It has been a busy, sunny and productive week. I won't list all that I've dealt with as it would be long and boring. With the money saved from not buying gear I've caught up with my bills and set up direct debits so I don't have to worry about getting behind again. That might sound pretty normal to most "grown-ups". It's a first for me. Ever. Maybe I really am growing up . . .?
Hamper G and I have had two three hour lunch time picnics in the park this week . . . Again, normal to most folk, a first for me. Way too many "small but significant" good things have happened to write about just now. I feel blessed and thankful.
I've cleaned all the hamsters out and there are only two new pups . . . so maybe I can make room for them ;-) eh? what's another two?
A few things I've read recently on other blogs got me to thinking about how my feelings towards gear can change from one day to the next. It's complex; how ex-users talk/think about the gear like an ex-lover . . . Sometimes over-romancing . . . other times over-demonising. Often blaming the other person/substance . . . He/she made me do that; the gear made me do that.
I did start to write a post about it which I intend to finish when I have some quiet time. Preferably before midnight.
I've finally started weight training again!! Wayhay! (thanks to Annette and Lou for the inspiration) It's easier than it was the first time round (7yrs ago). Apparently muscles have memory and in no time they were like "Hey yeah this is good . . . Time to wake up and get to work".
Stropster (16) decided to give it another go with me. He was shocked at my strength and began to get
I'm still working on Higgins (part 3), raking through the memories . . . There aren't enough hours in the day as it is and tomorrow we lose one! Gone. Fast forward and there it was . . . gone. That always seems weird to me, like, are we allowed to do this? (I mean turn the clocks forward an hour) I seem to have so much to do these days, I'm sure I could spend fourteen hours a day solid "doing stuff" and not run out.
This is getting long for a quickie
I look forward to your posts. So much happiness in all the small daily rituals. I love walking the dog every day, watching how the greenery in the park changes season to season, I also know who lives in every house on my street, and they always call out a cheery hello when they see me and my boy power-walking past! So many ways to find contentment in every single day. I am loving reading about your journey.
ReplyDeleteKiwigirl :)
yes, from my part of the world i enjoyed the reflection also. seems one of the most difficult things for each of us to learn, no matter who we are/where we are is that the power to get better, or achieve is always right inside us. we may "avoid ourselves" for years with other distractions, but the truth is always right under the surface. lovely, lovely post. enjoy your days :)
DeleteKiwigirl,
DeleteI really am surprised some days at the "buzz" I get from the smallest of things . . . It just gets better. Thanks for reading and writing some.
John,
DeleteSo true . . . avoiding ourselves and seeking help from "outside ourselves" rather than from within. Thanks, you too.
Reading and getting to know you, "hearing" you change..you have no idea how this helps me.
ReplyDeleteAnd picnics, paying the bills--grrl, next you will be in a bodybuilding competition. Nothing is impossible when you are clean, as we call it over here;)
Lou,
DeleteThat's a real bonus if it helps you or any other person. I never, no way, expected so many changes so soon.
(The next morning)
It is beginning to feel like nothing is impossible . . . And its another sunny day :-). Thanks for your encouragement.
So much joy in the little things. So much love. You are making memories for your children and now the are all good ones! Keep writing and keep posting. I look forward to reading your posts and seeing what you're up to.
ReplyDeleteI will, I would like to write more often but so so much to do. Gardening today, the weather is amazing for March. Everything is amazing for March ;-)
DeleteWe've already had our hour stolen. There is one clock in the kitchen still at the old time. It is nicer though not to be awakened too early with daylight - and to have evening come a bit later.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you are learning some new joys.
The gear will always be a part of your past - like a lover that turned out to be more toxic than helpful - so your changing feelings are understandable. As long as you remember where it took you in the end, those "good" times will be a shade less rosy. I can imagine how good it feels for you to be on top of things at last, that others take for granted. You should be very proud of yourself. Your kids must be thrilled too.
Jeannie,
DeleteThat's the hour gone. It will be good to have a longer evening . . . More time to work.
Yeah, I will finish the "ex" post (re gear). When it's looking rosy I try very hard to remember where it took me . . . But it's quite unbelievable the tricks our minds can play.
I did have a habit of returning to "toxic" lovers for many years so I can deffo relate it to that one.
I can't tell you how much your last comment to me meant and how incredibly happy I am for you as I read about the daily changes in your life. I am happy you feel inspired....lol. The thought that *I* inspired someone to life weights is hilarious. lol. But truly, I am LOVING reading your thoughts that you share here with us. And your comment to me, was priceless. Yes, my girl is not lost to Gods sight. Thank you for that precious reminder. And the concept of having had to know that to late know this. Yes.
