Saturday, 19 November 2011

Numbing down to a niggle

Things that have niggled me this week to the extent that they are still bothering me on a Saturday evening. When nothing else is bothering me. Children are asleep, at Dads and with mates.
Firstly my family's total lack of concern, sympathy, understanding, belief (?) over my sudden hair loss. Ok, I know, it's hardly life threatening, painful, life changing even, but it's upsetting and worrying. Not because I think it is a symptom of any underlying condition . . . simply because I don't want to lose my hair, or even half of it. Well half has gone. That is fact. I know how it was. I know how it is. I need say no more. The Dr has booked me in for a thyroid function test and a hormone level test. The helpful comments from my family so far have been  . . .
"Are you sure?" . . .  "AM  I  SURE?" . . . Erm . . let me think . .  just in case I'm mistaken . . . No. I'm pretty sure. As sure as one can be. Yes I'm sure.
"It's still long!" . . . Awesome! Ten strands down to me arse will do fine thankyou.
"You can't tell" . . . I can tell. And if it continues, soon you will be able to tell. I can't tell that Mr K has prostate cancer but that don't make it ok.
"Well you don't literally mean half " . . . ??? No I mean about an eighth!? WTF?!?
Ok. Enough examples on that one. Its exasperating just thinking about it. What it is with them? Or is it me? Sometimes I seriously wonder.
Ok. There are a few more petty things such as, my Mother being purposefully unresponsive to my dentist news and disgusted by the mention of false teeth ( I'm 78 and I've still got my own teeth. Yes Mother only because I hold my temper, or they would be down your . . . (joke) )  after having made me feel bad so often about the state of my teeth  . . . I made it clear I was upset. Knowing she had gone too far, In a rare fit of generosity to try and fix it all, she told me she had found (found being the operative word) Two super king-size quilt covers that I could have. One was a brand new, never used, never likely to be used, dark red Monsoon quilt cover that she had no doubt bought on a whim. She said I would love it. I thought I would too. The other one was a bit old, faded plain cotton but would do for my bottom quilt (as I use one underneath and one on top). Lovely I said. Yes please. Thanks. A couple of days later, feeling safe that our relationship based on her saying exactly how she feels and me biting my tongue was, if not quite back on track, at least on its way, she arrives with the old faded one. Being able to read her with my eyes shut I said. "O aren't I getting the Monsoon one now? . . . "I can't find it" she said. No you can't look at me and say that either.
There is more but I know all of these things individually are so petty they are not worth bothering about. It just speaks volumes to me about the way my family feel about me. I know when I stop the gear there are matters I will have to deal with. It will not be so easy to constantly sweep crap under the carpet. Without a painkiller/number I will feel the pain, anger, resentment, lack of love of a lot more and I will have to say something. This is what I've been dreading and avoiding for 35 years.
Shit. This post started out as a light hearted list of stuff that had pissed me off a bit this week. I soon realised most of it was from the same source.
Apart from Ant and Dec!!  hosting "I was almost a celebrity a long time ago and would like another chance . . . Get me out of here." How did that pair of buffoons become so popular?


  1. Oh Baby. I feel your pain. My email is if you ever want a private word. My mother is hyper critical as well. And she is 90 and still has her own teeth. blah blah blah

    We just celebrated her birthday and had a bunch back to my house where my brother and his wife and then everyone else began criticizing marijuana - ignoring alcohol because they were drinking it. My niece has just been diagnosed with a form of epilepsy which my SIL is making into a life threatening ailment - and is blaming it on weed. I'm thinking my niece has tried a few other things besides weed.
    I'm not saying weed is without its drawbacks but please. As a proponent of alcohol, I think weed has a lesser impact/proportionate use.
    One niece was saying that weed isn't just weed any more because it's laced with meth for example. But that still doesn't make plain weed worse. It makes growing your own more enticing.

    And then I said: We all just want to feel good.

    No one can argue with that.

    It's just much harder for some of us than others. I think you understand. Completely.

    Love you.

  2. Jeannie, That made me cry (being first thing in the morning pre-numbing agents) Thankyou for yourlove and understanding. It means a lot to me. I think you are spot on, we all just want to feel good. It is that simple. When I get to the "right time" I'm gonna write on what has happened with this "family". I'm gonna stop worrying that my Mum will find this blog. I'm only speaking the truth. The trouble is the older she gets, the less chance I know there is of me ever facing stuff with her and saying how I feel. Age protects her. My brother's suicide protects her. Her husband protects her , "We don't want any upset now do we?" (whistle, whistle, why do men do that?)No.I dont remember wanting a whole load of upset when I was 12. But I don't remember having much choice.
    I remember choosing randomly one of your old posts . . . It was about your mother and you almost foaming at the mouth. It rang an awful lot of bells. It was also very funny.
    Thanks again Jeannie. You are lovely x

  3. You are not alone with the passive-aggressive mother (a typical example with the quilt!). My mother does that a lot, telling me by her actions "I'm not responsible enough, I'm not mature enough to get the "quilt". It's hard, because she pushes my buttons like no one else, but I just agree with whatever she says. It's hard not to argue and say "you're crazy. that's not how it happened" but for my sanity I just do. Of course, it helps she lives across the country from me, I only have to deal with her by phone.

