Saturday, 19 May 2012

. . . or not settling in?

OK, so the weekend is here . . . It's half way gone really and have I settled back in? Well, no, not really. I might appear to have settled but I dont feel at ease. If I didn't have so many responsibilities (kids and their Dads, schools and jobs) I would honestly up and leave. I would go to North Wales for several reasons; the main one being to be near my Dad for however long he has left and to give his wife some help. But I can't, I just can't and that is that.

I did something today that I haven't done for about seven or eight years . . . I played the piano. I set about learning Songbird. This will give me a lot of pleasure; both learning the piece and eventually being able to sit back and watch my fingers do the intricate dance that I've taught them. It always amazes me when I get to the point of just playing without thinking . . . it's almost as if they're not my hands. I can then put my soul and emotion into playing. That's where all the pleasure is. Sometimes it's too much to take and I lose the plot and the music. Anyway, I'm not there yet, I'm still on the intro.

Geekster went up to Bro's house this morning to put the photos an a memory stick for me so I'll post some up after this. Looking at them just made me want to be there even more. I really am having trouble settling this week. Hamper G did her four mornings at school, she missed me a lot and cried some days, it's just something that has to be done . . . do other people find all this stuff easy? Should it all be such a struggle. I know the teachers and other mothers are judging me, I'm not paranoid or stupid. Who do they think they are to judge, it has upset me some this week. These people know nothing about me, other than the rumours; most of which are true. But I am more than that "smack head" . . . how dare they. This makes me cry. Yeah, really. This is not self-pity. This is being hurt by the attitude of these self-righteous "We've got it all O so right" blinkered fools. I don't want to be here in this town where you're judged by your car, clothes and what your husband does. I can't fit here and have no wish to. I want the mountains, the sea, my Dad, vast empty beaches, simple folk who appreciate nature and couldn't give a fuck if you wear the same hand knitted jumper for a week and have earth under your nails from gardening. I feel sad. I don't mind feeling alone but I don't want to feel sad. I suppose as I can't change the circumstances at the moment . . . I best just pray for some serenity to accept them.

OK, lets be positive here . . . we're off to prison on Monday. Ha! No, come on, it might be a great day, who knows?  . . . Not I, that's for sure.

Well as I'm so full of misery, I'll go and find some holiday photos, maybe some music. Something. Anything . . . I might have to do a WaW post, lift up that dusty, old proverbial rug and drag some crap out into the light where it belongs. So much stuff.

I honestly didn't set out to be such a downer . . . Sorry, but I have to be true. It's early enough to get an early night, maybe that'll help.

Thanks for reading and not judging me. It really does mean a lot to me, this week more than ever. I hope all is well in your part of the world. Much love to all.


  1. This is your blog. You are allowed to be down. All of us wish that you weren't, but that is a whole new kettle of fish (as an aside, where did that phrase come from?).
    You are re-inventing yourself. You are a writer, you are an artist, and now I hear you say you are teaching yourself to play the piano. What can't you do?
    I know it is hard to do (and far too often I don't succeed either) but think about those judgemental toads. Would you want to be friends with any of them? No? Then their judgements is not worth the paper they would be too gutless to write it on.
    You rock. xox.

    1. The E'sC,
      Yes, I use that saying a lot, I've never considered it's origins . . . Maybe I'll find out today.
      I've caught Hamper G's cold and I think that has brought me down a bit. I expect she'll be bringing home all the latest viruses now she's out there "mixing".
      I must gather some strength today from somewhere and get back out there with my head held high.
      All these kind, encouraging comments had me in tears this morning but they also give me strength. It's good to know I do I have some amazing friends here.
      Thanks for always being here x

    2. Isn't it strange that when things are going badly we hold our heads up high, but just as soon as someone is nice to us the tears flow. Enough to cry a puddle and drown them all as my mother said. And yes, a cold will bring you down v quickly. They make you feel like death and knowing that you will survive is not a comfort.
      Be well. I am sending good wished your way. Healthy good wishes.

  2. Who are any of us to judge? Do those women who turn their noses up have a fraction of you experience in life? Have they loved as well as you? Do they love their children like you do? Do they care for their aged dad and his wife as you do? (my guess is they would have judged your father and step-mother because of their age difference). Who knows? The better question is who cares? They may drink in private or be sexual deviants or beat their kids. The point is you never know what burdens people carry or the kind of person they are until you get to know them.

    To make a rambling comment much shorter...fuck 'em. I feel sorry for people who have nothing better to do than judge others.

    Yeah...fuck 'em.

    Have a great day!

    1. Hi Sherry,
      I agree that they probably haven't experienced a tenth of the amount of "life" I have . . . They'll never know. I have to try and rise above it and I will (eventually) . . . It's just all been a bit much this week.
      I did delete a line in this post that said "Fuck the lot of 'em" . . . I'm not sure why I deleted it, possibly afraid of being judged as "negative/ blaming others/ addict attitude" How silly of me . . . I will find my strength again. You folk, my friends, really have helped me this morning.
      Yeah you're right Sherry, Fuck 'em!!
      Thanks for being here and you too, have a great day x

  3. The silly thing is, Lovey, not only are you stronger than most of those people who are talking about you but they most likely have their own little tales to tell too. Yours just happens to known to them...who are they to judge - those who life in glass houses - as the saying goes....

    Playing the piano! Awesome! I played as a girl. My teachers name was: Kermit LOL Seriously!

