternative?

Well there you go.

Other issues came to light in Wales. I want to write through this lot, if only to separate the strands . . . the whole lot is just a jumble at the moment of anxiety, anger, resentment . . . and fear.
Apart from referring me to my Dr to go back into exposure therapy . . . My drugs worker has also referred me for a full mental health assessment. I hadn't self-harmed in years. I have no idea which of the strands has caused me to start digging holes in my arms again . . . I'm sorry if this is not comfortable. It is what it is. The truth. My life.

It's ten am . . . that's one strand separated. I will be back later . . . Meantime I will try so so hard to get on with normality . . . to go into the garden and do what needs doing. To enjoy the Sun. To smile and try to be normal for the kids. To pray for some peace and some relief from this fucking turmoil . . . And maybe even for day one.

Okay, the kids are hungry, good timing.
I can't express how grateful I am to all of you for sticking with me through this. I appreciate each one of you. Thanks for reading and understanding. Much love to you x

No time to edit . . . it is what it is.


  1. I appreciate your honesty darlin. It must be horrifying to live with such a debilitating phobia. Wishing you all the strength you need to work through this. You're doing such hard work and it will pay off! Lots of love to you this Saturday morning xoxo

    1. Hi Imogen . . Yeah, I just need to untangle some stuff. Things get mixed up and it helps me to try and work out which reaction belongs to which trigger . . .
      That said, I do know there's only one way to deal with the phobia. I freaked out half way through treatment last time. I would like to be free of it as much as I would like to be free of my addiction . . . Like, now!
      No pain, no gain.
      Ah well, one day . . .
      Love sent to you too x

  2. know I'm alway here. You do what you need to do. Write it out, reason it out and I'll he here to "listen".

    1. Thanks Sherry, I never expected ten days away to cause such turmoil. I think I'm beginning to settle a bit today . . . finally.
      There are a few more aspects I need to write through . . . But I think I'll go for a "light-hearted interlude" next x

  3. I relate to your phobias and the other the physical punishment of yourself.
    Thank you for opening up and for trusting as and for adressing things that I clam up about like most ppl.I made peace with my bro after 8 years and it had to be me.Hes to stubborn & proud.
    Peace and all good things to you.You are not alone at all.We love you and I thank you for being you.One beautiful and kind and unique soul.

    1. Hi Bev . . . That holiday sure opened some cans of worms . . . I came back so angry with my Bro (not that he's aware of, just internally) about his whole attitude towards me.
      I will need to talk to him about it all eventually, but first I'll sort through the mess here, and get to the bottom of it. I came back very confused.
      I worked hard today, mostly on auto pilot, but just to be up and moving again helps.
      Thanks as always for your support and understanding, bless you Bev x

  4. Heavy, honest stuff here. I hope you can find some relief from this. I'm also hoping that I never post a photo of this unnamed thing. I would never want to do that to you.

    What Hamper did is difficult... I was often also that way as a child, always this need to push ALL of the buttons. I don't know where it comes from, really. That naughtiness. I hope you can both work it out and this doesn't become an issue.

    I'll be praying for you and I hope you know I mean that with spiritual sincerity rather than overtly religious weirdness. Hoping you are able to gain some peace of mind.

    I can certainly relate to overwhelming, irrational fears and the self harm. As Bev stated, you are not alone.

    Sending love, hope, prayers...

    1. Hi Jenn . . . Yes, heavy indeed! One of those posts. I honestly came home in such a tiz that I couldn't even work out who I was angry with . . . or why (!)
      It's getting clearer as I settle and separate the temporary emotions from what I'm left with . . . if that makes sense.
      I appreciate your prayers Jenn, I know they are from your soul, that's all that matters. Also don't worry about posting a photo Jenn . . . In fact, a pre-requisite to the exposure therapy is to check out pictures, then touch the pictures . . . Urghh!
      It's good to be able to write this stuff and have so many people that can relate.
      I'm glad you found some internet signal ;-)
      Thanks and love to you and yours x

  5. I used to be quite terrified of escalators - they still make me a bit uncomfortable. I think my fear of having my friends make fun of me for it caused me to use them in spite of myself. I don't think I was nearly as terrified as you seem to be.

