Saturday 10 March 2012

Progress report . . .

Well there's not much I don't know about dentures now. I've studied over-dentures, partial dentures, permanent (fixed dentures), dental implants, bone resorption, Wolff's law etc etc . . . I won't pass on what I've learnt in the last few evenings as I don't expect anyone to share this obsession interest.

Suffice to say I'm off to get a second, third, maybe fourth opinion . . . also to get a price to have the work done privately . . . Yes, I know, I'm expecting it to be in the £5000 region . . . But where there is a will there's a way. I managed to find £5000 every year (minimum) for the past twelve years to fund my habit so I would willingly spend that amount on my teeth.
I have been watching You Tube clips of Harley Street dental technicians crafting realistic prosthetics that look, feel and sound like teeth. Each tooth is lovingly sculpted separately then fixed onto the denture base . . . Beautiful . . . It's a true work of art. Ahhh one can dream. Ok no more teeth talk . . . For now. I'm quite convinced something good will happen and you'll be the first to know.

I've done a few more hours gardening and bought some grass seed to re-seed some bald patches. Slowly but surely it will be transformed.

Hey . . .  I've just noticed the date . . .  The ninth.  Well I can't just ignore that can I?
That's a whole month off  Heroin, I would say clean but I know some folk don't consider even a small methadone script "clean" . . . Who cares? . . . I don't much like the implication of a user being "dirty" anyway so lets just say I've had a month free from heroin addiction and it's been wonderful . . . Free being the operative word.

Sometimes, usually as I'm cooking dinner at about 6pm, I get a fleeting anxious moment . . .  A strange mixture of dread and excitement and I wonder what it is. It's a habit. A month ago it would've prompted a string of mostly unanswered texts until 8pm . . . if I was lucky, nine or ten if not, and a whole load more anxiety, panic, exasperation and general jumpiness until I finally got a bag of mostly post-drought quality Heroin . . . to smoke . . . and fall asleep . . . Every night!? Was I nuts?

I can hardly believe it.

Now, that moment is immediately followed by a relief, a lightness, almost a floaty feeling as it quickly sinks in that I don't need to act on it. It's gone as fast as it came. Click. Gone. And as much as I'm thankful that it disappeared so fast, I'm also thankful that it happened . . . to remind me, even if only for a split second and to make me more aware of the moment that follows . . . To heighten the sense of release . . . The feeling of freedom. 

I still eat my dinner, get hamper G to bed, go on-line for a while  . . . and fall asleep . . .  In peace . . . Not worrying about money, chances of scoring, quality of gear or possible impending drought . . . Just that bledy denture :-)

O well, I've spent way too much time looking at this screen today so I'm off to bed. Shit I just woke up . . . I still manage to fall asleep face down on the laptop, dribbling,  and I could've sworn that was the drugs.

28 comments:

  1. I am SO proud of youuuu!!! You're so strong, I know you can handle and tests and challenges that come your way!!! And get drawing, use that incredible gift of yours!!! <3 xxxx

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    1. H bear, Thanks!!
      Yeah I hope I get some time to draw once Hamper G is in school (before the powers that be send me off to work) . . . I've a sneaky feeling there is a vibe in your writing that I recognise? . . Hey if I'm wrong just ignore me ;-) . . . If I'm right, Huge hugs and loasda love x

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  2. Truly wonderful. You are going sooooo well. And I will want pictures of the garden as it progresses. And more of your amazing art and writing. I don't want a lot do I?
    Congratulations. Loud ones with bells, sparklers and the best fireworks. And chocolate.

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    1. O for sure there'll be pictures of any progress in any area.
      I'm working on the next "episode" and I'll post some art later today . . . That's easy, I have a great pile of it!
      Thanks for the wonderful congrats . . . especially the chocolate and thanks, as always, for being here . . . and there.