ReplyDeleteAnnette,
DeleteAh thanks, I'm pleased it helped a bit. I think we all have a tendency to want it fixed now. It's hard to learn to want nothing more than "God's will". He knows why it has to be this way.
Hiya,
ReplyDeleteLife can & should be a fresh new adventure each & every day!
Wishing you happiness for now & forever... xKarl
Hi Karl,
DeleteThat sounds good to me . . . Are you ok? I've not heard from you for a while. How's it all going?
I hope things are good. I bet the beach is busy today, what a lovely Spring we're having eh . . . Take care and I hope you post soon x x
From the title I wondered if you had some male company ;-)...
ReplyDeleteThe ex-lover bit is very true I think. I almost went through periods of grief as though I had lost someone really close - it was very odd. But then doesn't that tell me my relationship with booze was all wrong - average Mr Joe in the street doesn't wake up at 2am and start crying because he hasn't had a drink in a month or two does he?
I love the lad getting competitive on the weights - funny...
Also it continues - like a relationship that was intimate when you look back often the rose tinted specs come out and you remember only the good bits not the bad ones, or vice versa there is little middle ground.
Yes it did sound a bit saucy dint it?
DeleteIt is rather like grieving sometimes (although very watered down I would imagine). Mostly I remember the negative effects of it but just occasionally if there is a bit too much stress in the air I think it would help . . But I know it wouldn't in the long run. I'm still writing a post on it as an "X" but it requires deep thought, peace and quiet. Unfortunately thats usually 2am.
Thanks for your comment at mine I'm trying to remain dead-set against gear so that I can go through this very long, slow detox without rocking the boat any more than I have to... I can't believe that a life without methadone is even on the horizon. That seems to good to be true. I HATE METHADONE! Even more than heroin. I HATE METHADONE!!
ReplyDeleteIt's not too good to be true Gledwood, you can do it. I too want off the methadone. Even though I'm stable on 40/45 ml I still get the sweats and chills. Yuk. and that awful "sudden tiredness" Like nodding out, without gear.
DeleteI'm so believing, hoping and praying for some good things to come your way this summer. You deserve some happiness . . . Soon!
With love x
While matching a documentary about addicts on methadone in.. new York? They mentioned how just "a normal life" is the dream that most of these people have. So, you're getting a "normal" life, and that must be pretty cool. Despite the ups and downs you have to go through, the "up" moments seem to be making up for the down ones. A friend once said that getting clean, after getting part the physical part, was like waking up and being alive again.
ReplyDeleteDirect debit - a very wonderful option, especially for anyone who gets distracted with other obligations.
The whole drugs "making" someone do something, this one eye'm a little undecided upon. Not sure how far someone can be pushed past something they would NEVER do under ANY circumstances, maybe it's closer to what someone would do in very desperate circumstances, usually of the financial kind. Yes, it's the drug habit that created that situation, however eye don't think eye've done things eye'd never, ever do if in a bad enough place. For example, eye've stolen some things from stores a few times to get drug money, but eye also had stolen from stores when hungry when not on drugs and having no money. But - drug money does cost more than a food item, and how much more often does "needing money" come up when using drugs - so it's a tricky one for me.
YAY for working out! It's a really good routine to get into, and you feel so nice.
yes, guys are silly.
OH goodness, time change always messes with me every time it happens. Like - WAIT how is it still light so late? And then the winter one - how is it dark at five?? Messes with the concept of scheduling, for sure.
AH have to go to class already, so coming back to this later, as there are other things to comment on, and the other day actually was going back through your posts almost to the beginning, (even though eye saw yours from the beginning before) and there was a time you asked me a question, that eye never answered, so that's one to go back to for sure, saved on the phone so eye can type it in the browser later.
Anyway you seem to be doing So awesome and eye'm very excited for you!
H'eyelick.
DeleteIt is like waking up and coming back to life. So many things that I'd forgotten to enjoy. I still can't quite believe it some days. It's a wonderful feeling of freedom and discovery, I can't tell you how happy I am that it happened . . . because deep down, honestly I didn't think it would.
When I talk of blaming the gear (as an ex) it's usually for behaviour rather than actions like stealing or other stuff I've done for money. Just small things like not going to parents evenings or letting the kids dig holes in the garden (lack of discipline) . . . Now I find myself saying "yeah well that was when I was on the gear" like one would say "Yeah well that was when I was with Tommy (or whoever)"
It is a complex relationship where addiction is involved. The post I'm trying to write on it requires that I think in peace . . . which is why it's not finished ;-) maybe one day.
I'm so glad that your back on line and joining in again. I appreciate your comments. Thanks x
Good for you. I am really glad that you are off heroin and working out. You have a great life.
ReplyDelete