    I also can not bear to have my ankles touched. This, I discovered only about 20 years ago as people tend not to go around touching other peoples ankles. It was my oldest who "helped" me find it. I don't remember why he grabbed at my ankle but I totally freaked. Out of the blue. Of course, he is like your Hamper G and has to keep getting the reaction out of me - not so much now as back then, but he likes to get a rise. I try not to react - I am screaming blue murder inside - whimpering and crying - but hold my breath so he doesn't know how badly it bothers me - knowing he'll just do it more. Just the thought of it has me squirming.

    We are all a little broken. Try whatever means available to you to soften the fear. Hypnosis might help. If you are anxious, try GABA (an amino acid available in health stores although it is likely or should be mixed with B6 - maybe check with a chemist whether it can be taken with your other meds safely)

    1. Hi Jeannie, It's almost impossible to compare fears/phobias as they are so very strange and personal. The one and only way I can react is to run away, I'm not a good runner but the adrenaline kicks in and I'm off. I've been known to run out into traffic to escape . . . being hit by a car would be preferable. Not in reality (obviously) but at the time the thoughts are not rational. There is no way I could not react. Everything within me screams run.
      I have nightmares where it comes close to happening occasionally and wake up very shaken.
      You are very brave to have faced both of these fears Jeannie and thanks for writing about them here. For some unknown reason (again, there are many theories) women are much more likely to develop a phobia than men.
      Unfortunately it cropped up again today, it's looking like I will need to deal with it . . . soon.
      I'm glad I wrote about it now x

  6. Lovey!!! Your phobia sounds similar to the one I had over the movies (remember that?) and it took a shit load of work for me to get over it and something tells me I still have more to do...Just the thought of going into a movie theatre caused panic attacks, flash backs to imagined scenes, anger, all sorts of creepy feelings. I ended up writing down my affirmation cards and read them everyday to remind myself that I was stronger than my triggers, I practiced deep breathing, I prayed, did guided imagery and finally I did exposure little by little...not sure if any of this gives you hope but I maybe it will???

    All my love and hugs, Lovey!!

    1. Hi Lovey ;-)
      Yes, I hadn't thought of it like that. I suppose because you had a reason for the "fear/hatred/anxiety" I didn't relate . . . but you're right, the reaction is the same and I would imagine, the ways of dealing with it are the same.
      When I did exposure therapy last time (16 yrs ago) it involved progressing through levels, each time learning to calm down with breathing techniques. It did begin to work, but I freaked and never went back again . . . Something tells me I will need to see it through this time . . . And get both of those bastard monkies off my back, for once and for all.
      I am actually so pleased now that I wrote about it . . . I'd hesistated for a long time but this holiday brought it right to the front again. I didn't expect such understanding and so many similar experiences.
      Thanks for sharing your experience Lovey x

    2. I'm glad you understood what I was trying to explain because it is so different from what you are dealing with and yet not different - if that makes sense. For me, it was baby steps and I had to figure out what steps it took. For you, it could be thinking about "blank" while deep breathing, then looking at a picture of "blank"...etc.... Much love to you, Lovey!!

  7. Oh my God ! This sounds awfull. If you've been using all these years to control this, you might have to sort it before you can give up. I think 99% of addicts have a mountain to climb before they can move on, Maybe this phobia is yours ?
    I wish for you to feel better soon X X

    1. Well Karl . . . I don't want it to sound like an excuse for using . . . In fact, until I remembered the Subbie experience today, I hadn't even related the two things, how strange.
      It was only when I went on the subutex that I noticed how chilled (numb) I had been about the issue whilst using . . . I then went back on the gear and, for the most part, the phobia took back seat again, until last week.
      It will be interesting to see if they are prepared to do exposure therapy with methadone/gear involved as the results may not hold once the methadone/gear is stopped? I hadn't considered that one . . . writing about these issues and getting wonderful feedback really does help.
      Thanks for your input and good wishes Karl x

  8. Phobic anxiety is the pits. All anxiety is the pits. Really it is worse than depression, because depression deadens you and anxiety wakes you up to horror. I always had this theory that depression is a lack of energy; anxiety is energy misplaced (clenching in around the heart)... does that make any sense?

