Tuesday, 8 November 2011

First goal

Ok I've pretty much outlined the main changes that I would really like to make. I'm not looking to become a different person or anything "more" than I've been in the past (pre-H). If I do become more content, more motivated, or more anything than ever before, that would be a bonus, but I'm tying to keep my goals "real". It's weird cus sometimes it feels so do-able. I was clean for 38 years, although not sober. Other days it feels impossible. Yesterday I spent time reading blogs. Some things I read reminded me how hard it is to stop this damn drug. Its easy to talk about stopping when it's still in your life . . . but the void it leaves is quite incredible. I have tried before. This time might be easier for the following reasons. I wont have to do any cold turkey as I have a methadone script. I only use one bag a day. I don't socialise with other addicts or live the "lifestyle" associated with Heroin addiction. I no longer spend hours a day raising money to score, running around trying to score, scoring and using. All of which leaves a lot of empty hours when you stop. So the actual using time that I will need to "fill" is not a problem.  . . . . .  Where is the difficulty for me?  To be honest I can't remember but I soon will. I need to try to do one night off. Even if it's only one night to begin with. That is my first goal. The sooner I do this the happier I will be that this is going somewhere. Like getting on the bottom rung of the ladder. Once I am on the bottom rung I will believe that I can go further. The first rung to the second rung will then be easier. I think I will be quite excited. If I can't get on the bottom rung I need to find out what it is that I'm so frightened of. What is preventing me from making that first move. Ok let's see what tomorrow brings.
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8 comments:

  1. Jeannie8 November 2011 at 13:21

    It's a scary thing I'm sure. I remember when I smoked and the thought of going forever without a cigarette - and I didn't even like them as most smokers did - was unfathomable. It takes guts to make that decision to go without. It's much the same with dieting - the thought of denying yourself seems a punishment when really it's a reward. It's a crazy thing.

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  2. Susie8 November 2011 at 15:39

    I just found your blog and really like it. You've been through a lot. I feel like I'm kind of in a similar same place with my addiction. Except I have cats instead of kids and Subs instead of Done. Good luck with night one.

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  3. Bar L.8 November 2011 at 19:52

    I like your goals and agree with you - each rung of the ladder should be a bit easier. But if you get stuck on one step of it - just hang on till you're ready to reach up for the next one. I know you can do it, because you WANT to do it.

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  4. bugerlugs639 November 2011 at 01:31

    Jeannie.
    Tis a crazy thing indeed. Even just one night. I wouldn't dare tell myself that it's forever (though I know it would have to be eventually) or it would seem to big. Yes the whole punishment/reward thing is so mixed up. I hate that it can get the better of me.

    Susie
    Hi glad you like it. Cats are beautiful and so quiet ;-) Thanks for reading.

    Barbara
    Seems I'm stuck on the floor at the minute . . . but I can't say I tried much. I will try. You're right I do want to do it. I hope you are feeling more settled than at the weekend. I can't imagine the worry of it. Take care x

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  5. bugerlugs639 November 2011 at 01:37

    PS Susie, thanks for the "good luck with night one" I will keep hold of it as I didn't use it (yet)

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  6. Susie9 November 2011 at 14:30

    It's OK, don't feel bad. You are certainly not alone. It's hard. Night one for me was supposed to be last night, but nope fail. Maybe tonight. I would like to get clean so much but the pull is too strong in the opposite direction. My not very good blog - diary of a chronic relapser - is accurately named...as long as you consider getting 1 or 2 days clean and then using is considered a relapse.

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  7. bugerlugs639 November 2011 at 15:17

    Susie
    Hi, I did look to see if there was a link to your blog but the only link was a picassa web thing? and it wouldn't let me open it anyway?? strange. I will try searching by name for it.

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  8. bugerlugs639 November 2011 at 15:19

    Susie . . . Ok got it this time. will go and have a read in a minute.

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