Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Ok . . . I've said it.

Just a quickie then . . . well I can't say I failed as that would imply that I tried. Maybe that's why I didn't try . . .  so I wouldn't fail?
I have no idea why I didn't try?  Really I've not had time to think about it yet I suppose. All I know is, it was a good day. I woke up with some energy, got the lads out, then spent 5 happy hours with Hamper G cleaning out the hamsters, checking their babies, chatting to and "voicing over" them, finding new combinations to accommodate the "newly discovered males" before we have any more accidents and generally enjoying the little swines. Flew through a few of hours cleaning, washing, cooking, bathed hamper G and  . . .  texted my dealer. Fool. Everytime a bit of me even tried to consider the option of not texting/phoning it was as if another part of me, stuck its fingers firmly in its ears and La La La La'ed very loudly! No. Not listening. Ner Ner. Fool. That's about as much as I can say happened, as that is what happened. Why?? . . . On a good day like today. No stress. None. And that's a rarity. I even prayed today would be easy and productive as I was well aware that a stressful, lethargic day would be the perfect excuse. So Why? If today wasn't right, when will be?

I am reluctant to say "I need to be forced to have a night off to make me realise it is not so hard" as it's likely to happen if I do. So why not? The trouble is, those rare times that I've been forced to go without (drought or gear just not being available) although it is what I've prayed for/wished for/wanted/needed, some twisted logic says this is not for the best, not the right way, it's being forced on me and will NOT work. No way. It leads me to panic and convince myself that I need to get gear. It has to be here, then I can say No. My choice. Yeah, right. Hideous and wrong. Because it does work. It's happened before and after ruining most of  my evening texting or calling users and dealers whose numbers no longer exist, jittering about, chain smoking, forcing a sniffle despite extra methadone, cursing and fighting this rare opportunity, knowing I won't get a result because this is meant to be, I finally go to sleep . . .  I wake up feeling brighter, looking better, moving faster, singing (?!) louder and realise I survived, I slept more soundly and saved £10/£15!

So ok, I know it works, it will happen and it will be for the best . . . "I need to not be able to score, to be forced to take a night off and see that it's not so hard after all" .

Any idea how many times I highlighted that line ready to delete?


  1. You don't need to be forced, you just have to be willing to go through some (ahem) discomfort. It's not easy. You are out of practise being your own boss in this area but you CAN do it. You have just as much ability as anyone else to do this. (I am giving myself a pep talk too to quit eating so much crap. It's easier to let the spoiled brat kid be in charge rather than the adult me.)

  2. You're lucky that you have money to cop every day. The #1 reason I stop using is that I run out of $$$. Unfortunately (or fortunately) there's rarely ever a shortage. The dealers in my area are always on during business hours (10 am - 8 pm Mon-Sat, and 12-3 on Sun). Seriously, they have business hours and the receptionist turns the phones off when they close. And then there's always the back up hombres who are available outside of business hours.

    I have faith that when you're ready to give up your crutch, you can and will.

  3. Jeannie, It did occur to me while I was writing that "forced" might be the wrong word. Although I do realise that I have to take charge of this situation and "put the spoiled brat back in her place", show her who's boss, as it were, What I meant was that sometimes if the first day/few days happen without me having a choice (drought/availability) it really does help towards getting on that first rung. There is still the discomfort to deal with but without the added battle of do I give in/not give in? You're right about it being easier to let the "child" have her way. As with real life sometimes it's much easier to let my daughter have her way than to discipline her, even though I know at the time that's it's wrong. I definitely need to do some work on my "adult" and take back the reins. Thanks for your encouragement.

  4. Any excuse seems like a good excuse, happens way too easily. Then when a similar circumstance comes along in the future, it's kind of wired into you to react that way! Recently started this semi-silly thing where eye text ppl and tell them to pick a # 0-60, then take the average of that, and that's how long in minutes eye have to wait to use (night shot only, which happens between 7&8-newish couple week old rule bc doing anything earlier makes me just want to do it again around 9) Logic to this is so that way eye can kick out of head any tendency to use out of boredom, upset, or the big one Bc eye left the house & came home (got into this habit with old jobs bc of getting home from work, but school hours are scattered & if eye want something every time eye come back from anywhere at all, that's not going to help save anything now, is it?) Of course, your situation's different considering you want to stop altogether, but it's just that even on a GOOD day, the mind will either come up with a reason like "celebration" or "bored now," but other times it's just plain routine, which is so so hard to get out of!