    I mentioned you in my post but I was just saying you sound bipolar/cyclothymic it wasn't meant to be a diagnostic. I just was trying to say (and probably not very clearly) that so much of the stuff on the web is so misleading. People wonder why it takes so long to get proper diagnosis and then go back to repeating the same crap that causes the same confusion.

    The only DIY therapy I ever found that worked (in the line of "do not turn to drugs/medication, do yoga.... etc) is that long hot baths do definitely work for me for anxiety. Problem is where I am now there IS no bath!! I have never found a way of elevating the depressed mood reliably except that watching situation comedy certainly won't make you MORE depressed and distraction is a great therapy (and certainly a great time-waster)!

    Sorry I am rambling on and on here.

    I think Karl is right and the drugs clinics are wrong. The clinics seem to want to reduce everyone's experience to their drug problem. I think focusing on the differences rather than the similarities might help (NA would shoot me 'tween the eyes for saying this!)

    Here are some lucky stars 4u
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    1. Yes Gledwood, I think you're right, they should focus on the differences rather than just the "addict" aspect.
      My drugs worker did say that they might not diagnose due to the drugs/methadone, but my mental health records date back to 1978. I didn't touch the gear until 2000 though there was a lot of drinking and other drugs involved . . . I know for sure which came first. There is also much history of mental illness in both sides of the family, yet no drug abuse.
      She noted that before I went way I was working 14 hours a day and was all set to decorate etc etc . . . then I came back zombified, but with anxiety and tears (ie. not numb) . . . Yes, some of it is circumstantial and that is why I need to separate the issues. The anxiety is circumstantial for sure . . . but the depression/mania I'm not so sure yet. Hey Ho!
      I cleaned out the hamsters today and did a little experiment . . . As I did each cage I put the two/three or however many hamsters into a huge plastic bowl (laundry basket but solid) I put just less than an inch of hand-warm water in the bowl but also coffee jar lids so they could find "dry land" . . . They loved it, paddling and washing ansd splashing. Unfortunately, my camera is not connecting to my laptop (?) at the minute, when I find out why, I will get a video of them bathing . . . It cheered me up some ;-)
      Thanks for the stars! and for being here x

  9. That's really heavy stuff. How debilitating for you. I would agree with the others, before you can move on with anything, you really need to address this phobia, don't let it (or heroin or self-harm) 'be the boss of you', as my kids would say. You are totally capable of being the boss in all aspects of your life.
    And I would deal with that brother of yours, because harboring that sort of anger and anxiety can easily lead to physical sickness. I suggest total honesty, and you probably know these strategies already, but use "I" statements, rather than attacking him. Like, "I felt so hurt, when you let Hamper-G come up to me with that thing behind her back. I would have appreciated your protection." When you really want to say "You are a total arsehole for letting that happen, I never want to see you again, dickhead!"
    I learnt these and other 'communication tools' over years of self-help workshops. But I am sure you already know these things. When I was in a dark place wanting to end my 25year marriage, total honesty, and acknowledging my feelings, without attacking, or protecting, other people, really set me free, and you know I totally have the life I want now, finally at 49years and 11 months old!
    And I believe in you, that you can too, just attack it one issue at a time, and live in the moment, don't worry too much about the future. If you look after yourself in the here and now, the future will take care of itself.
    Sorry for this long rant.
    Love always from Kiwigirl Kia Kaha (stay strong)

    1. Hi Kiwigirl
      Debilitating is the exact word, when I get free from this I will be able to give some examples of just how ridiculous it was and how it has impacted almost every decision in my life; from holidays, to where I live, when I can go out or not, social events etc etc. Bonkers!
      And spot on . . . I need to deal with my Brother. You're right, I need to calm down first and give it some thought/writing . . . wait until I have settled in again and decide where he is really out of order as opposed to where my emotions were getting the better of me . . . I was such a confused emotional wreck when I first came back, it would have been pointless me trying to tackle anything in that state.
      Things are settling slowly. I stayed busy today which helped. I knew it would help, but I could just not get on with things for a few days. I really was stuck, almost frozen in fear.
      Anyway, I'm at least moving and hopefully progressing again now . . . phew!
      You need never apologize for writing any amount. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share your experiences. Also your advice; you have got yourself from a dark place to right where you want to be, that takes some doing and I admire you for that.
      Thanks Kiwigirl, much love to you x

