Sunday, 6 November 2011

A fluffy dressing gown fantasy

Ok, I seem to be back on track again. Not 100% recovered but a month has gone by and I haven't made much progress. I need to give this some thought. What do I want to change? Really want to change. I suppose I could have a little fantasy . . .  I could fast forward to my 50th birthday or thereabouts. Skip the 16 months in between and all the hard work  (if I'm gonna skip it, I might as well have worked hard) . . . Just to wake up one fine morning mid-January 2013 and what?
So I wake up in a bed for a start. I don't think there's anything wrong with a mattress on the floor but I'm starting to get middle-age aches in my joints, I think a comfortable bed might help. Alone in a bed. My daughter will sleep in her own bed and room by then, which I will have finished decorating. That way I will get a good nights sleep. I wont reach out for the baccy to roll a ciggy because I will have quit smoking by then. I will walk over to open the window and take a few (ever increasing) lungs full of sharp clean winter air. Mmmmm. I'll put on one of those full length soft dressing gowns (size 10 because I will have lost the weight that I want to loose) with a hood and equally soft slippers. Every winter I intend to get these. Every winter I use an old fleece with trackie bottoms and no slippers. I will go to the bathroom and brush my teeth . . . teeth that will be fixed by then. Having brushed them I will bare them in the mirror to check them. Baring them will be bearable again. I'm glad I'm skipping the 15 months in between as I've already lost weight, quit smoking, decorated, faced the dentist phobia, and I haven't even gone downstairs yet . . .  I hardly recognise myself :-). I will choose some clothes to wear. I wont ever own a walk in wardrobe with 50 pairs of shoes cus that just aint "me" but to choose from at least three pairs of jeans, maybe six or seven quality winter jumpers and 3 (?) pairs of boots would be luxury . . . I'm not talking a lottery win here, just an adequate amount of clothing. Like my kids have. I emphasized choose as I don't choose at the minute. There is no choice. Lets just make one thing clear . . . I'm not feeling sorry for myself. My choice has been to spend my clothes money on gear. I  have kept some size 10 clothes but since I've been a size 12 I don't want to buy clothes. I will wait. I wont give into a size twelve. Having fed the kids and got them off to school/work I'll do the usual chores, nothing different there except I will move faster, breath better and ache less. I'll dedicate some of my day to creativity . . . drawing, clay modelling, decorating or similar stuff that I used to enjoy, and some time to music. I'll get back to playing the piano. I still have my piano. I'll work out 3 or 4 times a week at home. I've done this before so I have weights, bench and a routine I could will get back into. There is a small friendly gym about 60 metres from the house. I might feel "normal"  enough to use it by then. Ok, maybe not. That's far-fetched beyond fantasy . . .  Most importantly I won't need to start texting/phoning around at four O' clock to make sure I've got what I want for the evening. I won't sit clock watching, counting down the hours from mid afternoon until "gear-time". I won't get impatient and irritable when I'm messed about by some-one who don't give a fuck (dealer). The highlight of my day will not depend on some arsehole being bothered to answer the phone or call round. The highlight of my day won't be ruined and turned to misery by some selfish arse selling crap because he's bought crap, instead of cutting his losses, which he could certainly afford to do. And so on. And on. Fantasy. It's not impossible but that is only one side of it. The good side. That's why it's a fantasy. I'll go further into this tomorrow. I'm falling asleep. Pretty boring fantasy really.


  1. Its not boring at all! Its beautiful life filled with your kids and nature and nice textures and aromas...the aromas of a mama loving her kids and HERSELF. It can be reality. YOUR reality. Slowly but surely.