    Being "forced" definitely does work, kind of have the same thing, even in times without funds, eye will attempt to figure something out, or expect him to, and freak out and stay on it, all the way up to "closing time" (8pm, yeah 7a-8p's much cuter than those other hours, BUT there's not too much "back up," where eye live, you're more likely to get ripped of by someone after that!) But once there's NOTHING that can be done, eye do settle down & just accept it. Did cold turkey at the Burning Man festival. Some people said they didn't know how eye could do it, an ex-user friend said in that situation, he'd be going around everywhere begging for drugs. Eye said that there's nothing that can be done, so eye accepted it, curled up & miserable but resigned to m'eye fate, begging and complaining will do nothing to change it.

    Sometimes having something but being able to say NO works, that's how boyfriend quit methamphetamine actually, kept a vial in his bathroom cupboard & every morning looked at it & reminded himself of all the bad that came with it, got disgusted, and walked away, but maybe heroin's different bc if it's around, there isn't too much NO that ever happens for him!

    Not sure if your dealers have "hours" that they work, but what would work for a previous roommate, he would stay busy, often outside of the house (without a phone), in the evening, up until after "closing time." That's the way he forced himself. If you have something similar far as delivery times, maybe you can take your kids out to a park or restaurant (probably more like a park as it's not like we have all this disposable income really) for a couple hours around that time, until there's no temptation?

  5. Susie, I've not always got money but luckily/unluckily I've used same supplier for so long I can borrow gear all week if need be . . So running outta money don't stop me. In the nearby city, there are professional dealers like you describe but I'm in a small town where if you use one person you stick to them, bit of a loyalty thing to get bigger bags. I'm not sure I even use it as a "crutch" as I get through most of my stressful stuff during the day, without it. It's really more of a wind down thing, a "reward" for getting through the day withut a "crutch"?!? Then again I could be fooling myself . . that's the thing with gear. After being numbed for so long maybe I don't even know the true reason why I use. But I'm sure I'll find out when I go without. When indeed.

  6. Eyelick, Yes "coming home" from anywhere used to be the best reason, When Hamper G's dad was about, even after we split (now doing 5 yrs for alleged dealing) He was very resourceful and generous. I was using 6 to 8 bags a day. Of "his" bags that amounted to almost 2 grams a day. Always when I came in from shopping, school, anywhere, he would appear with one "on". Gradually I managed to cut down to one in the evening because of my lungs. (emphysema.)That was difficult when there was so much of it about for free. I still think I need to use when I get in from doing the big weekly shop like yesterday. I picked the phone up and thought . . . what are you doing? I'm seeing drugs worker this afternoon, thats another trigger that I will attempt to ignore ;-) I'm sure I'll succeed too, but then when it comes to 7/8pm I kinda panic and think if I don't call now it will be too late. Even if I go to the park/watch tv/try any distraction, I am so aware of the minutes ticking away. Being forced just for one night does make me realise the next day, that the evening wasn't so much different from a using evening. Still watch the same crap on tv, chill and go to sleep. I am definitely getting prepared though. I'm spending so much time thinking about it and considering the benefits. I'm well aware that if I don't do it now, then I probably never will.

  7. Ugh i know that's hard. I had a hard time too, NOT to call. I just had to. As soon as the time was getting close to where it was to late to call anyone, i'd panic and call the guy.

    But if you manage to get away from it, it suddenly feels so damn great not to call and not having to worry about it. It was as if a heavy load of stress fell off me. I hated having to score and worry about the freaking money and everything.

    I'm on methadone since 2008 btw.

  8. Natascha, That sounded so familiar it made me laugh ;-)I got to 9pm!! tonight and was almost asleep then panicked!?! Started kidding myself "O I'll get one in tonight and keep it for tomorrow, at least it's here then." As If! He'd not even driven off and it was on the foil. But 9pm is an improvement. Usually I'm trying to score by 4 or 5pm to make sure its safely in the house for later. At least tonight I spent so long without giving it a thought. Definite improvement. Just about to update blog on another big improvement.
    Your last paragraph encouraged me. It reminded me of how good it feels when you finally succeed in NOT calling. A huge difference. Thanks x
    I checked your photos out, lovely sunsets, boats, clouds, & Murli in her bag :-)

  9. LOL i know that thought process so well: "I just want to have it here, i don't need it now, but it's better if it's here..." But of course, it gets cooked up as soon as possible, sigh...
    So great that you got something out of my comment :D

    Glad you liked my photos! Haha i really love to take pics of the sky and the weather :)

    I'm really happy i found your blog!