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  3. It sounds a bit like a state of grace.....your awareness of your thought process and then detachment <3 ,am so happy for you..well done you.Will catch up more fully soon,much love xxxxxxx

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    1. WoW I like the sound of that :-)
      I'm not feeling too graceful this morning. Bit of a head cold on it's way I think . . . And twenty something (?) hamsters to clean out . . Plus Stropster's fry up to do . . . I need a day off. Catch up later, love to you and yours x x x x

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  4. I haven't visited in awhile, and here is what I see..you can write beautifully when you off the shit. You should keep blogging, your writing will evolve over time. I have seen that happen with others (alright, there are some who should quit writing..LOL). Loved your last post.

    I'm following you, grrl;) Don't let me (or more importantly yourself!) down.

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    1. Hi Lou,
      Nice to "see" you here. Yep I intend to keep blogging hopefully way beyond the big Five-O.
      I can't imagine letting myself (or anyone else) down but I'm also wary of complacency, I know how that stuff lurks and can creep back in at the slightest opportunity.
      I thank God every day for this amazing change. I never imagined it happening this way. Truly blessed :-)
      Thanks for reading and commenting Lou.

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  5. Your blog has quickly become one of my favorites. I want more, more, more! I agree with the above comment about you being in a state of grace. Reading the story of your journey is so inspiring and I always experience an uplifting sense of hopefulness when I visit you here. I know you never expected to inspire people but you ARE doing that and I think it's really amazing. That Donovan song you shared in your Silverhip post is one of my absolute faves! My dad loved Donovan and sang Jennifer Juniper to me all the time when I was young. That's a happy memory. Catch the Wind and Colours are really such beautful songs. I'm going to have to pull out my old Donovan albums today. Gardening is so enjoyable. There's nothing like the feeling of working in communion with mother nature to create something beautiful. I really miss the garden I had back home and I hope to start another sometime soon.


    I hope you will share photos of your garden and your art. I would love to see them. I'd love to see those hampsters too! WOW - you have a lot! ;D

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    1. Hi JJ,
      That is so true, I never expected to inspire anyone and reading that means a lot to me. I love Donovan and have got quite a few of his original albums . . . they weigh a tonne. I might get one on a minute on this sunny Sunday morning. I'm definitely out into the garden . . . Right now.
      I need to get a camera as the only digital one we have is on my son's phone and he's always out. Hamper G's birthday tomorrow but after that any spare money is mine . . . for a camera. (and teeth) x

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  6. Lovey, that month has passed so quickly (at least for me); I'm so happy and so proud of you. You've accomplished so much in that month already. You'll have those dentures in before you know it. I think it may be time for us to start thinking about seeding or sodding too. Spring is just around the corner W00t!!

    xoxoxo

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    1. Yes it has gone quickly here too. I can't believe it's a month. Hamper G is 5 tomorrow . . . That's gone way too fast too.
      Beautiful warm sun here today . . . hours of pottering, nothing too strenuous :-)

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  7. Well Done Bugerlugs,
    I think that YOU & your garden are going to GROW !
    Catch ya later.....xKarl

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    1. Thanks Karl, Yes deffo a year for growth. I hope you're doing well too. Cheers Bugerlugs x

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  8. Good for you! The month does seem to have gone fast. I am so pleased for you that the process hasn't been agonizing for you. Have the kids noticed a difference?

    I bought grass seed but can't do any gardening yet - the ground is still frozen.

    As for dentures, I don't really know anything about them but I am rather curious. There's no way I could afford implants - I'm having a hard time justifying crowns that I really need. So I won't have to get dentures or implants.

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    1. Hi Jeannie.
      If methadone is used then gradually weaned there is no reason for physical discomfort . . . There would still usually be psychological withdrawals and cravings to deal with but by some miracle I got away with those.
      The kids haven't noticed much change in the day to day running of "life" as I did make an effort to keep it out of their lives but I am more energetic, happier in the mornings and they say I laugh more.
      I think implants etc are more maybe cheaper over here. There are so many different ways of having implants/dentures/both . . . I never knew there were so many options. I'm gonna take my time over this and get a few opinions. Having those remaining 7 top teeth out is very final and too late once they're gone.
      I've just asked Stropster (16) re; the change since I stopped the gear; He says I have more "ups" but also more "downs", as in, if I get cross I get crosser than I used to! This would make sense as gear keeps one evened out and somewhat numb, so I'm more emotional/less stable and with the extra laughs . . . come the extra shouts ;-). I possibly took things more "in my stride" with the gear . . . Couldn't be bothered to get angry over another wet towel thrown on the floor for me to pick up.
      I think they might not be too keen on the extra discipline but it'll be worth it for them and I just feel so much better physically and mentally.

