Friday, 25 May 2012

Buckets of sweat, buckets of tears . . .

I saw my drugs worker this afernoon and I'm beginning to trust her. I realised today that she's genuinely willing and possibly able to help me. This a first for me with a drugs worker. Usually they prescribe your meds, do urine tests and threaten to stop your script if you can't produce a clean sample. Yeah, that's helpful. I've only had this new worker for a few months and she actually wants to uncover the reasons for this behaviour. She wants to help me.
My half an hour appointment ran into an hour with buckets of tears; another first for me, in front of anyone other than a partner. We proper dragged some stuff out from under that rug and examined it closely.
At the end of the hour, as I was leaving, she said "I'll come out for a fag with you, I think I need one after that . . . I do care you know". . . and would you believe it, she had tears in her eyes. We talked some more outside. The first thing she suggested I do, other than stay clean for today, is to write a letter to my Dad, no matter whether I send it or not. It would possibly be easier to write if I imagine I'm not going to send it. But I will take her advice, for sure, and write the letter.

Other good news came half way through our prison visit on Monday. The guard stopped at our table and said "Come on then, off we go, you've got twenty minutes" I looked at LQ (Hamper G's dad) with some concern . . .??
"C'mon he said, go get my crutches from the desk"
We were then escorted out into a courtyard, where the sun was just breaking through the clouds. There was a park . . . O wow, with a slide and climbing frame and a few other play areas.
I'd read about this park on the prison website, but knowing that a prisoner has to be on "enhanced" to receive such privileges  . . . and knowing LQ has been on "basic" (ie no privileges) for two years, this would mean two promotions; once to "standard", then to "enhanced". I thought there was no chance of this ever happening. I never mentioned the park to Hamper G.
I didn't cry at the time, but fuck, I've cried since. I've cried a lot today. I can't believe he would ever tow the line to such an extent to get twenty minutes on the park with his daughter. He must have been so excited and yet he didn't even mention it. He is not one for towing any kind of line, especially where screws are concerned. But he did, what a week.

Hamper G stayed at school for lunch today. I picked her up at 1.15pm rather than 12.00pm. One of the teachers/helpers said that Hamper is secretly beginning to enjoy being there. She has the impression that Hamper G is weighing up every person and situation in her own time, then gradually, and only when she feels safe, she is joining in. That sounds about right, I was reassured just to know that this helper had taken the time to think about how Hamper's mind was working. Good. There were only a couple of tears this morning, a major improvement. A much better start to the day.

The sun has shone relentlessly since the visit to the prison park. It is so so hot. I've not yet got back into the swing of my workout and weights as I'm still getting used to walking four or five miles a day. I've stuck to my healthy eating plan though, I'll weigh in tomorrow  . . . I must have lost two kilos in sweat alone, and then all those tears. I'll try and make myself do some skipping, weights and work out tomorrow. I was feeling the benefit from it . . . and I will again.

So all in all, I reckon I have much to be grateful for here. The main thing being that I got through today clean. I'm sure this all sounds a bit familiar and possibly rather boring . . . but to me it's quite exciting. With each slip I learn something new. With each new thing I learn, my hope is renewed, my outlook brightened. I'm sure I can find less dangerous ways of learning, but a lot was revealed from this latest relapse.

Well, it's almost midnight and I have another full and busy day tomorrow. Six hours of hamster  house cleaning for starters.
I'm thankful you good folk are still reading here, still encouraging me and supporting me. I really am, I hope you know that.

Goodnight, sleep well x


  1. It is NEVER boring to hear that you had a day free from drugs. It's exciting!

    Six hours cleaning hamster houses? What's up with that?

    Just 24 hours at a time...that's all you have to do. And you will. I know you will.

    1. Sherry,
      It's 7.15am (my pre-kids quiet time) and these comments here have me in tears already . . . I've heard somewhere that tears are prayers, that's good then.
      I must get some photos of these hamsters, I think there are 21, I'll re-count today . . . there are nine "houses"
      I hope you found your peaceful time to connect, I didn't get time to comment when I was reading, but I do know what you mean. I often get so wrapped up in the day to day stuff and forget to prioritse that stillness. Thanks for the reminder.
      Right, time to wake the kids . . . I will try my hardest to do what I did yesterday, and get through today clean. Just today. Thanks Sherry x

  2. Sounds like you have a lot going on. Glad you got a worker you can trust and who genuinely cares. That's huge. I have issues with my dad and my best friend suggested composing a letter. I haven't done it yet but I plan to. Don't know if I'll send it or if writing it will help but worth a shot. Hope it helps you.

