Wednesday 6 June 2012

Half way to . . . Paradise? or redemption.

When I started this Blog I was sixteen months away from my 50th Birthday; it seemed like far enough away, at the time, for some sort of target date . . . Now it's eight months away. The target is half the distance away. Question is, do I feel that I've made half the amount of changes I intended . . .  Putting it another way . . . If as many changes were to occur in the second eight months as those that have occured in the first eight months, would I be satisfied? Hmmm. Well, No . . .  OK, Yes and No . . . OK, No.  Alright, I'm not sure. Let's see.

Weight wise, yes I would be happy. Five kilos have gone, another five would be just fine; another ten would be twice as fine but five would get me to target. I'm still only eating the foods on my list, with one treat a week. This week I got a meringue nest, filled it with chopped strawberries and cherries and covered it in whipped cream. I could eat one now. Or two.

Gear wise, it's hard to say really. Yes, there has been progress. Back at the beginning of this Blog, I couldn't bear the thought of one day without using gear. . . now I can go for 5 or 6 days. It seems I have to learn to deal with the bigger "trials and tribulations" that inevitably come my way, being a single parent of three kids (with as many different Dads as Anon is want to remind me), without running back to my comfort blanket . . . Grow up? Maybe. So yes, another eight months might get me there. I am trying, some days harder than others, some days I don't even have to try. I'll keep going back to N/A as I can see it works for some. I've booked Stropster in for "Hamper-sitting" tomorrow so I can make it to this week's gathering; AKA eat all you can, as loudly as you can, in one and a half hours.

Health wise. Tonnes better. I can breath, I can walk four miles a day, I can skip (jump rope) three hundred+ a day, lift weights and do sit ups again. I'm still working on the press ups  . . . well no, I'm not really but I will be. I will be able to do them by the time I'm 50. Won't I.

The garden has improved, the house not so much but Hamper G has only been in school for three weeks (and now it's half term) so during the next eight months with Hamper in school, I think the decorating could begin.

I've started playing the piano again, I will draw again. I have my first half-portrait lined up.
I guess I'm saying hoping the next eight months will be more productive than the first eight months, as I now have Hamper G in school, have improved health and have finally started the ball rolling in the right direction. Like the first half was preparation or something. Something.

I've written, deleted, re-written, and now have four drafts of Professor Higgins part three. Too much detail just sounds terribly sordid, too little doesn't capture the atmosphere . . .  I might just fast forward to my escape and then flash back later. I suppose having never spoken about "those days", other than with Higgins, it's a tricky one. I don't want to get all hung up on it, as there are so many "eras" that I do want to write about. We'll see.

So, on reflection, I'd say I'm in a better place than I was last October and by my reckoning, progressing this way for the next eight months could lead me to the results that I set out to achieve. Of course, we never know what's round the corner. The best laid plans and all that . . . Full moons and all that . . . Now, this was a surprise; a nice surprise.
Stropster came home early this evening having spent a few nights at his Dad's house (keep up Anon, there are 720 Dads! one in prison, two in heaven) . . . he was carrying a guitar, said his Dad had been teaching him some chords and a few tunes . . .  said his Dad told him that I'd taught him how to play . .  . and that I was pretty good. And could I teach him some redemption song?  . . And how come he didn't know that I played so well . . .  How come? I'd forgotten, that's how. Not forgotten how to play, I was straight to it; even Hamper G listened and she never shuts up . . .  I'd forgotten that I knew how to play. Yeah well that just about fucking sums it up, doesn't it?

I'd forgotten that I knew how to play. And I'm not just talking guitar here, but you knew that. We had a good three hours with me showing him some redemption and, more importantly, him showing me some redemption. Yeah Man.
It's the best evening that I've had with Stropster in years. Totally unexpected and amazing.
I  have to be up at seven am, as Stropster is back to work tomorrow. Imagine if I missed the alarm, perish the thought . . . I'm off to bed. Goodnight and thanks for eight months of progress. If you weren't reading, I doubt it would have happened. It would not have happened.

25 comments:

  1. I think you have made so much progress in eight months. You keep working on yourself and improving upon yourself on so many levels, both mentally and physically - I have faith that progress will keep on going, Lovey!