  10. It sounds like you addiction and your phobia are tied up very close together. Recognising this is a big step, so cudos to that. But, if you want to beat the addiction, you are going to need to tackle the phobia, no matter how scary that is. But you have goal, imagine life with no phobia and no addiction, how great would that be? Now keep hold of that image. You have support, your kids. You can do it.

    I think exposure therapy sounds good. The fact that you cant write the name of it, shows a lot. Perhaps, that should be the first goal in therapy, as the word has to be one of the least scary things about it.

    Work at it, it will be worth. I know the saying says no pain no gain, but you have an awful lot here to gain. Good luck with it.

    1. Hi KIm . . . Yes, I'm beginning to think they are. I don't want that to sound like an excuse for using, and I'm trying again today to get through day ONE! . . . But it certainly reduces the anxiety levels, then again, so does methadone to a degree.
      Life without those two beasts would be amzing Kim, and once again, I feel bad complaining about things I could change (in time) when you are dealing with so much that you can't control.
      Thanks for being here Kim x

  11. Blogger hid this post from me. I am so glad I wasn't comfortable with the (supposed) length of time since your last post. As Bitter Angel says is sounds as if the gear and the phobia nestle way too tightly together. And invite self harming into the mix as well.
    Yet again I am in awe at the hard work you are doing. To tell us this phobia exists must have been huge. And I would be surprised if any of us are judging you. Phobias are very, very powerful beasties.
    Small steps - with us at your back.

    1. The E's C . . . Yes, I kept on waiting for a better day to write, then I decided to "sod it" and write about what I was dealing with. After all this has never been a fair weather Blog ;-) I'm so glad I did, Just bringing it out of hiding is liberating.
      Phobias are indeed very powerful beasties . . . I have tried again and again to rationalise it, but it doesn't work like that. It's way too entrenched on a subconscious level . . . almost unreachable. But the reaction is learned behaviour and that can be changed.
      Once again, sometimes I think I can deal with this . . . Other times I want to hide away forever.
      Thinking of you both with love x

    2. Since reading this post I have been thinking about it and you all day. Hurting for you, hurting with you. I wonder (and feel more than free to tell me to get back in my box) whether you are self harming as a way of refocusing your current awful pain - along the lines of 'I am not able/not ready to deal with x, but I can express a small part of the pain it causes me by digging holes in my arms'? All of us have different ways of dealing with emotional pain. I shut down, and wall myself off from everything and everyone including people who are trying to help me. Destructive I know, but it is what I do.
      In my own bumbling way I guess this further comment is a way of telling you how important you have become to me. You matter. In all of your manifestations.

    3. The E's C . . I think you're spot on about the pain infliction. As in, this pain I can control and deal with as oppossed to the other stuff . . .
      Well, Monday is here, I'll see what the Dr has to say. I'll see if she listens first . . . I have a list ready!
      It means a lot to me to matter to you, very much so. Thankyou x

  12. I swear I feel for you, I really do. I suffer from General Anxiety disorder all my life although as a child it was just considered very very shy. I've also been called High strung or jumpy. who knows I may even have ptsd I haven't been to any kind of therapy in 25 years.
    ANYWAY it all boils down to I have Random fears over stupid things. I was trying to say erashinal but I spell so bad that spell check doesnt even know what I'm trying to say!
    I also have a few phobias the main one being bridges. Not driveing over them I'm totally fine with that but WALKING BRIDGES! ugh. I wont bore you with the details but I've found faceing things little by little seems to be the ONLY thing that works.
    I'm not surprised at all by your sons natural need to protect you and you daughters defiance. I completely hate gender sterotypes BUT have found in my own family my boys are very protective of me while my oldest child, my daughter not so much. we seem to be at arms most of the time but part of that I'm sure is age ( almost 17 wow). As an example the running joke around here is when I'm old and unable to care for myself anymore my boys both swear to care for me while my daughter is adamant about sticking me in old folks home to rot away!!!
    Ah I really wanted to send you some profound words of wisdom to help you through this rough patch your in at the moment but unfortunately none are comeing to mind at this time. :-( I suppose I'm a bit to numb into my weekend to be of any real help, but just know that somebody who has never met you across the ocean is thinking of you tonight and truly wishes you all the best.
    Im sorry for the horrid spelling and grammar etc. but just needed to let you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE! peace honey.