    That helper really noticing Hamper G and paying attention is beyond wonderful. Sounds like you're both sizing things up and learning a bunch. Lots to be hopeful for.

    Always love reading your thoughts. The camping looked like such fun. You rocked that hand knit jumper better than I ever could. :) xoxo

    1. Hi JJ, I think I must'v missed some of your posts (unless you're having a break) I'll come and look later.
      Yes, I think it has to be worth a try, this letter thing . . . Nothing to lose really. It is great to have a worker that cares, I'm positive it will make a big difference
      O I just love camping . . . I actually could live a very basic nomadic life. Occasionally, pre-kids, I did. Maybe when I have an empty nest, I will again . . . and knit my own clothes from hemp ;-)
      Hope all's good with you and your family JJ x

  3. Oh bless your heart! What a huge day...and your feeling and thinking and processing. That takes a lot of energy. Your weights will be there when you are ready. And hampers dad cares. What a beautiful way that he showed his girl. Probably one of the few ways available to him to be able reach out and be with her.

    1. Hi Annette,
      It's turning into a great week, lots of tears but lots of progress. Hamper G skipped to school just now . . . O what a difference that made. No tears, all smiles.
      Yes, he cares . . . I can see that it's hard for him as he is not used to feeling stuff either.
      Here begins another day Clean. Each one leads to another and another x

  4. Shout it from the rooftops every day that you stay clean! It's huge! A major accomplishment!!!! Way to go, for another day!!!
    Shelley in SK

    1. Shelley,
      Thanks for your encouragement. It does feel huge after a relapse and saying NO for the first day is the hardest, I'm now strengthened by yesterday and looking forward to my second day Clean. Thanks for being here x

  5. Sounds great, I love the sound of that drugs worker. Great that they're really connecting and feeling and wanting to help PROPERLY. Fantastic. You are so worth more than those nasty drugs but they trick us .. they trick us into thinking they make life better. I stood with a huge bag of weed in my hands today and took a big sniff .. haven't touched it since I gave up booze and today I realised I"m too scared to. For now for me sober means sober in every day. You take good care I'm sending you lots of love from New Zealand xxx

    1. Hi Mrs D,
      Yes it is just what I need at the moment, she can see how close I am to getting this right and really does want to help.
      I'm pleased you're too scared to smoke the spliff, many people believe weed is harmless . . . It's just another way of changing reality. Tricks and lies.
      I'm gonna have another "real" day today, and I know you are. Thanks for being here and love sent to you too x

  6. Never boring. We are so excited for you and with you. I am not surprised this has been a week of tears. I find it much easier to not cry when things are tough. Let someone be nice to me though, and the floods start. Irrational, but human.
    Sometimes taking each day at a time is too much. On those days, work from hour to hour. And know that we are with you. Good days or bad days, we are here.

    1. Hi The E'sC . . . I've just sat down, exactly 12 hours since the last time. Exhausted, but good.
      Yes, I've often said "just until lunch time" then until T time etc. Well, I'll be in bed in an hour at this rate so another good clean day almost over with.
      It is so hot here.
      Thanks for being here with me, whatever the "weather" ;-)

  7. Agreeing with everyone else - so glad your drug worker is really there for you - I would imagine they must often end up fairly jaded which is just so bad for everyone - still, they are human too.

    Prison visits must be very difficult. It's fantastic that Hamper G's dad was willing and able to bend to the rules for his daughter - that's a pretty big deal for someone who colours outside the lines. How much longer has he got?

    Your story is anything but boring - it's like you are blossoming right before us.

    1. Jeannie,
      Yes, I can see why a lot of drugs workers would get fed up of hearing the same old, same old stories and lies.
      This is the first time I've had a worker that truly cares, the timing is perfect . . . She wants me to do this as much as I do and will go the extra mile.
      LQ didn't manage to bend the rules, no they wouldn't allow that . . . he actually behaved himself in order to be promoted to standard, then enhanced. Proper behaved himself . . . I know, I'm still shocked. He's out next february.
      I'm glad you're still here on this journey with me. Thanks x

  8. every day is a blessing isn't it. I've just written a gratitude list for today and top was "Haven't wanted to have a drink" :-)

    It is flipping hot here in town today - doesn't help working in a university setting... there are too many young ladies with too little on walking about today for me to concentrate! :-)

    Write the letter - I wrote one to my Dad (he'd been dead 20 years) it really helped me. I wrote one to my brother - we were all by totally estranged by the end of my drinking. I never sent it - didn't need to me made up in due course. I was best man at his second wedding having not even been invited to his first one!

