I decided to take it easy today, well, as easy as you can with three kids.
I sat out on the patio and bathed my feet. Then after a thorough pedicure and a second soaking, I massaged them with cocoa butter and patchouli oil . . . I would've painted my toenails but it's early days in their recovery and they don't need to be attracting attention yet (much like me ;-) I did go to the shop in sandals though. So what? So have you seen a junky's feet ?. . . No, neither have they. I swear I didn't "see" my feet throughout those years. I
I'm ok at looking at stuff from within, no matter how embarrassing, painful or shameful it is . . . But when it involves other than me, I do tend to avoid dealing with these issues . . . Sometimes I have an awful vision of being left to care for my Mum in the future when the floodgates burst with the weight of resentment and unleash fifty (maybe a lot more by then) years worth of whys? and hows? Somehow I can't bring myself to tell her what angers me so. I don't want to hear the excuses. Ok enough of that.
It's almost half two and I need to be up at seven but one thing's for sure . . . I will be awake in an instant. And in that instant I'll remember why I feel so good. That alone is worth waking up for . . .
Sweet dreams and days to all. Thanks as always.
I don't know about your mom...but my mom carried a lot of her own guilt and remorse although she would never admit it, until right at the end when she broke into a million pieces. When she was healthy, she didn't want to talk about all of that, it was too hard to look at it.
ReplyDeleteAll I will say, is be open. You just never know the changes a person goes through as they approach their old age and last weeks on this earth.
And I say, paint your toes bright red. You deserve to show them off...no matter how flawed they still may be. Patchouli and french vanilla is my "signature scent." lol One of my girlfriends called it that because I have my own special mixture that I have worn for years.
Annette . . . Yes my Mum finds it too hard (impossible) to look at . . . Can't look/won't look. She went for one counselling session after my Brother's suicide (which is her biggest source of guilt) and please don't anyone dare add to add it! . . . but she wouldn't talk.
Deleteshe is 79 and in good strong health, I know as she gets older it will get less likely.
You must smell divine. I love Patchouli and Vanilla . . . wow that must be a beautiful mix.
I loved reading this - the bit about waking up - I forget those things. The normal has become waking up and not remember that I'm waking up not hung over, full of remorse for the lost day before, full of dread for the need to drink that day, full of fear of so many things and full of anger at the world and everyone in it.
ReplyDeleteThanks a good reminder I needed to be grateful from the moment I wake up until the moment I go to sleep
Good . . . I remember, not long ago, when I served as a reminder to you to be thankful because I felt so crap in the morning . . . Now look!
DeleteYou described those waking moments very well . . . shudder. I'm so glad to be up and singing by 7am (getting on the kids nerves) . . shut up Mum!!
Reading you these days is like watching a child discovering things for the first time and it makes me so happy. I just want to give you a big hug.
ReplyDeleteI love the scent of patchouli. I'm sure I have some oil somewhere - I should mix some into my lotion and put it on my feet too. mmmm
We are back to the cold again now though it's supposed to warm up again too.
I don't understand all that made my mother the way she was but I have worked for years on trying to forgive her - it can be tumultuous. It is easier now as she has admitted that she was unfair although she doesn't see the full extent of it. I try to overcome the bitterness and resentment, after all, I have kids too and I wasn't a perfect Mom either - partly because of having to deal with my own issues - including my mother. I have been self absorbed and clueless to many things. For instance, I had no idea that my daughter was on a few of the school's sports teams in high school - playing against other schools etc. I never saw a single game. WTF? I know I was working long hours but how did I miss such a big part of her life?
Thanks Jeannie . . Hug received :-)
DeleteMy Mum will go as far as admitting she was a terrible mother . . . So why hasn't she learned from it?
I also know I'm not a perfect mother but I do try . . . And I do try to learn and change.
I can't see myself ever being able to talk with her about it . . . I think I just to have accept, which I can do most of the time. It's when she brings it in to the present by repeating certain behaviour that my bllod boils. O dear. Mothers and daughters eh.
Good for you, Lovey!! Getting a tan, spending time outside with your children, drinking in the sunshine and living the life you so richly deserve and earned to live. You are DOING it, girl and I'm so proud of you each and every day. You are making it. You chose the perfect time of year to shed your addiction - spring - a time for new beginnings. Good for you!!
ReplyDeletePamper yourself, your feet, your toes - YOU - you've earned it. Enjoy that for now and, if possible, let the resentment, guilt and other icky stuff go for a bit. Breathe and smile =)
It really is the best time of the year, the hottest spring for a long time. There's so much to do and I want to do it all :-)
DeleteFor the most part I don't dwell on this "icky stuff" but it does tend to rear it's head now and then. I might just have to learn how to deal with it . . . eventually.
Thanks Lovey x
We bring our mothers to our own parenting..just as your mother brought hers to parenting you. Some mothers are malicious, or plain abusive, but most of us did the best we could with what we knew at the time.
ReplyDeleteI do think you need to find out why you are angry. Just so you can forgive and forget...when you are ready.
Oh, and so proud of you. XOXO
O Lou please don't say that :-( . . . Are you sure?
DeleteMy Mum does blame her lack of love on not being loved . . . But she has always marvelled at my love for my kids . . . and has even asked me where did I learn it!? (from Silverhip).
I do know why I'm angry and I like to think I've forgiven (!) but when it creeps into the present I can't always forget . . if that makes sense.
I'm having to dress about 7 barbie dolls as I write. The idea being, if I answer comments this morning I might have time to do a post tonight . . . although last night I fell asleep at 9pm with my daughter . . . after another day in the park, in the sun! Thanks for your comments Lou x
Wow, this was the best thing I've read all day. I can just see you all tan and taking care of yourself and doing a pedicure! I am so happy that you're feeling happy, you deserve it. It took me years to deal with my issues with my mother and they still aren't resolved, but I did figure out that it was easier to let it go than I thought it would be once I did. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteI keep my toes painted shades of red or pink most of the time, it just makes me feel more feminine. Your feet have carried you around for years, they are important. They are no longer a vessel for "other things" so celebrate them!
Thanks Barbara . . . well my face and arms are tan, I'm working on the rest!
DeleteYes that makes sense . . . I think it does get easier, whether it ever gets resolved I don't know.
My Mum came to join us in the park yersterday and could hardly believe I had my feet "out" in the sun . . . celebrating them ;-). Good news on Keven, it must a Spring thing x
Nice to have such good weather! I wish that both my parents were alive so that I could really talk with them. I don't think that I had a heart to heart with my father ever. He didn't know how and neither did I. It's like the song, "I wish I could have told him in the living years".
ReplyDeleteTwo more days of sunshine since this post and it's looking good for another one today.
DeleteMy dad is very frail now and has Parkinson's Disease but has at least shown remorse in the past. Mum seems to think saying she was a bad mother is "dealing with it" :-)
I can't imagine it getting any further than this even though they're both alive. O well a whole new day awaits.
Oh God I relate to the "junky feet" thing. I used to go in my legs and neck so I wouldn't have marks on my legs. I start tanning my legs as early as possible. Isn't it amazing the little joys you rediscover? Savor these moments, there will be many more to come!
ReplyDeleteHi Lori . . . I missed your comment here, sorry. Unfortunately my arms are covered in (innocent) scars from well picked/scratched/infected mosquito bites . . . So they look like either fag burns or abcess scars from injecting. The more I tan, they more they show up as they stay white! O Well.
DeleteI took your advice on listening to some "sounds" the other day . . . It worked. Thanks ;-)