  4. Lou.
    It is hard not to argue. I'm beginning to feel its unhealthy and that she takes advantage of me never biting back. It's so damn one-sided. I have asked my boys to tell me if they ever feel that way about me. If they ever find themselves biting their tongues, or hurt by my comments, that they please tell me (I've got a feeling they would!.
    My Mum and her husband lived in Cyprus from the time my younger Brother and I got on the gear to the time he got clean, born again and married. Then I think she planned to make it all up by being the perfect Grandma to his kids and moved back here. Unfortunately there have been no Grandchildren. Only my kids who she walked away from when my habit began.
    There is so much unspoken resentment and hurt that I'm not sure it could ever be righted.
    All I know is when I get clean I will feel it all the more. I'm considering going to a local NA meeting this week. I'm sure all this stuff must be included in the 12 steps.Hope things are good with you.

  5. Hi ,sounds like you been hurt deeply by your mum and like you say,she can hide behind her age.I was lucky(in a way..) my mum spent some of my childhood being an alcoholic ,so when she got clean and me and my sis went down the road of addiction,she walked with us and accepted her part in it hypocrisy there,and i love her for that.Sadly she died in a car crash,but left lovely memories.I think that passive\aggressive stuff(wot me,i'm not the problem,you are..!)is so damaging.I'm so sorry she is so hard on you and her grand kids.And as for the hair loss,i did go thru that after the birth of my first child,every hair i found on the bedding made my heart sink,but it did grow back.I hope your doc does his job.Much love xxxxxx

  6. My hair started falling out in childhood due to stress. But it all regrew, otherwise I'd look like Prince William.

    8 years old with a bald spot!!

  7. Annie,
    Yes I spose by both parents really, but since having my own kids, I know that whatever the Dad/s does/do, The Mum sticks by the kids. Maybe that's unfair but that's how I feel. Really they were both just as lost in thier own way. I feel that my mum thinks she faced all the consequences of leaving us when My brother killed himself and can't face (mustn't be expected to face any more). I my mind that was just one consequence. And the others have to be swept under the carpet. We all know that doesn't work.
    That must be hard losing your Mum like that Annie.
    Blood tests wednesday re hair loss so hopefully they will come up with something . . . Something fixable! Will msg you in a bit. Love n hugs to you n yours x x x

  8. Gledwood,
    Where's the hamster? My "Gledwood" has four more pups. When she had the first litter a few weeks back, I realised he was a she and removed Reggie (the Dad) but it appears I was a bit late. He must have got her pregnant within 4 days of her giving birth. luckily Geekster has a friend who wants a couple. Good to hear you sounding motivated and clearing out some rubbish. Hope you get back on-line soon. With love x

  9. Yeah, right - like you wouldn't know what's happening to your own hair!

    Sorry your mom seems so... uncaring when it comes to you. Moms always seem to know the nastiest things to say, as well. (Though for me, it's more m'eye sister - she says things that can actually HURT me - which no one else can do, mom can be offensive but not really hurtful.)

    For sure, without drugs it will be harder to face your family and remain tactful, heroin does have a way of making one more compliant. But maybe they need to hear some of those things anyway. The most annoying thing to me regarding quitting, is it seems that it doesn't matter if you've stopped, or how long it's been, or if you never do it again, pretty much every family looks at the user a certain way forever just because you HAVE used, like they look down on the person and he/she isn't trusted, and any time the person isn't doing something "right," drugs are the first things to blame, not depression, bad circumstances, nor anything else. That would be the hardest part, and eye hope that it's different for you.

  10. Eyelick,
    I know-it's crazy innit? They seem to think this small amount of gear I do - renders me a complete and utter imbecile! They are always amazed if I do something so simple like on-line shopping or something that any fucking fool could do. I can ony imagine it's the gear that makes them underestimate me so. Fools.
    Yeah H defo takes the sting out of hurtful comments.
    But for me its kinda the opposite when I quit. In that I'm suddenly trusted, respected and included more into family matters. Which is just as annoying in its own way because I'm still the same person. I feel I should have that respect, trust etc. now despite the fact that I'm using. After all its only beause I'm totally honest that they know I'm using. There is no way they could tell otherwise. It doesn't touch their lives at all and I make sure of that. Bledy families eh? Seems we all have the same type of difficulties. It must be hard when they continue to see you as a user once you've quit. That's almost enough to make you carry on! I've only just seen your reply on previous post. That's bad about Angel, He must be in some pain :-( Does he walk ok? And what a strange system where your allowance depends on how much tax you've paid. Doesn't seem fair really. I was gonna do a post but I keep nodding off . . . been a well busy day. Take care x