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    1. Hi Lovey, nice to wake up to you here this morning ;-)
      Sometimes I think I've worked on myself, until I read the amount of real hard work you put into "keeping things going" as it were. Then I think I could do more . . . but I suppose we all work differently; Some days I have more fight than others.
      I'm glad you're still here Lovey, thanks x

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  2. Wow - there's a surprise! So the kids will see you in a new and different light too. That's fantastic! I think you've come a long way since I first started reading - I wish I could do as well. Maybe I'll pick up over the next 8 months too - I'm well past 50 but maybe I can aim for a healthier 54.

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    1. Hi Jeannie . . . Aint it just, and it was Silverhip who taught me too. All those things I listed that he'd taught me, how did I forget that!?
      You sure can . . . 54 is the new 21, that makes me 16 again. O boy no. I wouldn't want to be 16 again. I wouldn't mind having that energy and . . . body . . and teeth, but that's all, I think.

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  3. Mornin !
    Don't the months just whizz by.
    I can remember when you were desperate to do just 1day without using, but now you do several, that's brilliant in itself. There's no rush here, you have to be realistic about your goals. Having fixed dates can bring upset & dissapointment which could land you right back where you started. I know because I've been there, but then everyone is different.
    You're right about Na working for some people, but that it implies that it doesn't work for others, which is also something I agree with. The last time I left a Na meeting I practically ran to the nearest off-license & then went onto score. If I wanted to sit around holding hands & saying prayers I'd go to church, but that's just me ! If it works for you that's great, but I cant help but notice that when you mention Na there's always a moan attached.
    I think you've done great these past 8months & the next 8months you're gonna do even better.
    Karl X

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    1. Hi Karl, don't they just.
      Yeah, it's not like a date that I have to be all finished by, just I'd like to have a few things in place and dealt with by the time I'm 50. There are a few reasons for this.
      You're right about N/A, I do moan about the guy who leads the local one, prick. And sometimes I do feel like using when I come back from the meeting but Once Hamper G is back at school, I'll be getting the train to a daytime city N/A. I can't let one bloke (who used to use with my ex, so he thinks he knows something about me) at one meeting put me off. I'll keep trying it until I can make up my mind about whether it's for me or not. They only say a quick prayer at the end of these meetings, and no-one is forced to . . . but they do say it won't work unless one accepts that there's a spiritual side to this. Well I'm sure there is so that's Ok by me. Like you say, it doesn't work for some.
      Some days the only thing that really works for me, is to say NO. How simple is that? How hard is that?
      Take care mate and thanks x

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  4. I think you've made great progress... the gear is a hard thing, don't let anyone let you think overwise... and keep trying the NA - I can only say that only reason I'm who I am today and not drinking is simply because of AA.

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  5. Hi - I think you've made great progress on many many fronts - get drawing again you have a terrific talent.

    The gear - stopping that is so hard - keep on with NA, I can only again say that without AA I would not be who I am today and wouldn't be sober and with my family etc. etc.

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    1. Thanks Furtheron,
      Yeah I do want to draw again, there are so many things really that I want to do again when I'm in the right frame of mind (Clean). And yet, I still keep on allowing it to fool me, momentarily, but that moment is enough for the pupils to become so small that the light struggles to get in. And then it can take a hold so easily . . . It'scarey, but not scarey at the time; only looking back on how it happens, after a momemt of clarity has let the light in again.
      I went to N/A and didn't speak at all, but I heard some things. Mostly, I just sat and thought but I wouldn't have done that at home, so that's good in itself. It was worth it. I feel different, stronger.
      Good, thanks x

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  6. I think you have grown in leaps and bounds in 8 months. I LOVE reading your blog. I can't tell you how much your blog and your comments mean to me. You matter here in this little corner of the world. I love hearing about all that you are adding to your life....drawing, gardening, decorating, getting fit, playing the piano and the guitar. Precious times with your boy and the guitar. Its amazing how when we least expect it, God opens a door. The difference is that YOU walk through it. I love that about you.