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  9. A month...wow. Bless your brave heart! Yes, I would love to see photos of your garden and art too! I am so happy for you.

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    1. Hey Annette . . . YAY! A month:-)
      I'm gonna make an effort to post a picture tomorrow . . It was so sunny today, I got carried away on the garden. Thinking ponds and pebble pools and . . . and . .
      Endless possibilities

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  10. A month! Good for YOU!!!!! Keep doing what you're doing one day at a time. Its not easy for sure - but look at you! You're doing it!

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    1. Thanks Barbara. It still feels surreal.
      More so when I look back, even on this blog, when I was offered a detox . . . It's like looking back at someone else. I hope I never stop appreciating how good it is. If I do . . . Feel free to remind me.

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    2. Well, it's not just getting me put a general comment, so had to sneak one in here somewhere. YAY! You're doing so well! Eye just saw this post when eye started reading people's blogs again... Wednesday eye think. Yeah, that is kind of funny that it looks like you're not even going to need that detox anymore. Strange how a person's mindset can change so quickly.. methamphetamine was like that for me, seriously went from constantly craving it unless "high enough" to just not wanting it, literally overnight. Did it a few more times when in the mood, then there were no more "moods" and was just more & more disgusted by it. But eye think it's really cool that you've stopped, eye know you've been wanting this for a long time. And it seems like a mix of choice, circumstance, and maybe a little "magic" has made it happen for you. Congratulations!

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  11. It's been inspiring reading about your journey, thanks so much for sharing with the world. Congrats on your achievements over this month, and I am looking forward to still being inspired after a year.
    Kiwigirl

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    1. Thanks Kiwigirl. . . Wow I can't imagine what could happen in a year, after this month . . . I'm looking forward to it too.

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  12. Well done on the month - isn't that super?

    And now I know where to come for any Dentistry advice in future :-)

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    1. Tis super Dooper ;-)
      I'm getting a tad obsessed on the ole dentistry. Trouble is when you look on-line there is just no limit . . . But! They all agree on one thing, If a denture is needed it is ALWAYS best to leave any remaining healthy roots in tact and sever the tooth, obviously the roots need to be "root canal treated" which is fine, two of them already are . . . so only another 5! but I would rather go through that, as leaving the roots in the gum prevents the jaw bone from receding or bone resorption ie, stops your face sinking in.
      I'm hoping, with my new healthy life style, to be wearing these dentures for at least 20 years so I want them to "work" for me.
      There's even a possibilty of keeping the six and a half teeth that I have and having a partial denture . . . You're gonna wish you hadn't mentioned dentistry in a minute ;-) . . . ok I'll stop but I will keep you up-dated . . . Promise. x

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    2. Personally I think that an addict finding new obessions once off their drug of choice is no bad thing... providing there is balance of course... but at least hours trawling denture-r-us.co.uk isn't going to kill you or make you feel crap... :-)

      You may note that I have developed (well to be fair it was always there) a slight obsession with all things guitar related. If I am sat at the computer in the other room and she hears "Oh just look at that" She isn't concerned it'll be some porn site - she knows it'll be a guitar - sometimes though she does worry that it isn't a porn site, she might be able to understand that better :-)

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  13. Buger, you are doing well. I am glad for you. Your dentistry travails are something that will evolve into another passion. Having those things that we are passionate about in life makes living worthwhile.

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  14. Oh & that falling asleep randomly thing - it's going to happen out of exhaustion, it's happened to me a long time. Totally not always drugs.

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