    Thank you for your comment this morning. I am sorry your mom doesn't appreciate the girl she has in you. So sad for the both of you. Such a loss. ((HUG))

  2. I like what you're doing....just daydreaming your future is a step in the right direction.I think i will take a leaf out of your book and try and imagine my happier future(v similiar and gear) and a certain useless relationship that needs to be ended.. Keep dreaming <3 xxx

  3. Annette, Thanks for the encouragement. You are right . . . Slowly but surely. This is where it starts. x

    Annie, Yeah it all helps towards deciding where the changes need to be made. Daydreaming it is the easy bit . . . but I gotta start somewhere. Please help yourself to a leaf thats great ;-) How are we gonna do this dentist thing? x
    I just had to delete a few hundred W's Q's & S's . . . think I need to sleep.

  4. Don't you wish you could just fast-forward to when it's all different, like you could enter into a machine the different choices you want to make, step inside and zoom to then, past the difficulty, when your new desired life has actually just become routine?

    Sometimes "boring" is what a person needs, after too many years of such drama, it'll be nice to relax.

    Size 10 UK is size 8 US, right? Last dramatic weight loss, stupidly threw out bigger clothes. But since gaining weight, have held on to the smaller ones, because it's highly likely that at some point eye will be smaller again. And when that day comes, will NOT make the same mistake of throwing out the bigger sizes, again, will not give into the delusion that big will never happen again. Eye also avoid clothes shopping, not just for the money reason, but not wanting to admit how big eye truly am. Eye now have clothes in a range of sizes 0-16, some too big, many too small. Am happy it's winter solely for the reason that it expends the ol wardrobe. No more having to wear the same 6 outfits over and over, til it's warm again.

    Yes, watching the clock is at times unbearable, sometimes it's hard not to wait. Attempt to distract self. Once again too many days in a row of extra, and yesterday was Day 1 of reducing again. Today eye have it easy - classes most of the day. Tomorrow, hm? Eye now have a big paper on top of everything in the drawer (paraphernalia) and safe (drugs & money) that says, "If you want extra it means that your mind is too blank. Go study, instead. School is your job!" Hope it works for me.

    Stopping smoking - not for me, yet. Started at 20 and have many more years of enjoyment to go! Or maybe eye shouldn't or should at least cut down. Sometimes at night, in the quiet of the bedroom, breathing sounds like wheezing. Not too good. Luabelle is sensitive to the smoke, she sometimes snores or makes weird sounds, too - distracting enough to keep me awake. Really need to watch the smoking around her, which is hard when she wants to constantly be near. Gym is such a pretty idea, and the dentist quite a scary one.

  5. Eyelick. Yeah I would love to ffwd . . . vut its not gonna happen is it? This is the first time (apart from pregnancies) that ive put on weight . . . I hate it. I look at my too small clothes and could weep :-( I need a plan! I love the note "to self" that you have in the drawer . . . I hope it works for you too. You are what my previous drug worker would call a professional user (like me), in that you have it allocated per day, then juggle it a bit if you do extra. I told her this was necessity not professionalism. I think they are just accustomed to users who score, use it all with no thought of what next, then start again. I suppose its because we have to function, you school, me kids, that we are so "professional" .
    Yes me too, at 30 I wasn't remotely thinking of giving anything up!! Enjoy it all. I'm sure you do ;-) x

  6. There have been times of scoring daily, but that was more of an income situation, usage not really different with large amounts of money. Maybe it happened at the beginning, but that's about it. Most ever done in a day was around 10 bags, mostly in separate shots, never did that again! it was wasteful, once you get past a certain number of times or to a certain amount, doing more isn't doing to do more to you. It's kind of opposite psychedelics that way, a nasty little lesson eye first started learning 1st injection that led to the hospital. Eye was like, "Ok cool so it does this, what happens next?" Um, you die. Now it's more like, just fall asleep and/or waste. But yeah, maybe "they" are used to the day-by-day more "extreme" users, probably because those are the ones who run into problems faster, so are the ones more likely to get help or be sort of forced into it. And it's easier to get that way if they have no responsibilities at all, no reason to care, so they don't.

    29, but close enough :D

    So so jealous you still have a piano, but eye wonder if eye had one, would eye even make use of it very often, anyway?