    1. Furtheron,
      Yeah it's good to remind ourselves of our many blessings.
      I felt sorry for the male teachers at Geekster's school today . . . it was "wear what you want day" . . . more like "wear as little as you want" for some of the "girls" I saw walking there this morning. They are 13-15 and looked more like 18 yr olds "off clubbing".
      Yes, I'm definitely going to write the letter when the mood is right.
      Have a good weekend x

  9. The suggestion about a gratitude list is excellent. I do one yourself a little journal, and every day, first thing, write 5 things you are grateful for. (I know..another thing to do..:) It sets the tone for the whole day. It really works!

    Loved what you said about learning from every slip up. I've seen that process, and I know it works. SoberMom said-- it's 24 hours at a time. That adds up (eventually) to the rest of your life.

    Blessings to all you and your family.

    1. Hi Lou,
      I will do that, it sounds like a good idea.
      Yeah that was the one positive thing about the relapse . . . I learnt a little more.
      It's 8pm and I'm so hot and tired so I reckon we can safely say that's another day Clean ;-)
      I've somehow lost the link to your new "blog", I went there once, but didn't find anywhere to "follow" and I've not been notified of any up-dates. I'm not sure how to get back there? I would appreciate directions, thanks. And thanks for being here x

  10. I am so glad I found this in my blogroll, I'm a bit behind today. I am so happy for you and for Hamper G! What a wonderful time for Hamper G to spend at the park with Dad instead of inside. The sun shining down upon them. Just fantastic.

    Your drug worker sounds like someone who is investing herself in you, that is a great thing to have. I'm so grateful that has come into your life right now, exactly what you needed. Great job!

    1. Hi Lovey,
      Good to see you here. Yes, it was the best prison visit I've ever made . . . there have been a few.
      It's perfect timing that I get a drug worker prepared to put in as much effort as me, well, relatively speaking that is ;-)
      I'm on to my garden today . . . I've been threatening it for weeks . . . this is it, look out garden!
      Love to you x

  11. Hello my dear. I've been reading a lot of your posts since you left a comment on mine. I've really got to force myself to read yours, because they are quite honestly horrific. They horrify me. How can someone end up in this situation?

    Then I read more, and I'm almost in tears.

    You're doing the best you can.

    I'm not being or trying to be condecending, I'm just overwhelmingly sorry that another human being is going through such pain.

    Keep trying.

    For the sake of you and your kids, keep trying.

    I'll keep reading and hoping.

    1. Twisted Scottish Bastard,
      O my, you've made me cry now. Bless your heart.
      I must confess it was your "name" that caught my eye . . . My ex (Hamper's Dad)being a true, "Twisted Scottish Bastard"
      OK, Pakistani but with a heavy Glaswegian accent.
      I will keep trying, that's for sure. This is the hardest I've ever tried and you know what . . . I've got a good feeling. You might indeed witness the miracle here, that is someone breaking free from that crap.
      Hey, I wrote a happy post last night (Grateful friday on Saturday) . . . Enjoy ;-)
      Thankyou so much for reading here, however horrific it's been, I can assure you (and me)it will get better.
      Enjoy the weekend sun.

  12. And just for today,i am grateful for you as a are tackling so many issues head on that i need to deal with(esp.the school one) and just reading what you are going thru is inspiring me....well done you for sticking it all out.Much love,speak soon xxxxxx

    1. Hi Lovey . . . you posted this just as I sat down. I've been gardening all day, truly knackered. I'll msg you 2moz. Honestly Annie, it was so worth the two weeks of tears, getting Hamper to school. Really, she is settled in and staying till 3.15 as from Monday . . WooHoo!!
      I didn't think it possible last week and I really did struggle, and wobble somewhat . . . but that too did pass ;-)
      Much love to all and speak soon x x x x

  13. Lots of good stuff in this post. Little Hamper G is enjoying school and that is great. I'm glad that you have another day clean. That is awesome!

    1. Hi Syd, Yes, she's really settling in well now. Two full days this week. And 6 days clean :-)