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    1. Annette, seems we're both learning a lot about ourselves and making changes, "dealing with ourselves" . . . You're literally going up mountains in leaps and bounds! It's all good eh.
      I taught him some more guitar tonight.
      And I'd totally forgotten that yesterday morning, as I made coffee, I'd said a rushed but sincere prayer, for some peace in this family . . . Then that last night. I don't know why I wait to pray as a last resort?! Stubborn? rebellious? O well, I'm still learning . . . slowly ;-)
      Thanks for being here x

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  7. You have done so well, and have great things in store well beyond that 'big 50'. I will be 50 in 4 months, and was dreading it. All the usual questions 'What have I done with my life? What do I want to achieve for the next 20 or so years? blah, blah, blah, round and round in my head. But then out of the blue, I met a nice guy on a random night out. Talk about feeling like a teenager again! It's fantastic. So while it hasn't exactly answered all my questions, I am certainly distracted. And it's because a close friend of mine advised me to 'keep an open mind to new experiences and meeting new people.'
    So just keep your eyes forward, looking to the future, you never know what may be around the corner for you.
    I truly feel inspired by you, keep up the writing. KG xxx

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    1. Kiwigirl . . . WayHaY! I might have to eat (an early) meringue with strawberries and cream to celebrate with you! That is fantastic! I'm so pleased for you . . . I'll take your advice and keep looking forward. I always used to look for your Blog when you commented at GW's last year . . . And then remember that you didn't have one, I'm still wishing you did.
      You sound so happy, take care and thanks for being here x

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    2. Thanks, I would blog but totally challenged in technological areas. Plus would not know where to start etc. Will just keep commenting here, really enjoying it. You are welcome to e-mail me anytime if you want, but I think you have enough on your plate already, with the blog and all the others you support! KG

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  8. You really are your harshest critic aren't you? Tougher on yourself than anon even.
    From my perspective you have made GIANT steps forward and if you keep it up you will be well on track.
    Basically what I am saying is that you are inspirational. If you must whip yourself, please use the other hand to pat yourself on the back for all the positives you have achieved.

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    1. Hey The Elephant's Child!
      What a lovely surprise, I did read your latest post late last night, (I'll be back to comment) So I knew you were back in the Blogosphere; I've missed you.
      I suppose the thing that keeps me "negative" is the weakness that allows the gear back in. I can't understand that I find it so frightening (when my eyes are open) . . . yet my eyes are open when I first let it back in. I just so want to get the better of it. Round and round in circles.
      Anyway, I'll pat myself on the back, right now . . . And stay clean today. I'm glad you're back.

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  9. Don't freak out!

    You've made so much progress, and I've only been following you for like, a month. You seem like one of these really strong, character building people that everyone looks up to :-)

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    1. Catherine XOM'Wah!
      I'm glad you're still here and thanks. Do I really seem like that? Wow, imagine if my neighbours read this . . . ;-)
      You are lovely, thanks x

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  10. You have made tons of progress. You are finding enjoyment in other areas of your life. Please remember that we only go 'round once, so make the most of it. As long as you feel progress that is what matters. My late father always said the key is to thrive and not just survive. Congrats on the weight loss. So many tempting goodies out there. Comfort food. The walking is great. Keep up the good work. xoxo

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    1. Hi Lori . . . I nearly missed your comment.
      Yes, it is good to remember that THIS is it, no rehearsal; sometimes that's a bit scarey, but also well worth thinking about some days.
      Thanks for all your encouragement Lori and I'm glad life is calmer for you x

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  11. I could have sworn on a stack of bilbes that I commented last week.
    Either I've offended bugerlugs and she's deleted it, or I was blitzed out of my skull and imagined the whole thing.

    Anyway, keep going dear.

    BTW What's redemption?

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    1. Twisted Scottish Bastard . . sometimes I try and shorten that to TSB, but then I won't allow myself to and I go back to lengthen it! Being a tad OCD, I also know (without checking) that you last commented under the 70's photos, and I replied.
      Anyway you would need to go a long way to offend me, I still let Anon try, and fail, from time to time ;-)
      The Redemption song, Bob Marley . . . A favorite of many folk when learning the guitar, although most just learn the intro; I'm teaching Stropster the song first, then the intro!
      Or did you literally mean what's redemption? I doubt that.
      Thanks . . . I will keep going, all is good.

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    2. ps. TSB (!)
      You redeemed yourself well on your anniversary, talking of redemption!

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  12. I think that you are doing great. You are improving your body, your mind and your spirit. Learning how to be present for the children and for yourself is a huge thing. I hope that you will get to the point where you no longer want heroin and will dive into NA with a sponsor and work the steps. Life is so good when I remember what it used to be like.

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    1. Thanks Syd, I will definitely keep going to N/A until I'm clean enough to work the steps . . . that is my main ambition.
      Thanks for your encouragement, it means a lot to me.

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