    Be well, Lovey

    1. Hi Lovey,
      Yes, I looked at some of them last week (as they quickly looked away and made sure their handbags were secure - fucking fools) and thought . . . I wonder what goes on in their lives.
      They have me labelled as an addict, just an addict, no room for anything more than that.
      Kermit! thats brilliant, I shall think of Kermit today as I learn the next "bit". I learned how to play (read music) at eleven, the rest is self-taught. It's much like anything else, practice and more practice.
      Thanks Lovey for being here for me this morning. You too, be well x

  4. I wished you lived near me! People walk around with earth under their nails all the time and on their shoes and dusting their new and old one really cares. Most of us shop at thrifts stores just for the mere fun of finding a bargain.

    You are right about one thing....those other mom's don't know you. And its their loss. If they did they would find a fascinating, intelligent, HONEST, woman, who loves her kids and understands what it even means to live in the light, and has had a whirlwind of a life that they would only have the courage to read about...never actually live and find their way through and still have a soft, kind heart filled with humility and grace for others. yeah...

    1. Annette, O I wish I lived near you too, I'd love to go on your walks with you (if I could keep up). And do the thrift stores.
      What lovely words you've written, I keep on reading them. Bless your heart.
      Thanks for being here for me, never judging and always understanding. Much appreciated and treasured x

  5. Oh, and the piano......that just made me smile. Go you!

    1. ;-) . . Hey there is one of those old songs that I still love and learned to play a few years back . . . "Abba Father" It was my song of choice at my baptism.

  6. Poor you, I guess sometimes we just have to grit our teeth and get through every day as best we can. We are all sending you our support and love over the miles. It's hard not to care what other people think, I really don't anymore, life is too short.
    As for Hamper G. and the crying, I can say as an early childhood teacher that this is not uncommon. She senses her safe, predictable world at home with you everyday is changing and she is a bit upset and having a wee melt-down. You just need to be strong for both of you, give her a wee surprise reward after school every so often, tell her it's for being so brave. Maybe a small chocolate bar or a packet of chips, or just watch a DVD together.
    It's always best to acknowledge their feelings of distress, rather than try to brush then aside, but it will improve in time. I promise.
    Thinking of you from N. Z. Love Kiwigirl xo

    1. Hi Kiwigirl,
      I'm usually pretty good at not giving a shit what they think . . . I've had to be.
      But I suppose with the emotional stuff from Wales, then having a cold and seeing Hamper upset has all taken its toll and left me feeling a little vulnerable and judged.
      Yeah, I've taken a small gift every day to meet her out of school with, some new "hello kitty" hair slides, a trip to her favorite "Big" park, Happy feet 2, etc. She comes out happy, but it's the leaving her there with tears that hurts.
      My Bro and his wife have just taken her to Mac D's then to the "Big Park" for doing her first week (4 mornings) at school.
      Thanks for the encouragement and the benefit of your experience with these things. It means a lot and thanks for being here x

  7. Hi, I'm sorrry to hear you're feeling sad, there's a lot of it about at the moment. N. wales is beautfull, N. devon is beautifull & I'm sure there's beauty where you are living, there are always ugly people around to spoil things where ever you are & like sober mum above said "fuck em".
    When my eldest started at playgroup she was so sad we took her out in the end. She was ok with school though, kids eh ?
    I've spilled a few tears this morning going over more old memories but I think it will be all good in the end for you & for me.
    Take care & look after yourself bugerlugs. Karl X

    1. Hi Karl . . . Yes, there is alot of it about isn't there. You're right, of course, there are some beautiful places around here and I'm looking back with rose tinted spectacles . . . As, in truth, my years in North Wales were often spoiled by racism and some narrow minded folk. As you say, they are everywhere. Fuck 'em indeed!
      It will be good in the end . . . As I said over at your blog, we're on similar journeys and I believe we will both get a happy ending . . . eventually (ish ;-)
      You too, take care and thanks for being here x

  8. Ps. the way you put (ish) after young brought a smile or two to my face.

  9. Everyone I know, with one exeption, seems to be down right now!

    Take care :-)

    1. Gledwood,
      Yeah, as Karl said, There's a lot of it about . . . let's hope its short-lived. Maybe we all just need the summer to come quick . . . I don't know. For me, there was just too much emotional stuff in one week . . . And tomorrow starts with a prison visit (and 6 hrs travelling)
      O well, things can only get better . .
      You too, take care x

  10. I feel for you - I know you've cheered up a bit. I find life a struggle too. There are so many rules and so many people wanting to tell you how to do it "right". And I tire of it too because you know they are not perfect and pointing the finger is a means of redirecting attention away from where they do not want you to look. My oldest hated to be away from me - always - hated sitters and such. Some kids aren't as thrilled with the structure at school or maybe the teacher doesn't thrill them or maybe some kids are mean. Or it just isn't home and they'd rather be with Mom. I'd say that your child wanting to be with you more than anyone is at least a sign that you have earned their affection and they don't hate you. (I remember being entirely thrilled to be at school and away from my mother) Try not to let the judgement of others get you down. There will always be someone. You have chosen or been handed a different route than they have - that doesn't mean it's wrong even if you've done things they don't like. Thing is - they feel obligated to dress and behave in a certain way whether or not they enjoy it - and they are probably a little jealous that you are not in that particular rat race. People are threatened when you do not conform - and they lash out if they are not entirely confidant of their own position.

    1. Ah thanks Jeannie . . . I've just found your comment.
      You're right about the school thing. The teacher seems awfully cold and matter of fact for a primary school teacher. It's a long time for a child to spend with someone who they're not so keen on, 6 hours. Also Hamper G has never been left with anyone else, I hate having to make her stay there because I can see how she feels . . . and I know how cruel kids can be. There are no other mixed race kids there.
      I never did fit in (apart from with the french peasants) and it's easier for them to treat me as an outcast, a weirdo, than to try and see beyond the physical and get to know me . . . boy, I'm glad I've found you good folk here, all over the world.
      Thanks for being here Jeannie x