    1. Jade, Thanks lovey, I'm so pleased now that I wrote about this. I didn't expect so many of you good folk to relate to it, that alone is comforting.
      I know what you mean by stereotypes, but I really had a feeling, way back, that Hamper G would be different. She actually brought it up again in the garden yesterday . . kept saying the word over and over. Somehow she has sensed this is not an allergy but a fear . . . I've no need to tell you how worried that makes me.
      Forget the profound words of wisdom (and spelling/grammar), Jade . . . Your honesty over your own fears and understanding mean much more to me. And the thought of you roamimng your yard in Pj's for a signal to post this says it all, bless your heart.
      Thanks and love sent to you x x

  13. P.S
    if you need a laugh picture this... in order to post my above comment I'm wandering around my yard and up and down my driveway with cell phone in hand held tword the sky in my PAJAMAS at 10 pm in order to get a damn signal on this stupid smart phone! ;-)

  14. Good luck with it...

    My daughter has a mad fear of frogs - goes back to an incident some years back with a cat attacking one in our garden, my wife went to stop the cat and help the frog. It leapt on my daughter - she went nuts!!! Since then honestly she can't abide them... also she apparently feels sick if having to dry up the washing up!!!!

    1. Hi Furtheron, I wondered where you were.
      It's weird how these fears/phobias start so innocently. I wish my phobia was something that I didn't see every day, that would help.
      I think my lads have the same aversion to drying up/washing up/putting dirty washing in the basket etc etc.
      Good to see you back x

  15. I been thinking about Hamper G.The name is so adorable.I dont know how you think of such cute pet names.
    times when there really litle boys can tend to atatch more with there moms and girls to there dads.It worked like this when me and 6 sibling where small & living with our parents.
    Also girls can be more curious.She may think a lot about your allergy/fear and wants to size up or understand the situation.Also girls may like a challenge and that she can scare you may give her a sense of control.
    just some thouhts.I been thinking lots about you since 1st reading this post.

    1. Hi Bev, It's the kids, mainly, that come up with these names, mostly by accident. Hamper G used to call the hamsters "hampers" before she could say hamsters (hence hamper girl) Then she called the pups, bubby wamps (baby hamps) so I named one pup Bubby and one Wamp . . . And so it goes on.
      Yes, I was very much a Daddy's girl and so was Hamper before he got sent to prison. I wish I could be sure he'll be there for her on his release, but time will tell . . .
      I think you're spot on about her having a sense of control, and that might even tie in with her missing her Dad . . . I came up with a new idea yesterday, get this . . Invent a pretend phobia, to steer her away from the real one, pretend I have one that is worse of something very available and see how she reacts with that. O my, I think my mind is doing overtime.
      Dr's today so I shall report back later.
      Thanks for giving this some thought Bev, all of this feedback is helpful.
      Heaps of love sent to you on this Monday morning x

  16. Oh baby girl...I read this and that is all that went through my mind. Poor baby girl. I of course have nothing useful or helpful to say lol...but know that I really do feel for you and I feel honored that you chose to share this here. I hope you keep writing and processing all that you are comfortable sharing. You know that saying....we are as sick as our secrets. Shining light on our dark spots really does help to take away their power. Bless your sweet heart. I think that when things come up it is so we can deal with them and purge them....its not just to torture us. ((HUG))

    1. O Annette, Bless your heart. I never expected so much understanding/empathy/interest when I wrote this post. I imagined a few "O Wow, not really knowing what to say" comments . . . And almost didn't publish.
      I trust every single one of you folk that have commented, even to the point that I would disclose the phobia . . . But then I worry who might be reading and NOT commenting. It is a powerful peice of info for someone with bad intentions.
      I do feel better for getting it out there and all this feedback (food for thought) has helped.
      I totally agree that, although it does feel like torture at the time, there is a good reason for this happening now. Fear is a powerful handcuff . . . And it is high time this was broken. All things are possible, love to you Annette x x

  17. Oh no no....I did not mean to infer that you should or needed to share your secret HERE! No no no.....that is for you to decide where and who to and if at all. Love to you....I trust completely that you will figure out the best way to navigate this rough are so capable and your honesty propels you forward and deeper toward your goal of freedom and health in all areas.

    1. Hey no worries Annette, I didn't think you were inferring that . . . I was just saying as an example of how much I trust all of you people here, that I would have no problem telling any of you.
      It has helped me so much to write about this and to have so much support right here x

  18. When I was going throuh true vertigo with water in my middle ear.Every thing was like a merry go round.I needed some one to hold my hand to walk me to the bank and I had a friend and I told her I was afraid of terrorists and thats why I needed her hand.I could not tell her I was afraid of falling down and diziness.It felt easier the the truth and even if she thouhgt Im crazy I prefered it that way.

    1. So true Bev, we need to do whatever it takes to get through the crazy stuff. I prayed today (aswell as going to the Dr) . . . Then, this afternoon Hamper G came screaming out of the bathroom; there was the biggest spider that I've ever seen on the ceiling!
      I got rid of it for her (I don't mind spiders) and then we sat and talked and to some extent she understood that I couldn't feel the same fear as she did towards the spider . . . just as she couldn't feel my fear.
      A small step but I think we made some good progress.

  19. I am so sorry that you are going through something so awful that it would make you self harm again after so long. I used to cut myself so I has been years since I have but things came up for me not to long ago that almost drove me to it again. I wish I had something helpful to say...You are such a strong, intelligent, soulful person. You deserve so much good. I hope that you can get there.

    1. Thanks Carrion, I can't believe that this post was only three days ago! . . . so much has happened and changed (again).
      This fear was dwarfed by a much bigger fear on Tuesday which was then wiped out on Wednesday (today) . . . I better get some kip as we never know what tomorrow might bring . . . Something good, for us both I hope x

  20. A phobia is a persistent fear of an object. I have had some fears but don't think that they are phobic ones. I too am sorry that you have had to deal with something that makes you so uncomfortable. For every fear I have had, I have worked at it by actually facing the thing that bothers me. But again, I cannot remember a phobic fear except for the bathtub when I was a kid. I did not want to get in the bathtub. I still prefer showers! Hope that you will find some peace from the phobia. You seem to be addressing whatever it is through psychoanalysis. That has got to help. Sending good thoughts your way, Bugs.

    1. Syd, yeah, me too, hoping that I find the strength to work through this and get to a better place. I've been there recently so I know it's possible x

  21. I am so sorry you are dealing with this situation in your life. I was getting a tad worried when you had written in awhile. We bloggers are like parents, always checking On the serious side I think it took a ton of courage to share something so personal and private with everyone. That alone is a sign that maybe you want things to get better. I am not a professional so I don't have "answers", but I do know that admitting you have a problem is the hugest step and you chose to share it with all of us. Maybe that is a sign that you are ready to fight the demon within? Just be well and like you and my dad always say and said, it is what it is...Peace xoxo

    1. Hi Lori, I can hardfly believe this was written only five days ago, it feels so remote now in light of my new fears and concerns.
      I did hesitate for a while about posting it, as I did with the Social Services issue. But when I started tgis blog it was with the intention of writing about whatever was on my mind at the time in total honesty . . . So that's ewhat I do.
      Sometimes I even hesitate about posting, thinking "O this is a downer for folk who are reading" . . . then I say to myself "Are you bonkers? this is not about keeping the readers happy, you fool, it's the truth about day to day life with it's ups and downs." And that's when I hit publish.
      I wish I had some fight in me at the moment, I kinda feel stuck. I'll pray tonight for some progress and strength to get un-stuck.
      Thanks Lori, you're a gem x